The DU Lounge
Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsJen had a miscarriage
Jen is my wife for those of you who don't read the lounge much. I've talked about her a lot here in the past because she is the love of my life and I never thought I'd find someone like that.
Jen started bleeding slightly last Tuesday. She called for advice on Friday and the doctor told her to go to the emergency room since the gynecologist could not see her right away. The diagnosis was "threatened miscarriage" but she was not having a miscarriage at the time or so the ultrasound results said. We thought things might be okay and the doctor said things could still turn out alright.
Monday night the bleeding got heavier. Jen called the doctor's office Tuesday morning and they told her to come in. They did an ultrasound and determined that she was having a miscarriage. She's at home now and will be until Thursday of next week. What I didn't know and probably what a lot of people don't know is that a miscarriage doesn't happen in a day or a short period of time. It's a process that can take a couple of weeks. It's uncomfortable physically and hurts worse emotionally.
I do not believe in the power of prayer, but since last Tuesday I've felt the urge to do so. Jen was about 5 weeks along so the loss occurred early, but it was still very painful to us. I've never seen Jen so sad.
The doctor says we can try again in a couple of months. There's nothing wrong with Jen's body and there was no trauma. So that's good news. I guess this time was just a misfire, for lack of better words.
Response to Tobin S. (Original post)
Tuesday Afternoon This message was self-deleted by its author.
blueamy66
(6,795 posts)hedgehog
(36,286 posts)a terrible grief.
pinboy3niner
(53,339 posts)Take good care of Jen--and yourself.
NightWatcher
(39,343 posts)Me and the Mrs. tried again less than 4 weeks later and voila, my 17 month old daughter is sitting next to me on the couch now. We tried again so fast that we didnt realize we were pregnant until we were 12 weeks into it.
This one was just not ready. Dont give up. Keep "practicing".
GreenPartyVoter
(72,376 posts)lower the chances of losing the next one. (Or so my obgyn told me when I lost mine.)
I am so sorry, you guys.
bluesbassman
(19,274 posts)Glad that Jen is doing well physically.
bigwillq
(72,790 posts)I am sorry you and Jen have to go through this.
My Mom had a few miscarriages, and a stillborn, but then had my sister and I (twins!)
So don't give up!
I don't think I've ever told you this, but you're one of my fave DUers. I enjoy reading the stories you post here. I wish only the best for you and Jen.
haele
(12,566 posts)Hold her close, it's a very disheartening time for her. Make sure she knows it's not her fault.
Haele
redwitch
(14,921 posts)No advice from me, just a big hug and hopes that you and Jen will be parents someday soon.
warrior1
(12,325 posts)LaurenG
(24,841 posts)bug hugs to both you and Jen.
marzipanni
(6,011 posts)and prayers for you and Jen.
She had a good attitude when she wrote, when you were first worrying about this, if she was going to miscarry something was wrong, and it couldn't develop, but the sadness is deep... and such a drop from high to low.
It was reassuring in your thread on August 25th, there were quite a few posts from other DUers who have gone through this, and have children.
So, we will all hope again, because you and Jen will be great parents and someday soon a little soul is going to float down and enter your lives.
cyberswede
(26,117 posts)Take care of her...and you.
Baitball Blogger
(46,532 posts)Denninmi
(6,581 posts)I wish I knew anything else to say.
The empressof all
(29,098 posts)At least that's what the doctor told me when I miscarried around the same time in my pregnancy as Jen. Yes it is painful and she may have a rough couple of weeks with the hormone fluctuations. I went on to have a beautiful daughter a few years later....
I am so very sad to hear about your loss Tobin...Best to you and Jen
trof
(54,255 posts)I had a very close friend who was an ob/gyn.
He died last year and I sure miss him.
Arthur was an excellent doctor, beloved by his patients.
He was a member of Planned Parenthood and treated many 'charity' cases.
A few years after we became friends (back in the 70s) his wife had a miscarriage.
She is also a physician, so they were both very aware of what was going on with her body.
She eventually had another child, a boy.
And he is now a physician.
When our friends told us of her miscarriage we went to their house to try and comfort them.
Here's what they told us.
"Nature, and a woman's body, sometimes have a way of terminating pregnancies that are flawed."
I know this is not much comfort to you.
But I thought you should hear it.
I'm so sorry.
trof
nolabear
(41,902 posts)rug
(82,333 posts)I'm very sorry you two are experiencing this pain.
WCGreen
(45,558 posts)alphafemale
(18,497 posts)I'm so sorry.
CaliforniaPeggy
(149,181 posts)I miscarried my first pregnancy too, and I still remember how devastated I was. I was afraid I would never have a healthy child...
But, as your doctor said for you two, try again in a couple of months. There's nothing wrong with her, or you. Miscarriages happen.
I worried every month of my subsequent pregnancy. And then my daughter had the nerve to show up two weeks past her due date...
Hang in there!
emilyg
(22,742 posts)RebelOne
(30,947 posts)And I can understand Jen's sadness. I hope your next attempt is successful.
snappyturtle
(14,656 posts)Flaxbee
(13,661 posts)My condolences, vibes, etc. to you and Jen. to you both.
coffeenap
(3,172 posts)The excitement of a wanted pregnancy knows no equal and the loss is real. I have been there and send you heartfelt sympathy. I wish you both comfort in this difficult time.
MrsBrady
(4,187 posts)let her be sad. she needs to grieve.
and I'm glad she has you. she will NEED you.
When I had a miscarriage 13 years ago, I had no one.
People will try to be nice and say things like
'oh you can have another" (but that was always annoying to me and I think it's rude because it discounts the loss and what you are going through.)
...and you can and you will...but you will miss that child.
don't let anyone rush you guys...our society is not good at
recognizing loss...and the "world" will give you probably about
5 minutes and her maybe two weeks. but take as long as you need.
My heart goes out to both of you, and please let her know we are sending vibes
or prayers...whatever you need.
Please keep us updated and if you need any support, please feel free to PM me...
and you know you always have the lounge.
easttexaslefty
(1,554 posts)frogmarch
(12,143 posts)you and your dear Jen.
MiddleFingerMom
(25,163 posts).
.
.
I wish I were there to hold each of you and/or both of you just as tightly and for
as often and as long as you felt necessary.
.
I've still got strong arms and broad shoulders for that.
.
Any time you need, you just feel youself(ves) wrapped up in those arms with your
head(s) on those shoulders and shout or cry or just rest for as long as you want.
.
You are not alone.
.
I am with you.
.
Many of us are with you.
.
.
.
.
derby378
(30,252 posts)I've had a relative and a co-worker who both miscarried, and they both got told the same thing: it's tragic, but in a way it proves that your body is healthy enough to know when something's not right with a pregnancy. My very best to you and Jen.
Lone_Star_Dem
(28,158 posts)I hardly ever post here, but I saw your post the other day. I was worried for you two then.
I've been there. It's horrible and my heart is breaking for both of you.
It gets easier with time. Be there for each other. It's all you can do, and it's the best thing for both of you right now.
My thoughts are with you both.
pink-o
(4,056 posts)...and said it better. But just know: you guys are our Lounge Royal Couple, we love you and we're so sorry for your loss. You're grieving and it's hard, but you will draw comfort from each other. Together, you're invincible.
Stay strong
seabeyond
(110,159 posts)Chellee
(2,083 posts)I don't post very often, but I have been thinking about you both since she started spotting. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Honeycombe8
(37,648 posts)trimester. So they're fairly common. The women recover physically quite quickly. And guess what? Old wives' tale says women more easily get pregnant after they've recently been pregnant! I know I did.
Wanna know what my ex-husband said when I was having a miscarriage? "Don't bleed on the carpet." And "Does this mean you'll have to miss work tomorrow?"
sarge43
(28,935 posts)I hope it's enough to say I am so very sorry for your loss. Strength and comfort.
greatauntoftriplets
(175,654 posts)Dystopian
(6,421 posts)I'm so very sorry for your loss...
peace and love to you both~
likesmountains 52
(4,093 posts)JohnnyLib2
(11,202 posts)Hugs to both of you.
pa28
(6,145 posts)Best wishes to both of you.
rurallib
(62,328 posts)to say the least your friends on DU are pulling for you two.
femmocrat
(28,394 posts)benld74
(9,881 posts)my wife miscarried in '94 and it is the most helpless anyone can feel in their lives. We did provide a name and have told our other two kids so they know as well.
Robyn66
(1,675 posts)I miscarried our first in 93 and it was very hard pretty much because out of kindness and to try and help me everyone around me wanted me to just forget about it and move on. It was an honest attempt to help and I love them for it. Unfortunately I was still grieving because I was very attached to that baby even though I was only 5 or 6 weeks along and it never turned in to anything anyway.
Believe me, saying "its natures way of dealing with a pregnancy with something wrong" wont help no matter how well it is meant. I think we all know that if you miscarry, you know something was wrong. Now some people snap back from a miscarriage and are just fine and I WISH I was like that. But others (like me) needed to really grieve. There are support groups for people who miscarry. A friend of mine bought me a book called "How to survive the loss of a love" which helped incredibly. Its a short book and it helps with little daily directives and it helped me and other friends who have miscarried or have lost other loved ones.
One other thing was I felt like I was dealing with this death, but there was no funeral or grave to put flowers on so I never got any kind of closure. That is probably because in my mind things were further along than they actually were, so what I did was plant a tree that was my baby tree (it was actually a lilac bush) nothing maudlin or fancy just something that I bought and planted for that purpose. All I can say is it helped.
You are probably not in the mood for suggestion--o-rama right now but even though I dint know you, you and your wife are in my thoughts during this painful time. You will get through this and have a beautiful baby some day soon!
Take care!!!
fizzgig
(24,146 posts)murielm99
(30,617 posts)I mourn with you, but if the doc says you can try again, things may turn out well after all.
But I am so sorry about this time.
Fridays Child
(23,998 posts)I don't know you and your wife but I can tell by your posts that this loss is difficult for both of you. It sounds like you have a strong and deep love for each other, though, and that's what will see you through this tough time. Hang in there.
woodsprite
(11,829 posts)HopeHoops
(47,675 posts)Phentex
(16,329 posts)Big hugs to you and Jen!
riderinthestorm
(23,272 posts)Bertha Venation
(21,484 posts)You and Jen are in my thoughts.
Xyzse
(8,217 posts)I wish you both well and good luck!
dawg
(10,595 posts)I'm sorry that two such nice people had to go through this, but I'm glad that you have each other. I do believe in the power of prayer. Someone once told me, and it stuck with me, that even if prayer doesn't change anything else - it changes you. You and Jen will be in my thought and prayers and I wish you both all the best.
GreenPartyVoter
(72,376 posts)devastating. I was given orders to up my folic acid intake and use progesterone suppositories during my third pregnancy. He is now 14 years old. (And the next one showed up without even trying.)
I am sending vibes of healing and comfort out to you both!
MissHoneychurch
(33,600 posts)Please take care of each other at this hard times. I can't even imagine how awful that must be emotionally.
RetroGamer1971
(177 posts)So sorry. We have been in your shoes. Sending good thoughts your way from AZ!
SalmonChantedEvening
(31,946 posts)Sending all my love to you and Jen.
TuxedoKat
(3,818 posts)I had an early one too. (((HUGS)))
Callalily
(14,880 posts)my heart goes out to you and Jen. Take time to grieve and to comfort each other.
Worried senior
(1,328 posts)but I too had seen your previous post and have been wondering how things were going.
I am sorry for your loss but you can try again and we're all hoping for success the next time around.
ismnotwasm
(41,885 posts)I wish you and your wife all health and happiness.
NewJeffCT
(56,827 posts)you & your wife have my sympathy.
susanr516
(1,425 posts)Having gone through an early miscarriage many years ago, I know how much it hurts. Everyone grieves at his/her own pace; take time to hold each other and work through the process together. People told me that I could have another baby and I knew they meant well, but sometimes I felt like screaming, "But I wanted THIS baby!" The pain never totally goes away, but it gets better. I miscarried in 1978, and I am a little teary-eyed right now just thinking about it.
I will leave you with this. Nothing will replace the little angel you lost, but--as many others have said--a first trimester loss is almost always due to a problem with the baby and not the mother. I went on to have 3 other healthy children, the last when I was 40. One of my daughters had 2 1st trimester miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy (thank God, we discovered that early, so no rupture.) She and her husband are now the proud parents of a beautiful little girl who is almost 3 years old.
OmahaBlueDog
(10,000 posts)It's nothing organically wrong. You two can try again. Seriously, that is good news.
I'm myself and some others will do that for you.
appal_jack
(3,813 posts)Hope that you & Jen heal as quickly and as best as you can. Although I only know you through DU, that's enough for me to be sur ethat you & Jen both are good people, who love each other very much. Hold her close.
-app
cordelia
(2,174 posts)lunatica
(53,410 posts)this is heartbreaking.
Nikia
(11,411 posts)I have also experienced miscarriages but now have two young children.
Take care of yourselves.
TorchTheWitch
(11,065 posts)I remember you had posted about the bleeding at the first and were crossing your fingers, and I'd so hoped it would all work out. I'm so very sorry to hear that this time didn't end well. Both you and Jen must be so devistated. Good news though that there doesn't seem to be anything to prevent a normal pregnancy in the near future.
Big hugs to both you and Jen.
intaglio
(8,170 posts)Odin2005
(53,521 posts)UrbScotty
(23,979 posts)I am lucky that I was one of the two who did survive.
I can hardly imagine what that must be like for you to deal with.
All the best.
davsand
(13,420 posts)Mere words are not adequate at a time like this. Please know I'll carry you both in my heart during this difficult time.
Laura
LiberalAndProud
(12,799 posts)This is a sad time for you both. Cherish each other. I'm sending you both a hug. Please forward to Jen.
mykpart
(3,879 posts)I lost my first baby as a stillbirth, and miscarried my second pregnancy. But I later gave birth to 2 wonderful sons (one at a time). I always blamed myself for losing those first two babies, and I think that is true for most women. So your job is to help her to forgive herself. Sending love her way.
MrScorpio
(73,610 posts)Tunkamerica
(4,444 posts)But then I had 2 more that were, so there's always hope.
In a strictly scientific frame: there was a study done a little while back that indicated that women who had recently had miscarriages were actually more likely to carry to term a fetus started soon after.