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Thu Oct 31, 2019, 09:22 PM

Do you have a favorite "lawyer" joke?

Q) - What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

A) - The rooster clucks defiant"

48 replies, 678 views

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Arrow 48 replies Author Time Post
Reply Do you have a favorite "lawyer" joke? (Original post)
red dog 1 Oct 31 OP
cilla4progress Oct 31 #1
Beakybird Oct 31 #3
cilla4progress Oct 31 #6
Beakybird Oct 31 #2
Lochloosa Oct 31 #4
Skittles Oct 31 #5
AdamThePhantump Nov 3 #28
IggleDuer Oct 31 #7
customerserviceguy Oct 31 #8
spooky3 Oct 31 #9
fierywoman Oct 31 #10
Bayard Oct 31 #11
fierywoman Oct 31 #14
DBoon Oct 31 #12
LNM Nov 4 #34
lastlib Oct 31 #13
Zambero Nov 1 #15
MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 1 #18
DFW Nov 1 #16
Collimator Nov 1 #20
DFW Nov 1 #22
edbermac Nov 1 #17
MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 1 #19
Doc_Technical Nov 1 #21
DiverDave Nov 2 #23
red dog 1 Nov 3 #24
Marthe48 Nov 3 #25
brewens Nov 3 #26
LakeArenal Nov 3 #27
katusha Nov 3 #29
Liberty Belle Nov 3 #30
Haggis for Breakfast Nov 3 #31
yuiyoshida Nov 4 #32
Shrek Nov 4 #33
MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 5 #35
red dog 1 Wednesday #36
MatthewHatesTrump2 Wednesday #37
red dog 1 Thursday #38
MatthewHatesTrump2 Thursday #39
GumboYaYa Thursday #40
JonLP24 Thursday #41
MatthewHatesTrump2 Friday #42
red dog 1 Saturday #43
SKKY Saturday #44
red dog 1 Sunday #45
MatthewHatesTrump2 Yesterday #46
red dog 1 20 hrs ago #47
47of74 18 hrs ago #48

Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Oct 31, 2019, 09:26 PM

1. Took me a minute.

Good one!

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Response to cilla4progress (Reply #1)

Thu Oct 31, 2019, 09:32 PM

3. I don't get it. Feeling dumb!

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Response to Beakybird (Reply #3)

Thu Oct 31, 2019, 09:41 PM

6. Fux

Da client

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Oct 31, 2019, 09:31 PM

2. My bro told me this one, just a tad off color.

An attractive man meets a voluptuous woman in a bar.
He says, "What's happening?"
She says, "I want to screw someone. I love to screw all day and all night."
He says, "Wow! I'm a lawyer too! Here's my card."

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Oct 31, 2019, 09:34 PM

4. What do you have with a lawyer buried to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Oct 31, 2019, 09:34 PM

5. old classic

difference between a carp and a lawyer

one is a scum-sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish

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Response to Skittles (Reply #5)

Sun Nov 3, 2019, 10:45 PM

28. No actually

Both are fish. One just likes to scrape his dick on coral all day.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Oct 31, 2019, 09:44 PM

7. What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

- A Doberman.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Oct 31, 2019, 10:21 PM

8. Do you know what happens when you give a lawyer Viagra?

He gets taller.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Oct 31, 2019, 10:30 PM

9. ha! Fresh out of lawyer jokes, but an accountant told me this one:

Q: How can you tell the difference between an extraverted accountant, and an introverted accountant?

A: When s/he talks to you, the extravert looks at YOUR shoes.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Oct 31, 2019, 10:40 PM

10. A lawyer, a priest and a rabbi are stranded on an island within swimming

distance from the mainland. The problem is, the water is full of sharks.
The priest volunteers to swim to the mainland for help, but he is eaten by the sharks.
Same with the rabbi.
Finally the lawyer starts swimming and arrives at the mainland.
Someone who had observed all this asked him, "How come the sharks let you through unharmed?"
"Professional courtesy," the lawyer answered.

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Response to fierywoman (Reply #10)

Thu Oct 31, 2019, 10:57 PM

11. Like that one!

All I have is the old, what do you call 1,000 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the sea?

A good start.

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Response to Bayard (Reply #11)

Thu Oct 31, 2019, 11:30 PM

14. I once told this joke to one of O J Simpson's second round of lawyers

(the civil case?) (I was cooking for a dinner for him and his friends) ... he really wasn't amused.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Oct 31, 2019, 10:59 PM

12. A Rabbi, Hindu Priest, and a lawyer are stranded outside a farm

The Rabbi offers to seek shelter first. Time passes. There is a knock on the car door. It is the Rabbi. He says, "There are pigs in the barn. I cannot sleep there."

The Hindu then offers to sleep in the barn. Time Passes. There is a knock on the car door. It is the Hindu. He says, "There are cows in the barn. Cows are sacred. I cannot sleep there."

The lawyer then offers to sleep in the barn. Times passes. There is a knock on the car door. It is a pig and a cow....

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Response to DBoon (Reply #12)

Mon Nov 4, 2019, 05:19 PM

34. Good one! nt

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Oct 31, 2019, 11:02 PM

13. Good news/Bad news!

Bad news first: Stock market crashed, Wall Street saw 600 people jumping out of their windows!
Good news! Five hundred fifty of them were lawyers!

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Fri Nov 1, 2019, 01:04 AM

15. A guy in a bar shouts "All lawyers are assholes!"

Another guy at the next table says "I really resent that remark!".
The shouter asks: "Oh, I suppose you're a lawyer then?"
The other guy says: "No, I'm an asshole!"

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Response to Zambero (Reply #15)

Fri Nov 1, 2019, 06:08 PM

18. Good one!

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Fri Nov 1, 2019, 04:35 AM

16. An old one

A man dies, goes to heaven, and St. Peter shows him around.

There are huge apartment complexes. The man asks who they are for. St. Peter explains: "This is where the doctors are." A few miles on is another immense apartment complex, "this one is for the educators." A few miles further: "This is where the scholars are." A few miles further on is a wonderful immaculate single mansion with an immaculate garden and swimming pool.

"Who is that for?" asks the new arrival. "That is a lawyer." The man asks, "how come he gets his own place?" St. Peter replies, "he's the only one we've ever had."

I really shouldn't be involved on this thread. My younger daughter is an attorney, and the youngest person ever to make partner in her international law firm (at age 31).

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Response to DFW (Reply #16)

Fri Nov 1, 2019, 08:34 PM

20. Variation on a theme.

Engineer dies and gets sent to Hell. Guy likes to keep busy and use his skills around the place. Sets hell up with air conditioning, a pool, all sorts of amenities.

God gets word of the upgrades going on down below and gives Satan a call.

God: "I've changed my mind; send the engineer up my way."

Satan: "Nothing doing. You sent him down; he stays."

God: [stammering] "Well, if you don't send him back. . . I'll--I'll SUE you!"

Satan: [chuckling] "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

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Response to Collimator (Reply #20)

Fri Nov 1, 2019, 09:42 PM

22. Good variation.

Too bad I don't dare send it to my daughter!

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Fri Nov 1, 2019, 08:40 AM

17. Rudy Giuliani

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Response to edbermac (Reply #17)

Fri Nov 1, 2019, 06:10 PM

19. That's downright spooky!

(So is he)

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Fri Nov 1, 2019, 09:24 PM

21. A woman was walking through a cemetery

and she noticed the epitaph on a gravestone which read,
"Here lies a Lawyer and an Honest Man"
and the woman cried out, "Faith and Begorrah,
they've buried two men in one grave!"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sat Nov 2, 2019, 07:19 PM

23. California has the most

Lawyers, New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites.
Why is that? New Jersey got to pick first.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sun Nov 3, 2019, 08:58 PM

24. Q - "How does a lawyer sleep?"

A - "First he lies on one side, and then the other"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sun Nov 3, 2019, 10:26 PM

25. here's mine

A guy goes into an antique shop in San Francisco. He notices a medallion marked not for sale and really wants it. The antique dealer tries to talk the guy out of buying it, but the guy offers him $10,000.00, which the dealer can't turn down.

So the guy is walking down the street toward the Bay. He stops at a light and notices a rat behind him on the sidewalk. He doesn't think much of it, and walks on. At the next light, he notices several rats behind him. He feels a little nervous. When he gets to another light, he looks back and there must be a 100 rats behind him. He walks toward a dock and more and more rats are behind him, getting closer and closer. He realizes it must be something to do with the medallion and he frantically pulls it out of his pocket and throws it into the Bay. Hundreds of rats race off the dock into the water. The guy returns to the shop.

The shopkeeper greets him and says, 'I bet you ended up with a bunch of rats chasing you. And you want to return the medallion and get your money back.'

And the guy says, 'No. I want to know if you have a medallion for lawyers!'

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sun Nov 3, 2019, 10:40 PM

26. Washington State University recently began using lawyers instead of rats in their lab

experiments. The reasons being, lawyers are more easily obtained than rats, you won't become quite so attached to a lawyer as you would a rat, and there are some things rats just will not do.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sun Nov 3, 2019, 10:44 PM

27. Weren't the Marx Bros lawyers

Dewey, Cheetam and Howe?

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sun Nov 3, 2019, 10:59 PM

29. not quite a joke, but the simpsons


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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sun Nov 3, 2019, 11:06 PM

30. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road & a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sun Nov 3, 2019, 11:15 PM

31. I have a couple . . .

Q - How many lawyers does it take to stop a speeding train ?
A - Never enough.

Q - What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 30 ?
A - A lawyer.
Q - What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 80 ?
A - Your honor.

Q - What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common ?
A - You always hear about them, but you never see one.

Q - What's the definition of mixed emotions ?
A - Watching your lawyer drive off a cliff in your Jaguar.

Q - How do you keep an attorney from drowning ?
A - Shoot him before he hits the water.

We have a paralegal in the family. She has hundreds of these.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Mon Nov 4, 2019, 02:46 AM

32. I was told this one.....

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
What?
A good start....

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Mon Nov 4, 2019, 02:44 PM

33. Suppose you're trapped in a room

With Hitler, a lawyer, and a rabid wolverine. You have a gun and two bullets. What do you do?
.
.
.
.
.
Shoot the lawyer twice.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Tue Nov 5, 2019, 02:51 PM

35. Two lawyers walk into a bar.....

(You complete it!)

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Nov 6, 2019, 01:40 PM

36. What's the difference between a lawyer and a steaming pile of horseshit?

Nothing, it was a trick question.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Nov 6, 2019, 04:51 PM

37. What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer riding a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Nov 7, 2019, 03:52 AM

38. What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Nov 7, 2019, 04:46 PM

39. What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Nov 7, 2019, 05:24 PM

40. Q. What is the difference between a porcupine and a BMW filled with lawyers?

A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Nov 7, 2019, 06:17 PM

41. What do you call a lawyer who represents himself as a client?

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Fri Nov 8, 2019, 03:08 PM

42. What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag on for several years.
A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sat Nov 9, 2019, 07:33 PM

43. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Profession courtesy.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sat Nov 9, 2019, 07:52 PM

44. Why do lawyers wear neckties??

Keeps the foreskin from rolling up over their heads.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sun Nov 10, 2019, 11:48 AM

45. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Tue Nov 12, 2019, 03:16 PM

46. What do dinosaurs and lawyers have in common?

They're both extinct.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Tue Nov 12, 2019, 08:58 PM

47. What's the difference between a lawyer and a cowpie?

Nothing! (Another trick question)

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Tue Nov 12, 2019, 11:04 PM

48. Yeah wait another year and I'll be one.

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