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Fri Jun 8, 2018, 01:27 AM

What's your favorite old joke?

Its Friday! What's your favorite stupid old joke?

This cowboy rides up to the saloon and thinks he might stop in for a drink. He gets off his horse, walks around to the back of the horse, lifts up the tail and then kisses the horse right on the ass. The cowboy then heads into the saloon to get himself a drink. The Bartender says, "I know it’s none of my business, but did you just kiss your horses rear end???" "Sure did", says the cowboy. "I've got chapped lips." The Bartender asks, "Does that get rid of them?" "I don't know", replies the cowboy, "But it sure stops me from licking them!"

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Reply What's your favorite old joke? (Original post)
Bayard Jun 8 OP
Duppers Jun 8 #1
jmowreader Jun 8 #2
NBachers Jun 8 #3
LakeArenal Jun 8 #4
madaboutharry Jun 8 #5
bobbieinok Jun 8 #6
LakeArenal Jun 8 #15
bobbieinok Jun 8 #16
LakeArenal Jun 8 #21
LakeArenal Jun 8 #22
Heartstrings Jun 8 #25
The Velveteen Ocelot Jun 8 #35
empedocles Jun 8 #29
bobbieinok Jun 8 #7
unblock Jun 8 #10
left-of-center2012 Jun 9 #56
Iggo Jun 9 #60
Ron Obvious Jun 10 #73
longship Jun 11 #80
VOX Jun 12 #82
retread Jun 13 #86
Rhiannon12866 Jun 8 #8
byronius Jun 8 #9
mr_lebowski Jun 8 #11
underpants Jun 8 #12
zanana1 Jun 9 #55
Rustynaerduwell Jun 8 #13
bobbieinok Jun 8 #17
woodsprite Jun 8 #27
Floyd R. Turbo Jun 8 #14
bobbieinok Jun 8 #18
Bayard Jun 8 #19
BlueSpot Jun 8 #45
red dog 1 Jun 9 #62
TlalocW Jun 8 #20
LakeArenal Jun 8 #23
TexasBushwhacker Jun 8 #32
empedocles Jun 8 #34
underpants Jun 9 #57
crazycatlady Jun 8 #24
Heartstrings Jun 8 #26
Cracklin Charlie Jun 8 #28
Ohiogal Jun 8 #30
Ohiogal Jun 8 #31
empedocles Jun 8 #33
The Velveteen Ocelot Jun 8 #36
Ohiogal Jun 8 #37
underpants Jun 9 #58
discntnt_irny_srcsm Jun 8 #38
GP6971 Jun 8 #39
Staph Jun 8 #40
discntnt_irny_srcsm Jun 9 #49
Ron Obvious Jun 8 #41
red dog 1 Jun 9 #63
cyclonefence Jun 8 #42
empedocles Jun 9 #52
Xolodno Jun 8 #43
SCantiGOP Jun 8 #44
3Hotdogs Jun 9 #46
PoindexterOglethorpe Jun 9 #47
3Hotdogs Jun 9 #48
Fortinbras Armstrong Jun 9 #50
OnDoutside Jun 9 #51
Goonch Jun 9 #53
Freddie Jun 9 #54
Bayard Jun 9 #59
red dog 1 Jun 9 #64
mitch96 Jun 9 #61
red dog 1 Jun 9 #65
DiverDave Jun 10 #66
LeftInTX Jun 10 #67
Duppers Jun 10 #68
Bayard Jun 10 #72
Duppers Jun 10 #69
Duppers Jun 10 #70
mokawanis Jun 10 #71
Stuart G Jun 11 #75
Snellius Jun 11 #74
stonecutter357 Jun 11 #76
Snellius Jun 11 #78
Stuart G Jun 11 #77
Stuart G Jun 11 #79
RoBear Jun 11 #81
Bayard Jun 12 #83
OriginalGeek Jun 12 #84
Duppers Jun 13 #85

Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 01:48 AM

1. 😂

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 02:16 AM

2. Two men drinking in a NYC skyscraper

One of them was talking about how high the buildings are.

The other one said, “the best part is the wind. The wind between the buildings is so strong, you can jump off any roof in New York and it’ll put you right back on top. I’ll show you.”

They went outside and he jumped off. Got blown back on the roof. The other guy tried it and plummeted to his death.

The bartender shook his head. “Superman, you are one mean drunk.”

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 02:26 AM

3. "How'd you get that bump on your nose?"

"I smelled a brose."

"But there's no b in rose."

"Well, there was in this one."

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Response to NBachers (Reply #3)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 02:31 AM

4. The lawyer said, Mickey, I hear you want to divorce Minnie because she is crazy.....

Mickey said... I didn't say Minnie was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy..

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Response to LakeArenal (Reply #4)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 02:33 AM

5. That's funny!

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 03:28 AM

6. As a kid loved knock knock jokes. Only one jInremember now Knock knock-

Who's there?

Cantalope.

Cantalope who?

Cantalope without a man!

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Response to bobbieinok (Reply #6)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 10:29 AM

15. I knew the punch line as...

Cantaloupe tonight, Pop’s got the car.

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Response to LakeArenal (Reply #15)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 10:53 AM

16. That's better than the one I learned. Do you know any other knockknock jokes?

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Response to bobbieinok (Reply #16)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 06:46 PM

21. One dumb one comes to mind...

Knock knock... Who’s there?

Purple. Purple who?

Knock knock... Who’s there?

Purple. Purple who?

Knock knock... Who’s there?

Orange. Orange who?
Orange you glad not to hear from purple?

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Response to bobbieinok (Reply #16)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 06:56 PM

22. And this one for the English teacher in me

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

To.

To who?

It’s to whom.

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Response to bobbieinok (Reply #16)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 07:50 PM

25. Here are a couple courtesy of Alexa....

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Juan
Juan who?
Juan is one of the loneliest numbers you'll ever know.

Knock, knock..
Who's there?
Philip
Philip who?
Philip my tank, this joke is running out of gas.

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mariachi music, let's dance!

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Response to bobbieinok (Reply #16)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 08:34 PM

35. Here's one that's a bit esoteric:

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Phillip Glass.

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Response to bobbieinok (Reply #6)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 08:05 PM

29. My best man told

a cantaloupe joke at my wedding.

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 03:31 AM

7. Years ago there were Tom Swiftie jokes. My brothers loved them. I don't remember any

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Response to bobbieinok (Reply #7)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 04:43 AM

10. "There seems to be at least one blood-sucking insect in every outhouse," said Tom aloofly.

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Response to bobbieinok (Reply #7)

Sat Jun 9, 2018, 09:39 AM

56. "Now how am I going to know what to buy at the grocery store?" Tom said listlessly.

“Don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes,” Tom said sheepishly.

https://jokes.boyslife.org/section/jokes/tom-swiftie/

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Response to left-of-center2012 (Reply #56)

Sat Jun 9, 2018, 11:17 AM

60. Oh dear gawd Boys Life.

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Response to bobbieinok (Reply #7)

Sun Jun 10, 2018, 01:48 PM

73. I've dropped my toothpaste, Tom said, crestfallen.

Come all ye faithful, Tom ejaculated.

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Response to bobbieinok (Reply #7)

Mon Jun 11, 2018, 07:10 PM

80. "I'll never use that meat grinder again, said Tom offhandedly."




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Response to bobbieinok (Reply #7)

Tue Jun 12, 2018, 04:46 AM

82. "My parents took away my BB gun, said Tom lackadaisically."

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Response to bobbieinok (Reply #7)

Wed Jun 13, 2018, 06:14 AM

86. "Sure is fun out here on this farm without any women!", said Tom sheepishly.

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 04:15 AM

8. Thank you!

Exactly what we need right now!

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 04:22 AM

9. How many Davis people does it take screw in a lightbulb?

Oh, they don't replace bulbs. They form workshops on how to cope with darkness.

Proud Davis resident, here, btw.

How do you know if someone's a vegan?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 04:51 AM

11. A Bear and a Rabbit were taking a shit in the woods ...

And the Bear says to the Rabbit ...

"Do you have a problem with shit getting stuck in your fur?"

And the Rabbit says "Why, no, actually I don't!"

...

...

So the Bear wiped his Ass with the Rabbit

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 06:03 AM

12. The snail joke

A guy is sitting in his living room reading the paper. He sees something out of the corner of his eye so he puts down the paper and sees that it's a snail moving towards the back of his house.

He picks up the snail, opens the front door, and throws it across the street. Closes the door.

Months later the same guy is sitting in his living room reading the paper and there is a knock on the front door. He gets up and and opens the door...no one is there. He looks left, he looks right, and then he looks down. It's the snail.

The snail is looking up at him and says, "WHAT THE F*CK?!?!?"

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Response to underpants (Reply #12)

Sat Jun 9, 2018, 09:30 AM

55. I love the snail joke! nt

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 07:58 AM

13. What's Irish and stays on the porch all winter?

Paddy O' Furniture

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Response to Rustynaerduwell (Reply #13)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 10:57 AM

17. What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper. Would any kid today 'get' this?

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Response to bobbieinok (Reply #17)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 08:03 PM

27. We always said a nun or penguin in a blender. n/t

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 09:38 AM

14. Me!

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 11:01 AM

18. Railroadcrossing, look out for the cars. Can you spell that without any 'r's? T-H-A-T

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 11:09 AM

19. Chuckling all the way down through these!

Here's another one:

Old Italian guy wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work for him, and the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, used to help him but was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his sont:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Vinnie

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Response to Bayard (Reply #19)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 11:58 PM

45. That's awesome

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Response to Bayard (Reply #19)

Sat Jun 9, 2018, 06:00 PM

62. Good one!

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 11:55 AM

20. How many...

How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two - one to actually change it and the other to hold the penis... LADDER! I meant ladder.

TlalocW

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Response to TlalocW (Reply #20)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 07:10 PM

23. We've been laugh at this one all day.

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Response to TlalocW (Reply #20)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 08:19 PM

32. That's awesome! n/t

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Response to TlalocW (Reply #20)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 08:23 PM

34. Good one

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Response to TlalocW (Reply #20)

Sat Jun 9, 2018, 10:01 AM

57. Yes!

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 07:34 PM

24. (old internet joke) What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

Porcupine has pricks on the outside.

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 07:53 PM

26. One our childhood favorites....

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Yea!
Pig fell in the mud.

Wanna hear a really dirty joke?
Yea!
Two pigs fell in the mud.

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 08:05 PM

28. Why can't a pony talk?

He’s a little horse.

My mom’s favorite:

Q: You know what that white stuff is in bird poop?
A: just more poop

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 08:11 PM

30. Knock, knock

Who's there?

Sam and Janet.

Sam and Janet who?

(singing). Sam and Janet Eeeeevening ...

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 08:18 PM

31. Why is a pig's tail

like getting up at 5 am?

It's twirly.

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 08:21 PM

33. The calm confidence of a Christian

holding 4 aces.

sex is only dirty, if you're doing it right

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 08:37 PM

36. Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

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Response to The Velveteen Ocelot (Reply #36)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 08:41 PM

37. I like that one!

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Response to The Velveteen Ocelot (Reply #36)

Sat Jun 9, 2018, 10:11 AM

58. 😁 --- so this guy's wife says "you never listen to me. You've ignored everything I've said"

And the guy says "that's a strange way to start a conversation"

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 08:43 PM

38. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 09:12 PM

39. Not really a joke, but

a line from Abbot and Costello

Abbot: Did you ever go to school stupid?

Costello: Yes and I came out the same way.

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 09:34 PM

40. My nephew made up this joke when he was five.

Why did the cactus cross the road?





It was stuck to the chicken!


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Response to Staph (Reply #40)

Sat Jun 9, 2018, 07:12 AM

49. That chicken really got around

Better than that gnome...

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 09:38 PM

41. Ozzy humour

A newly-arrived Australian soldier reports for duty to his British commanding officer in the midst of one the most Hellish battles of WW1.

The grizzled, shell-shocked officer looks the fresh-faced young soldier up and down, and asks:

"Hello, son. Have you come to die?"

The soldier replies:

"No sir. I came yesterdie."

(read it out loud)

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Response to Ron Obvious (Reply #41)

Sat Jun 9, 2018, 06:05 PM

63. That one made me laugh out loud!

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 09:44 PM

42. What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

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Response to cyclonefence (Reply #42)

Sat Jun 9, 2018, 08:26 AM

52. Om

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 10:56 PM

43. Here's a couple...

Two potatoes on a street corner, which one is the prostitute?

The one that says "I-da-ho"

-------------------------

This one will get me in trouble;

How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to hold the light bulb the other drinks until the room starts spinning.

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Fri Jun 8, 2018, 11:08 PM

44. Cat walks into a saloon with one foot bandaged


Walks to the bar and says, "I'm here to find the man who shot my paw."

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Response to Bayard (Original post)


Response to Bayard (Original post)

Sat Jun 9, 2018, 12:08 AM

47. I hope I can tell this one.

It's an oldie, you may all know it, but when I told it to the attorney I used to work for who'd come to this country as a teen from Peru, he'd never heard it and laughed harder than I would have thought possible.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are fleeing a band of Indians. Eventually they are surrounded and the Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "I'm sorry, old friend, it looks like this is the end." Tonto looks at the Indians, looks back at the Lone Ranger and says, "What you mean WE white man?"

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Sat Jun 9, 2018, 12:09 AM

48. Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire after a long day.

The conversation goes to the kind of dogs they own.

Rusty: "I got me a Collie because when I was a kid, I watched Lassie and Lassie used to help Jeff get out of all sorts of trouble. That's why I got me a Collie." I remember the time Jeff fell down the well and Lassie went home and got help and saved Jeff."


Lefty: "I got me a German Sheppard because when I was a kid, I used to watch Rin-Tin-Tin and Rinnie used to always help Rusty get out of trouble. Why I remember the time Rusty was captured by Indians and.....

--- how 'bout you, Shorty, what kinda dog you got"

Shorty: "I got me a dachshund. I got him because one time I heard this guy on the radio singing something about 'get a long, little doggie."


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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Sat Jun 9, 2018, 08:18 AM

50. What's purple and commutes

An Abelian grape.

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Sat Jun 9, 2018, 08:23 AM

51. Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Tiger replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Stevie says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Tiger, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Tiger thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Sat Jun 9, 2018, 08:30 AM

53. Fattest Pig Contest



One day 3 farmers are coming back from town when they see a sign for the County Fair coming next month, right below the main advert is another for a Fattest Pig Contest. The farmers have pigs on their farm so they think they should enter.

When they get back to the farm the first farmer goes "Let's get the fattest pig we have" the second says "And lets feed him a lot every day till the competition" the third one goes "And let's plug him up back there with a cork to keep him from getting any skinnier".

So the farmers get a cork, plug their fattest pig up back there and begin feeding him copious amounts of food every day for a month. When it's time for the competition, they load him up into the back of their truck (after much struggle) and drive to the fair grounds. As you might think, their pig is the biggest there by a mile and they win the contest.

When they get back to the farm they realize they're kind of stuck with this really gigantic pig with a cork plugging it up and it looks like it's about to burst. They ask themselves who's going to be the one to unplug it. They all look at one another and say at the same "Not me". So they come up with the brilliant idea of buying a monkey and teaching it to unplug corks.

So they return to the fair ground and buy a monkey with some of their winnings from the contest. They start training it to uncork, on command, smaller things like wine bottles first, moving on to larger things like barrels. After a while they feel confident enough in their monkey's ability and take him and the pig outside to a large field.

They set the monkey next to the pig and first farmer says "You know what, I'm going to stand 10 feet back for this." The second says "Well I'm going to play it safer and stand 50 feet back." The third one goes "And I'm going to play it even safer and stand 100 feet back."

The moment of truth comes and they give the command to the monkey to unplug the cork from the pig.

The farmer standing 100 feet back closes his eyes as the command is given. He hears a roaring sound like a waterfall and when he opens his eyes he sees he's standing up to his ankles in pig shit. He runs to the farmer who stood 50 feet back and he's up to his waist in pig shit. After digging him out they run to the farmer who stood only 10 feet back, and he's in pig shit up to his neck but he's laughing hysterically.

He keeps on laughing as they're digging him out they ask "How could you be laughing so hard?" "Yeah, you're in pig shit up to your neck!" to which he replies "Yes, but you should've seen the look on the face of the monkey as he tried to put the cork back in!"

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Sat Jun 9, 2018, 08:56 AM

54. Paddy goes to the pub in Dublin

Orders 3 pints of Guinness, drinks then all, and leaves. This goes on for a number of days. Finally the bartender asks, "why do you order 3 pints at once?"
The man replies "the other 2 pints are for my brothers. One is in America and one is in Australia, and we promised we'd still have a beer together whenever we could."
After a while everyone in the tavern knew about Paddy and his brothers, and thought it was grand.
One day Paddy comes in, orders only 2 pints, and drinks them. He does this for a couple days and folks get concerned. Finally the bartender says, "I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. You have our condolences."
Paddy replies "no need, my brothers are fine! But I'm giving up the pint for Lent."

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Sat Jun 9, 2018, 11:14 AM

59. Another old pig joke (the joke, not the pig!)

A travelling salesman drove past a farm one day and noticed a pig with one wooden leg. He didn't think much of it until a week later, driving by the same farm, the pig had two wooden legs. The third week, the pig had three wooden legs, and finally, after seeing the pig the fourth week with four wooden legs, he had to stop to inquire about it.

He tracked down the farmer and asked him about the strange sight. The farmer told him, "Well, that's the greatest pig alive. About a month ago, he saved my wife and kids and me from our burning house by waking us up in the middle of the night just in time to escape without any harm!"

The salesman continue to prod the farmer about the pig's wooden legs. "Well," the farmer replied, "this pig is just like one of the family. He's a really great pig. A couple of weeks ago, our youngest boy fell in the creek, and this truly wonderful pig fished him out just in time to save him from drowning! He's one really great pig!"

The salesman, starting to lose his patience, again inquired about the wooden legs, to which the farmer replied, "Last week, I fell off my horse and my foot got caught up in the stirrup. This great pig ran along side of the horse and me and untangled me and truly saved my life. What a great pig - the greatest pig in the world!!"

Losing his patience, the salesman finally shouted, "All right already, That's enough! He's a really great pig - a REALLY great pig! But what about his wooden legs?!"

Farmer replied, "Well now, a great pig like that - you don't eat him all at once!"

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Response to Bayard (Reply #59)

Sat Jun 9, 2018, 06:37 PM

64. Speaking of pig jokes....

Last edited Sat Jun 9, 2018, 07:56 PM - Edit history (2)

Although it's not an "old joke"



President Trump decided to take a quiet ride in his limo, to "get away from it all" for a while.
He told his limo driver to just drive around the rural back roads.
Suddenly a pig ran out in front of the limo and the driver couldn't stop in time, so the limo ran over the pig, killing it.
After stopping, getting out, and checking to see if the pig was still alive, the driver told Trump that the pig was dead.
Trump told the driver to walk up the driveway to the nearby farmhouse and tell the farmer what had happened.
So the driver headed up the long driveway to the farmhouse.
After about an hour, the driver staggered back down the driveway, his clothes in tatters, holding a cigar in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other.
"What the hell happened to you?" asked Trump, angrily.
"Well," said the driver, "The farmer gave me a cigar, his wife gave me a bottle of wine, and his 19-year-old daughter made wild, passionate love to me for over 45 minutes."
"My God," replied Trump, "What did you say to them?"
The driver replied, "I told them I was President Trump's driver and I killed the pig"

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Sat Jun 9, 2018, 12:06 PM

61. why is poop tapered?

So your butt hole don't slam shut when you take a dump...

I don't know why (prolly my infantile brain kicks in) but I chuckle when I think of this joke...


m

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Sat Jun 9, 2018, 06:41 PM

65. Here's an old "walks into a bar joke"

A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder.
The bartender says, "Where'd you get that?"
The frog replies, "Brooklyn..There's hundreds of 'em"

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Sun Jun 10, 2018, 12:07 AM

66. Irish Potato and Idaho potato

Had a daughter named Sweet Potato. She was dating Tom Brokaw. She asked her dad if she could marry him. He said NO! She cried"but why?" He replied: Because he's a common tater.
From phone a groan, 1972.

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Sun Jun 10, 2018, 12:40 AM

67. What happened to the Indian who drank too much tea?

He died in his Tea-Pee

(Courtesy of my mom)

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Sun Jun 10, 2018, 03:10 AM

68. The Village Tavern

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together
over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around There again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye
on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'


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Response to Duppers (Reply #68)

Sun Jun 10, 2018, 12:01 PM

72. Ding ding ding!

We have a winner!

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Sun Jun 10, 2018, 03:16 AM

69. Smartyass lawyer

A lawyer asks the judge "Judge, what would happen if I called you an asshole?"

The judge replied: "I would jail you for contempt of court."

The lawyer counters: "what would happen if I just think you are an asshole?"

The judge replies, "nothing."

So the lawyer says, "let the record show I think the judge is an asshole."


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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Sun Jun 10, 2018, 03:39 AM

70. Crusty old parrot

Dave bought himself an old parrot from an aging seaman for his birthday. Well, this parrot came with bad attitude and worse than expected vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity.

So, in a moment of desperation, Dave put the bird in the freezer, just for a few
moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet. Worried that he might have hurt the bird, he quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

Dave was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change
when the parrot continued,
"Sir, may I be so bold as to ask what the
chicken did?"


🐔 cluck cluck cluck




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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Sun Jun 10, 2018, 11:12 AM

71. When I was born the doc told my mom "that sure is an ugly baby!"

My mom was very offended by his comment and told him she wanted a second opinion, so he said "ok lady, you're ugly too!"

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Response to mokawanis (Reply #71)

Mon Jun 11, 2018, 05:57 PM

75. A local housing inspector is having trouble figuring out out to check out a particular apartment

building ....Here are the problems he faced...

On the 1st Floor the temperature inside that floor was 140 degrees...Much too hot...

On the 2nd Floor 6 ferocious hungry dogs were waiting to maul him, then eat him up.. (rumors were that the dogs had not eaten in weeks...

On the 3rd Floor Sand was piled to the top of the ceiling in all the rooms and spaces...

On the 4th Floor There was a terrible witch that would turn the inspector into a tiny ant, then the witch would swat the inspector with her broom and that would be the end of him....

SO HOW DID HE GET INTO THE APARTMENT??????????????

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

KEEP ON SCROLLING DOWN.....THE ANSWER IS THERE, ..............

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

OK ............................................NOW ONE MORE...............................................................

ARE YOU READY? how did the inspector get into the apartment..............................................

He ate a ................Hot Dog Sand Witch..........Hotdog Sandwitch (yes, worth waiting for) The first time I heard that one was in 1954....yes it is old..... what else is new????????????? Now it is a clean joke, and I heard it told by a fellow student in 3rd grade.....I even remember who told it...so there..

Stuart G................ oh, it really wasn't that bad.... was it?

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Mon Jun 11, 2018, 04:54 PM

74. Norman Mailer Joke (WARNING PROFANE!)

Years ago I heard Norman Mailer give a talk. The punch line was a joke, with which he teased the audience as too dirty to tell. Of course, after the obligatory pleading, he finally did (uncensored for the sake of historical accuracy):

"I went out to a restaurant and saw my ex-wife sitting at another table with her new husband. I went over to her and asked 'How's that new dick in that worn-out old pussy of yours.' 'Great,' she answered, 'once he gets past the worn-out part.'"

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Mon Jun 11, 2018, 06:10 PM

76. what is red and green and goes 100 mph ?

A frog in a blender !

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Response to stonecutter357 (Reply #76)

Mon Jun 11, 2018, 06:16 PM

78. what is yellow and green and goes backwards100 mph ?

[inhale quickly through your nose.]

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Mon Jun 11, 2018, 06:13 PM

77. A Joke about Driving Too Slow

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state
police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph in a 50 mph zone.. He thinks to himself, "This
driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls
the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers"

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says quite proudly. The state police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, NOT .. the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned sheepishly and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask...is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer says with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, Officer...... We just got off Route 119

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Mon Jun 11, 2018, 06:30 PM

79. Very short joke about HELL !!!!!.....yes it is clean.......


A young lady came home from a date rather sad. She told her mother,
"He proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there is a hell..
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is.

__________________________________________________________________________________


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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Mon Jun 11, 2018, 07:32 PM

81. Why do farts smell?

So the deaf can enjoy them too...

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Tue Jun 12, 2018, 04:17 PM

83. Ahh....fart jokes

An old woman goes to her doctor complaining of having, "silent gas".

She describes her symptoms, then asks, "What do you think, Doctor?"

He says, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check your hearing."

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Tue Jun 12, 2018, 05:28 PM

84. My grandpa on my mom's side died when I Was 7

But I have very fond memories of visiting him in Florida many times. Every time I came to visit he would tell me this joke:

"How do you get down off an elephant?"
"i dunno"
"You DON'T! You get down off a duck!"

and I would laugh and laugh and he would laugh because I was laughing but I was laughing because I didn't get the joke (It was a few more years after he died I actually realized what "down" was). I just thought it was funny because there was a person on an elephant and a person on a duck and only the guy on the duck could get down. I was basically laughing at a guy stuck up on an elephant.

I don't know if he knew I didn't get it or just thought it was funny to make me laugh but that has always been my favorite joke.

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Response to Bayard (Original post)

Wed Jun 13, 2018, 04:59 AM

85. Groucho: 11 kids, uh? Why so many?

Contestant: "Well, I love my wife."

Groucho: "I love my cigar too, but I take it out once in awhile."


Too blue?

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