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Wed Sep 18, 2019, 05:25 PM

Post the punch line of a joke and see if anyone knows what joke it's from without using Google

I'll start things off with this one:

"Whatever you do, don't sell that cow!"

185 replies, 2442 views

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Reply Post the punch line of a joke and see if anyone knows what joke it's from without using Google (Original post)
red dog 1 Sep 18 OP
50 Shades Of Blue Sep 18 #1
blockhead Sep 19 #44
50 Shades Of Blue Sep 19 #46
TheCowsCameHome Sep 18 #2
Harker Sep 18 #3
red dog 1 Sep 18 #8
Harker Sep 18 #11
applegrove Sep 19 #29
red dog 1 Sep 20 #70
tblue37 Sep 18 #4
OilemFirchen Sep 18 #5
Croney Sep 18 #6
NightWatcher Sep 18 #7
Brother Buzz Sep 18 #9
nolabear Sep 19 #24
Brother Buzz Sep 19 #26
mopinko Sep 18 #10
unblock Sep 18 #12
nolabear Sep 19 #25
pnwest Sep 28 #103
PJMcK Nov 1 #152
MatthewHatesTrump2 Friday #172
unblock Sep 18 #13
OilemFirchen Sep 18 #23
jayfish Sep 18 #14
TomSlick Sep 20 #81
jayfish Sep 23 #93
jayfish Sep 18 #15
Harker Sep 19 #40
jayfish Sep 19 #42
Harker Sep 19 #43
jmowreader Oct 9 #117
jayfish Oct 23 #142
First Speaker Sep 18 #16
JimGinPA Nov 2 #155
Doc_Technical Sep 18 #17
Doc_Technical Nov 1 #153
Doc_Technical Sep 18 #18
red dog 1 Sep 19 #47
Marthe48 Sep 19 #61
red dog 1 Sep 20 #71
Marthe48 Sep 20 #82
red dog 1 Sep 21 #86
jmowreader Oct 9 #118
TomSlick Sep 18 #19
OilemFirchen Sep 18 #22
TomSlick Sep 19 #51
Marthe48 Sep 19 #62
TomSlick Sep 19 #65
Marthe48 Sep 20 #66
TomSlick Sep 20 #77
Marthe48 Sep 20 #83
LompocDem Sep 18 #20
benld74 Sep 18 #21
PoindexterOglethorpe Sep 28 #101
benld74 Sep 29 #107
tonekat Oct 25 #144
emmaverybo Sep 19 #27
catrose Oct 12 #127
emmaverybo Oct 13 #128
trof Monday #179
emmaverybo Monday #184
applegrove Sep 19 #28
Captain Zero Sep 19 #30
red dog 1 Sep 19 #48
red dog 1 Sep 20 #69
Turbineguy Sep 19 #31
backtoblue Oct 12 #125
sorcrow Sep 19 #32
kozar Sep 19 #33
Harker Sep 19 #36
kozar Sep 19 #38
Harker Sep 19 #39
Harker Sep 19 #34
red dog 1 Sep 19 #49
Harker Sep 19 #54
red dog 1 Sep 20 #73
Paladin Sep 19 #35
Harker Sep 19 #37
DeeNice Sep 19 #41
DiverDave Sep 19 #45
Ron Obvious Sep 21 #87
red dog 1 Sep 19 #50
SaveOurDemocracy Sep 19 #52
WhiteTara Sep 19 #53
Harker Sep 19 #55
WhiteTara Sep 19 #56
Harker Sep 19 #57
WhiteTara Sep 19 #58
Harker Sep 19 #59
PoindexterOglethorpe Sep 28 #102
Harker Sep 28 #104
Harker Sep 19 #60
red dog 1 Sep 20 #75
Harker Sep 20 #80
Marthe48 Sep 19 #63
red dog 1 Sep 20 #72
Marthe48 Sep 20 #84
Marthe48 Sep 19 #64
ailsagirl Sep 20 #67
red dog 1 Sep 20 #68
red dog 1 Sep 20 #74
MatthewHatesTrump2 Oct 8 #115
discntnt_irny_srcsm Sep 20 #76
discntnt_irny_srcsm Sep 23 #94
Bongo Prophet Sep 20 #78
C_U_L8R Sep 20 #79
red dog 1 Sep 21 #85
Brother Buzz Sep 21 #88
red dog 1 Sep 22 #90
trof Monday #180
Harker Sep 21 #89
red dog 1 Sep 22 #91
red dog 1 Sep 22 #92
red dog 1 Sep 24 #95
Alpeduez21 Sep 24 #96
The Velveteen Ocelot Sep 24 #97
Doc_Technical Sep 25 #98
red dog 1 Sep 28 #99
red dog 1 Sep 28 #100
MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 5 #168
Bayard Sep 28 #105
trof Monday #181
lpbk2713 Sep 28 #106
red dog 1 Sep 29 #108
davsand Sep 30 #109
red dog 1 Sep 30 #110
red dog 1 Oct 1 #111
red dog 1 Oct 5 #112
MatthewHatesTrump2 Oct 8 #116
red dog 1 Oct 12 #123
MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 1 #151
red dog 1 Oct 6 #113
MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 1 #149
red dog 1 Oct 7 #114
Major Nikon Oct 9 #119
rzemanfl Monday #177
Disaffected Oct 9 #120
red dog 1 Oct 12 #121
Disaffected Oct 12 #124
red dog 1 Oct 13 #132
Disaffected Oct 13 #133
red dog 1 Oct 13 #134
red dog 1 Oct 12 #122
JimGinPA Nov 2 #154
red dog 1 Nov 2 #162
trof Monday #182
regnaD kciN Oct 12 #126
eppur_se_muova Oct 13 #130
musette_sf Oct 13 #129
red dog 1 Oct 13 #131
MatthewHatesTrump2 Oct 23 #141
red dog 1 Oct 14 #135
red dog 1 Oct 14 #136
red dog 1 Oct 15 #137
red dog 1 Oct 16 #138
red dog 1 Oct 19 #139
red dog 1 Oct 20 #140
MatthewHatesTrump2 Oct 25 #143
tonekat Oct 25 #145
red dog 1 Oct 26 #146
JimGinPA Nov 2 #160
red dog 1 Oct 30 #147
JimGinPA Nov 2 #156
red dog 1 Nov 2 #161
JimGinPA Nov 2 #164
red dog 1 Nov 3 #166
red dog 1 Oct 31 #148
MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 1 #150
MatthewHatesTrump2 Nov 5 #167
JimGinPA Nov 2 #157
JimGinPA Nov 2 #158
JimGinPA Nov 2 #159
red dog 1 Nov 2 #163
red dog 1 Nov 3 #165
MatthewHatesTrump2 Wednesday #169
red dog 1 Thursday #170
MatthewHatesTrump2 Thursday #171
red dog 1 Saturday #173
red dog 1 Sunday #174
lpbk2713 Monday #175
rzemanfl Monday #176
Permanut Monday #178
trof Monday #183
MatthewHatesTrump2 Yesterday #185

Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 05:27 PM

1. "Snowballs."

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Response to 50 Shades Of Blue (Reply #1)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 04:00 PM

44. What's the difference betwwen a snowman and a snowwoman?

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Response to blockhead (Reply #44)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 04:29 PM

46. ....

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 05:30 PM

2. Sorry, we're NFS.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 05:33 PM

3. "I didn't know you could yodel."

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Response to Harker (Reply #3)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 05:41 PM

8. I think that's from a Knock-Knock joke

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Yodel-lay-he"

"Yodel-lay-he who?"

"I didn't know you could yodel"

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #8)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 05:56 PM

11. Yer little old lady...

is the version that I heard about 55 years ago. Heh.

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Response to Harker (Reply #11)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 01:00 AM

29. "Little old lady" is what i heard growing up.

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Response to Harker (Reply #11)

Fri Sep 20, 2019, 06:48 PM

70. I think you're right....I think it was "little old lady"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 05:34 PM

4. Shut up, you! I'm a talking to your father! nt

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 05:35 PM

5. "Even the great Caruso had to clear his throat from time to time."

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 05:35 PM

6. "And you're gonna need it."

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)


Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 05:47 PM

9. ''That's all you do? Bird imitations?''

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Response to Brother Buzz (Reply #9)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 12:48 AM

24. Hawkeye! 😍

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Response to nolabear (Reply #24)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 12:50 AM

26. Yes!

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 05:48 PM

10. and he tapped his temple, and said- see, kidneys.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 06:28 PM

12. "The aristocrats!"

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Response to unblock (Reply #12)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 12:49 AM

25. I feel so dirty. 😂😂😂

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Response to unblock (Reply #12)

Sat Sep 28, 2019, 08:59 PM

103. Beat me to it!

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Response to unblock (Reply #12)

Fri Nov 1, 2019, 06:02 PM

152. You need Drew Carey's finger snaps! (n/t)

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Response to PJMcK (Reply #152)

Fri Nov 8, 2019, 03:12 PM

172. Or Gilbert Gottfried's Comedy Central's Roast of Hugh Hefner

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 06:29 PM

13. "No! I'm a frayed knot!"

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Response to unblock (Reply #13)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 11:24 PM

23. Hey!

Didn't I tell you we don't serve string?

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 06:33 PM

14. "...in the service, one must always choose the lesser or two weevils"

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Response to jayfish (Reply #14)

Fri Sep 20, 2019, 08:46 PM

81. Joke from Master and Commander

Lucky jack to his doctor friend upon seeing weevils in the hard tack. Lucky Jack asked the doctor to choose between the two. The doctor chose the slightly larger one.

Upon delivery of the punch line by Lucky Jack, the doctor said "He that would tell a pun would pick a pocket."

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Response to TomSlick (Reply #81)

Mon Sep 23, 2019, 11:23 AM

93. Nailed It!

Love that movie.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 06:48 PM

15. "Thanks. I've been feeling a little flat!"

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Response to jayfish (Reply #15)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 11:51 AM

40. What did the tire say

to the air pump?

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Response to Harker (Reply #40)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 01:53 PM

42. Nice try.

That was a pretty logical answer though. Did you come up with it yourself?

Hint: It's from an 80's comedy.

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Response to jayfish (Reply #42)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 03:30 PM

43. Thought I had it.

Yep, it came naturally.

Back to the drawing board.

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Response to jayfish (Reply #15)

Wed Oct 9, 2019, 10:42 PM

117. I think it was "do I look okay?"

I know it was the Newly Deceased office scene in Beetlejuice...one of the clerks was there because he’d been run over by a truck and squashed flat. He asked the Maitlands if he looked okay. She said he did, and got back Jayfish’s line.

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Response to jmowreader (Reply #117)

Wed Oct 23, 2019, 03:26 PM

142. Correct!

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 07:53 PM

16. "Don't believe a word that lying sheep says"

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Response to First Speaker (Reply #16)

Sat Nov 2, 2019, 03:54 AM

155. I Heard It About A Ventriloquist Visiting An Indian Reservation




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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 08:05 PM

17. Go ahead, they're your cows.

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Response to Doc_Technical (Reply #17)

Fri Nov 1, 2019, 09:39 PM

153. A man was showing his farm to a woman he had reciently met.

As they walked around the barn, they saw two cows mating.
The guy started raising his eyebrows and was grinning and he said,
"Boy. I'd sure would like to be doing that!"
And the woman replied,

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 08:07 PM

18. Yeah, except this one is eating my popcorn!

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Response to Doc_Technical (Reply #18)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 05:16 PM

47. From Men in Black?

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Response to Doc_Technical (Reply #18)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 06:53 PM

61. My Mom told me this one

when I was a teenager

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Response to Marthe48 (Reply #61)

Fri Sep 20, 2019, 06:54 PM

71. In one scene from "Men in Black" Tommy Lee Jones said those exact words and then laughed.

The scene was where he and Will Smith are at a restaurant together and Tommy Lee is filmed while apparently telling the end of the joke.
(Will Smith didn't laugh).

My guess is that it's an old joke.

Do you remember the entire joke?

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #71)

Fri Sep 20, 2019, 10:09 PM

82. Yes I think so

My Mom's version, kinda dusty: A man had just bought a goose and brought it with him to the theater. The usher said he couldn't bring the duck in, so the guy hid the duck under his coat and got in. The theater was dark and crowded. As he sat down next to two old ladies, the movie was coming on. The man loosened his coat so the goose could breathe. When the movie was over, he hurried out. The ladies were walking to their car and one of them said, "Harriett, have you ever seen a man's private parts?" And Harriett said, "Why yes, Mary, I have. Why?" "The man beside me loosened his clothes and it came out." "Oh my, Harriett! But surely you've seen a man's private parts. Why are you so upset?" "Because this one was eating my popcorn!"

AN updated version: A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck. The ticket agent looks at the man and then at the duck, which is on a leash. The ticket agent states that the duck is not permitted in the theatre. The man explains that the duck is his service pet. However, because he didn’t have his service pet certification on him, the duck wasn’t allowed in.

The man then goes to the side of the theatre and stuffs the duck down the front of his pants. With no duck to be seen, the ticket agent allows the man in. The theatre was packed and the man ends up sitting next to two old ladies.

About twenty minutes into the movie the duck was getting uncomfortable and hot so the man unzips his pants to let the duck breath. The duck sticks out his head and starts looking around. One old lady nudges the other lady and exclaims, “Hey, this guy next to me just unzipped his pants.” The lady furthest away says, “Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all”. The other lady replies, “Yes, that’s what I thought, but this one’s eating my popcorn”.

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Response to Marthe48 (Reply #82)

Sat Sep 21, 2019, 04:40 PM

86. Hilarious!

:

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Response to Marthe48 (Reply #82)

Wed Oct 9, 2019, 10:48 PM

118. It was a rooster, not a duck

Another name for a rooster is a “cock,” which leads us to the joke...

Farmer Brown had a prize rooster. One day he decided to take it to the movies, so he stuck it in his pants and headed to town. He sat down and unzipped his pants to let the rooster breathe.

A few minutes later Gladys and Agnes sit down next to Farmer Brown.

A few minutes after that, Gladys gave a scream.

“Gladys, what’s wrong?”

“Farmer Brown’s cock is sticking out of his pants.”

“Come now, Gladys. You’ve seen a cock before. Just ignore it.”

“I can’t. This one is eating my popcorn.”

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 08:47 PM

19. "Some people just can't tell a joke."

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Response to TomSlick (Reply #19)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 11:21 PM

22. ...

62.



28.

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Response to OilemFirchen (Reply #22)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 05:24 PM

51. DING, DING, DING. We have a winner.

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Response to TomSlick (Reply #19)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 06:56 PM

62. My husband told me this one

when we were dating-almost 50 years ago. Still one of my favorites

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Response to Marthe48 (Reply #62)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 10:13 PM

65. I'm afraid that your husband and I are about the same age.

Fortunately for both of us, our sweethearts laughed at our jokes. More fortunately for both of us, our sweethearts from fifty years ago stayed with us.

Thank you for reminding me how lucky I am.

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Response to TomSlick (Reply #65)

Fri Sep 20, 2019, 12:10 PM

66. You are lucky

My husband passed about 2 1/3 yrs. ago. Every morning when we woke up, he would say something funny, just to make me laugh. I still come across things he wrote and I smile.

I personally think humor is one of the top characteristics I look for in people. Cheers!

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Response to Marthe48 (Reply #66)

Fri Sep 20, 2019, 08:03 PM

77. I'm sorry.

Your husband was a lucky man. To spend his life with a someone who loved him enough to laugh at his jokes was a great blessing.

Heaven was a step down for him.

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Response to TomSlick (Reply #77)

Fri Sep 20, 2019, 10:15 PM

83. Aw you are so nice

We loved egging each other on. I am getting back to making jokes again. After a bad one, my son-in-law will say things like "ladies and Gentlemen! She'll be here all week! Be sure to tip your waiters!" Makes me laugh.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 09:58 PM

20. This not James River...

toilet paper. It John Wayne toilet paper. It rough, it tough and take no shit from Indian!

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Sep 18, 2019, 10:52 PM

21. Who's that guy standing next to Dave?

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Response to benld74 (Reply #21)

Sat Sep 28, 2019, 08:40 PM

101. I'd have to Google to get the full joke, which isn't allowed.

But can I say who the guy standing next to Dave is?












































The Pope.

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Response to PoindexterOglethorpe (Reply #101)

Sun Sep 29, 2019, 03:05 PM

107. That's right !!

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Response to benld74 (Reply #107)

Fri Oct 25, 2019, 06:06 PM

144. I heard it with "Moishe" instead of "Dave" N/T

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 12:54 AM

27. (Singing) "Your mother's dead."

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Response to emmaverybo (Reply #27)

Sat Oct 12, 2019, 11:17 PM

127. Something about a telegram being delivered

And the recipient wants a singing telegram, has always wanted one. After some arguing (because the deliverer doesn't think it's appropriate), he sings: <your post>.

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Response to catrose (Reply #127)

Sun Oct 13, 2019, 02:07 AM

128. Very good! Long, long joke--must be drawn out. Doorbell ringing and ringing. Guy in shower, but door

bell keeps ringing. He’s screaming I’m coming #$&%, and slipping, falling, breaking things and self, towel ripping to get to door.
(Take 5 minutes to tell, acting out the pratfalls) and FINALLY.

Flings door open, little guy says “I have a telegram for Mr. X,” and he grabs deliverer by collar, throttling him, and shouts “Ya better sing it!!”

Then you do the ”Your mother’s dead” in Terrible throat squeezed sing-song.

Amazing guess.

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Response to emmaverybo (Reply #128)

Mon Nov 11, 2019, 07:34 PM

179. Not quite. Here ya go:

Guy says "I've NEVER had a singing telegram. PLEASE sing it to me."
"Well...OK..."Charlie your mom is dead, we know she died in bed..."

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Response to trof (Reply #179)

Mon Nov 11, 2019, 08:46 PM

184. Different versions. My version told to my by an Irish story-teller type who drew it out. I was

caught by surprise. Not that moms passing are funny.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)


Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 01:33 AM

30. No. Let's walk down there and fuck them all.

..

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Response to Captain Zero (Reply #30)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 05:20 PM

48. An old bull and a young bull are standing on a hillside, looking down at a bunch of cows

The young bull says; "Hey, Pop, Let's run down there and fuck one of those cows!"

The old bull says: "No. Let's walk down there and fuck em' all!"

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Response to Captain Zero (Reply #30)

Fri Sep 20, 2019, 06:47 PM

69. Upon reflection, I think the old bull said: "No, son..We'll walk down there and fuck 'em all!"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 02:30 AM

31. Change

comes from within.

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Response to Turbineguy (Reply #31)

Sat Oct 12, 2019, 08:44 PM

125. What does a Buddhist Coke machine say?

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 02:44 AM

32. That's just the frost in my moustache. n/t

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 03:51 AM

33. and the 4th man ducked! n/t

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Response to kozar (Reply #33)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 10:29 AM

36. Three guys walked into a bar... n/t

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Response to Harker (Reply #36)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 10:59 AM

38. Winner winner, chicken dinner!!!!

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Response to kozar (Reply #38)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 11:48 AM

39. I'll just have soup and a salad, please.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 08:00 AM

34. "Make me one with everything."

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Response to Harker (Reply #34)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 05:21 PM

49. What did the Zen monk say to the hot dog vender?

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #49)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 05:46 PM

54. Ding!

Felt good to give you one back, Red.

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Response to Harker (Reply #54)

Fri Sep 20, 2019, 06:58 PM

73. Thanks for that

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 08:32 AM

35. "Come on, Chickenshit. They won't believe you, either."

One of my beloved Uncle Wally's very best ones.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 10:30 AM

37. "It was easy...

once I cut my way out of the burlap bag."

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 12:04 PM

41. "But first, a little ruru"

probably NSFW

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 04:08 PM

45. A stick

Bada boom





What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

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Response to DiverDave (Reply #45)

Sat Sep 21, 2019, 04:41 PM

87. Or, what's long and hard and sticky?

Straight from Jr. High, that one.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 05:21 PM

50. "The price is right, but the name is Daisy"

Last edited Fri Sep 20, 2019, 07:30 PM - Edit history (1)

(Redd Foxx joke)

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 05:26 PM

52. "Big enough to fit a camel"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 05:32 PM

53. Break is over, back on your heads.

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Response to WhiteTara (Reply #53)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 05:51 PM

55. Is feces involved in a

high temperature environment?

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Response to Harker (Reply #55)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 05:54 PM

56. Bingo! Indeed it does!

3rd room in Hell.

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Response to WhiteTara (Reply #56)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 06:15 PM

57. That goes way back.

offers a newcomer a choice of three eternal situations, the obvious choice being the third option- standing around knee deep in shite. Then comes the punchline.

This recitation highlights my lack of comedic talent.

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Response to Harker (Reply #57)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 06:17 PM

58. Mine too.

It was my mother's favorite and I used it (the punchline - they didn't get it and I had to tell the whole joke) today with the guys working with me outside.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 06:38 PM

59. "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

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Response to Harker (Reply #59)

Sat Sep 28, 2019, 08:42 PM

102. A priest and a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar.

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Response to PoindexterOglethorpe (Reply #102)

Sat Sep 28, 2019, 09:08 PM

104. I always try to squeeze in

a Zen monk, but that's just me.

I squeezed in a phone booth once, but that's another story.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 06:40 PM

60. "Because he was Haydn."

This is the punchline to what is generally considered to be my magnum opus.

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Response to Harker (Reply #60)

Fri Sep 20, 2019, 07:38 PM

75. Reminds me of a joke from the movie "Prairie Home Companion"

Dusty and Lefty are telling "bad jokes" and Lefty told a joke about his horse.

(From memory, so might not be exactly right)

LEFTY
"My horse is very smart..He knows algebra and trigonometry, but I just can't teach him philosophy."

DUSTY
"Why not?"

LEFTY
"Well, you can't put Descartes before the horse"

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #75)

Fri Sep 20, 2019, 08:46 PM

80. There's a keeper... n/t

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 06:58 PM

63. My Dad had a little spiral notebook

had over 500 punchlines written down. He owned a grocery store and always had friends stop by. They'd trade jokes, along with local news and such. I was usually banned from the meet department where they hung out, but my brothers would tell me the jokes they got to hear

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Response to Marthe48 (Reply #63)

Fri Sep 20, 2019, 06:56 PM

72. Do you remember any of them?

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #72)

Fri Sep 20, 2019, 10:20 PM

84. Let me think about it

He wasn't politically correct, and I think a lot of them were naughty. We had a place in the country and he left it there between visits. When we were there again, mice had chewed on it. It was like losing a treasure. I'll see what a good night's sleep does and see if I can remember any.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Sep 19, 2019, 07:03 PM

64. No lady, I'm riding Princeton in the 5th

One of my Dad's favorites

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Fri Sep 20, 2019, 01:22 PM

67. I first heard that in the film Bonnie & Clyde!

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Response to ailsagirl (Reply #67)

Fri Sep 20, 2019, 06:44 PM

68. Yes, it's an old joke, but it was told in "Bonnie & Clyde"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Fri Sep 20, 2019, 07:28 PM

74. "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are stacking up."

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #74)

Tue Oct 8, 2019, 02:19 PM

115. Oly says to his friend : "Oh, I think my wife has died."

His friend replies:
"What do you mean, you THINK she died?"

Oly replies:
"Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up!"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Fri Sep 20, 2019, 07:43 PM

76. [Whispered] Hey Donnie, how many's a brazilian?

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Response to discntnt_irny_srcsm (Reply #76)

Mon Sep 23, 2019, 12:16 PM

94. Okay here's some help: spoken by GWB during a briefing on the Iraq war n/t

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Fri Sep 20, 2019, 08:11 PM

78. That dog will bite you!

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Fri Sep 20, 2019, 08:33 PM

79. And that was the last anyone heard from Donald Trump

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sat Sep 21, 2019, 04:29 PM

85. "That's not my dog!"

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #85)

Sat Sep 21, 2019, 07:14 PM

88. Crazy Guggenheim?

...before I painted it yellow and cut off its tail...it was an alligator.

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Response to Brother Buzz (Reply #88)

Sun Sep 22, 2019, 02:22 PM

90. "Hi, Joe...Hi, Mr. Dennehy!"

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #90)

Mon Nov 11, 2019, 07:42 PM

180. And then he sang.

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #85)

Sat Sep 21, 2019, 07:35 PM

89. Does your dog bite?

I think of Clouseau...

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Response to Harker (Reply #89)

Sun Sep 22, 2019, 02:23 PM

91. That's it!

(The Pink Panther)

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sun Sep 22, 2019, 02:24 PM

92. "How are you, Senator Cruz?"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Tue Sep 24, 2019, 05:31 PM

95. "Seventy five cents"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Tue Sep 24, 2019, 06:12 PM

96. A cup of coffee and two popsicles

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Tue Sep 24, 2019, 07:10 PM

97. "Walk him and pitch to the rhino."

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Response to The Velveteen Ocelot (Reply #97)

Wed Sep 25, 2019, 11:17 AM

98. What do you do with a giraffe with three balls?

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sat Sep 28, 2019, 07:54 PM

99. "Wait and see which can they go in"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sat Sep 28, 2019, 08:22 PM

100. "Arrr, I know, and it's driving me nuts!"

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #100)

Tue Nov 5, 2019, 03:03 PM

168. A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel coming out of his pants..

Bartender says:
"Hey, did you know you have a ship's wheel coming out of your pants?

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sat Sep 28, 2019, 10:46 PM

105. It keeps me from licking my lips.....

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Response to Bayard (Reply #105)

Mon Nov 11, 2019, 07:44 PM

181. You recommend chickenshit for chapped lips?

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sat Sep 28, 2019, 11:06 PM

106. The O'Malley twins are just drunk again.



...

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sun Sep 29, 2019, 05:29 PM

108. "KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Mon Sep 30, 2019, 01:21 PM

109. Back on your heads, coffee break is over!

It's obscure and one of mt favorite jokes ever.


Laura

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Mon Sep 30, 2019, 05:26 PM

110. "O.J. Simpson"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Tue Oct 1, 2019, 03:27 PM

111. "But The Juice will kill you"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sat Oct 5, 2019, 07:58 PM

112. Well, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #112)

Tue Oct 8, 2019, 03:09 PM

116. A rich man and a poor man had the same wedding anniversary date; and they would meet each other

at the mall once a year and show each other what anniversary presents they got for their wives.

One year, they met at the mall, and the poor guy asked the rich guy:

"What did you get your wife this year?"


The rich guy replied:
"I got her a diamond necklace and Mercedes Benz"


The poor guy asked:
"Why did you get her a diamond necklace AND a Mercedes Benz?"


The rich guy replied:
"Well, if she doesn't like the necklace, she can return it in the Mercedes Benz"


Then the rich guy asked:

"What did you get your wife this year?"


The poor guy replied:

"I got her a pair of slippers and a doldo"


The rich guy asked:

"Why did you get her a [air of slippers and a dildo?"


The poor guy replied:
"Well, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"

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Response to MatthewHatesTrump2 (Reply #116)

Sat Oct 12, 2019, 06:36 PM

123. Excellent!

Welcome to DU!

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #123)

Fri Nov 1, 2019, 05:41 PM

151. Wasn't that a joke told on The Sopranos?

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sun Oct 6, 2019, 05:17 PM

113. "The Aristocrats!"

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #113)

Fri Nov 1, 2019, 05:30 PM

149. Isn't that the punch line from "The Aristocrats" joke?

I've seen the movie...it's very funny, especially Gilbert Gottfried

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Mon Oct 7, 2019, 07:07 PM

114. "All I want is toilet papah'"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Oct 9, 2019, 11:13 PM

119. Looks like you blew a seal. No way, vanilla ice cream!

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Response to Major Nikon (Reply #119)

Mon Nov 11, 2019, 07:20 PM

177. See my post below. I didn't realize the thread was old and long.

There is video of this joke being told by a chimp somewhere on the Internet. It supports the ice cream ending.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Oct 9, 2019, 11:49 PM

120. "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the beaver last night?

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Response to Disaffected (Reply #120)

Sat Oct 12, 2019, 06:32 PM

121. Lol

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #121)

Sat Oct 12, 2019, 08:04 PM

124. OK, you probably know but:

Q: What is the dirtiest line ever uttered on family TV?

The show was "Leave it to Beaver".

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Response to Disaffected (Reply #124)

Sun Oct 13, 2019, 04:03 PM

132. So Beaver's mom actually uttered that line?

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #132)

Sun Oct 13, 2019, 04:13 PM

133. Yup,

more than once I understand it(it was a dumb ass but popular sitcom so didn't watch it much myself).

BTW, his actual nickname on the show was The Beaver which makes it even better.

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Response to Disaffected (Reply #133)

Sun Oct 13, 2019, 05:58 PM

134. That's right!

His nickname was The Beaver...(and I did watch the show)

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sat Oct 12, 2019, 06:33 PM

122. "And deep too!"

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #122)

Sat Nov 2, 2019, 03:48 AM

154. Two Guys Peeing On A Bridge

One smiles and says, "Man this water is cold" and the other says, "Yeah, and deep too!"


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Response to JimGinPA (Reply #154)

Sat Nov 2, 2019, 07:01 PM

162. You got it!

I heard that joke in "Slingblade"

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Response to JimGinPA (Reply #154)

Mon Nov 11, 2019, 07:48 PM

182. I heard "Yeah, but it ain't that deep."

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sat Oct 12, 2019, 09:14 PM

126. "I used to say 'fuck you' all the time, now I just smile and say 'how nice'..."

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Response to regnaD kciN (Reply #126)

Sun Oct 13, 2019, 11:46 AM

130. Well, she had been to finishing school ....

(It's a great joke, best told w/appropriate regional British accents -- the class consciousness is part of the joke -- but I don't remember the whole thing. )

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sun Oct 13, 2019, 11:12 AM

129. "Your mother's on the roof and we can't get her down."

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sun Oct 13, 2019, 03:52 PM

131. "I don't know, but it sure can pick a shitload of lettuce!"

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #131)

Wed Oct 23, 2019, 03:03 PM

141. What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Mon Oct 14, 2019, 05:15 PM

135. "Now, where's that old lady with the abscessed tooth?"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Mon Oct 14, 2019, 07:14 PM

136. He's smiling now; but wait 'til they take the pacifier out of his ass"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Tue Oct 15, 2019, 05:02 PM

137. You're as close as you can get!

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Oct 16, 2019, 02:54 PM

138. "You'll get your palm red for free."

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sat Oct 19, 2019, 02:22 PM

139. "Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sun Oct 20, 2019, 04:16 PM

140. "Yeah, and it's deep too!"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Fri Oct 25, 2019, 05:03 PM

143. "I never said it was free!"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Fri Oct 25, 2019, 06:11 PM

145. "Hey Lady, your sign fell down!"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sat Oct 26, 2019, 02:15 PM

146. "You can unscrew a light bulb"

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #146)

Sat Nov 2, 2019, 04:09 AM

160. What's The Difference Between A Virgin & A Light Bulb?



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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Oct 30, 2019, 07:24 PM

147. "A rooster clucks defiant"

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #147)

Sat Nov 2, 2019, 03:59 AM

156. Whats The Difference Between A Rooster & A Lawyer?




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Response to JimGinPA (Reply #156)

Sat Nov 2, 2019, 07:00 PM

161. Did you see that joke on the "Do you have a favorite 'lawyer' joke? thread?

(I posted it at the top)

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Response to red dog 1 (Reply #161)

Sat Nov 2, 2019, 08:02 PM

164. No, I Was A Bartender When I Was Younger

I heard millions of jokes & I found if I just remembered the punchlines I could work backwards & never forget them.






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Response to JimGinPA (Reply #164)

Sun Nov 3, 2019, 08:56 PM

166. Yeah, old jokes are the best.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Oct 31, 2019, 08:51 PM

148. "She seemed surprised"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Fri Nov 1, 2019, 05:38 PM

150. Nice to see you again, Senator Cruz!"

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Response to MatthewHatesTrump2 (Reply #150)


Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sat Nov 2, 2019, 04:03 AM

157. "Whenever I Got A Dozen I Sold Them"




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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sat Nov 2, 2019, 04:05 AM

158. "I Thought So Too, 'Till I Ran Out Of Chain"




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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sat Nov 2, 2019, 04:07 AM

159. Shake Hands




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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sat Nov 2, 2019, 07:11 PM

163. "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sun Nov 3, 2019, 08:52 PM

165. "Next time don't drive so fast..You nearly killed us!"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Wed Nov 6, 2019, 04:32 PM

169. "The Juice will kill ya'"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Nov 7, 2019, 03:56 AM

170. "They both look good hanging from a tree"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Thu Nov 7, 2019, 04:32 PM

171. "I told them I was President Trump's driver and that I killed the pig!"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sat Nov 9, 2019, 07:12 PM

173. "Give me my quarterback!"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Sun Nov 10, 2019, 12:03 PM

174. "If you two are going to keep arguing, I'm leaving!"

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Mon Nov 11, 2019, 06:49 PM

175. He wouldn't eat the mushrooms.



...

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Mon Nov 11, 2019, 07:17 PM

176. The late and much missed Annette Apollo (Old Leftie Lawyer, Tangerine LaBamba)

argued over this punch line. She said it was, "That's just a little mayonnaise." I maintained it was, "That's just a little ice cream."

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Mon Nov 11, 2019, 07:33 PM

178. And he was the first person ever to wire ahead for a reservation.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Mon Nov 11, 2019, 08:13 PM

183. I dunno, but they're saving the seeds.

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Response to red dog 1 (Original post)

Tue Nov 12, 2019, 03:22 PM

185. "Because I'm trying to examine you"

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