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Tue Jun 17, 2014, 03:07 PM

Tell me a joke.

Please. I'm at the neighborhood pool with my summer kids and I'm bored bored bored.

67 replies, 5098 views

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Reply Tell me a joke. (Original post)
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 OP
Aristus Jun 2014 #1
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #2
NightWatcher Jun 2014 #3
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #7
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #8
MrMickeysMom Jun 2014 #4
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #11
rug Jun 2014 #5
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #17
UrbScotty Jun 2014 #6
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #9
SkatmanRoth Jun 2014 #10
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #12
SkatmanRoth Jun 2014 #13
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #18
SkatmanRoth Jun 2014 #14
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #19
Jenoch Jun 2014 #15
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #20
First Speaker Jun 2014 #16
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #21
Skittles Jun 2014 #22
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #24
A HERETIC I AM Jun 2014 #23
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #25
mnhtnbb Jun 2014 #41
Ptah Jun 2014 #26
Jenoch Jun 2014 #27
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #28
Art_from_Ark Jun 2014 #45
Jenoch Jun 2014 #46
Art_from_Ark Jun 2014 #47
Boxerfan Jun 2014 #29
A HERETIC I AM Jun 2014 #30
mithnanthy Jun 2014 #64
Jenoch Jun 2014 #31
sakabatou Jun 2014 #32
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #35
Danmel Jun 2014 #33
Lady Freedom Returns Jun 2014 #34
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #36
Jenoch Jun 2014 #37
Ineeda Jun 2014 #38
Raven Jun 2014 #39
KamaAina Jun 2014 #40
kairos12 Jun 2014 #42
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #43
Jenoch Jun 2014 #44
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #49
Special Prosciuto Jun 2014 #48
Jenoch Jun 2014 #50
TexasTowelie Jun 2014 #51
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #52
LiberalElite Jun 2014 #53
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #54
LiberalElite Jun 2014 #55
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #56
Xipe Totec Jun 2014 #57
Gravitycollapse Jun 2014 #58
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #61
Jenoch Jun 2014 #59
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #60
Jenoch Jun 2014 #62
DamnYankeeInHouston Jun 2014 #63
discntnt_irny_srcsm Jun 2014 #65
ohnoyoudidnt Jun 2014 #66
A HERETIC I AM Jun 2014 #67

Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 03:10 PM

1. What did the snail say when it rode on the back of the turtle?

"Wheeeeeeeeeeee!"

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Response to Aristus (Reply #1)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 03:11 PM

2. Thank you.

Not bored for 20 seconds.
I need more!
An hour to go.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 03:12 PM

3. ok



Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph." Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back: as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never," said Ralph. "Well, just relax and let it happen." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.


As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting the bed!!!"

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Response to NightWatcher (Reply #3)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 03:39 PM

7. Okay. Yuck I hope he sat on his turds and did a food job rsising yhem

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Response to NightWatcher (Reply #3)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 03:40 PM

8. raising them I meant.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 03:15 PM

4. What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

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Response to MrMickeysMom (Reply #4)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 06:16 PM

11. Ha. Ha. Finally got that.

I'm a senior blond atheist.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 03:22 PM

5. David's parrot

 

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"

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Response to rug (Reply #5)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 08:18 PM

17. Good one.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 03:28 PM

6. How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Actually that's a hardware problem.

---

How many ears does Spock have?

1. A left ear
2. A right ear
3. A final front ear

---

I'd tell you some lawyer jokes, but there are only three lawyer jokes out there - the rest are all true stories.

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Response to UrbScotty (Reply #6)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 03:42 PM

9. I like that one.

I even get it.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 06:14 PM

10. Irish Wedding

At the wedding reception someone yelled,

"Would all the married men please stand next to the ONE person who has made your life worth living!"

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

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Response to SkatmanRoth (Reply #10)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 06:17 PM

12. Good one. Thank you.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 06:21 PM

13. Why men wear earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing a single earring.

The man knows that his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense'.

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only one earring." he replies sheepishly.

His friend fall silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So how long have you bee wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck." he said.

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Response to SkatmanRoth (Reply #13)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 08:19 PM

18. Ouch. Self piercing under duress.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 06:28 PM

14. The Sunday Paper

This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to anyone who knows seniors, or who will ever become a senior.

"Where is my SUNDAY paper?" demanded the irate customer calling the newspaper office.

"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday morning"

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she said,

"Well that explains why there was no one in Church today."

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Response to SkatmanRoth (Reply #14)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 08:20 PM

19. If it were only just a senior moment.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 07:48 PM

15. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

 

Anyone can roast beef.

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Response to Jenoch (Reply #15)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 08:20 PM

20. Eeeeeewwwww! But cute.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 07:49 PM

16. It seems that Rumsfeld was briefing Bush on the Iraq War...

...oh--you've heard this one...?

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Response to First Speaker (Reply #16)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 08:21 PM

21. Not. Funny. So. Sad.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 08:44 PM

22. eye doctor tells a guy he needs to stop masturbating

guy says, WHY, WILL I GO BLIND??!!?? and the eye doc replies, no, it disturbed the people in the waiting room

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Response to Skittles (Reply #22)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 10:03 PM

24. and they wish they were blind.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 10:00 PM

23. Guy goes to the doctor.....

he says "I have headaches all the time"

Doc tells him to lie back and he'll return in a minute.

Doc comes back carrying a big ol' Tabby kitty cat and slowly encircles the guys head with the cat. He moves the cat around the top of his head and over his forhead, then walks out.


Few minutes later the doc comes back in, this time leading a big ol' Labrador Retreiver on a leash. The big, happy dog jumps up with his front paws and gives the guy a lick on the face, then the oc walks the dog around the table, stopping often to let the dog lick at whatever expoed skin of the guy is within tongue reach. The doc walks the dog out.

5 Minutes later he comes back in, tells the guy he has nothing to worry about, to take some Tylenol and call him in a week.

The guy goes to the front desk to settle and the bill is $2030.

"TWO GRAND FOR THAT?!?" He shouts. "What the hell for?"

The nurse says......

"Thirty dollars for the office visit, one thousand for the Cat Scan and one thousand for the Lab work.

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Response to A HERETIC I AM (Reply #23)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 10:04 PM

25. That one is really good.

Now I have to try to remember it and I have a hard time remembering jokes.

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Response to A HERETIC I AM (Reply #23)

Thu Jun 19, 2014, 01:32 PM

41. That is funny. Had to post it to fb.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 10:07 PM

26. Cannibal at the circus.

This clown tastes funny.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 10:08 PM

27. Whats brown and sounds like a bell? 

 

Dung

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Response to Jenoch (Reply #27)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 10:25 PM

28. Dang.

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Response to Jenoch (Reply #27)

Thu Jun 19, 2014, 07:40 PM

45. The first time I heard that joke,

I laughed so hard, I nearly fell off my dinosaur!

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Response to Art_from_Ark (Reply #45)

Thu Jun 19, 2014, 07:46 PM

46. Wow, you are really old.

 

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Response to Jenoch (Reply #46)

Thu Jun 19, 2014, 08:02 PM

47. So is my dinosaur

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 10:27 PM

29. My favorite...

He man God of thunder decides to take a stroll in the human world....

Waking the next morning after a night of drinking Meade he proclaims...
" I'm Thore"....

Voice from the next room-Your thore-I can hardly walk!!

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Response to Boxerfan (Reply #29)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 10:42 PM

30. Reminds me of an old Moms Mabley joke....

Two older women are walking down a New York street.

One says "I smell hair burnin'"

The other says "Maybe we're walkin' too fast."

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Response to A HERETIC I AM (Reply #30)

Sat Jun 21, 2014, 06:01 PM

64. heheheeheeheheeeee!

too funny!

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Tue Jun 17, 2014, 11:12 PM

31. Two Ukrainians.

 

Two Ukrainian émigrés recently arrived in the United States.  Their hope was to someday become American citizens. As they were walking down the street in New York City they saw a lunch cart with a sign that read: Hot Dogs $3.50.

The one Ukrainian looked at the other in amazement and said “They eat dogs in America?”

His friend shrugged and said” They must, that is what the sign says”.

“Well then to be Americans we must eat dogs also”.

So they both walked over to the hot dog cart and got two hot dogs.

They proceeded to the nearest bench and sat down. They unwrapped their hot dogs and the one Ukrainian said to the other, “Yuk, what part of the dog did you get?”

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Wed Jun 18, 2014, 01:38 AM

32. The green grocer (video)

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Response to sakabatou (Reply #32)

Wed Jun 18, 2014, 06:53 AM

35. Yuk yuk.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Wed Jun 18, 2014, 03:06 AM

33. thanks for the laughs

Too tired to post but will try later.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Wed Jun 18, 2014, 04:08 AM

34. Q: What are the strongest days of the week?

A: Saturday and Sunday, rest is weekdays.

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Response to Lady Freedom Returns (Reply #34)

Wed Jun 18, 2014, 06:54 AM

36. Yay! A joke I can tell my students.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Wed Jun 18, 2014, 05:02 PM

37. 'Why aren't there new Jonestown jokes being told anymore?

 

It's because the punchlines are too long.

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Response to Jenoch (Reply #37)

Wed Jun 18, 2014, 05:28 PM

38. Took me a second...

but LOL.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Wed Jun 18, 2014, 05:31 PM

39. What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?



Took me a second, too.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Wed Jun 18, 2014, 05:31 PM

40. So a baby seal walks into a bar and says

 

"I'll have a Canadian Club, on the rocks."

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Thu Jun 19, 2014, 02:44 PM

42. Two cows were standing in a field...

one says to the other, "Did you hear about that mad cow's disease?". The other cow says, "mad cow's disease, what do I care, I'm a helicopter."

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Response to kairos12 (Reply #42)

Thu Jun 19, 2014, 06:50 PM

43. I like that one. Thank you.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Thu Jun 19, 2014, 07:05 PM

44. What's brown and sticky?

 

A stick.

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Response to Jenoch (Reply #44)

Fri Jun 20, 2014, 05:15 PM

49. That's wonderful. That will really piss off my students hoping for nasty.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Fri Jun 20, 2014, 01:47 PM

48. A horse walks into a bar and sits down.

 

The bartender says "Hey! Why the long face?!"

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Fri Jun 20, 2014, 05:19 PM

50. Why can you never starve in the desert?

 

Because of all the sand, which is everywhere.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Fri Jun 20, 2014, 05:31 PM

51. Ted Cruz...

that's it, joke is over.

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Response to TexasTowelie (Reply #51)

Fri Jun 20, 2014, 07:56 PM

52. when he loses the election.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Fri Jun 20, 2014, 08:03 PM

53. I heard this from a Barnard student -

Q.: Which fish has two knees?

A.: Two knee fish. Get it??

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Response to LiberalElite (Reply #53)

Fri Jun 20, 2014, 08:08 PM

54. Hardy. Ha. Ha.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Reply #54)

Fri Jun 20, 2014, 08:09 PM

55. At the time I heard it

many years ago, I thought it was hilarious, possibly because it was an Ivy Leaguer telling it.

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Response to LiberalElite (Reply #55)

Fri Jun 20, 2014, 08:15 PM

56. I understand. I delight in telling every stupid thing my Hahvahd educated brother has ever done.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Fri Jun 20, 2014, 08:19 PM

57. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?

Elephant * Grape * Sin(Theta)

http://mathworld.wolfram.com/CrossProduct.html

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Fri Jun 20, 2014, 08:52 PM

58. An East German worker gets a job in Siberia...

"A German worker gets a job in Siberia; aware of how all mail will be read by the censors, he tells his friends: 'Lets establish a code: if a letter you get from me is written in ordinary blue ink, it's true; if it's written in red ink, it's false.' After a month, his friends get the first letter, written in blue ink: 'Everything is wonderful here: the shops are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and properly heated, cinemas show films from the West, there are many beautiful girls ready for an affair -- the only thing you can't get is red ink.'"

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Response to Gravitycollapse (Reply #58)

Fri Jun 20, 2014, 10:37 PM

61. Very cute. Adversity necessitates a good sense of humor.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Fri Jun 20, 2014, 09:45 PM

59. What's the difference between a pheromone and a hormone?

 

You can't hear a pheromone.

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Response to Jenoch (Reply #59)

Fri Jun 20, 2014, 10:35 PM

60. My friends who teach middle school will like that one.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Reply #60)

Fri Jun 20, 2014, 10:47 PM

62. My mother was a fifth and sixth grade teacher.

 

She and her best friend who taught in the next classroom discovered that the male teachers, whether married or single, earned more money than the female teachers, whether they were married or single. They went to the school board and demanded equality and they got it.

You probably won't be surprised to learn this was back in the day when the desks were on wooden runners like a sleigh and there were inkwells. She was just 23 when this happened. I think it was in 1953.

That best friend introduced my mom to her boyfriend's brother. They married those brothers, my dad and my uncle. My 83 year old father is the only one left.

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Response to Jenoch (Reply #62)

Fri Jun 20, 2014, 10:51 PM

63. Thank you for telling her story. That's a mother to be proud of.

The ones you've lost are still with you. We all just a remix of those who have gone before us.

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Sat Jun 21, 2014, 06:06 PM

65. What do call a....

...boomerang that doesn't come back?















A stick

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Response to DamnYankeeInHouston (Original post)

Sat Jun 21, 2014, 06:44 PM

67. What do you do with an Elephant with 3 balls?

Walk him and pitch to the Rhino.

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