The DU Lounge
Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsWhat's your favorite "walks into a bar" joke?
A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder and the bartender says "Where'd you get him?"
The frog answers: "Brooklyn, there's hundreds of 'em."
muntrv
(14,505 posts)The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
red dog 1
(27,647 posts)the bartender says: "Did..did you just talk?"
"Yes I did, why?' says the horse
The bartender says: "That's just incredible...I've never seen a talking horse...You should go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"
The horse replies: "Why? Are they short on electricians?"
mahatmakanejeeves
(56,874 posts)red dog 1
(27,647 posts)The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells "Hey!"
The horse says, "You read my mind, Buddy."
Docreed2003
(16,817 posts)CurtEastPoint
(18,548 posts)Why the long face?
red dog 1
(27,647 posts)Ptah
(32,983 posts)Sailor65x1
(554 posts)The third one ducks.
sdfernando
(4,896 posts)Two Nuns walk into are bar.....the 3rd one ducks.
CurtEastPoint
(18,548 posts)and put it on my bill!
underpants
(182,270 posts)The bartender says: "we don't serve your kind in here"
The mushroom says: "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"
Fungi
SwissTony
(2,560 posts)Hey, it happens occasionally.
liberalhistorian
(20,809 posts)they IN the bar?? If it were some in my family, it would have been about 14 hours, LOL.
lame54
(35,130 posts)liberalhistorian
(20,809 posts)good point!
unblock
(51,973 posts)... i'll just skip to the punch line...
... no, i'm a frayed knot!
CurtEastPoint
(18,548 posts)So a piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink...
Bartender takes one look at it and yells, "Get out of here! We don't serve string!"
Saddened, the piece of string goes outside, thinks for a moment, then starts unraveling itself before it ties itself up in a knot and walks back into the bar and orders a drink...
Bartender says, "Hey! Aren't you the piece of string I just kicked out of here a minute ago?
Piece of string replies..."No, I'm a frayed knot"...
CurtEastPoint
(18,548 posts)One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny
piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The
bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish.
The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside. Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed "I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks."
The bartender shook his head and replied, "You're telling me... Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
LuckyCharms
(17,278 posts)The pony sits down and orders a beer.
Bartender says to the pony: Excuse me, I'll be right back.
Bartender runs into the kitchen and yells: Hey guys, come out here and see this. There's a pony sitting at the bar, and he's hung like a horse.
red dog 1
(27,647 posts)A goat walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "We don't serve kids."
Gidney N Cloyd
(19,780 posts)...and the priest says "Hey, did you hear the one about us?
Response to Gidney N Cloyd (Reply #13)
PJMcK This message was self-deleted by its author.
connecticut yankee
(1,728 posts)A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says -- "What is this? A joke?"
longship
(40,416 posts)The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
The Velveteen Ocelot
(115,267 posts)and orders a drink. When he finishes his drink, the bartender asks him if he would like another. Descartes replies, I think not, and immediately disappears.
red dog 1
(27,647 posts)One cowboy is telling another cowboy about how smart his horse is.
"He can do math, he can do geography, he can do languages..but I just can't teach him philosophy."
"Why not?' the other cowboy replies.
"Well, you can't put Descartes before the horse."
cyclonefence
(4,483 posts)and says, "I like your stools."
red dog 1
(27,647 posts)(Speaking of insects)
A Black Widow walks into a bar, and the bartender says: "What's your poison?"
cyclonefence
(4,483 posts)A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."
(both jokes stolen from Prairie Home Companion, btw)
red dog 1
(27,647 posts)It's the long version of yours
cyclonefence
(4,483 posts)red dog 1
(27,647 posts)(I think this one was from the movie)
"Oly goes to his friend's house and says: "Oh, I think my wife died."
His friend replies: "What do you mean, you 'think' she died?"
Oly replies: "Well, the sex is the same; but the dishes are piling up!"
mahatmakanejeeves
(56,874 posts)cyclonefence
(4,483 posts)red dog 1
(27,647 posts)Botany
(70,281 posts)The bartender says we don't serve your kind and shoots the dog in the foot.
The dog goes to the vet and gets fixed up and then the dog works out for 2 years .....
running up hills as he carries a log in his mouth, swimming across swift rivers w/a
100 lbs of stone in a back pack, and getting his teeth replaced with sharpened titanium
..... the dog goes back into the same bar ..... the same bartender who shot him is working
and asks if he wanted a beer. The dog looked at the bartender and said, "I'm looking for
the man who shot my paw."
Botany
(70,281 posts)... the bartender said, "are you here to talk adoptions?."
red dog 1
(27,647 posts)red dog 1
(27,647 posts)and the bartender says: " Nice to see you, Senator Cruz."
Leghorn21
(13,520 posts)"What'll it be, Mr. President?"
(stolen golden oldie, seems to compliment your scenario, B!)
The Velveteen Ocelot
(115,267 posts)and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Before long the police arrive. They arrest the cowboy for rustling.
red dog 1
(27,647 posts)fierywoman
(7,641 posts)red dog 1
(27,647 posts)fierywoman
(7,641 posts)my students think this until I correct them. "Minor" is determined by the distance between two notes that have one note in between, and the distance is what we call a step and a half. "Major" is the same two notes but they have two whole steps between them. It's wooly, arcane, ancient stuff.
red dog 1
(27,647 posts)One, two, a-one, two, three, four
fierywoman
(7,641 posts)red dog 1
(27,647 posts)The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
red dog 1
(27,647 posts)It was tense.
zanana1
(6,084 posts)Beakybird
(3,329 posts)... and says, "Where is the bar tender? "
COLGATE4
(14,732 posts)The bartender looks at him and asks "Why the long face???"
missingthebigdog
(1,233 posts)Sit down, and discuss the Bechdel test.
Mayberry Machiavelli
(21,096 posts)red dog 1
(27,647 posts)Kevin Spacey walks into a bar, and the bartender says: "I thought they replaced you with
Christopher Plummer."
fierywoman
(7,641 posts)C_U_L8R
(44,889 posts)and the bartender says "what'll you have, President Trump?"
edbermac
(15,919 posts)But they are unaware of their surroundings so to derive humor from it would be exploitative.
Skittles
(152,963 posts)do I even need to finish?
Leghorn21
(13,520 posts)oswaldactedalone
(3,489 posts)And says to the bartender, Bartender, gimme some gin. The bartender tries to embarrass the drunk by saying, Ive got three kinds of gin, oxygin, hydrogin, and nitrogin.
The drunk says to the bartender, Bartender, where I come from we got three kinds of turds, custurd, musturd, and you ya big shit, now gimme some gin!
Hassin Bin Sober
(26,271 posts)Thor_MN
(11,843 posts)BoneyardDem
(1,202 posts)A HERETIC I AM
(24,317 posts)And loudly proclaims...
"I dare anyone to hit me in the face with this shovel"
Guy at the end says ...
"If I hit you it will kill you"
Magician says ...
"Naaaah...it's a magic trick. Go ahead"
The guy grabs the shovel and ....W H A C K! Right in the face.
Ten years later the Magician wakes up out of his coma and says ...
"TAAA DAAAAH!!
CelticCrow
(53 posts)A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, "replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first..."
red dog 1
(27,647 posts)Welcome to DU!
mahatmakanejeeves
(56,874 posts)Brother Buzz
(36,212 posts)Lochloosa
(16,018 posts)Paladin
(28,202 posts)...and the bartender takes one look at her and asks "Hey, why the long face?"
(The End)
red dog 1
(27,647 posts)and the bartender says: "May I see some id?"
Kablooie
(18,571 posts)Fails it and is disbarred.
Guilded Lilly
(5,591 posts)A piece of asphalt under his arm.
The bartender comes over and asks
Whatll it be?
The guy says oh, Ill take one for me and one for the road
Arkansas Granny
(31,483 posts)The frog says, "Would you believe it? Two weeks ago this was a wart on my ass."
tecelote
(5,122 posts)They all order a beer and as soon as they do, a fly falls into each of their beer.
The Englishman pushes the beer away and orders a new one.
The American laughs and just drinks his beer.
The Aussie grabs the fly and yells "Give it back!".
yagotme
(2,847 posts)and walked into a BAR??
(Browning Automatic Rifle, for non-history/military buffs)
Guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich. Orders a scotch on the rocks. Bartender says "$3.75". Man reaches into pocket, comes out with exact change. This goes on every day for a week. Irregardless of drink ordered, man has exact change in his pocket. After several days, bartender asks him about the $. He said "Well I found this old bottle, rubbed it, and a genie came out and gave me 2 wishes. The first wish was, every time I go into a bar, and order a drink, I'll have exact change in my pocket." "So, where does the ostrich fit into all this?" "Well, that was my second wish." "What??? You wished for an ostrich?" "No, I wished for a chick with long legs."
That one is hilarious!
yagotme
(2,847 posts)I'll be here all week. Remember to tip your waitress.
TeamPooka
(24,155 posts)He hops up on a stool and the bartender says Hey, we have a drink named after you.
The grasshopper says You have a drink named Sylvester?
red dog 1
(27,647 posts)The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Irving?"
TeamPooka
(24,155 posts)LanternWaste
(37,748 posts)A Baptist, an Imam and an atheist walk into a bar and have a great time because none of them were jerks.
crazycatlady
(4,492 posts)The bartender responds--- "What can I get you Mr. President?"
His response-- a White Russian.
Permanut
(5,436 posts)Looks kinda young, so the bartender says "You got any I D?"
Redneck says "about what?"
mercuryblues
(14,489 posts)all the women were too old for him. He left and went to the high school.
zipplewrath
(16,646 posts)First brewer from Budweiser steps up and says "Give me the King of Beers, I'll have a Budweiser".
Bartender pours him one and next steps up the brewer from Coors. "Take me back to the Rockies. I'll have a Coors".
Bartender pours his drink and looks at the brewer from Guinness. "What'll ya have?" he asks.
"Ah, I'll have a diet coke".
"What? the bartender says. "All you want is a Diet Coke?"
"Well, if these guys aren't drinking beer, I won't either."
Motley13
(3,867 posts)lapfog_1
(29,166 posts)Ain't evolution wonderful.
Binkie The Clown
(7,911 posts)The bartender says "we don't serve your kind in here."
A time traveler walks into a bar.
or....
A magician walked down the street and turned into a bar.