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Sat Aug 27, 2016, 11:09 PM

I feel so betrayed.

I never knew there was something done to me down there. There were hints. Like when I went to a gblt friendly clinic for a yeast infection that seriously had me thinking of a fork to ease the itch when I had no insurance. The gym looked at me and gasped . I asked is it THAT bad? She asked if I had female genital surgery and I said I didn't think so,she dissapeared into a room came out with another doctor went in that room and was in there a good while. She came out said I had a yeast infection gave me meds and I left. My father made me swear never to get genetic testing And though my young years dresses were forced on me my mom and aunt forced me down to pluck my eyebrows my father would yell at me to "be a girl". All of this has made no sense until now. My mom was drugged up when I was born and I spent a month in a incubator sure I was premature but what else did they do. I'm a ftm transgender .I have been on testosterone now coming up on 6 years. I haven't grown down below. I have a nice goatee, a deeper voice I look masculine .but getting bottom surgery is not possible unless they can grow one from my own cells and attach it and hope it works
I think I was born intersex and they lopped off part of my clitoris because back in the sixties people were so godamn stupid when it comes to gender
I feel hopeless

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Arrow 23 replies Author Time Post
Reply I feel so betrayed. (Original post)
undergroundpanther Aug 2016 OP
Glamrock Aug 2016 #1
retrowire Aug 2016 #2
undergroundpanther Aug 2016 #6
retrowire Aug 2016 #18
Skittles Aug 2016 #19
KT2000 Aug 2016 #3
undergroundpanther Aug 2016 #7
TygrBright Aug 2016 #4
undergroundpanther Aug 2016 #9
AnotherDreamWeaver Aug 2016 #5
vlyons Aug 2016 #8
undergroundpanther Aug 2016 #10
vlyons Aug 2016 #11
undergroundpanther Aug 2016 #13
undergroundpanther Aug 2016 #14
undergroundpanther Aug 2016 #15
vlyons Aug 2016 #16
uriel1972 Aug 2016 #21
GoDawgs Aug 2016 #12
nightscanner59 Aug 2016 #17
LeftRant Aug 2016 #20
LostOne4Ever Aug 2016 #22
8 track mind Sep 2016 #23

Response to undergroundpanther (Original post)

Sat Aug 27, 2016, 11:20 PM

1. Wow

That's ....wow. I wish I knew what to say to ease your burden right now, but I got nothing. But, if you've made it this far and this long as a transgender I'm guessing you're a pretty strong person. I'm betting that strength will get you through this too. Best wishes and positive vibes.

And a hug...

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Response to undergroundpanther (Original post)

Sat Aug 27, 2016, 11:32 PM

2. will you be okay? nt

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Response to retrowire (Reply #2)

Sun Aug 28, 2016, 12:46 AM

6. Yeah

I'm pissed off kinda sad and feel like all the effort transitioning has been cosmetic disappointment but I all be OK.

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Response to undergroundpanther (Reply #6)

Sun Aug 28, 2016, 10:27 AM

18. *hugs* nt

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Response to undergroundpanther (Reply #6)

Sun Aug 28, 2016, 10:45 AM

19. someone is always here on DU

 

We are here for you, undergroundpanther

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Response to undergroundpanther (Original post)

Sat Aug 27, 2016, 11:33 PM

3. if this is a new revelation

you may want to see a therapist so you can talk this out and put the pieces together. This is a big thing to deal with on your own. Some support will help because hopeless is really a temporary feeling. You want to get to the next steps that will allow you to find some peace. There are people who can help you.
I'm sorry this happened to you.

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Response to KT2000 (Reply #3)

Sun Aug 28, 2016, 12:53 AM

7. It was a slow moving revalation

Things added up and added up than the truth is unrscapeable
As for a therapist I have one and a psydoc and a psych team I go to a program 2days a week .see my therapist2times a week been in the psych system one way or another since I was 15and younger for awhile. I'm trying to my damndest to heal from a lot of issues .My mind torments me at times it sucks.

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Response to undergroundpanther (Original post)

Sat Aug 27, 2016, 11:47 PM

4. Parents did this to kids back then. They thought it was "love."

Which is no excuse.

But, it happened (from the other direction) to someone I love very much. Back in the 1950s. When female gestures, characteristics began to emerge, first they would grab the hands, hold them down. "You can't wave your hands around like that when you're talking. Stop it."

Then there was the hormone injections. Then never told their 'son' that was what they were doing, 'he' had to figure it out later.

Health consequences, body image... living a life as the 'wrong' gender.

Because they 'loved' 'him'.

Didn't want their 'son' to be 'different.' They knew how much bullying, teasing, shame 'he' would have to go through, if anyone thought 'he' was 'sissy.'

Get the damn' genetic testing, if you possibly can. Downthread someone suggest you get therapy, and that's a damn' good suggestion, too.

You were betrayed.

Whether that betrayal was from loving motives or not doesn't really make a difference to the challenges and decisions before you right now. But there'll be a ton of feelings, resentments, old stuff to deal with and it will help clear your head and make better decisions.

We're here. Hangin' in here with you.

This community. We are here for you.

You are stronger than they gave you credit for.

One day at a time, one step at a time, you can do this.

Make your life into what you want it to be, what you want your self to be.

You're not alone.

positively,
Bright

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Response to TygrBright (Reply #4)

Sun Aug 28, 2016, 12:54 AM

9. Thanks TygrBright

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Response to undergroundpanther (Original post)

Sat Aug 27, 2016, 11:58 PM

5. Have you heard of the novel "Middlesex"?

You might find it interesting.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Middlesex_(novel)

Best Wishes,

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Response to undergroundpanther (Original post)

Sun Aug 28, 2016, 12:54 AM

8. Forgive your parents

They were ignorant and didn't know any better what to do. Nor did most Drs way back when. By forgiving your parents, you can begin to rise above your feelings of betrayal. It's not like your parents one day decided to ruin your life on purpose. You can still live a happy, meaningful and productive life. You have so much to give the world. You have a good and loving heart, a good mind to make good decisions about how to shape your life. Fate dealt you a difficult hand of cards. I hope you can find some kind and loving people, an intelligent support group to help you find some peace of mind. Best wishes.

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Response to vlyons (Reply #8)

Sun Aug 28, 2016, 12:59 AM

10. I forgive my mom

My father I offered forgiveness he didn't want my forgiveness so I don't forgive him. The man was a rapist monster abusive and cruel. I hated him. When he died I wasn't upset at all I was glad he was gone finally and could no longer hurt me or my mom or sisters anymore.

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Response to undergroundpanther (Reply #10)

Sun Aug 28, 2016, 01:26 AM

11. You need to also forgive your Dad

The abuse that he inflicted on the world and those around him came out of his own suffering, hatred, and delusion. As a kid, I didn't much like my parents either. My parents grew up in abusive and neglectful families, and that's what and how they learned to treat their families. There was no one to teach them love, patience, tolerance, forgiveness. And I didn't learn it from them either. But I discovered, studied, and converted to Buddhism, where those qualities are advocated and practiced. The very first teaching of Buddha after his enlightenment was the truth of suffering. We are all of us suffering. And knowledge of suffering is supposed to help us feel compassion for all other sentient beings. My parents are dead, but I still pray for them if they were reincarnated as another sentient being somewhere. I pray that they were reborn into a loving family and have easy access to an authentic teacher of compassion and wisdom. Don't nurture negative emotions of hatred and resentment. Hatred makes us stupid and increases our own suffering. May you have happiness and the causes and conditions of happiness.

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Response to vlyons (Reply #11)


Response to vlyons (Reply #11)

Sun Aug 28, 2016, 02:53 AM

14. No I don't

Just because I don't forgive does not mean I am being eaten alive with hate or revenge. I just dont forgive him. You might not understand how I can do this but I can. You don't have to forgive to heal. Sometimes not forgiving and not letting it bother you is healing too. I m not Buddhist. I'm much darker in my observation of reality and I see no balancing act no yin yang dance Ive gone though enough torture the world looks very different than it does to people who haven't been broken. So most of the time I shut up because when I tell people it freaks them out.

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Response to undergroundpanther (Reply #14)

Sun Aug 28, 2016, 03:11 AM

15. Oh by the way

I do not want rebirth into another fleshbag to get sick injured,raped,abused, to feel pain,hunger,emotional pain grow up again, deal with psychopaths and narcissistic shitheads, to pay to exist,suffer poverty, have every cat and pet I ever adored die,to never feel secure, loved or safe.

Fuck Reincarnation and I sure as hell don't want to come back to this prison predator planet in a stinking slowly dying flesh bag . i die
I'm flying away from here and any illusions or things that might try to catche and force me back into this mess.

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Response to undergroundpanther (Reply #15)

Sun Aug 28, 2016, 03:49 AM

16. that's what Buddhism is about

not getting infinitely stuck in this realm of suffering, old age, disease, and death.

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Response to undergroundpanther (Reply #14)

Mon Aug 29, 2016, 03:16 AM

21. forgiveness is overated...

I will never forgive some of the people for what they have done to me, others, if they show some move towards repaying the debt they owe,I will be prepared to try. I doubt they even know how much they hurt me.

People tell me I'm not broken, but I know that I am. No matter how hard I try I will never fully heal. Why is that so hard for others to understand? It seems like the very concept scares the hell out of them, even the therapists.

I will never forget though... that can't be done. I don't buy any of this mindful 'Acceptance' bullshit either, I don't see why I should have to be the one who always makes room for the crimes of others.

As I haven't seen any convincing evidence of 'souls' I think we get one shot here and have to make the best of it.

All we can do is try.

It's a shitty world, but it's all we got.

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Response to undergroundpanther (Original post)

Sun Aug 28, 2016, 02:03 AM

12. Hugs, UGPanther

You're more than just your body. Let your mind and your soul be a source of strength and resolve.
It may sound trite, but don't be hopeless. Try to be hopeful. What happened in the past can badly affect you, but you must not let it own you.
Good luck.

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Response to undergroundpanther (Original post)

Sun Aug 28, 2016, 09:40 AM

17. I have difficulty with the father -forgiveness part myself.

My father disowned, then attempted to murder me because I didn't meet his heterosexist expectations. Extended members of the Phelps Klan fanned the flames of my bullying and banishment from their quaint, all hetero, all WHITE, all in f*cking lockstep redneck "patriot" community. It helps somewhat to vent my frustrations like this, and like you have expressed.
Those of a so called "Christian", or most any religious sect for that matter, seems to have a lot of victims of those who don't lock-step with their scriptural interpretations. Anger, if not dealt with effectively, at such pretentiousness is ultimately self-defeating. It's taken me many years and many painful memories, distancing myself from family who participated in my banishment.
7 years ago I was brutally assaulted in a hate crime. I got hit by a pickup truck on my bicycle and kicked in the head somewhere near 100 times while anti-gay epithets poured from the mouths of my attackers, albeit I was dazed from landing head first into a rock. It was only after a drug treatment trial that I came to the realization of how long-term PTSD'd I'd been for years regarding my family's rejection.
I want to reach out to you with a big. loving cyber-hug and hope.

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Response to undergroundpanther (Original post)

Sun Aug 28, 2016, 07:05 PM

20. This is very deep, and I wasn't going to comment, but...

I'll just say that, if everyone you know has let you down, the last person who can be kind to you is yourself.

Good luck to you

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Response to undergroundpanther (Original post)

Tue Aug 30, 2016, 10:12 PM

22. I am so sorry this happened to you. /hugs! nt

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