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Sun Jun 23, 2019, 10:01 PM

Anyone know how to get over a broken heart?

So... I tried to get back together with an ex I loved very much. She started talking to me, then drifted away. Just a couple of months later, she was engaged, and then a month after that, married. I think of her every day, know she doesnít even think of me, and hurt like hell. I feel stupid and pathetic for not moving on. The dating well here resembles the Gobi and dating sites are an absolute nightmare. I just want to stop hurting.

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Arrow 48 replies Author Time Post
Reply Anyone know how to get over a broken heart? (Original post)
GaYellowDawg Jun 2019 OP
The Velveteen Ocelot Jun 2019 #1
rusty quoin Jun 2019 #6
AJT Jun 2019 #2
CentralMass Jun 2019 #3
randr Jun 2019 #4
Hoyt Jun 2019 #5
The Velveteen Ocelot Jun 2019 #10
Hoyt Jun 2019 #12
GaYellowDawg Jun 2019 #15
Hoyt Jun 2019 #25
msongs Jun 2019 #7
PoindexterOglethorpe Jun 2019 #8
GaYellowDawg Jun 2019 #17
Dream Girl Jun 2019 #9
JoeOtterbein Jun 2019 #11
dweller Jun 2019 #13
GaYellowDawg Jun 2019 #16
dweller Jun 2019 #23
busterbrown Jun 2019 #36
alittlelark Jun 2019 #14
mia Jun 2019 #18
happyaccident Jun 2019 #19
PoindexterOglethorpe Jun 2019 #39
kimbutgar Jun 2019 #20
smirkymonkey Jun 2019 #44
kimbutgar Jun 2019 #45
emmaverybo Jun 2019 #21
fierywoman Jun 2019 #22
Karadeniz Jun 2019 #24
912gdm Jun 2019 #26
pnwest Jun 2019 #27
Thekaspervote Jun 2019 #28
SHRED Jun 2019 #29
ProudLib72 Jun 2019 #30
orleans Jun 2019 #31
TalenaGor Jun 2019 #32
dameatball Jun 2019 #33
LuckyCharms Jun 2019 #34
Liberty Belle Jun 2019 #35
Richard D Jun 2019 #37
smirkymonkey Jun 2019 #46
DFW Jun 2019 #38
KY_EnviroGuy Jun 2019 #40
JesterCS Jun 2019 #41
hunter Jun 2019 #42
CTyankee Jun 2019 #43
Marthe48 Jun 2019 #47
panader0 Jun 2019 #48

Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 10:05 PM

1. Time. That's what it takes.

Been there, done that, it really, really sucks. But you'll get over it, I promise.

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Response to The Velveteen Ocelot (Reply #1)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 10:23 PM

6. Yes...time. It's the only cure.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 10:10 PM

2. There's no quick cure. When I think about the person that I loved

for 20 years I remind myself that I can't change him, and the fact that he does not want a relationship with me isn't his fault. Someone, at one time, probably was in love with you and you did not feel the same way. People aren't out to hurt you, they can't make themselves feel for you what you feel for them. There is no blame and no reason to dwell on it. I don't see myself being with anyone else, but I have a decent life. Remember, there are literally billions of people who have gone through the same thing.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 10:18 PM

3. Nope.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 10:20 PM

4. Dylan's Blood on the Tracks

Play it until you feel better.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 10:23 PM

5. Agree with poster above, you will get over it in time. Don't feel "stupid and pathetic" for

not moving on.

The sooner you find someone else, the faster that happens. Donít know where you live, but I moved away from a Gobi Desert ó Macon, Ga. ó once to get a fresh start in relationships.

I get the dating site issue, but they are one option that has worked for a lot of people. Wouldnít want that to be my main option, but it is an option.

Anyway, take care.

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Response to Hoyt (Reply #5)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 10:43 PM

10. But they shouldn't start dating too fast just to get over someone else.

Rebound relationships never work out. Socialize, spend time with friends, but don't date too soon.

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Response to The Velveteen Ocelot (Reply #10)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 10:50 PM

12. Agree with that, but I know what it's like in a relationship Gobi Desert. It could take years

to even meet someone you want to talk to for more than 10 minutes.

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Response to Hoyt (Reply #12)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 10:52 PM

15. Macon would be a metropolis compared to here.

I would find it very hard at my age and point in my career to move. Iím glad you had that option.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Reply #15)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 11:24 PM

25. Good luck anyway. I get it. Single life ain't so bad.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 10:32 PM

7. be grateful somebody who doesn't want you has left you with your freedom? nt

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 10:40 PM

8. Do other things.

Don't even think about dating. But get involved in whatever else interests you.

I am probably a lot older than you, and I find myself obsessing over long ago lost loves. Really dumb. But then I find something else to do, something that distracts me, and it's very helpful.

I won't even offer specific suggestions because you probably already know what they are and know what might work for you.

The other thing I'll say is DON'T let this stop you from doing things for yourself.

And hang in there.

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Response to PoindexterOglethorpe (Reply #8)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 10:56 PM

17. Thank you.

Exercising helps. The physical pain sometimes burns out the emotional. I donít push it so hard that I injure myself, but I am going right up to the limits I can endure.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 10:41 PM

9. I'm so sorry...we've all been there nothing pathetic about loving someone who may not feel

the same way. As others have said, time will heal your broken heart. In the mean time be good to yourself. Love yourself.it will get better.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 10:49 PM

11. Always care for yourself.

First AND Last!

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 10:50 PM

13. the best answer

is contained in the 2nd paragraph of poster #8 ... it's also the answer to most of life's dilemmas ... break your concentration from what is ailing you and focus on something else, something that absorbs your mind... aka, a path with heart...

also, as post #4 states, Dylan ...

✌🏼️

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Response to dweller (Reply #13)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 10:54 PM

16. I am exercising like crazy.

And Iím trying to spend more time on my job. Iíve actually made a lot of progress physically and Iím very happy with that. But it feels like such a monochromatic existence.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Reply #16)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 11:13 PM

23. but is the extra work and excercise

strengthening your spirit ?
surely they strengthen your paycheck and your muscles, but what of your internal peace with your self, and therefor your world ?

humans have an innate ability to obsess and be overwhelmed by circumstances that frankly they obsess over and are overwhelmed by ... like being trapped in a mirror's reflection..

when a situation is beyond your control, let it go and focus on what does truly make you feel good and whole again .. you might be surprised at what life next throws at you... it takes practice, but it's worth the effort

✌🏼️

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Response to dweller (Reply #13)

Mon Jun 24, 2019, 01:02 AM

36. Good advice..

Easier said than done! But you really have no other choice..

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 10:51 PM

14. Write your emotions and feeling down on paper

They can be scraps of paper or fill a notebook.... have a solitary fire or light a candle and burn the papers with the intent of releasing the feelings to the flames, to the smoke , to the sky.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 10:57 PM

18. Sorry that you are going through this.

Love and fellowship to you. After 30 years I thought of an ex today and only remembered the good times. Savor the good memories and move on. Your life is full of new possibilities and you are richer from have loved so well.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 11:03 PM

19. Volunteer to help others(soup kitchen, community gardens, everyday mutual aid)

 

My go-to prescription for depression. It has always worked. Gets your mind off itself, it's kinda addictive. And a great way to meet someone else with character.

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Response to happyaccident (Reply #19)

Mon Jun 24, 2019, 01:50 AM

39. YES!

I wish I had thought of that for my original post. I occasionally do volunteer work at my local homeless shelter and it is truly the best thing ever.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 11:04 PM

20. Enjoy being by yourself and once you realize you're ok you can move on

Love yourself first.

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Response to kimbutgar (Reply #20)

Mon Jun 24, 2019, 07:05 PM

44. I would agree with this. It sounds simplistic, but it was the only thing that

worked for me. I used to feel that my life was incomplete without a boyfriend/husband and I had been through so many disappointing relationships/dating situations that I was just about at the end of my rope. I was tired.

I decided that my unhealthy attitude - that I needed someone else to be ok with myself - was a big part of the problem, so I decided to intentionally not date or look for an extended period of time and just concentrate on myself and what I wanted in my own life. This period of time ended up being a lot longer than I had intended, but it really helped me to gain a greater sense of self and true independence.

I no longer feel like I need anyone. In fact, I almost feel more comfortable alone. I realize that I am very introverted and have come to accept that about myself. If I find someone, great. If not, I am ok with that. The grass is always greener. I always think about what I love about being single - and there are times when I really love it. Sometimes, I wish I had someone to go away with on a long weekend or travel with, or someone to have dinner with (besides just friends), but other times, I like being able to do what I want, when I want.

To the OP, try to keep the focus on yourself and to not idealize this other person. Do things that make you happy and treat yourself from time to time. Reconnect with old friends and try to get involved in something new and interesting. Start loving your own life and you will start attracting people into it! Best of luck to you and I am sorry for your current heartache. It will take some time, but eventually you will heal and get over it. There are people in my life I thought I would never get over and now I can hardly remember what they look like!

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Response to smirkymonkey (Reply #44)

Mon Jun 24, 2019, 11:18 PM

45. +1

Exactly

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 11:05 PM

21. My mother once told me nothing in life is final, but death and taxes. Put your love on a shelf as

you would a book you might finish some day. Who knows? Plenty of couples have married another, only to divorce that other, and re-marry their exes. Weirder stuff happens.

But for now, this is not a story you can complete. You canít even take a peek at it.

Now do everything you can for yourself. Start something new or take up an old passion. No matter how impractical you think it may beóbringing you neither fame, money, or a modicum of successó
take up a study that will engage you.

Community colleges offer all kinds of opportunities. I went back to school in administration of justice studies in my fifties, and also took an intensive EMT program on. Before that I started two
different graduate psych programs. If you canít take a class or a program, YouTube will even teach you to sing, among a host of other things.

Like I said, doesnít matter what you launch. Launching will energize you, give you hope and plans, take up your time, occupy your heart and mind, introduce you to new worlds and people. You will
find yourself concentrating less and less on what you have lost and more on whatís in front of you and ahead.

In time, time will have passed. You will be somewhat made over. Maybe you will have a house full of slightly wobbly furniture you fashioned or a repertoire of songs, or a body of bad poetry. But you will have something you donít now.

It is then, from that vantage point of greater strength, that you can look back on your loss. You might decide you dodged a bullet. You might have met someone else because you were out and about exuding more purpose and liveliness.

Her marriage could go under in any number of ways. You can perhaps resume the story.

In one way or another you will because it was about your capacity to love, not dependent upon hers. New characters, settings, and plots will emerge with or without her. Be brave. Venture forth.
This could get interesting. Venture forth with a broken heart, and I guarantee it will find a way to mend. Hearts are like that.



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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 11:09 PM

22. Love yourself (please skip the snarky, guys -- the guy is hurting, OK?). Be good to yourself.

Be wildly happy with you -- then someone else will find you utterly irresistible.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 11:15 PM

24. Do you have a pet? Could you bottlefeed rescues?

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Response to Karadeniz (Reply #24)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 11:24 PM

26. yeah I was going to say get a kitten...

and this broody chicken agrees..
https://i.imgur.com/WwRGOwV.mp4

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 11:38 PM

27. Friends. Hanging with and appreciating

your friends - and doing something for someone else. Get out of your own head by focusing on others. Go out to dinner with a good friend, ask them how THEY are, and really listen to their answer. Volunteer some of your time and talents where they are needed.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 11:45 PM

28. I wallowed for way way too long. Finally decided what my worst sad triggers were and quit

My triggers were music.. (not always ballads) and love interest movies. I had a stern talking to myself and decided no more. No more sad tunes... no more sad movies. It really helped. I had family coming one time, went to the grocery to stock up. A song started playing that I could feel was going to overwhelm me. I walked out and left the cart in the middle of the isle. Didnít ruin anything cold or frozen....no dripping ice cream. 😁

Itís different for everyone, hope you feel better soon

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 11:45 PM

29. I've been through Hell

 

Two young daughters ages 6 and 4 and my wife screwed another guy.

They are 38 and 36 now.

Time heals.
Hang in there.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 11:50 PM

30. Honest answer here

Now is the time for self improvement, and not just physical. Read relationship books. Join groups that discuss relationships. Do some introspection.

Look, I got divorced about three months ago. It has been a year since we separated. In that time, I've done a lot to try and understand relationships. And don't take this as meaning there is something wrong with you. No, I mean you need to really think deeply about what you need and what you have to offer. FWIW, I went to a relationship meetup where we discussed assessing our values. Now that was eye opening. What if you meet someone who seems great but doesn't share your core values? Anyway, the point is that the path of self discovery is an awesome way to help you feel better, meet people, and eventually find the perfect match.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Sun Jun 23, 2019, 11:59 PM

31. my mom used to say

"everything happens for a reason"

it drove me crazy.

so i won't say that to you.

but...

i will say that it seems you are not supposed to be with her -- at least not at this time.

life is fluid. things fluctuate, we grow with our emotions and insights, we learn from our experiences and grow from them.

and perhaps the time you now have is giving you the opportunity to go down a path you otherwise would not have taken where you can find or develop a passion or talent (art, writing, songwriting, gardening, fixing cars?) that will enrich your life and help to make you an even better person, help to make you the person someone is looking for.

it sucks to be hurting. it's always painful when we lose someone we love. eventually the pain begins to lessen. sometimes we just have to go through it.

take care

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Mon Jun 24, 2019, 12:16 AM

32. cry it out... then remind yourself....

That if she was the right one she would not have done that......


Ugh dating sucks....

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Mon Jun 24, 2019, 12:20 AM

33. There are groups available in some areas. Either stand alone or sponsored by churches, etc.

Make some calls, log on and do some research about what may be available in your area. I went through what you are going through back in the 90's. I was surprised to find a fairly large (20-30) group sponsored by a church. There was never any pressure to accept religion or belong to the church, they just provided the facility. It was a once a week gathering of people going through similar troubles. We even got together on weekends for cookouts, day trips, movies and such. I came to realize that having a social life did not necessarily involve romantic attachment. However, some people did meet someone in the group and that was cool as well, but never pushed upon anybody. It was a work at your own pace type of thing, not like a 12 step or whatever. I enjoyed it for about a year and by that time I was okay with the situation and felt better in many ways. Went on my way with an entirely new outlook. Made some new friends.
I used to drive about 35 minutes one way. Not sure about what might be in your area but it's worth a look see. Good luck!

This particular group also included those who had a loss and were going through the grieving process. People had similar issues. I forgot to mention that.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Mon Jun 24, 2019, 12:35 AM

34. Challenge yourself.

Immerse yourself in something. Study it, become an expert in it, and then do it. Something very difficult for you. Something that you never thought you would be able to do. Something that takes time to master.

You will reinvent yourself.

This coupled with time, will make things better.

One day at a time...it WILL get better.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Mon Jun 24, 2019, 12:50 AM

35. Get involved in volunteer work to meet like-minded people.

Focus on doing good for others and hopefully some goodness will flow back to you.
Is there a progressive church in your area such as the Unitarian Universalist which brings in progressive speakers?
Maybe a hiking club, a book club, or whatever else interests you would be a better way to meet people than dating sites.
But do give it time, and focus on friendships and doing things that make you feel valued for a while.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Mon Jun 24, 2019, 01:13 AM

37. I'm a bit of an expert . . . sadly

Several things:

Time, time, time.

Try not to get caught up in 'what ifs'

Recognize that there's nothing you can do to make it happen, that if it had been right, it would have happened for you.

Don't blame yourself. Of course when you are ready, see if you made any mistakes that you can correct for FUTURE relationships.

Do things you love to do and do the alone. Doing things you love to do increases the odds of finding someone else who also loves to do them with you. But don't look for that. Let it happen.

Do things to improve yourself. Clean up your diet if needed. Exercise more. Maybe learn to meditate if it's not part of your life already. If it is, do more.

If you can, take a vacation to somewhere you want to go to. Get over the idea that it's no fun unless someone else is there with you. Have an adventure.

Be in love with love. The love that is already inside of you. I think this gets translated as love yourself, but I don't like that idea and it just confuses people.

Know that this too, shall pass.

I was in a "perfect relationship" that didn't work out. Looking back, it was very very far from perfect. When I let go, I made space for someone else, and now I am with someone who is far more companionable, fun, less drama, etc. But really, if you are looking at what you lost, there's no space for finding the new. Letting go is hard, but it's a moment by moment change in mind-set. Takes work and practice. But someone new will never appear if your holding on to the past.

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Response to Richard D (Reply #37)

Tue Jun 25, 2019, 12:17 AM

46. Yes! I would like to add to that.

I love to travel and I always thought I had to wait for someone to travel with, but I just decided to go on trips either by myself or with friends or on a tour group (Rick Steves tours are great). They were all great and I was never lonely. I was always meeting new people and there was so much to do and see. Travel is my great passion, however I am cursed by a hatred of flying, but I will do it to get to Europe. Not so much in the US. Once I am in Europe I will train around.

And hey, you never know who you might meet along the way!

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Mon Jun 24, 2019, 01:42 AM

38. Only one way: the right combination of time and luck

I got all this out of the way at an early age, but it seemed like an eternity at the time. I met THE girl (or so I thought) at age 18. Two years later, she got into Yale, got jumped on by every guy in her class, and I became a distant memory. I thought the world had ended (at age 20! what the hell did I know?). Two years after that (and when you're 20, two years seems like a century), I was in a cabaret in West Berlin, Germany. A girl I was chatting to mentioned she was leaving for China the next day, but I should meet her girlfriend from MŁnster. I said, "sure, where is she?" She leaned back and I saw a gorgeous tall blonde vision that just blew me away. I figured a nerd like me would NEVER have a chance with someone like her. But then I thought, with THAT attitude, I never would, so I started up a conversation with her. This year, we will have been together for 45 years.

If the desert is too dry, take a trip to a place where there's some water.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Mon Jun 24, 2019, 03:34 AM

40. Attachments - they seem to be forever.

I've suffered from extremely powerful attachments with a couple of women in my life, and still don't entirely understand how they come to be. Seems to happen with those with whom I have the strongest desire to physically be in their presence (my definition of love) as if they're soul mates, or as if there's some sort of mystical bonding. There's probably some things from evolution to be learned that explain that strong bonding.

Unfortunately, attachments are sometimes one-sided which can lead to a broken heart. I think if we were 100% rational beings, we wouldn't allow that situation to happen - but we're not perfect by any measure.

Another issue for me is that I'm an introvert, and we tend to bond with a small, select number of friends and lovers and do so very strongly. Therefore, when relationships are broken, we suffer very deeply compared to extroverts.

Can only speak from my own experience, but I suggest:
* journaling (writing down my emotional episodes have been a powerful tool),
* meditation, but keep it simple (saved my ass in alcoholism recovery)(see PS, below),
* perhaps make one or two new friends that you can comfortably open up to,
* getting more connected to nature and the earth,
* doing free service work for others (elderly, disabled, schools, etc.), and
* music. Lots of music for me (best anti-depressant on earth).

Many wise old heads have said that when we are in pain, the best remedy is helping another person in pain.

Best wishes!.......

PS: A simple mind-clearing meditation to make your mind completely quiet can provide powerful relief.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Mon Jun 24, 2019, 05:56 AM

41. I've been there

All I can say is, distract yourself. Binge watch some Netflix. Read some novels. I had a similar situation where a woman I really fell for was using my feelings for her to get money, drugs, rides, etc. Even as she was kissing me, sending me pictures, saying we might date. It still hurts a lot because I was honestly in love with what I thought was a perfect woman.

Now your sitaution is different but I'm sure it doesn't hurt any less. My best advice is as above. Distract yourself. Eventually it should slowly creep to the back of your mind. I still think about the girl I mentioned, even after what she did I still love her. The brain/heart is a strange thing lol.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Mon Jun 24, 2019, 10:18 AM

42. If you were me you'd play Bob Dylan really loud and do physically reckless things like...

... falling off of mountains, or swimming in dangerous surf alone at two o'clock in the morning.

Don't be me.

It's a miracle I survived my later teens and early twenties.

Once I'd abandoned all hope, figuring I'd live the rest of my life alone, I met my wife and we've been married over thirty years.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Mon Jun 24, 2019, 01:44 PM

43. I joined Parents Without Partners and found the man I have now been married to for 34 years.

I have to see my ex when I visit our daughter for Thanksgiving and will see next week at her summer home. I really don't enjoy seeing him.

PWP was great. They had dances, brunches and weekend house parties (PWP members hosted at their homes). I don't know if you had children with your partner but I would recommend PWP if one is in your local area.

A friend of mine at the time of the breakup told me "You WILL get over this. You will." and she was right. I did.

I hope you find your true happiness, with or without another love.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Tue Jun 25, 2019, 08:49 AM

47. Stay active

If you are able to travel, go somewhere monumental, like the ocean or the Rockies. The sheer immensity might pull some of the breakage out. It helped me.

Play the saddest songs you ever heard. I have a cd my husband burned for me and if I'm blue, playing that really helps. I might be feeling bad, but there are others who feel worse.

Get out of the house. Even if you don't want to. Stay in touch with friends. Even if you don't want to talk, you can listen to their news.

You could volunteer at the animal shelter. I walked dogs at our local shelter.

I wish you the best.

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Response to GaYellowDawg (Original post)

Tue Jun 25, 2019, 10:15 AM

48. Every time I had my heart broken I went to the bar and got drunk.

In the morning the hangover hurt worse than the broken heart.

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