The Onion: Poll Shows Best Part Of Primary Season Has Been Really Getting To Know, Spend Time With 4
Poll Shows Best Part Of Primary Season Has Been Really Getting To Know, Spend Time With 4 Great Guys
According to a Gallup poll released Thursday, a majority of Americans believe the best and most satisfying aspect of the entire 2012 presidential primary experience has been the opportunity to spend extended time in the company of four just really terrific guys.
Calling Republican candidates Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and Ron Paul "truly great individuals right down the line," and a group they had long wanted to get to know better, citizens across the country expressed deep gratitude for the chance not only to be around the four men, but to really learn more about who they are as people.
"The thing I'll miss most about the primaries, once they've sadly drawn to a close, won't be the process of figuring out who should be our next president, but getting to see my four new friends every day and have them in my life," said poll respondent Marie Sedran, echoing the sentiments of millions nationwide. "I mean, how many opportunities do you get in life to spend quality time with even one smart, charming, likable, sensitive, and downright lovely human being, let alone four at once!"
"Honestly, all through this entire primary season I've been pinching myself," Sedran added. "What did we do to deserve these four fantastic gentlemen?"
Santorum, who is confident that climate change is a coordinated hoax.
Gingrich, who has stated that Palestinian people are "invented".
Romney, who informs us that corporations are people, and
Paul, who considers most black men in Washington DC to be semi-criminal or entirely criminal.