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Sat Jun 19, 2021, 06:14 PM

Guy at coffee shop: Hey beautiful, can I get your coffee so we can chat?

Last edited Sat Jun 19, 2021, 10:19 PM - Edit history (1)






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Guy at coffee shop: Hey beautiful, can I get your coffee so we can chat?

Me: Aw, thanks, but I'm seeing someone.

Guy: But I don't see him here?

Then even after I sit down to work, he has to do a drive by and make me tell him to go away again.

THIS IS WHY WE HATE YOU

Now he's loud talking on his phone like two tables away. Doing some big important business deal. Probably. Or something.

OMG you guys PLOT TWIST: I think his...date? Just showed up?

So bro had a date, just was going to...what, talk me up for ten and then be like "oh, sorry, got another bitch on the line over here"?

And he's literally complaining about...wait for it...HIS EX WIFE

This has all happened inside of ten minutes and I'm screaming omg

I'm not even having to work hard to eavesdrop because his voice is at like an eleven

He's now telling this poor woman that his ex wife is big mad that he's working at the Ren Faire on the weekends this summer so he won't be able to take the kids

He's one of those guys that, when relaying a conversation, uses the phrase "So I says to her"

That's a dealbreaker right there

He's telling her now something about hydraulics and tying in valves and something about how dirty (no I'm not kidding) his job is. And it's like...he's trying really hard to make that a double entendre and she is just staring at him rather blankly

OMFG he's drawing a diagram on a napkin

Amy (I've learned her name at this point), is so sweetly asking him questions about these...valves? And trying so hard to feign interest but I just caught her eye and smiled and she gave me this pained look, so now I'm invested

"See, I'm anal about certain things...heh, if you know what I mean"

Oh

My

God

He's telling her about how some thing has to be perpendicular to another thing but his hands were gesturing parallel...

And Amy says "Do you mean parallel?"

And guy says "I've been doing this a long fuckin' time, I mean fuckin' perpendicular. Like THIS"

And does parallel again

Ok, so Amy now was telling him about HER job and how she's been working remotely because, you know, pandemic

He said

"Ah, so you're fuckin' spoiled, now I know what I'm in for"

holy shit

Amy's patience seems to be wearing thin, she just took a massive triple swig of her cold brew

She just started to tell him some other story I couldn't quite hear (because she doesn't yell her words) and he interrupted her and to shout "OK lemme tell you something about THAT"

(I really have to pee but I cannot get up and miss this)

Ok ok ok ok omg omg omg omg

He's telling her about the tattoo that pissed off his (ex) step-kids...and **pulled his tank top down around his manboob** to show her the tattoo he has of a...mermaid?

ON HIS MANBOOB

THE TAIL GOES AROUND THE NIPPLE AND HE IS PROUD

I'm crying omg

Shit I tried really hard to get a pic while he had his manboob out but I couldn't do it discreetly

Amy asked where he got the tattoo because she's been thinking about getting one

AMY YOU DO NOT WANT ONE FROM THE PERSON WHO DID THAT

Ok I learned that his RenFair job is at the Corn Cottage.

Which he's pretty excited about because it's the only corn place AT THE WHOLE FAIRE.

And you know, a lot of people think that the corn place and the butterfly potato place are two different businesses BUT THEY ARE NOT

Ok now he's flashing his access to Ren Faire tickets for her like he's saying he can get her 50 yard line at the Super Bowl

And she shouldn't forget to come to the Corn Cottage and he'll hook her up...but only if she dresses up

Ok now he's asking to look at her nails (she has really long lavender nail tips)

And he just said

I fucking kid you not

"You may have to make those less sharp for our third date...heh heh"

As he slings his arm across the back of his chair like he just sunk a half court shot

YOU GUYS THIS IS THE SECOND DATE OMG

WHAT THE FUCK AMY

HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT NEW PLOT TWIST

He just said he had a falling out with his daughter over THE WHOLE OPEN MARRIAGE THING.

It wasn't his ex he was talking about after all

And...now he's crying

And wiped his eyes....with his tank top

We immediately pivoted from his open marriage and yet his estranged (?) wife and kids that don't like him and we're now onto...

...how all gun laws come from racism.

This is a hell of a pivot, my dude

And to think I had an opportunity to be part of this...harem I guess?

I really missed out on the corn cottage hookup and his deep and sprawling knowledge about concealed carry laws and racism

Ok kids

Now we're talking about how he is really angry that (I think?) he can't own a gun or have a concealed carry permit or something because "he got letters from all three facilities stating (he) is not a threat to anyone"

What facilities, I do not yet know, reader

"If someone's gonna come at me, it's gonna end badly for them"

So we're onto the inventory of guns and how this guy is afraid of him because his wife (?), who is named Mary Margaret, told him "he doesn't miss"

now we're doing air gun demonstrations about his shooting prowess

"People see me shoot, and they're fuckin' impressed. I'm very fast. But I'm also very accurate.

At 35 feet, which is a pretty good distance, I put all my bullets in the space the size of my fist. Because I have a fucking competition sight and that shit is boss"

"They see all my lead down range and they don't fuck with me"

Remember, kids, beware the people at the Corn Cottage. They pack some fuckin' heat.

"Mary Margaret likes to coupon shop, so we're sitting on 10,000 rounds"

WHO THE FUCK BUYS BULLETS WITH COUPONS

What I'm mostly curious about is how close this guy lives to me because he's at my neighborhood coffee shop and I just...maybe I need to move

Amy hasn't said a word in like 15 minutes, y'all

You guys I have to leave to pick up my kid in a few minutes and I'm not going to be able to hear the end of this date.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO

The coffee shop closes in 30. I wonder if my kid will hate me if I'm late to pick her up.

"No country in their right mind would ever invade this homeland, because of all the fuckin' rednecks. I mean, I've had situations where I have had to draw my weapon, and it's made the motherfuckers shit themselves.

But I know what the fuck I'm doing."

Why do I think maybe not

"Why do I have a gun? Precisely because you said I can't fucking have it. So that means I NEED it."

Oh sweet mercy

You GUYS

AMY IS APPLYING FOR HER CONCEALED CARRY PERMIT TOO

He is now giving her advice

About which guns to buy, what caliber, and how important it is to "try guns on to see which fits your body and your mind"

I did not see the Amy as a Gun Hound plot twist coming, y'all

"The ammunition that I carry is factory hollows"

And now he's bragging about how awesome of a shot his stepkids are because he trained them himself and they'll "Fuckin' be ready for whatever comes at 'em"

Oh hey, here's a shocker:

The son is an aspiring cop

"I love teaching people to shoot guns. It's fun. I get high on the fear"

OMG

Ok...now he's pivoted to other things he likes to do.

He's run the Solider Field 10K twice, did a couple 5ks...and is now telling Amy that he can teach her how to "build up her endurance"

And then he says

"Because you might just need it to keep up with me"

I need a shower

You guys the pace of the topic changes in this thing are giving me whiplash

OMG

AMY IS IN AN OPEN MARRIAGE TOO

And she has six dogs and two horses and ...a chinchilla?

And geese

Because why not

My dude used to have a hedgehog...but he lost it?

He says he's not convinced that one of his four dogs didn't eat it, but that that'll teach his kids to let their pets out of their room I guess

Okay now we're talking about sex

This should be good

He's making sure to tell her that "If he just wanted to get fucked, he totally could, but he enjoys conversation with her and that's important...

SO THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT AFTER"

Oh jeeeeeeeeeeeezus

OMGOMG OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

She was supposed to meet someone else last week who apparently didn't show up for their date AT A SWINGERS CLUB

THAT IS SOMEWHERE NEAR MY HOUSE

Why did I not know I lived near a swinger's club

I should make sure to add this to my Zillow listing

He, of course, knows the place and says they have a great spinach dip

That's handy

Guys I'm having to try so hard not to laugh out loud I feel like I'm being punked

He just complimented her conversational abilities, so we're maybe moving toward closing the deal here? I'm not sure

Yep he just said he'd like to see her again and take her to...Chili's

Yep. Chili's. Because they have the best chips and salsa, y'all

And now he's going off about some local ice cream place they're gonna go for "first dessert"

OMFG

BECAUSE SHE'S GONNA BE SECOND DESSERT YOU GUYS hahahahahahahahhaha omg I'm going to totally pee my pants

Ok ok she's trying to wrap things up here because the coffee shop is closing

He is now getting really hilariously awkward. "I'd really like to show you how to get to the ice cream place"

Because...directions are romantic? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND

Okay they're getting up...is there going to be physical contact...

he's telling her what a fun person she is

and how he's glad she didn't judge his online profile as some kind of "unhinged redneck"

He's also telling her about how much they can learn from each other...the importance of "new and exciting" experiences....

OH FUCK HE JUST FULL ON TONGUE KISSED HER RIGHT HERE...like not the "in public" kind of kiss folks, this is PDA but like at a 22.5

And now he's telling her about his genetic heart defect...and that he's worried that his life span is going ot be shorter so he wants to "live it up"

with her

and he's quoting the lyrics "live like you're dying", so we're going full court press on the close here

He's crying again

Guys I think tank top guy is in love

hahahahahahhaha omg and as his closing gesture

he slapped her on the ass before shoving his tongue in her mouth again...and he told her how much fun he had

I really was hoping they would reveal when they're going to Chili's so I could do a chapter 2, but alas

Friends, thanks for enjoying this saga with me.

I think Amy and Tank Top Guy are going to have a bright, fully-armed, pet-rich future together with their various spouses and kids and if I find out the location of that swinger bar, I'll be sure and report back.

ain't love grand




24 replies, 1398 views

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Reply Guy at coffee shop: Hey beautiful, can I get your coffee so we can chat? (Original post)
Nevilledog Jun 19 OP
Hugh_Lebowski Jun 19 #1
Nevilledog Jun 19 #3
vercetti2021 Jun 19 #2
asiliveandbreathe Jun 19 #5
cbabe Jun 19 #4
Ferrets are Cool Jun 19 #6
Eyeball_Kid Jun 19 #7
TheBlackAdder Jun 19 #8
msongs Jun 19 #9
The Magistrate Jun 19 #10
NoMoreRepugs Jun 19 #11
Murphyb849 Jun 19 #15
tanyev Jun 19 #12
Buckeye_Democrat Jun 19 #13
SoCalDavidS Jun 19 #14
skypilot Jun 19 #16
LisaL Jun 20 #18
skypilot Jun 20 #21
smirkymonkey Jun 20 #17
barbtries Jun 20 #19
Iggo Jun 20 #20
Marthe48 Jun 20 #22
Marrah_Goodman Jun 21 #23
DFW Jun 21 #24

Response to Nevilledog (Original post)

Sat Jun 19, 2021, 06:26 PM

1. Just goes to show ya ... there's someone out there for everybody ...

Not that I have any experience (for real, I don't) but it sounds like a Tinder date where the girl wanted to meet in a coffee place first.

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Response to Hugh_Lebowski (Reply #1)

Sat Jun 19, 2021, 06:29 PM

3. This was their 2nd date....

I just love goofy Twitter threads. One before this was following a guy tweeting the 24 hours he had to spend in a Waffle House because he came in last in his fantasy football league.



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Response to Nevilledog (Original post)

Sat Jun 19, 2021, 06:27 PM

2. Plot twist

This was in Alabama and they're siblings!

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Response to vercetti2021 (Reply #2)

Sat Jun 19, 2021, 06:44 PM

5. OMG....If it hasn't been said..please turn water off at main..drowning in tears of

Laughter...that there caps it off rightly...

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Response to Nevilledog (Original post)

Sat Jun 19, 2021, 06:36 PM

4. oh. thank you!

Best laugh ever.

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Response to Nevilledog (Original post)

Sat Jun 19, 2021, 06:53 PM

6. I feel badly for the pets

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Response to Nevilledog (Original post)

Sat Jun 19, 2021, 06:55 PM

7. Nice piece of writing. More work than it looks like. n/t

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Response to Nevilledog (Original post)

Sat Jun 19, 2021, 06:55 PM

8. The dude's complex with many layers.

.













.

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Response to Nevilledog (Original post)

Sat Jun 19, 2021, 07:07 PM

9. potty mouth is a turn off for a start nt

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Response to Nevilledog (Original post)

Sat Jun 19, 2021, 07:33 PM

10. A Stan Mack Funnies Epic, Ma'am

All dialogue guaranteed overheard verbatim.

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Response to Nevilledog (Original post)

Sat Jun 19, 2021, 07:33 PM

11. Maybe my best laugh in weeks and weeks.

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Response to NoMoreRepugs (Reply #11)

Sat Jun 19, 2021, 09:12 PM

15. Me too 😂

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Response to Nevilledog (Original post)

Sat Jun 19, 2021, 07:35 PM

12. Fun read, but it looks like Amber didn't get any work done.

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Response to Nevilledog (Original post)

Sat Jun 19, 2021, 07:48 PM

13. Guys like Zapp Brannigan (Futurama) indeed exist...

... in real life. It amazes me when they find some female victims, but I'm probably missing their thousands of failures in that effort.

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Response to Nevilledog (Original post)

Sat Jun 19, 2021, 09:08 PM

14. I Was Rarely Successful In Dating

I guess I know why. I obviously was acting incorrectly, and should have been more like this guy.

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Response to Nevilledog (Original post)

Sat Jun 19, 2021, 10:15 PM

16. What is this?

The longer I read this the less it seemed like an actual conversation overheard in a coffee shop--which is what I initially assumed this to be--and more like a fiction writing exercise. Intersting format for a funny short story, if that's what this is. It was kind of funny when I thought that I was reading something someone was actually overhearing and transcribing but the longer this went on the more I doubted that this was the case and the less funny it became. I did not read the whole thing. Too long and improbable. Maybe something about it is going over my head. Maybe I'm just no fun today.

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Response to skypilot (Reply #16)

Sun Jun 20, 2021, 12:24 PM

18. I agree.

For someone not interested in a guy, writer seems to be awfully interested in his conversation with someone else.
She spend her time hanging on his every word to some other woman?

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Response to LisaL (Reply #18)

Sun Jun 20, 2021, 09:02 PM

21. The writer must also have...

...some superhuman typing skills. I can't imagine someone being able keep track of every twist and turn of a couple's conversation while typing it all out AND adding commentary. Is this possible or do I just suck at typing and texting?

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Response to Nevilledog (Original post)

Sun Jun 20, 2021, 12:36 AM

17. This is why I rarely leave the apartment.

Too many scary people out there.

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Response to Nevilledog (Original post)

Sun Jun 20, 2021, 03:09 PM

19. no offense to any DUers from there,

but does she live in NJ?

the whole thing just reminded me of a time in a restaurant many years ago. We'd closed the bar and were going to eat at a very popular all night diner. I was there with my boyfriend and his friend, both New Yorkers, when a guy came in with a girl, talking loud and braggadociously (sic?). Boyfriend's friend said, he's from Jersey. Within a minute or 2 the loud guy was showing the girl his NJ license.

never forgot that. The old SNL saw with Rosanna Rosanna Danna or whatever her name was - her mail always came from someone in NJ.

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Response to Nevilledog (Original post)

Sun Jun 20, 2021, 03:21 PM

20. Amber's never been to a bar by herself before?

Or been any kind of woman in America before?

I mean, yeah, thatís horrible behavior. We good guys think those guys are scum, too. But this kind of behavior is as old as the hills, and thatís not why you hate me, Amber.

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Response to Nevilledog (Original post)

Sun Jun 20, 2021, 10:20 PM

22. That's it no return to the dating scene for me

Nope.

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Response to Nevilledog (Original post)

Mon Jun 21, 2021, 09:42 AM

23. Omg.... Dying

I am laughing so hard.

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Response to Nevilledog (Original post)

Mon Jun 21, 2021, 08:12 PM

24. How boring my second "date" with my future wife must have been

I asked her if she was from Berlin (where we met) and she said no, she was from the flat farm country near the Dutch border, and was studying to be a social worker. And she asked me what America was like, since she had never been there (yet).

Now I realize how lacking our conversation really was! 😂

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