Kid brother called me in tears

[NewsCenter28]

So, I live 4 hours away from my kid brother. Not really in a situation to have him come live with me due to house size. Anyway, we just finished talking. He was hysterical in tears. Apparently, his friend who was being the guarantor for his passport application acted rude to him today when he came to pick it up. He doesn’t drive because of a mild visuospatial learning disability. In 2017, my parents got tired of driving hlm around and refuse to do it anymore as they are in their 60s now and just want to enjoy their retirement.

He’s lost touch with all of his friends such as at the gym he used to go since they started to refuse to drive him places. He wants to take the bus but due to his disability, they refuse to allow him to take the bus as they fear assaults, theft, etc, and prefer that he not leave the house. They contend that him going out to one or two hockey games per week during the hockey season is all the getting out of the house that he needs.

He’s 36 and I’m 44 btw. I moved far away to get away from their control freakishness.

Anyway, he knows that if he broaches this subject and how he feels that his mom and dad will get verbally abusive with him and force him to do tons more household chores than usual in order to punish him for defying their authority.

So, as his friend seems to be tiring of him, and I am not in a position to help him, what do you see as his options? He is financially independent and has a great job but he fears that they will burn his possessions if he were to suddenly try to move out, as they would freak out and declare that he was abandoning them.

Our cousins live about the same distance as I from
him and are married with 4 children between the 2 of them.

So, my little bro is really in an impossible situation here and I’d be much obliged if DU might be able to suggest solutions:

P.S.: My little bro told me that they have told him he will be the cause of them divorcing (our parents) if he tried to force a move-out by getting police assistance, etc., and he told me that the guilt from that would destroy him.

[happyaccident]

2. He sounds like a hostage, not a family member

If he can support himself (financially and mentally) he has to leave his parents. To stay would be saying his parent's life is worth more than his. They sound mentally ill and should get help. It will only get worse as he grows bitter at his situation. He is not in an impossible situation, it can be dealt with. But he has to deal with his parent's control issues.

[LuvLoogie]

3. Has he determined which possessions he can live without?

[emmaverybo]

4. It sounds as though he will not be able to physically separate from your parents until he can

emotionally separate from them. That’s not easy for some adults who live at a distance, but he’s
exposed to them daily and has internalized their authority over him. He also has assumed responsibility for their issues and consciously or not, they are manipulating him.
He’s at a younger developmental stage, from what you say than you are since you did manage to forge your own life. It might take him quite a while.
Is he open to finding someone to talk to, maybe outside of the family, for moral support and to
help him make steps towards psychological independence?
I found a very good professional to help my daughter during a difficult time through my PCP.
The emotional journey he faces might be one that needs qualified and experienced guidance.
If he’s a member of a church he might find a trained counselor there.
Because he is vulnerable, whoever helps him needs to have training in family counseling and professional integrity.
It’s great you care so much about him.
To help him try to find him help. With his approval, you can talk to his doctor. If you have insurance that gives you counseling or even advice nurse services you can start there, seeking help for how to best support him.

[NewsCenter28]

5. Ok sounds like his crisis is under control

OK. Good news! He was worried that his boyfriend was mad at him (he wasn’t) and they are going to work on his issues with his parents together. I think a lot of his insecurity comes from the fact that he views his boyfriend as far more attractive than he is, even though he’s a pretty good looking guy himself. So, because of the parental issues, he has like this fear-of-flight whenever his boyfriend isn’t super loving. I know how much his boyfriend loves him. Wish he could get that into his own head! But that’s another story....

[emmaverybo]

6. I am glad you feel relieved. He sounds like a very sensitive person. It would be good still if you

find out about support services he could rely on in crisis for the future. Bon courage.

[NBachers]

7. So, if his friends aren't willing to drive him around, what about taxis, Uber, or Lyft?

[Lady Freedom Returns]

8. I say call their bluff.

They are saying that to control him.
Time for a reconning.