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Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:19 PM

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This message was self-deleted by its author (Soph0571) on Mon Oct 5, 2020, 09:37 AM. When the original post in a discussion thread is self-deleted, the entire discussion thread is automatically locked so new replies cannot be posted.

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Reply This message was self-deleted by its author (Original post)
Soph0571 Sep 20 OP
Aristus Sep 20 #1
Ferrets are Cool Sep 20 #2
blm Sep 20 #3
Eliot Rosewater Sep 20 #4
lillypaddle Sep 21 #86
tblue37 Sep 20 #5
soothsayer Sep 20 #6
Soph0571 Sep 20 #17
leftieNanner Sep 20 #50
vlyons Sep 20 #7
MLAA Sep 20 #8
CaliforniaPeggy Sep 20 #9
Soph0571 Sep 20 #23
CaliforniaPeggy Sep 20 #42
femmedem Sep 20 #10
NNadir Sep 20 #11
lisa58 Sep 20 #12
grantcart Sep 20 #61
demmiblue Sep 20 #13
Soph0571 Sep 20 #26
demmiblue Sep 20 #30
Laelth Sep 20 #14
The Velveteen Ocelot Sep 20 #15
alwaysinasnit Sep 20 #16
rurallib Sep 20 #18
RKP5637 Sep 20 #19
BComplex Sep 20 #20
volstork Sep 20 #21
pazzyanne Sep 20 #22
Callalily Sep 20 #24
Soph0571 Sep 20 #35
SheltieLover Sep 20 #52
AmyStrange Sep 20 #25
Soph0571 Sep 20 #36
AmyStrange Sep 20 #41
PatrickforO Sep 20 #27
Karadeniz Sep 20 #28
Soph0571 Sep 20 #37
LiberalLoner Sep 20 #29
ananda Sep 20 #31
llashram Sep 20 #32
pnwmom Sep 20 #33
steve2470 Sep 20 #80
Soph0571 Sep 21 #87
pnwmom Sep 21 #88
MFM008 Sep 20 #34
Tribalceltic Sep 20 #38
Alpeduez21 Sep 20 #39
MuseRider Sep 20 #40
Dem2theMax Sep 20 #43
3Hotdogs Sep 20 #44
Girard442 Sep 20 #45
ancianita Sep 20 #46
Evolve Dammit Sep 20 #47
Ohiogal Sep 20 #48
TygrBright Sep 20 #49
flamin lib Sep 20 #51
niyad Sep 20 #53
Kitchari Sep 20 #54
JDC Sep 20 #55
Olafjoy Sep 20 #56
msdogi Sep 20 #57
lunasun Sep 20 #58
Habibi Sep 20 #59
csziggy Sep 20 #60
CanonRay Sep 20 #62
TreasonousBastard Sep 20 #63
Lonestarblue Sep 20 #64
mwooldri Sep 20 #65
catbyte Sep 20 #66
LakeArenal Sep 20 #67
panader0 Sep 20 #68
The Polack MSgt Sep 20 #69
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cate94 Sep 20 #73
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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:20 PM

1. ...



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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:22 PM

2. We don't know each other but

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:23 PM

3. ((Soph))

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:25 PM

4. Love to you...I woulda kept them...

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Response to Eliot Rosewater (Reply #4)

Mon Sep 21, 2020, 02:05 PM

86. Me too

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:25 PM

5. You are not a pest, and you deserve all the love you need! nt

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:26 PM

6. Oh, dear, it's a tough journey you're on, I feel for you

I wonder, were he sitting at your bedside right now (which well he may be), what words hed have for you?

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Response to soothsayer (Reply #6)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:39 PM

17. I know exactly what he would he say

Buck up, what are the tears for? You loved me but I am not here so chin up, although secretly pleased at the fact I am grieving because it reinforces my love for him.

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Response to Soph0571 (Reply #17)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:47 PM

50. The Tears Have Value

If you don't give yourself time to grieve, it will still find a way to get out and that might be less helpful.

We care for you here on DU and wish you healing.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:26 PM

7. Hang in there

Nothing lasts forever, including you and me. Can you phone someone for a nice long chat? That's my advice.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:26 PM

8. Ask for what you need and speak up when we'll meaning (or not) people

try and tell you what to do or how to feel or when to feel it, just exactly as you did!

I can on barely imagine what you are going through. How good of you to think about his meds and that they might do someone else some good 💕

I am thinking of you and sending love and kindness to surround you.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:27 PM

9. OMIGOD, my dear Soph, you will NEVER be a pest! NEVER.

It is way too soon for any new plans.

You need to take care of yourself the best way it seems to be. Whatever it seems to be. This is a very fresh wound and it will take a lot of time to get past it.

I wish I were there! I would never avoid you. I hold you in my heart.

PS That was very cool and brave of you, returning all his meds to the NHS.

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Response to CaliforniaPeggy (Reply #9)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:45 PM

23. I am lost right now

But i will find my way. No other option, right? Just need a love bomb rather than a plan bomb....

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Response to Soph0571 (Reply #23)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:18 PM

42. NO question that you will find your way, dear Soph.

A long time ago, I had a loss that threatened me, though it was not as big as yours. Anyway, I found this article and it helped me a whole lot.

It may be too soon for you to read, but I hope you will, sometime. It gave me a lifeline.

Grief is hard to experience. And everyone does it differently. The process of getting through it is more growing a scab over the wound than it is healing it. You get used to the loss, strange as that sounds now. It will always be part of you. The deeper the love, the deeper the grief. I read that somewhere and I think it's true.

Anyway, here's the link to the article:

https://www.tickld.com/heartwarming/1848120/old-man-explains-death-and-life-to-grieving-young-man

I hope it will help.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:27 PM

10. You could never be a pest.

I'm guessing your friend has been lucky enough to have not gone through the kind of grief you are experiencing. If she had lost someone she dearly loved, she would know that a week is a blink of an eye, that you are still trying to figure out how to get out of bed and swallow food, not plotting out your new plan.

I'm sure she is well-meaning; she just doesn't have the experience to know how to help you through this. Someday she probably will. In the meantime, lean on your DU family as often and as hard as you need to.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:27 PM

11. You are not a pest and you have our love.

The hollow time after a loss like this is very hard. I call it the "hollow time" because suddenly, after being in intense moment to moment demand for care, suddenly there seems like there is nothing to do.

It will never go away, but what happens is that you learn to live with it.

Be well.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:34 PM

12. I lost my husband 2 years ago...

I know hes fine - I know Im fine with letting him go, but talking to other people? Still so hard. I find Id rather be around people who dont know because they dont think they have to fix me. Its an adjustment in daily life that you cant anticipate what is going to get to you and what wont. Im so very sorry for your loss.

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Response to lisa58 (Reply #12)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 08:17 PM

61. Sorry to hear about your loss, you sound like you have handled it with wisdom

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:35 PM

13. I'm glad you told your friend to STFU. Now is a time to listen and give support.

Although I'm sure it was well meaning, as clumsy as it was.

That meds thing, though... that would never fly here.

Take care, and let yourself grieve the way you need to grieve.

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Response to demmiblue (Reply #13)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:49 PM

26. I think the meds thing is brillaint

Though i suppose if you have had to sell a kidney to get the meds maybe not so much! Himself got his meds for free because he had diabetes, and even if he had paid for them (at the NHS price) what was i going to do with them? Better they go back into the system.

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Response to Soph0571 (Reply #26)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:59 PM

30. It is the fear of contamination/tampering.

Unopened, with a seal, totally brilliant!

Heck, there are items from the grocery store here that have to be automatically trashed even if they are unopened upon return (and not even perishables).

Take care, and know we have your back!

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:36 PM

14. Make no major decisions for a year.

This is the only real help I can give you other than an open ear and open heart. You are welcome to both.



-Laelth

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:36 PM

15. You're not being a pest.

It's only been a week and you aren't ready for new plans. Your friend means well but probably has never been in your situation. Don't plan, just be.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:38 PM

16. This is why we are here Soph, to provide community support and a safe place to rant.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:41 PM

18. The death of a loved one is possibly the hardest thing we can endure

everybody grieves differently.

Do what you need to do and we will remain here for you.

I want to thank you for telling us about him. Sounded like a great guy.

What did Biden once say - something like soon the smile will come to your face before the tears when you think about him.

Until then, {{{{{ Soph }}}}}

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:41 PM

19. ...

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:42 PM

20. Sending you a big hug, Soph.

It's going to take a whole lot of time, but we're all here. We'll be here.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:43 PM

21. Here you go:

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:44 PM

22. ...

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:46 PM

24. Oh Soph! My heart is breaking for you.

These are some difficult times and truth be told, all of our words, all of our prayers will not be able to take away the hurt that you are feeling.

So, yell, scream, drink, do whatever you want to do. And if a "friend" is talking inappropriately, you have all the right to tell them to shut the fck up.

Your next steps? They will be whatever you want them to be. Right now take time to grieve. And please know that you have a lot of friends and support here!

Sending BIG HUGS and STRENGTH.


P.S. Pest away!

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Response to Callalily (Reply #24)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:03 PM

35. I am really cross at him

He left me. Just fucking rude. He was my heart and I was his. We had our own special bubble for a decade, and I will be fine, of course I will. But tonight, I am in last week, where being fine is not an option.

I spoke to my ex - 14 years together a long time ago - the day Jj died and apart my twin and Jj, he knows my peculiarities and eccentricities better than anyone on planet, and he sobbed for me, because he knew how hard a war child would find it too grieve honestly and properly. Which is why I come here and post. I can express my feelings in a way I cannot real world. I am conditioned IRL by being a child of the troubles where emotion was a weakness.

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Response to Soph0571 (Reply #35)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:55 PM

52. Emotion is not a weakness, Soph. Expressing them is a way to honor yourself

You are well loved here, {{{Soph!}}}

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:47 PM

25. You're better than me...

-

I would've kept the meds!

(((HUGS)))
===========

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Response to AmyStrange (Reply #25)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:05 PM

36. Sooooo tempted

But there are actual people who need them more than a hypothetical me in the future, when I could just pay 9 for a prescription.

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Response to Soph0571 (Reply #36)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:14 PM

41. I hate you!

-

You are so much better than me, that I almost want to start crying.

You'll survive, girl, because you've got what it takes!
==========

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:53 PM

27. You know, I'm glad you're here. I'm very, very sorry for your loss, but

you should know that a lot of people on here read your posts and are touched in some way, even inspired, by them. So, don't you be going away, and don't stop posting here!

As to your partner, may he have eternal rest in perpetual light. In the meantime, we will keep supporting each other and fighting the good fight.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:55 PM

28. I read the replies and they're good...just wanted to underline that you're not a pest, never

Gonna happen! Would it help to, in time, move? Don't rush anything!

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Response to Karadeniz (Reply #28)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:11 PM

37. Moving is not going to happen

He moved to me when we met, I am mortgage free in central London. Selling up would seem like a great plan normally, I have great equity in the flat, but the market is doing strange things and I might have memories all around, but economic mismanagement of my future, will beat the memories every single time and that is exactly what Jj would expect from me.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 06:57 PM

29. I'm so sorry.

Sending wishes for healing and comfort your way.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:00 PM

31. Hug

Grief knows only its own way, not others.

You have been much loved. Hold onto
that.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:00 PM

32. all things pass

have patience with yourself and add a little love-hug from me. Peace

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:01 PM

33. I am so sorry about your "well meaning" friend's profound lack of sensitivity.

You just wrote two coherent paragraphs describing your feelings after losing your life partner. That is amazing and no one should expect you to accomplish more just one week past his death. Certainly not to make any plans, beyond what you might eat for dinner.

Hang in there. We care.

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Response to pnwmom (Reply #33)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 10:03 PM

80. +1000 nt

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Response to pnwmom (Reply #33)

Mon Sep 21, 2020, 05:52 PM

87. Today was rough

I stayed in bed until noon, which has not happened since I was a teen. I cannot get the image of his dying out of my head. It does not help that I don't have a job. Once he got his diagnosis that was it on the job front. He was the only thing that matter. Thing is (although I say so myself) I have a very big brain that needs occupying. So I am drumming my heels as a new lockdown looms and my admittedly eccentric big brain goes into overdrive. I need more interaction with the human race, but I am not ready to go out there an network for a new job right now. Tis a conundrum.

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Response to Soph0571 (Reply #87)

Mon Sep 21, 2020, 05:58 PM

88. You will know when you are ready to use those abilities. But it's only been a week,

so of course you're grieving -- and not just emotionally. In my experience, grief is also physical.

So all I can advise is to let yourself cry. And cry. And cry.

Over the weeks and months the grief will be less devastating, and somewhere along the way you'll figure out what you want to do with yourself now.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:01 PM

34. I know parents

Arent the same as a life partner but i lost my mom last year and im still grieving my dad we lost in 2000.
Love and memory is all thats left to us in the end.😪

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:12 PM

38. Giant Hugs for you

And a nuclear Love Bomb !!! Boom!

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:12 PM

39. You are wonderful and loved.

I have enjoyed reading your posts. I'm so sorry for your loss.

We had some Vicadin(I think? Percoset?) in the house for pain. My wife got it for her back in 2008 and she just took it very rarely for ten years. When the back flared up she'd take one or two and be fine till the next time. Her original Rx was 60 or so pills. Way too many for the month they were supposed to last. I'm not saying what you should do. I had no idea they got recycled. That's cool.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:14 PM

40. We all heal the way we heal

and for someone to tell you what to do is really not helpful. I am sure they meant well but it is wayyy too soon for you to have to deal with that. You may need to let people know what you need so this does not happen. That may help you to feel some actual control you might feel like you have lost. Whatever works for you, this is never easy and I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Many hugs and good thoughts go out to you. You know we all love you here. There is no way you could ever be a pest.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:19 PM

43. Soph, DU is a family.

It doesn't matter where we live. It doesn't matter if we have met in person or not. We are all family here. You are not being a pest. You are a family member who needs support and comfort.

I am so glad you told your well-meaning friend to shut up. I wrote this in a previous post to you, but you may not have read it through your tears. There is no wrong way or right way to go through this. There is only your way, and whatever works for you.

If you sit and cry 24/7, then that's what you need to do.
If you decide you need to keep busy and keep your mind off of it, then that's what you need to do.

Whatever you are doing in any current moment, is what you need to do.

You are going to experience a lot of measurements in time. You just hit the first one. A week ago today you were with him. They will become markers in your life. And at first you will remember every single minute.

Time does help us to heal. But the problem is we actually have to go through it to get to the other side.
And it takes however long it takes. There is no timetable. There is no schedule. There is no plan.

There is you, and your feelings, and your love for this man. That love will always be there. Hold on to that right now, and be kind to your soul. Give yourself permission to feel and do whatever it is you need, to get through the next minute, the next hour, the next day.

And ALWAYS reach out to us. The great thing about DU is that the lights are always on and people are always here.

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Response to Dem2theMax (Reply #43)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:31 PM

44. + 1

I wish I could be with you to listen to you.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:32 PM

45. When people ask me what it was like after my wife died, I tell them...

...it was a very bad time but it was filled with very good people. May it be so for you.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:33 PM

46. A hopeful hug.

My advice is all of the above, and because you're not alone.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:38 PM

47. You have been through trauma. I am so sorry. Take it one miunte at a time. That is all we have. XXOO

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:39 PM

48. I wish I had some words of wisdom

But I dont, so heres a hug instead....



Re that friend of yours .... gosh people can be such inconsiderate jerks sometimes ....

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:43 PM

49. You are not a pest, Soph... you're doing exactly the best thing you can... connecting. n/t

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:53 PM

51. Oh Soph, I weep for you and with you.

I was privileged to say the last words my sister would hear before she crossed. They were the same ones you shared with your love; it's time to let go. I was 400 miles away, speaking over the phone. The hospice nurse placed the phone next to her ear for our last conversation. All I heard were sighs and whimpers as I told her goodbye and to simply let go, it was time. My brothers who were with her told me that she simply calmed down, her breathing eased and minutes later she slipped away quietly.

And ya' know what? That knowledge and and $6 will get you a coffee at Starbucks. Right now there is no comfort to be had. It will come. You will someday remember and feel a warmth in your heart. But right now know that we, your virtual family, is here for you. We listen. We hear you. We share your pain and hurt. We weep with you.




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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:56 PM

53. (((((((((Soph))))))))) sending you lots of hugs, and vibes for healing and strength. And for

patience in dealing with well-meaning (one hopes!) people who actually think they are helping. I hope you don't encounter too many of that type, they are quite exhausting. A friend and I have been having this conversation as she undergoes treatment for cancer. Most people, however well-meaning, simply do not know how to talk to someone who is ill, or has lost a loved one.

One thing that sometimes shocks the one left behind are surprising moments of anger or rage at the one who died. It is a perfectly normal reaction, so please do not feel bad about it.

I cannot imagine how awful tomorrow will be for you, but just know that you can hang on tight to your DU family. We are all here for you.

And I am glad to hear about the meds. We have clinics here that will take those meds as well as equipment.

Do whatever you need to do, just remember to be kind and gentle to yourself.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 07:59 PM

54. (((((((Hugs))))))

Sending good vibes

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 08:01 PM

55. You sound a little better. I'm so glad.

Best wishes as always.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 08:05 PM

56. Hi Soph❤️

When I am sad, I like to go on YouTube and listen and watch some of my favorite songs. You search for one and all these other suggestions come up and you watch those. Pretty soon, time has passed and I feel a little better❤️❤️❤️😘Sending love your way.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 08:09 PM

57. been where you are

just a year ago. Be as sad as you need to be, and angry and frustrated and all the gamut of emotions. For me, it was mostly sad.
Lean on friends, family, counselors if that is available. Be very kind to yourself.
It does get easier with time. Hugs to you

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 08:10 PM

58. He is still there just recently gone sadness surely prevails over everything in the flat


I hope you can rest tonite with comforting thoughts of what you both had together and how he will be waked and put to rest which will be hard to think of with out sorrow
Stay away from those pesky life planner type people right now and for awhile
A friends husband was kiled by a drunk driver . A couple of people were trying to talk to her about what would be her plans and had suggestions while she was basically still in shock about what happened . Although no surprise, I am sure you are still in some state of shock too And covid on top of it all I am so sorry
Condolences

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 08:15 PM

59. Holding you in my thoughts and my heart, Soph.

NEVER worry about "being a pest" here. We love you and are with you in your pain and grief.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 08:17 PM

60. Grieve in your own way and heal at your own pace

Some of my friends have been widowed and each dealt with their loss in different ways. One immediately got rid of everything that belonged to her SO, the other still, fifteen years later, has his voice on her answer machine as well as all his clothes still in the closet. Another has done a little of each, but kept the things that meant the most to him, while giving other items to their daughter and friends.

Each person has to take it in their own time. You will find your way though it may not seem like it right now.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 08:29 PM

62. Hugs, hugs, hugs

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 08:32 PM

63. You are not a pest. I know you know that, but feel somehow obliged to apologize for it anyway.

It's one of those odd things that make you a decent human.

This friend of yours with the big mouth was being a pest, but I would hope that there's more to your friendship that you'll get over this glitch. I suppose she thought she was helping, but sometimes the best way to help is just being there in silent support.

It won't be easy, but you will find a way to go on. My father died when I was in high school, and my mother eventually remarried, only to outlive her second husband. Both times she went through several stages of grief (but not all of them!) but saw her future as an adventure and opportunity to make the best of.

A friend of mine recently died and his wife is going through her own grief. She talks of many things when she talks about it at all. And we listen.



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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 08:37 PM

64. We all need to grieve when we lose a loved one, and we all do it in different ways.

Grieve in the way you need, and know that the DU community will always be here to support you. We are an online community, but the good wishes and the concern for you are just as real as an in-person community. Sending virtual hugs.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 08:39 PM

65. Hugs from this "delivery boy"...

Practice some self care, sounds like you need it. But IMO of course.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 08:40 PM

66. I've been there. Twice. I know something of what you're feeling.

The first time was on December 17, 2014 when my husband of 30 years passed away. He had been in a nursing home for almost 3 years due to vascular dementia caused by having Type I Diabetes for about 55 years and it caught up with him. His short-term memory was shot but he was always himself. He passed in his sleep from a heart attack.

Then I reconnected with my college boyfriend in 2015 who lost his wife of 34 years to ALS. We clicked and had a wonderful 3.5 years until he died very suddenly on April 28, 2019, from hyperkalemia, a build-up of potassium in his body which caused heart failure. It was maddening because it was a completely treatable condition but I could never get him to go in for a checkup because he "felt fine."

I can't tell you it'll get better in the near future because it might not. Grief has its own timetable so don't let people lay a guilt trip on you if it takes time. It's YOUR grief. If you need someone to "talk" to who's been there, please don't hesitate to DM me. I'm so sorry.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 08:45 PM

67. I read something I liked:

When you look up to the stars, imagine they are loved ones passed looking over you. Reassuring you that they are fine but they will always be watching.

Hope you reach the point where you can celebrate his life while mourning his passing.

Take care.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 08:46 PM

68. Hang in there DU sister. Everyone here is with you.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 08:48 PM

69. I'm so sorry for your loss.

My thoughts go out to you.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 08:49 PM

70. No worries, friend

Not a bother at all. You have just been through your greatest loss. If I could give you a loving hug right now I would. Grieve in your own way, in your own time. Grief goes on forever, but eventually the sharp jags of pain are polished down with time to hurt us less. You can do this. Best wishes, be well. 🥰

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 08:55 PM

71. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.

You need to do what you need to do to heal and you need to do it your way. You can be that chick. On posts like this I try not to read what is before me because it is of such a personal nature but I do catch some here and there. From those that I do catch I can safely say that there are lots of people here on DU who care about you deeply.

Come here, be that chick. Whatever you need. Cry on our shoulders ... yell, scream, cuss, we are here for you.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 09:07 PM

72. Sending tons of love

Wish I was in the U.K. Id planned to be there this fall.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 09:13 PM

73. So sorry for the pain.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 09:16 PM

74. I hope we can help lift your heart and ease your burden

Nobody else is going through this...no one else had this relationship. No one else walks your particular path, so no one can tell you how you should do this. But I know all of us here feel compassion for your struggle and pain. I hope there is some balm of comfort here and in your other relationships. If I could hug you, I would, Miss Soph.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 09:16 PM

75. Oh, my dear, I am sending you hugs.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 09:17 PM

76. Whether a loss is anticipated, as your loss...

...was, or sudden, as mine was when my 23 yr old brother died in a scuba venture that went awry, your sense of time gets all screwed up. The heart-rending event feels like it happened 10 seconds ago and forever ago, all at the same time. Id find myself thinking, 36 hours ago, he was still alive, and then, 4 weeks ago, he was still alive, and on and on. Id think of things Id want to tell him, and be taken aback when Id realize, yet again, that I could no longer do that.

Many above have so correctly stated that grief has no timetable, and there is no right was to go thru it. So true. I expect your friend had good intentions but didnt know how to go about it. People are uncomfortable around the grief of others and wish they could make it go away, and that leads to clumsy actions.

For those of us not as familiar as some with your man, maybe you'd be willing to tell us about him sometime. He sounds like he was quite something.

Virtual hug coming your way.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 09:24 PM

77. My husband died 1332 days ago

Do what you need to until you can cope with your loss.

I accept that some things are unacceptable and that actually helps me live with the cosmic unfairness.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 09:57 PM

78. Sending you love and peace...

Be thankful you had someone to love so much...so many people never have that experience. I cannot imagine your pain. You have hundreds of people here loving you and supporting you.❤

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 10:03 PM

79. I have not read the thread yet, but you must know that your grief will go on for a few years....

at least a few years, if not more. It depends on individual factors, of course.

He only died last week. You are very deep in your grief. Allow yourself to grieve, and don't let anyone hurry you up or shut you up. You might want to go to counseling to really talk about it, because many do not wish to talk about grief after so many weeks.

All the best to you, hugs.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 10:26 PM

81. Dear Soph, just sound out anytime and often,

a loss of a loved one is devastating to the core, to the cell, it triggers a void. There are so many here on this board, probably all of us here, have lost someone or more than one and we know. I know, and now you are going through something so intense, its hard to express or put words out.

I am so sorry, please reach out often. I will certainly check in to send you best thoughts...

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 10:47 PM

82. You will always miss him, the pain & loss will always be in your heart



But some day eventually, the happy memories will exceed your sadness. Everyone grieves in their own way, at their own speed. So don't let anyone else tell you how to grieve.

All the best to you Soph!


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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Sun Sep 20, 2020, 11:01 PM

83. Come here: ((((hug))))

Time moves oddly after we lose one we adore... part of us stays in the past for the comfort of the feeling. Thats ok to do. You move and be in your own natural pace with it. Your 10 year bubble will always be a great treasure in your pocket. ❤️

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Mon Sep 21, 2020, 12:01 PM

84. Virtual hugs from across the pond...

My daughter and I were in London 2 years ago for a British Summertime Concert in Hyde Park...ended up Wimbledon, Pride Parade, and the Brits winning the semi-final World Cup all happened while we were in your beautiful city! What a time we had watching football with the locals in a small pub near Hyde Park! Everyone made us feel welcome, and we made new friends were still in contact with...

There are no profound words I can give you other than, there is no time limit on grief...take each day, an hour, a minute, or a second at a time and know there people who love you and are here for you.

And next time Im in London-town well do high tea together!


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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Mon Sep 21, 2020, 12:39 PM

85. You take all the time you need.

One week? Let's get real. The amount of time you hurt will be proportional to the severity of the loss. I'd be astonished if you had another topic of conversation right now, with the loss still fresh and all the weight that is on you. Astonished, and a bit worried: that kind of sublimation isn't healthy.

Life, or a reasonable facsimile, will continue to go on. Some engagement will be impossible to avoid, but anyone who thinks you should have your new plan of life all ready to go and your emotions all tucked away where they won't "bother" anyone else knows little of human nature, and understands less. Feel free to punch them in the nose.

While most of the adjustments will be internal (loss of a loved one is always a test of one's spiritual balance), one should never feel a "pest" or "burden" when some of the adjustments spill onto other people. Most of us are going through similar processes, or have gone through similar processes, or will go through similar processes, again and again. More strength in coping is found by sharing than by sealing off, and oddly enough, at some point helping someone else with her grief can help one with her own.

Finally, consider that a failure to grieve is really a disservice to the departed. Did he mean so little to you that his loss could be shrugged off all in an instant? If so, he must not have meant much to you. I'd say you owe it to his memory to mourn him fully and freely, and if you have acquaintances who can't deal with that, the loss is theirs. Death is part of life, and should be embraced as seriously as the fun times. Perhaps more, for it is in the showing of compassion that we display our humanity best.

-- Mal

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Mon Sep 21, 2020, 06:02 PM

89. Grieving is normal

Sorry your friend couldn't offer her support. I wish I could offer more but this is such a terrible time and my heart hurts for you. Keep your head up and anyone who tries to shut down your grief is not your friend.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Mon Sep 21, 2020, 06:34 PM

90. Your friend may be well meaning (you're the best judge of that),

but SHEESH! GeneralLy they wait until after the funeral (still way too soon, even delayed as this one will be) to start with that - stuff.

I blame Helen Steiner Rice for a lot of it. When someone tries to tell me not to weep for them when they are gone, I flat tell them, that is not their decision but mine. That's not being loving or setting peole free, it's being iobsessively controlling. You need to handle your own grief in the way, and in the timeline, that is best for you. (End of rant.)

And I am not the first to say this here, but YOU. ARE. NOT. A. PEST.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Mon Sep 21, 2020, 08:47 PM

91. You must miss him so much.

Loss, it seems, must be borne and what I found out during grief for a beloved one was that it had to take its own time. I wrote about her. I kept a daily diary about it, how I felt each day after, but always the pain. The hole in my heart. I truly thought that it would never go away.

Now, 10 years after, a wonderful thing has happened. My grandchild, born a biological male, has told his mother, my daughter, that he wishes to transition to a female and he wants to take our beloved lost one (her great aunt) NAME! It is not a common name. It is old fashioned. It is lovely. And I know my beloved lost one, my sister in law, whom I mourned and mourned and mourned, will now live in spirit within my grandchild.

Thank you for reminding us of our common humanity: we mourn our losses of fellow human beings whom we love.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Mon Sep 21, 2020, 10:17 PM

92. There are several ears here when you need a friendly ear to talk to.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Tue Sep 22, 2020, 02:21 PM

93. Take your own good time, Soph

I'm so very, very sorry, Soph. My heart hurts for you.

Your friend needs to step back and understand that everyone mourns in their own way, in their own time. You'll make plans when you're ready to make plans. In the meantime, do what you need to do to for yourself, whatever it may be. You have a right to it.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Tue Sep 22, 2020, 03:00 PM

94. You do you!

We'll be here to listen.

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Response to Soph0571 (Original post)

Wed Sep 23, 2020, 12:25 AM

95. {{{soph}}}

i wish i could somehow take away just a bit of your pain

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