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Wed Mar 13, 2019, 01:18 AM

Onion: CIA Orchestrates Coup D'tat To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

10/06/16 1:56pm

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

According to high-ranking federal officials who spoke on condition of anonymity, the CIA-backed citizens were installed in the early morning hours Thursday shortly after the sitting population was captured and forcibly removed from the country, part of a strategic plan to end political instability in Venezuela and ensure every single inhabitant of the nation is sympathetic to U.S. interests.

“Reports we’re hearing from those on the ground indicate all residential households in Venezuela are now occupied by pro-American surrogates,” said Angela Zarush, a Brussels-based foreign policy analyst who described the millions of new Venezuelans as “puppet citizens” handpicked by U.S. intelligence agents. “This was a complicated transfer of power that required the quick, surgical removal of a country’s populace overnight, and the subsequent installation of a replacement society that harbors pro-U.S. leanings. For these reasons, we believe the coup could not possibly have taken place without a significant source of outside financing and the operational expertise of the CIA.”

“We went to bed last night with the longtime population of Venezuela seemingly comfortable and secure in their positions; when we awoke this morning, those residents were gone, and in their place were tens of millions of men, women, and children with strong ties to Washington,” she added. “This has the CIA’s fingerprints all over it.”


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