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Tue Aug 19, 2014, 07:59 PM


Invisible Victims: Men In Abusive Relationships

"In a lot of ways, men are frequently invisible victims of relationship abuse. When we think of abusive relationships, we often default to the idea of a woman as the victim with a man as the perpetrator. Rarely do we imagine men as the victims. To do so is almost comical –literally. The image of the angry housewife – usually fat and unattractive – waiting for at home for her milquetoast husband with curlers in her hair and a rolling pin, ready to dispense retributory violence for some slight, has been around for generations."

Men, after all, are taught that they’re not allowed to be victims… especially by someone perceived as being “weaker” than they are.
To be a “man” is to be strong; allowing a woman to hurt you means that you clearly aren’t a man.


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Reply Invisible Victims: Men In Abusive Relationships (Original post)
Veilex Aug 2014 OP
Behind the Aegis Aug 2014 #1
Veilex Aug 2014 #2
lumberjack_jeff Aug 2014 #3

Response to Veilex (Original post)

Tue Aug 19, 2014, 11:29 PM

1. This is an excellent article!

I was really impressed it addressed the concerns of the gay and bi male communities as well. We are often left out of these type of articles or only mentioned in passing. I was honestly surprised the numbers were not higher for those in the gay community for abuse. My experiences would place those numbers much higher, almost 50%, but it isn't really surprising to me, given the abuse we grow up with in life.

What I find interesting is the number of self-professed liberals and progressives who scoff at articles like this or seek desperately to change the subject, as if males being abused isn't a real issue or an important one. I am one of four boys and all of us have been in abusive relationships at one time or another. My parents are mutually abusive to one another.

Straight men, IMO, do have the worse end of the deal because they are usually ridiculed, ignored, or told to "grow a pair." There was a recent "What Would You Do?" episode which showed the differences when the attacker was male or female and female on male (they didn't use any GL examples).the former was NEVER ignored, the latter was not only mostly ignored, but people would actually stop, watch, and laugh, and that was physical abuse. When it comes to emotional abuse, men are treated as wimps or worse, as liars. For me, no one believed me until one of my best friends joined us for lunch and he lit into me. She almost punched him out in the middle of the dining hall. Once she spoke out, others started to realize I wasn't lying. It ended soon after.

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Response to Behind the Aegis (Reply #1)

Wed Aug 20, 2014, 11:55 AM

2. "I was honestly surprised the numbers were not higher for those in the gay community for abuse."


Bear in mind, they say from the start that these numbers are likely severely under-reported.

Even being a progressive myself, and a self-proclaimed Egalitarian, I find it very difficult to speak up about whatever ails me, or whatever sociological issues I'm dealing with.

I recognize it for what it is: programming by society to "Be a man"... often without knowing what that even means. After all, there are so many sources that want to control exactly what it means to "be a man" from the Church and politicians to Corporate media and the cult of Machismo... heck, even Disney got into the action with the song in Mulan, "Be a man".

So, rule number one trained into most men? Don't complain... its not manly. If you complain, its only because your not a real man.
This singular rule is so ingrained into men and our culture, that even progressives have a hard time fighting for their own rights. I'm very fortunate in that my wonderful Fiancé watches out for me... because, frankly, I suck at it (uh oh, I've committed a cardinal sin here... I've shown weakness). Because of all that lovely training and reinforcement, I fight everyday to be a more open person... but its far easier to fight for someone else's rights than to stand up for my own. But I digress.

I'm happy to hear you've gotten out of that toxic relationship!
You're lady friend is a good one!
Nothing quite so valuable as someone who'll stand up for you...even when others wont.

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Response to Veilex (Reply #2)

Sat Aug 23, 2014, 12:00 PM

3. Well said. n/t


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