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Sun Aug 25, 2019, 04:24 AM

Male, early 60's...

Cynical, lacks humor, smells bad, scratches all the time, loses train of thought mid-sentence, still thinks farts are funny, dog lover, weird spots on forearms and calves, crepe skin, large spaces between front teeth, don't care no more, no filter, won't dress up, breathes heavily, nose hair, ear hair, back hair, beard contains food, can't sing, irregular pooping schedule, announces pooping activity, bad urine stream, gets toe cramps frequently, cusses a lot, yells at objects, skewed nipples, has a one pack, lopsided buttocks, hides boogers under furniture, passes out loose cigarettes on Halloween, resembles pimento loaf, wears suspenders from 1976, falls asleep in the shower, contemplates "fart molecules", wonders if everyone's navel smells like that, doesn't use paragraphs, bad at math, bad at history, bad at geography, bad at everything, takes power naps while driving, mends t-shirt holes with tape, makes obvious scrotum adjustments at grocery store, talks on cell phone when trying to pay cashiers, can't hear, very scabby, tries to smell own breath while conversing, avoids church, has cataracts, doesn't know about that sore on his leg, uses 7 different ointments which all expired in 1995-1997, "brushes" teeth with a toothpaste coated finger, struggles to keep himself from using weed whacker on calf "to see what it feels like", touches all of the produce, stops car in middle of highway to look in glove compartment, smokes a lot of weed and forgets things, repeats himself constantly, smokes a lot of weed and forgets things, repeats himself, smokes weed, contemplates vacuum cleaner technology, very lax with toenail care, hopes that isn't a fungus, high anxiety worrier, friends call him a "sneezy fucker" behind his back, eats butterscotch pudding by the bucketful, never met a cookie he didn't like, is referred to as the "before" picture, weak handshake, clears throat repeatedly when nervous, scratches back against telephone poles, once got arm stuck in mailbox, favorite words are "crotch" and "groin", mispronounces "children" as "chiblins" and "specific" as "pacific", pants too short, sleeves too long, always has 1983 Texas Instruments calculator in back pocket, wallet is 2 inches thick and held together by 6 rubberbands, has "in case of emergency card" in wallet that was never filled out, front pockets stuffed with expired junk food coupons, pays for gasoline with loose change, when asked for his age he has to think for 15 seconds and then still gets it wrong...

Jesus, I have an interview Monday and I'm trying to work up an answer if they ask me to tell them about myself. I'm going to have to see if I can condense this a bit.

25 replies, 1410 views

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Arrow 25 replies Author Time Post
Reply Male, early 60's... (Original post)
LuckyCharms Aug 25 OP
TexasTowelie Aug 25 #1
usaf-vet Aug 25 #8
dweller Aug 25 #2
mr_lebowski Aug 25 #3
democratisphere Aug 25 #4
Skittles Aug 25 #5
Scarsdale Aug 25 #6
5X Aug 25 #7
LineReply !
Kali Aug 25 #9
smirkymonkey Aug 25 #10
CentralMass Aug 25 #11
southerncrone Aug 25 #12
LisaL Aug 25 #13
Major Nikon Aug 25 #14
Harker Aug 25 #15
3catwoman3 Aug 26 #18
Harker Aug 26 #19
3catwoman3 Aug 26 #20
Harker Aug 26 #21
Kali Aug 27 #22
Totally Tunsie Aug 25 #16
KY_EnviroGuy Aug 25 #17
diva77 Aug 27 #23
Marie Marie Aug 27 #24
DFW Aug 28 #25

Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Sun Aug 25, 2019, 04:32 AM

1. Are you running for president or something?

Just digesting your qualifications...

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Response to TexasTowelie (Reply #1)

Sun Aug 25, 2019, 07:06 AM

8. If you are looking for a job in the WH just tell them you lie,steal, and cheat.

You will fit right in.

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Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Sun Aug 25, 2019, 04:34 AM

2. can't help ya

don't know him

i'm free
✌🏼

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Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Sun Aug 25, 2019, 04:36 AM

3. Condense it? Why? In fact, that should be your cover letter, man ...

I do hope this is job for something like a Big-City Cab Driver, though ...



I love your sense of humor dude ... for reals

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Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Sun Aug 25, 2019, 04:55 AM

4. Human trainwreck off the rails sums it up.

Glad you sought refuge HERE!

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Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Sun Aug 25, 2019, 05:08 AM

5. you touch all the produce?

*EGREGIOUS*

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Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Sun Aug 25, 2019, 06:45 AM

6. Be careful.

With those "qualifications" you might suddenly find yourself in the Oval Office. Do you golf??

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Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Sun Aug 25, 2019, 07:02 AM

7. My, you are charming.

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Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Sun Aug 25, 2019, 07:45 AM

9. !

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Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Sun Aug 25, 2019, 08:01 AM

10. Sounds perfect!

Although I would edit out the "lacks humor" bit. Somehow, it doesn't seem to fit.

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Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Sun Aug 25, 2019, 09:40 AM

11. :-)

:

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Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Sun Aug 25, 2019, 02:32 PM

12. Are you my husband?!!??

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Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Sun Aug 25, 2019, 02:50 PM

13. Can't imagine them not offering you the job after hearing this description.

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Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Sun Aug 25, 2019, 03:28 PM

14. What is your greatest weakness?

A. I don’t learn from my mistakes, cuz I don’t make any.

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Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Sun Aug 25, 2019, 03:32 PM

15. You mean...

farts aren't funny?

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Response to Harker (Reply #15)

Mon Aug 26, 2019, 11:24 AM

18. It is my firmly held opinion that the male of the human species...

...finds bodily functions/fluids and the noises that accompany them hysterically funny until they are in a casket.

Most women would prefer not to acknowledge such occurrences in any way.

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Response to 3catwoman3 (Reply #18)

Mon Aug 26, 2019, 10:08 PM

19. Could be.

I don't think I've ever heard a woman say, "pull my finger!"

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Response to Harker (Reply #19)

Mon Aug 26, 2019, 10:29 PM

20. And, somewhat off topic, have you ever heard a woman..

...say “the husband,” the way men will say “the wife?”

The wife said we needed to go to the store. The wife and her friends are getting their nails done. The wife and I are going on vacation.

Never ever.

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Response to 3catwoman3 (Reply #20)

Mon Aug 26, 2019, 11:41 PM

21. I think not.

I am delighted when people speak lovingly and admiringly about each other.

That makes me smile.

Harsh name calling, deserved or not, saddens me, as does using belittling or dismissive terms, as you pointed out.

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Response to 3catwoman3 (Reply #20)

Tue Aug 27, 2019, 01:09 AM

22. LOL I think farts are funny

and refer to him as the husband (on line in writing, otherwise I use his name or call him old man)

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Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Sun Aug 25, 2019, 04:16 PM

16. So you're a perfectly normal, average human being.

Have your toenails hardened yet?

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Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Sun Aug 25, 2019, 05:54 PM

17. I think we can all identify with you in some way.

........

I do question your admitting to "doesn't use paragraphs"..........

KY........

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Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Tue Aug 27, 2019, 02:14 AM

23. So, it's almost Tuesday now. How'd the interview go?

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Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Tue Aug 27, 2019, 11:22 PM

24. You should post that as your profile on e-Harmony.

Then you MUST share with DU the women who are considered your match.

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Response to LuckyCharms (Original post)

Wed Aug 28, 2019, 01:20 PM

25. Lose the junk food coupons. n/t

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