Longing for the Good Old Days of Sea Duty ?
1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."
2. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.
3. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
4. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
5. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
6. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.
7. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
8. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
9. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
10. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.
11. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.
12. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.
13. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose.
14. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again.
15. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.
16. Invite 75 people to come over to your house and visit for a couple of months.
17. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.
18. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.
19. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
20. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "man overboard, starboard side." Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."
21. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready." Stand there for three or four hours. And say .. again to no one in particular "stove secured" Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.
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