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Tobin S.

(10,418 posts)
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 05:59 PM Aug 2012

Jen had a miscarriage

Jen is my wife for those of you who don't read the lounge much. I've talked about her a lot here in the past because she is the love of my life and I never thought I'd find someone like that.

Jen started bleeding slightly last Tuesday. She called for advice on Friday and the doctor told her to go to the emergency room since the gynecologist could not see her right away. The diagnosis was "threatened miscarriage" but she was not having a miscarriage at the time or so the ultrasound results said. We thought things might be okay and the doctor said things could still turn out alright.

Monday night the bleeding got heavier. Jen called the doctor's office Tuesday morning and they told her to come in. They did an ultrasound and determined that she was having a miscarriage. She's at home now and will be until Thursday of next week. What I didn't know and probably what a lot of people don't know is that a miscarriage doesn't happen in a day or a short period of time. It's a process that can take a couple of weeks. It's uncomfortable physically and hurts worse emotionally.

I do not believe in the power of prayer, but since last Tuesday I've felt the urge to do so. Jen was about 5 weeks along so the loss occurred early, but it was still very painful to us. I've never seen Jen so sad.

The doctor says we can try again in a couple of months. There's nothing wrong with Jen's body and there was no trauma. So that's good news. I guess this time was just a misfire, for lack of better words.

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Jen had a miscarriage (Original Post) Tobin S. Aug 2012 OP
This message was self-deleted by its author Tuesday Afternoon Aug 2012 #1
I'm so sorry. blueamy66 Aug 2012 #2
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this! I wish I could make things easier for you now, but I know this is hedgehog Aug 2012 #3
I'm so sorry, Tobin pinboy3niner Aug 2012 #4
like I told Jen, you dont have to wait a couple months NightWatcher Aug 2012 #5
They recommend waiting to give the moms time to get back to full health, so as to GreenPartyVoter Aug 2012 #60
oh! Kali Aug 2012 #6
Sorry to hear that Tobin. bluesbassman Aug 2012 #7
That's sad. bigwillq Aug 2012 #8
Oh no - so sorry. haele Aug 2012 #9
I am sorry to hear this Tobin. redwitch Aug 2012 #10
I'm so sorry for you and Jen warrior1 Aug 2012 #11
Oh, I am so sorry to hear this news LaurenG Aug 2012 #12
I'm so sorry! I send comforting vibes marzipanni Aug 2012 #13
Aw geez...I'm sorry to hear this. cyberswede Aug 2012 #14
I'm so sorry. Baitball Blogger Aug 2012 #15
Oh, God, you don't deserve this. I am so, so sorry. Denninmi Aug 2012 #16
I was told one in three pregnancies end that way The empressof all Aug 2012 #17
I hesitated to post this...but I will. trof Aug 2012 #18
Oh Hon, I'm sorry. Listen to your doctor. And hug one another for me. nolabear Aug 2012 #19
Of all the hard things about this one of the hardest is letting go of thinking about her (or him). rug Aug 2012 #20
We went through that more than a couple of times... WCGreen Aug 2012 #21
Tobin and Jen know that you are in our thoughts. alphafemale Aug 2012 #22
I am so sorry to hear this, my dear Tobin... CaliforniaPeggy Aug 2012 #23
I am sorry. emilyg Aug 2012 #24
Sorry, Tobin and Jen. RebelOne Aug 2012 #25
I am so sorry.. snappyturtle Aug 2012 #26
I'm so sorry to hear this, Tobin Flaxbee Aug 2012 #27
I am so sorry, Tobin. coffeenap Aug 2012 #28
don't let anybody tell either of you how to feel. MrsBrady Aug 2012 #29
I am really sorry for your pain. n/t easttexaslefty Aug 2012 #30
I am so sorry, Tobin. Warm wishes to frogmarch Aug 2012 #31
I am so very sorry. MiddleFingerMom Aug 2012 #32
I'm so sorry to hear about this derby378 Aug 2012 #33
I feel a bit like an intruder. Lone_Star_Dem Aug 2012 #34
Others have said upthread all that I feel.... pink-o Aug 2012 #35
my heart goes out to you two. i am so sad. jen will be in my thoughts.... nt seabeyond Aug 2012 #36
I'm so incredibly sorry. Chellee Aug 2012 #37
I'm so sorry. You're a great husband. My dr said 1 in 3 pregnancies spontaneously abort in 1st Honeycombe8 Aug 2012 #38
Words are inadequate at times like this sarge43 Aug 2012 #39
Tobin, I am so sorry for you and Jen. greatauntoftriplets Aug 2012 #40
Tobin ~ My heart goes out to you and Jen Dystopian Aug 2012 #41
So sorry Tobin and Jen. likesmountains 52 Aug 2012 #42
I'm very sorry to hear this. JohnnyLib2 Aug 2012 #43
That's terrible but it sounds like she has support. pa28 Aug 2012 #44
so sorry to hear this, Tobin. rurallib Aug 2012 #45
I'm so sorry, Tobin and Jen. femmocrat Aug 2012 #46
Prayers, be there for weach other in this time,,, benld74 Aug 2012 #47
My heart goes out to you and your wife Robyn66 Aug 2012 #48
love you guys fizzgig Aug 2012 #49
Oh, no. murielm99 Aug 2012 #50
Want to add my condolences. Fridays Child Aug 2012 #51
Sending love and prayers to you and Jen woodsprite Aug 2012 #52
All I can say is hugs to both of you - and it's okay to cry. HopeHoops Aug 2012 #53
So sorry, Tobin... Phentex Aug 2012 #54
Aw damn. Was worried about you both when I saw your other post last week. riderinthestorm Aug 2012 #55
O, god, Tobin, I am so sorry. Bertha Venation Aug 2012 #56
Sorry to hear that Xyzse Aug 2012 #57
My condolences. dawg Aug 2012 #58
I am so very, very sorry! *hugs* I suffered 2 early miscarriages like that myself, and it was just GreenPartyVoter Aug 2012 #59
I am so sorry for Jen and you MissHoneychurch Aug 2012 #61
We have been there. RetroGamer1971 Sep 2012 #62
I'm so sorry. SalmonChantedEvening Sep 2012 #63
I'm so sorry TuxedoKat Sep 2012 #64
Such sad news . . . Callalily Sep 2012 #65
You don't know me Worried senior Sep 2012 #66
Oh that's so hard, I'm so sorry ismnotwasm Sep 2012 #67
I'm so sorry NewJeffCT Sep 2012 #68
I am so sorry for both you and Jen susanr516 Sep 2012 #69
I'm sorry for you and Jen, Tobin OmahaBlueDog Sep 2012 #70
So sorry, Tobin appal_jack Sep 2012 #71
So very sorry for you and Jen. cordelia Sep 2012 #72
I'm crying with Jen and you lunatica Sep 2012 #73
I am sorry for your loss Nikia Sep 2012 #74
Damn, I'm so very sorry TorchTheWitch Sep 2012 #75
You'll get through it, best wishes and kindest thoughts to you n/t intaglio Sep 2012 #76
OMG, I'm so sorry, Tobin! Odin2005 Sep 2012 #77
I am so sorry, Tobin. My mom had two miscarriages out of four pregnancies. UrbScotty Sep 2012 #78
I am so very sorry to hear this. davsand Sep 2012 #79
Dear Tobin, I'm so sorry. LiberalAndProud Sep 2012 #80
I'm so sorry; be kind to her. mykpart Sep 2012 #81
I'm very sorry, T. nt MrScorpio Sep 2012 #82
That's terrible. I apparently had 2 potential younger siblings that didn't get born Tunkamerica Sep 2012 #83

Response to Tobin S. (Original post)

hedgehog

(36,286 posts)
3. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this! I wish I could make things easier for you now, but I know this is
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 06:08 PM
Aug 2012

a terrible grief.

NightWatcher

(39,343 posts)
5. like I told Jen, you dont have to wait a couple months
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 06:10 PM
Aug 2012

Me and the Mrs. tried again less than 4 weeks later and voila, my 17 month old daughter is sitting next to me on the couch now. We tried again so fast that we didnt realize we were pregnant until we were 12 weeks into it.

This one was just not ready. Dont give up. Keep "practicing".

GreenPartyVoter

(72,376 posts)
60. They recommend waiting to give the moms time to get back to full health, so as to
Thu Aug 30, 2012, 10:20 AM
Aug 2012

lower the chances of losing the next one. (Or so my obgyn told me when I lost mine.)

 

bigwillq

(72,790 posts)
8. That's sad.
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 06:26 PM
Aug 2012

I am sorry you and Jen have to go through this.

My Mom had a few miscarriages, and a stillborn, but then had my sister and I (twins!)

So don't give up!

I don't think I've ever told you this, but you're one of my fave DUers. I enjoy reading the stories you post here. I wish only the best for you and Jen.




haele

(12,566 posts)
9. Oh no - so sorry.
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 06:28 PM
Aug 2012

Hold her close, it's a very disheartening time for her. Make sure she knows it's not her fault.

Haele

redwitch

(14,921 posts)
10. I am sorry to hear this Tobin.
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 06:29 PM
Aug 2012

No advice from me, just a big hug and hopes that you and Jen will be parents someday soon.

marzipanni

(6,011 posts)
13. I'm so sorry! I send comforting vibes
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 06:40 PM
Aug 2012

and prayers for you and Jen.
She had a good attitude when she wrote, when you were first worrying about this, if she was going to miscarry something was wrong, and it couldn't develop, but the sadness is deep... and such a drop from high to low.

It was reassuring in your thread on August 25th, there were quite a few posts from other DUers who have gone through this, and have children.
So, we will all hope again, because you and Jen will be great parents and someday soon a little soul is going to float down and enter your lives.

The empressof all

(29,098 posts)
17. I was told one in three pregnancies end that way
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 07:07 PM
Aug 2012

At least that's what the doctor told me when I miscarried around the same time in my pregnancy as Jen. Yes it is painful and she may have a rough couple of weeks with the hormone fluctuations. I went on to have a beautiful daughter a few years later....

I am so very sad to hear about your loss Tobin...Best to you and Jen

trof

(54,255 posts)
18. I hesitated to post this...but I will.
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 07:13 PM
Aug 2012

I had a very close friend who was an ob/gyn.
He died last year and I sure miss him.

Arthur was an excellent doctor, beloved by his patients.
He was a member of Planned Parenthood and treated many 'charity' cases.

A few years after we became friends (back in the 70s) his wife had a miscarriage.
She is also a physician, so they were both very aware of what was going on with her body.
She eventually had another child, a boy.
And he is now a physician.

When our friends told us of her miscarriage we went to their house to try and comfort them.
Here's what they told us.
"Nature, and a woman's body, sometimes have a way of terminating pregnancies that are flawed."

I know this is not much comfort to you.
But I thought you should hear it.

I'm so sorry.
trof



 

rug

(82,333 posts)
20. Of all the hard things about this one of the hardest is letting go of thinking about her (or him).
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 07:17 PM
Aug 2012

I'm very sorry you two are experiencing this pain.

CaliforniaPeggy

(149,181 posts)
23. I am so sorry to hear this, my dear Tobin...
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 07:25 PM
Aug 2012

I miscarried my first pregnancy too, and I still remember how devastated I was. I was afraid I would never have a healthy child...

But, as your doctor said for you two, try again in a couple of months. There's nothing wrong with her, or you. Miscarriages happen.

I worried every month of my subsequent pregnancy. And then my daughter had the nerve to show up two weeks past her due date...

Hang in there!

coffeenap

(3,172 posts)
28. I am so sorry, Tobin.
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 07:40 PM
Aug 2012

The excitement of a wanted pregnancy knows no equal and the loss is real. I have been there and send you heartfelt sympathy. I wish you both comfort in this difficult time.

MrsBrady

(4,187 posts)
29. don't let anybody tell either of you how to feel.
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 07:51 PM
Aug 2012

let her be sad. she needs to grieve.
and I'm glad she has you. she will NEED you.

When I had a miscarriage 13 years ago, I had no one.

People will try to be nice and say things like
'oh you can have another" (but that was always annoying to me and I think it's rude because it discounts the loss and what you are going through.)
...and you can and you will...but you will miss that child.
don't let anyone rush you guys...our society is not good at
recognizing loss...and the "world" will give you probably about
5 minutes and her maybe two weeks. but take as long as you need.

My heart goes out to both of you, and please let her know we are sending vibes
or prayers...whatever you need.

Please keep us updated and if you need any support, please feel free to PM me...
and you know you always have the lounge.

MiddleFingerMom

(25,163 posts)
32. I am so very sorry.
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 08:04 PM
Aug 2012

.
.
.
I wish I were there to hold each of you and/or both of you just as tightly and for
as often and as long as you felt necessary.
.
I've still got strong arms and broad shoulders for that.
.
Any time you need, you just feel youself(ves) wrapped up in those arms with your
head(s) on those shoulders and shout or cry or just rest for as long as you want.
.
You are not alone.
.
I am with you.
.
Many of us are with you.
.

.
.
.

derby378

(30,252 posts)
33. I'm so sorry to hear about this
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 08:15 PM
Aug 2012

I've had a relative and a co-worker who both miscarried, and they both got told the same thing: it's tragic, but in a way it proves that your body is healthy enough to know when something's not right with a pregnancy. My very best to you and Jen.

Lone_Star_Dem

(28,158 posts)
34. I feel a bit like an intruder.
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 08:19 PM
Aug 2012

I hardly ever post here, but I saw your post the other day. I was worried for you two then.

I've been there. It's horrible and my heart is breaking for both of you.

It gets easier with time. Be there for each other. It's all you can do, and it's the best thing for both of you right now.

My thoughts are with you both.

pink-o

(4,056 posts)
35. Others have said upthread all that I feel....
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 08:21 PM
Aug 2012

...and said it better. But just know: you guys are our Lounge Royal Couple, we love you and we're so sorry for your loss. You're grieving and it's hard, but you will draw comfort from each other. Together, you're invincible.

Stay strong

Chellee

(2,083 posts)
37. I'm so incredibly sorry.
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 08:49 PM
Aug 2012

I don't post very often, but I have been thinking about you both since she started spotting. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Honeycombe8

(37,648 posts)
38. I'm so sorry. You're a great husband. My dr said 1 in 3 pregnancies spontaneously abort in 1st
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 08:50 PM
Aug 2012

trimester. So they're fairly common. The women recover physically quite quickly. And guess what? Old wives' tale says women more easily get pregnant after they've recently been pregnant! I know I did.

Wanna know what my ex-husband said when I was having a miscarriage? "Don't bleed on the carpet." And "Does this mean you'll have to miss work tomorrow?"

sarge43

(28,935 posts)
39. Words are inadequate at times like this
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 08:55 PM
Aug 2012

I hope it's enough to say I am so very sorry for your loss. Strength and comfort.

Dystopian

(6,421 posts)
41. Tobin ~ My heart goes out to you and Jen
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 09:04 PM
Aug 2012

I'm so very sorry for your loss...



peace and love to you both~

benld74

(9,881 posts)
47. Prayers, be there for weach other in this time,,,
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 10:05 PM
Aug 2012

my wife miscarried in '94 and it is the most helpless anyone can feel in their lives. We did provide a name and have told our other two kids so they know as well.

Robyn66

(1,675 posts)
48. My heart goes out to you and your wife
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 10:36 PM
Aug 2012

I miscarried our first in 93 and it was very hard pretty much because out of kindness and to try and help me everyone around me wanted me to just forget about it and move on. It was an honest attempt to help and I love them for it. Unfortunately I was still grieving because I was very attached to that baby even though I was only 5 or 6 weeks along and it never turned in to anything anyway.

Believe me, saying "its natures way of dealing with a pregnancy with something wrong" wont help no matter how well it is meant. I think we all know that if you miscarry, you know something was wrong. Now some people snap back from a miscarriage and are just fine and I WISH I was like that. But others (like me) needed to really grieve. There are support groups for people who miscarry. A friend of mine bought me a book called "How to survive the loss of a love" which helped incredibly. Its a short book and it helps with little daily directives and it helped me and other friends who have miscarried or have lost other loved ones.

One other thing was I felt like I was dealing with this death, but there was no funeral or grave to put flowers on so I never got any kind of closure. That is probably because in my mind things were further along than they actually were, so what I did was plant a tree that was my baby tree (it was actually a lilac bush) nothing maudlin or fancy just something that I bought and planted for that purpose. All I can say is it helped.

You are probably not in the mood for suggestion--o-rama right now but even though I dint know you, you and your wife are in my thoughts during this painful time. You will get through this and have a beautiful baby some day soon!
Take care!!!

murielm99

(30,617 posts)
50. Oh, no.
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 11:26 PM
Aug 2012

I mourn with you, but if the doc says you can try again, things may turn out well after all.

But I am so sorry about this time.

Fridays Child

(23,998 posts)
51. Want to add my condolences.
Wed Aug 29, 2012, 11:27 PM
Aug 2012

I don't know you and your wife but I can tell by your posts that this loss is difficult for both of you. It sounds like you have a strong and deep love for each other, though, and that's what will see you through this tough time. Hang in there.

dawg

(10,595 posts)
58. My condolences.
Thu Aug 30, 2012, 10:12 AM
Aug 2012

I'm sorry that two such nice people had to go through this, but I'm glad that you have each other. I do believe in the power of prayer. Someone once told me, and it stuck with me, that even if prayer doesn't change anything else - it changes you. You and Jen will be in my thought and prayers and I wish you both all the best.

GreenPartyVoter

(72,376 posts)
59. I am so very, very sorry! *hugs* I suffered 2 early miscarriages like that myself, and it was just
Thu Aug 30, 2012, 10:19 AM
Aug 2012

devastating. I was given orders to up my folic acid intake and use progesterone suppositories during my third pregnancy. He is now 14 years old. (And the next one showed up without even trying.)

I am sending vibes of healing and comfort out to you both!

MissHoneychurch

(33,600 posts)
61. I am so sorry for Jen and you
Thu Aug 30, 2012, 10:31 AM
Aug 2012


Please take care of each other at this hard times. I can't even imagine how awful that must be emotionally.

Worried senior

(1,328 posts)
66. You don't know me
Sun Sep 2, 2012, 10:47 AM
Sep 2012

but I too had seen your previous post and have been wondering how things were going.

I am sorry for your loss but you can try again and we're all hoping for success the next time around.

susanr516

(1,425 posts)
69. I am so sorry for both you and Jen
Sun Sep 2, 2012, 12:09 PM
Sep 2012

Having gone through an early miscarriage many years ago, I know how much it hurts. Everyone grieves at his/her own pace; take time to hold each other and work through the process together. People told me that I could have another baby and I knew they meant well, but sometimes I felt like screaming, "But I wanted THIS baby!" The pain never totally goes away, but it gets better. I miscarried in 1978, and I am a little teary-eyed right now just thinking about it.

I will leave you with this. Nothing will replace the little angel you lost, but--as many others have said--a first trimester loss is almost always due to a problem with the baby and not the mother. I went on to have 3 other healthy children, the last when I was 40. One of my daughters had 2 1st trimester miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy (thank God, we discovered that early, so no rupture.) She and her husband are now the proud parents of a beautiful little girl who is almost 3 years old.

OmahaBlueDog

(10,000 posts)
70. I'm sorry for you and Jen, Tobin
Sun Sep 2, 2012, 12:24 PM
Sep 2012
The doctor says we can try again in a couple of months. There's nothing wrong with Jen's body and there was no trauma. So that's good news. I guess this time was just a misfire, for lack of better words.


It's nothing organically wrong. You two can try again. Seriously, that is good news.

I do not believe in the power of prayer, but since last Tuesday I've felt the urge to do so. Jen was about 5 weeks along so the loss occurred early, but it was still very painful to us. I've never seen Jen so sad.


I'm myself and some others will do that for you.
 

appal_jack

(3,813 posts)
71. So sorry, Tobin
Sun Sep 2, 2012, 12:25 PM
Sep 2012

Hope that you & Jen heal as quickly and as best as you can. Although I only know you through DU, that's enough for me to be sur ethat you & Jen both are good people, who love each other very much. Hold her close.



-app

Nikia

(11,411 posts)
74. I am sorry for your loss
Sun Sep 2, 2012, 04:14 PM
Sep 2012

I have also experienced miscarriages but now have two young children.
Take care of yourselves.

TorchTheWitch

(11,065 posts)
75. Damn, I'm so very sorry
Sun Sep 2, 2012, 04:36 PM
Sep 2012

I remember you had posted about the bleeding at the first and were crossing your fingers, and I'd so hoped it would all work out. I'm so very sorry to hear that this time didn't end well. Both you and Jen must be so devistated. Good news though that there doesn't seem to be anything to prevent a normal pregnancy in the near future.

Big hugs to both you and Jen.


UrbScotty

(23,979 posts)
78. I am so sorry, Tobin. My mom had two miscarriages out of four pregnancies.
Tue Sep 4, 2012, 12:56 AM
Sep 2012

I am lucky that I was one of the two who did survive.

I can hardly imagine what that must be like for you to deal with.

All the best.

davsand

(13,420 posts)
79. I am so very sorry to hear this.
Tue Sep 4, 2012, 01:32 AM
Sep 2012

Mere words are not adequate at a time like this. Please know I'll carry you both in my heart during this difficult time.





Laura

LiberalAndProud

(12,799 posts)
80. Dear Tobin, I'm so sorry.
Tue Sep 4, 2012, 01:57 AM
Sep 2012

This is a sad time for you both. Cherish each other. I'm sending you both a hug. Please forward to Jen.

mykpart

(3,879 posts)
81. I'm so sorry; be kind to her.
Tue Sep 4, 2012, 02:39 AM
Sep 2012

I lost my first baby as a stillbirth, and miscarried my second pregnancy. But I later gave birth to 2 wonderful sons (one at a time). I always blamed myself for losing those first two babies, and I think that is true for most women. So your job is to help her to forgive herself. Sending love her way.

Tunkamerica

(4,444 posts)
83. That's terrible. I apparently had 2 potential younger siblings that didn't get born
Tue Sep 4, 2012, 05:36 AM
Sep 2012

But then I had 2 more that were, so there's always hope.

In a strictly scientific frame: there was a study done a little while back that indicated that women who had recently had miscarriages were actually more likely to carry to term a fetus started soon after.

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