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Sat Nov 2, 2019, 12:53 PM

(Satire) 'Why I'm Leaving New York,' by Donald Trump

By Alexandra Petri

When you have great and unmatched wisdom like me, itís not so hard to see the beginnings of things, and it is not hard to see the ends of things, either. Pretty easy, actually! Everything is easy for me because I have a great brain, and I am sorry for Joan Didion and the others leaving New York who we all know didnít have it so easy. Not so easy for Joan! She could remember when New York began for her, but not when it ended. I remember, though. But itís okay. We canít all remember!

When I got to New York, it was a wonderful place, I couldnít believe it. You could put a red line around anything you wanted. Really, I said, can we do that? They said, oh yes, you can do anything. New York City was my oyster, but better. Oysters I donít like so much. Theyíre cold and nasty, donít you think? But people say that cities are like them, or maybe even that the world is like them. New York was better, like a hard, shiny steak. I ran a full-page ad in the newspaper calling for the death penalty for the Central Park Five ó they call them the Exonerated Five, but I didnít ó I said, can you believe it? They let me do it! New York!

New York has so many things that would dazzle a little boy from Queens. I hear it has a subway, which is so nasty. It has the Empire State Building, a tiny, bad building without a Trump logo on it. It has Central Park, which is full of germs and people, and it has the Statue of Liberty, a big lady who doesnít look so good, not so good after all these years, a bit green in the face, and the things she says are not so smart. Not smart, folks!

But it's okay. It's okay, New York City.



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