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What's your favorite "walks into a bar" joke? (Original Post) red dog 1 Nov 2017 OP
A horse walks into a bar muntrv Nov 2017 #1
A horse walks into a bar and orders a Scotch on the rocks, red dog 1 Nov 2017 #19
You made me laugh. Thanks. NT mahatmakanejeeves Nov 2017 #58
A horse walks into a bar. red dog 1 Nov 2017 #24
Lol! Beat me to it!! Docreed2003 Nov 2017 #51
Celine Dion walks into a bar and the bartender says... CurtEastPoint Nov 2017 #2
Good one! red dog 1 Nov 2017 #12
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop." Ptah Nov 2017 #3
Two guys walk into a bar... Sailor65x1 Nov 2017 #4
This is my favorite but my spin goes sdfernando Nov 2017 #84
(variation) A duck walks into a CVS and says, "Gimme some chapstick..." CurtEastPoint Nov 2017 #5
A mushroom walks into a bar underpants Nov 2017 #6
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar. SwissTony Nov 2017 #7
Yeah, but how long were liberalhistorian Nov 2017 #68
But they usually crawl (or get carried) out lame54 Nov 2017 #73
LOL, liberalhistorian Nov 2017 #86
a string walks into a bar... unblock Nov 2017 #8
So a piece of string.... CurtEastPoint Nov 2017 #9
One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement.... CurtEastPoint Nov 2017 #10
A pony walks into a bar. LuckyCharms Nov 2017 #11
Nice one! red dog 1 Nov 2017 #37
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar... Gidney N Cloyd Nov 2017 #13
This message was self-deleted by its author PJMcK Nov 2017 #77
A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar connecticut yankee Nov 2017 #14
A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar. longship Nov 2017 #34
Rene Descartes walks into a bar The Velveteen Ocelot Nov 2017 #15
Speaking of Rene, red dog 1 Nov 2017 #20
A fly walks into a bar cyclonefence Nov 2017 #16
I like that one red dog 1 Nov 2017 #30
How about cyclonefence Nov 2017 #32
See reply # 17, (right below this one) red dog 1 Nov 2017 #48
I kinda think mine (well, Garrison Keillor's) is better cyclonefence Nov 2017 #55
Speaking of Prairie Home Companion, red dog 1 Nov 2017 #56
Another good one. NT mahatmakanejeeves Nov 2017 #59
Excellent cyclonefence Nov 2017 #61
I think so too. red dog 1 Nov 2017 #67
A dog walks into a bar and orders a beer. Botany Nov 2017 #17
Donald Trump Jr., Paul Manafort, and a Russian lawyer walk into a bar and ... Botany Nov 2017 #18
Good one! red dog 1 Nov 2017 #22
A Canadian, a Texan and a tea bagger walk into a bar... red dog 1 Nov 2017 #25
A mobster, a pathological liar, and a sex offender walk into a bar. Bartender says, Leghorn21 Nov 2017 #33
Burn! mahina Nov 2017 #43
A cowboy walks into a bar The Velveteen Ocelot Nov 2017 #21
E-flat walks into a bar, the bartender says: "Sorry,we don't serve minors." red dog 1 Nov 2017 #23
Sorry, but a E flat isn't minor, it's just E flat, the location of a tone (sound) fierywoman Nov 2017 #82
Shows how much I know about music red dog 1 Nov 2017 #89
The vast majority of people who aren't musicians think a flat means minor. ALL fierywoman Nov 2017 #90
How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? red dog 1 Nov 2017 #91
Good one!(sigh. coulda been MUCH worse!) fierywoman Nov 2017 #92
A sandwich walks into a bar. red dog 1 Nov 2017 #26
The past, present and future walk into a bar. red dog 1 Nov 2017 #27
I love that one! nt zanana1 Nov 2017 #87
A termite walks into a bar ... Beakybird Nov 2017 #28
A horse walks into a bar COLGATE4 Nov 2017 #29
Lucy and Ethel walk into a bar, missingthebigdog Nov 2017 #31
A Sikh, an atheist and a trans woman walk into a bar. Mayberry Machiavelli Nov 2017 #35
Excellent! red dog 1 Nov 2017 #38
I was hoping to see this one, my favorite! fierywoman Nov 2017 #83
A mobster, a racist, and a narcissist walk into a bar C_U_L8R Nov 2017 #36
Three blind mice walk into a bar... edbermac Nov 2017 #39
an orange asshole walks into a bar Skittles Nov 2017 #40
NYET! nt Leghorn21 Nov 2017 #45
A drunk stumbles into a bar oswaldactedalone Nov 2017 #41
A giraffe walks in to a bar and says "the highballs are on me!!" Hassin Bin Sober Nov 2017 #42
A dyslexic walks into a bra. Thor_MN Nov 2017 #44
Ok...that was good😅 BoneyardDem Nov 2017 #88
A Magician walks into a bar... A HERETIC I AM Nov 2017 #46
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey CelticCrow Nov 2017 #47
Good one! red dog 1 Nov 2017 #49
That's awful. Thanks. mahatmakanejeeves Nov 2017 #60
I'm modestly savvy when it comes to jokes, but I did not see that one coming Brother Buzz Nov 2017 #62
Nice...and welcome to DU Lochloosa Nov 2017 #64
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar..... Paladin Nov 2017 #50
Ego and Superego walk into a bar, red dog 1 Nov 2017 #52
A lawyer walks into a bar... Kablooie Nov 2017 #53
A guy walks into a bar with... Guilded Lilly Nov 2017 #54
A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender says, "Where'd you get that?". Arkansas Granny Nov 2017 #57
An American, an Englishman and an Australian walk in to a bar. tecelote Nov 2017 #63
Didja hear the one about the German soldier walkin through the woods... yagotme Nov 2017 #65
LOL red dog 1 Nov 2017 #66
Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. yagotme Nov 2017 #69
A grasshopper walks into a bar TeamPooka Nov 2017 #70
I heard that joke before, but the grasshopper had a different name red dog 1 Nov 2017 #71
There are many variations TeamPooka Nov 2017 #72
A Baptist, an Imam and an atheist walk into a bar and have a great time LanternWaste Nov 2017 #74
A con man, a Nazi, and a womanizer walk into a bar crazycatlady Nov 2017 #75
Redneck walks into a bar.. Permanut Nov 2017 #76
Roy Moore walks into a bar mercuryblues Nov 2017 #78
3 Brewers walk into a bar zipplewrath Nov 2017 #79
2 Corinthians walk into a bar, the moron quoting his favorite verse Motley13 Nov 2017 #80
An amoeba walks into a bar lapfog_1 Nov 2017 #81
so... Binkie The Clown Nov 2017 #85

red dog 1

(27,647 posts)
19. A horse walks into a bar and orders a Scotch on the rocks,
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 07:05 PM
Nov 2017

the bartender says: "Did..did you just talk?"
"Yes I did, why?' says the horse
The bartender says: "That's just incredible...I've never seen a talking horse...You should go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"
The horse replies: "Why? Are they short on electricians?"

red dog 1

(27,647 posts)
24. A horse walks into a bar.
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 07:36 PM
Nov 2017

The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells "Hey!"
The horse says, "You read my mind, Buddy."

underpants

(182,270 posts)
6. A mushroom walks into a bar
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 06:37 PM
Nov 2017

The bartender says: "we don't serve your kind in here"

The mushroom says: "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

Fungi

liberalhistorian

(20,809 posts)
68. Yeah, but how long were
Sat Nov 11, 2017, 05:12 PM
Nov 2017

they IN the bar?? If it were some in my family, it would have been about 14 hours, LOL.

CurtEastPoint

(18,548 posts)
9. So a piece of string....
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 06:40 PM
Nov 2017

So a piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink...
Bartender takes one look at it and yells, "Get out of here! We don't serve string!"

Saddened, the piece of string goes outside, thinks for a moment, then starts unraveling itself before it ties itself up in a knot and walks back into the bar and orders a drink...

Bartender says, "Hey! Aren't you the piece of string I just kicked out of here a minute ago?

Piece of string replies..."No, I'm a frayed knot"...

CurtEastPoint

(18,548 posts)
10. One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement....
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 06:42 PM
Nov 2017

One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny
piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The
bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish.

The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside. Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed "I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks."

The bartender shook his head and replied, "You're telling me... Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

LuckyCharms

(17,278 posts)
11. A pony walks into a bar.
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 06:44 PM
Nov 2017

The pony sits down and orders a beer.

Bartender says to the pony: Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Bartender runs into the kitchen and yells: Hey guys, come out here and see this. There's a pony sitting at the bar, and he's hung like a horse.

Gidney N Cloyd

(19,780 posts)
13. A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar...
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 06:52 PM
Nov 2017

...and the priest says "Hey, did you hear the one about us?

Response to Gidney N Cloyd (Reply #13)

connecticut yankee

(1,728 posts)
14. A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 06:53 PM
Nov 2017

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender says -- "What is this? A joke?"

The Velveteen Ocelot

(115,267 posts)
15. Rene Descartes walks into a bar
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 06:59 PM
Nov 2017

and orders a drink. When he finishes his drink, the bartender asks him if he would like another. Descartes replies, “I think not,” and immediately disappears.

red dog 1

(27,647 posts)
20. Speaking of Rene,
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 07:12 PM
Nov 2017

One cowboy is telling another cowboy about how smart his horse is.
"He can do math, he can do geography, he can do languages..but I just can't teach him philosophy."
"Why not?' the other cowboy replies.
"Well, you can't put Descartes before the horse."

red dog 1

(27,647 posts)
30. I like that one
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 08:04 PM
Nov 2017

(Speaking of insects)

A Black Widow walks into a bar, and the bartender says: "What's your poison?"

cyclonefence

(4,483 posts)
32. How about
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 08:06 PM
Nov 2017

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

(both jokes stolen from Prairie Home Companion, btw)

red dog 1

(27,647 posts)
56. Speaking of Prairie Home Companion,
Fri Nov 10, 2017, 03:55 PM
Nov 2017

(I think this one was from the movie)

"Oly goes to his friend's house and says: "Oh, I think my wife died."
His friend replies: "What do you mean, you 'think' she died?"
Oly replies: "Well, the sex is the same; but the dishes are piling up!"

Botany

(70,281 posts)
17. A dog walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 07:01 PM
Nov 2017

The bartender says we don't serve your kind and shoots the dog in the foot.

The dog goes to the vet and gets fixed up and then the dog works out for 2 years .....
running up hills as he carries a log in his mouth, swimming across swift rivers w/a
100 lbs of stone in a back pack, and getting his teeth replaced with sharpened titanium
..... the dog goes back into the same bar ..... the same bartender who shot him is working
and asks if he wanted a beer. The dog looked at the bartender and said, "I'm looking for
the man who shot my paw."

Botany

(70,281 posts)
18. Donald Trump Jr., Paul Manafort, and a Russian lawyer walk into a bar and ...
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 07:04 PM
Nov 2017

... the bartender said, "are you here to talk adoptions?."

red dog 1

(27,647 posts)
25. A Canadian, a Texan and a tea bagger walk into a bar...
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 07:39 PM
Nov 2017

and the bartender says: " Nice to see you, Senator Cruz."

Leghorn21

(13,520 posts)
33. A mobster, a pathological liar, and a sex offender walk into a bar. Bartender says,
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 08:10 PM
Nov 2017

"What'll it be, Mr. President?"

(stolen golden oldie, seems to compliment your scenario, B!)

The Velveteen Ocelot

(115,267 posts)
21. A cowboy walks into a bar
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 07:13 PM
Nov 2017

and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Before long the police arrive. They arrest the cowboy for rustling.

fierywoman

(7,641 posts)
90. The vast majority of people who aren't musicians think a flat means minor. ALL
Wed Nov 15, 2017, 09:31 PM
Nov 2017

my students think this until I correct them. "Minor" is determined by the distance between two notes that have one note in between, and the distance is what we call a step and a half. "Major" is the same two notes but they have two whole steps between them. It's wooly, arcane, ancient stuff.

Mayberry Machiavelli

(21,096 posts)
35. A Sikh, an atheist and a trans woman walk into a bar.
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 08:13 PM
Nov 2017



They all had a drink together to celebrate their election victories!

red dog 1

(27,647 posts)
38. Excellent!
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 08:48 PM
Nov 2017

Kevin Spacey walks into a bar, and the bartender says: "I thought they replaced you with
Christopher Plummer."

C_U_L8R

(44,889 posts)
36. A mobster, a racist, and a narcissist walk into a bar
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 08:16 PM
Nov 2017

and the bartender says "what'll you have, President Trump?"

edbermac

(15,919 posts)
39. Three blind mice walk into a bar...
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 08:51 PM
Nov 2017

But they are unaware of their surroundings so to derive humor from it would be exploitative.

oswaldactedalone

(3,489 posts)
41. A drunk stumbles into a bar
Thu Nov 9, 2017, 09:53 PM
Nov 2017

And says to the bartender, “Bartender, gimme some gin.” The bartender tries to embarrass the drunk by saying, “I’ve got three kinds of gin, oxygin, hydrogin, and nitrogin.”

The drunk says to the bartender, “Bartender, where I come from we got three kinds of turds, custurd, musturd, and you ya big shit, now gimme some gin!”

A HERETIC I AM

(24,317 posts)
46. A Magician walks into a bar...
Fri Nov 10, 2017, 02:37 AM
Nov 2017

And loudly proclaims...

"I dare anyone to hit me in the face with this shovel"

Guy at the end says ...

"If I hit you it will kill you"

Magician says ...

"Naaaah...it's a magic trick. Go ahead"

The guy grabs the shovel and ....W H A C K! Right in the face.
Ten years later the Magician wakes up out of his coma and says ...

"TAAA DAAAAH!!

CelticCrow

(53 posts)
47. A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey
Fri Nov 10, 2017, 01:26 PM
Nov 2017

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, "replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first..."

Paladin

(28,202 posts)
50. Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar.....
Fri Nov 10, 2017, 03:19 PM
Nov 2017

...and the bartender takes one look at her and asks "Hey, why the long face?"


(The End)

Guilded Lilly

(5,591 posts)
54. A guy walks into a bar with...
Fri Nov 10, 2017, 03:34 PM
Nov 2017

A piece of asphalt under his arm.
The bartender comes over and asks
“What’ll it be?”
The guy says “oh, I’ll take one for me and one for the road”

Arkansas Granny

(31,483 posts)
57. A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender says, "Where'd you get that?".
Fri Nov 10, 2017, 04:00 PM
Nov 2017

The frog says, "Would you believe it? Two weeks ago this was a wart on my ass."

tecelote

(5,122 posts)
63. An American, an Englishman and an Australian walk in to a bar.
Fri Nov 10, 2017, 04:50 PM
Nov 2017

They all order a beer and as soon as they do, a fly falls into each of their beer.

The Englishman pushes the beer away and orders a new one.

The American laughs and just drinks his beer.

The Aussie grabs the fly and yells "Give it back!".

yagotme

(2,847 posts)
65. Didja hear the one about the German soldier walkin through the woods...
Fri Nov 10, 2017, 10:32 PM
Nov 2017

and walked into a BAR??

(Browning Automatic Rifle, for non-history/military buffs)

Guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich. Orders a scotch on the rocks. Bartender says "$3.75". Man reaches into pocket, comes out with exact change. This goes on every day for a week. Irregardless of drink ordered, man has exact change in his pocket. After several days, bartender asks him about the $. He said "Well I found this old bottle, rubbed it, and a genie came out and gave me 2 wishes. The first wish was, every time I go into a bar, and order a drink, I'll have exact change in my pocket." "So, where does the ostrich fit into all this?" "Well, that was my second wish." "What??? You wished for an ostrich?" "No, I wished for a chick with long legs."

TeamPooka

(24,155 posts)
70. A grasshopper walks into a bar
Sun Nov 12, 2017, 06:18 AM
Nov 2017

He hops up on a stool and the bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.“
The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Sylvester?”

red dog 1

(27,647 posts)
71. I heard that joke before, but the grasshopper had a different name
Sun Nov 12, 2017, 04:00 PM
Nov 2017

The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Irving?"

 

LanternWaste

(37,748 posts)
74. A Baptist, an Imam and an atheist walk into a bar and have a great time
Mon Nov 13, 2017, 04:16 PM
Nov 2017

A Baptist, an Imam and an atheist walk into a bar and have a great time because none of them were jerks.

crazycatlady

(4,492 posts)
75. A con man, a Nazi, and a womanizer walk into a bar
Mon Nov 13, 2017, 05:35 PM
Nov 2017

The bartender responds--- "What can I get you Mr. President?"

His response-- a White Russian.

Permanut

(5,436 posts)
76. Redneck walks into a bar..
Mon Nov 13, 2017, 05:43 PM
Nov 2017

Looks kinda young, so the bartender says "You got any I D?"

Redneck says "about what?"

zipplewrath

(16,646 posts)
79. 3 Brewers walk into a bar
Mon Nov 13, 2017, 05:54 PM
Nov 2017

First brewer from Budweiser steps up and says "Give me the King of Beers, I'll have a Budweiser".
Bartender pours him one and next steps up the brewer from Coors. "Take me back to the Rockies. I'll have a Coors".
Bartender pours his drink and looks at the brewer from Guinness. "What'll ya have?" he asks.
"Ah, I'll have a diet coke".
"What? the bartender says. "All you want is a Diet Coke?"
"Well, if these guys aren't drinking beer, I won't either."

Binkie The Clown

(7,911 posts)
85. so...
Mon Nov 13, 2017, 06:48 PM
Nov 2017

The bartender says "we don't serve your kind in here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

or....

A magician walked down the street and turned into a bar.

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