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Mon Jan 15, 2018, 06:33 PM

Why consensual sex can still be bad.

What she means here is bad in the sense of terrible or lousy. There has been a lot of talk about the Aziz Ansari situation and I think the best response is that the situation is where a guy was simply being a selfish jerk and got called out for it. Maybe that's a little humiliating, so fucking what? She kind of hated the experience.

And I thought this article describes that situation best, because most women have been in those situations, where a partner you may or may not know well simply does not listen or ignores obvious signs of discomfort or lack of enthusiasm. Newsflash: we often go along with things WE DON'T REALLY WANT TO DO. Fear is one reason; men who are thwarted can be nasty at the very least or they can be brutal. So the easier thing to do is go along even if you aren't enjoying it because many men do not take kindly to any sort of critique (this in the case when they are simply lousy at sex, which, my friends, is incredibly common, because a lot of guys THINK they are all that, but they are not). But in the back of everyone's mind is fear, fear that this situation COULD turn into something violent or dangerous. So we say nothing.

Now, in a perfect world, men would not feel entitled to women's bodies, they would listen to their wants and needs (which are often secondary to his almost all time) and women would have no reason to fear them. And also make sex just plain better. Because it often is just kind of bad.


In this line of thinking, sex after yes, sex without violence or coercion, is good. Sex is feminist. And empowered women are supposed to enjoy the hell out of it. In fact, Alexandra Brodsky, a Yale law student and founder of anti-rape organization Know Your IX, tells me that she has heard from women who feel that “not having a super-exciting, super-positive sex life is in some ways a political failure.”

Except that young women don’t always enjoy sex — and not because of any innately feminine psychological or physical condition. The hetero (and non-hetero, but, let’s face it, mostly hetero) sex on offer to young women is not of very high quality, for reasons having to do with youthful ineptitude and tenderness of hearts, sure, but also the fact that the game remains rigged.

It’s rigged in ways that go well beyond consent. Students I spoke to talked about “male sexual entitlement,” the expectation that male sexual needs take priority, with men presumed to take sex and women presumed to give it to them. They spoke of how men set the terms, host the parties, provide the alcohol, exert the influence. Male attention and approval remain the validating metric of female worth, and women are still (perhaps increasingly) expected to look and fuck like porn stars — plucked, smooth, their pleasure performed persuasively. Meanwhile, male climax remains the accepted finish of hetero encounters; a woman’s orgasm is still the elusive, optional bonus round. Then there are the double standards that continue to redound negatively to women: A woman in pursuit is loose or hard up; a man in pursuit is healthy and horny. A woman who says no is a prude or a cock tease; a man who says no is rejecting the woman in question. And now these sexual judgments cut in two directions: Young women feel that they are being judged either for having too much sex, or for not having enough, or enough good, sex. Finally, young people often have very drunk sex, which in theory means subpar sex for both parties, but which in practice is often worse (like, physically worse) for women.

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Reply Why consensual sex can still be bad. (Original post)
alarimer Jan 2018 OP
raccoon Jan 2018 #1
bluescribbler Jan 2018 #2

Response to alarimer (Original post)

Tue Jan 16, 2018, 10:42 AM

1. Also, in the movies, TV, and novels, most of the time

first-time sex between two consenting adults is presented as being
totally mind-blowing for both parties.

Not very realistic, really.

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Response to alarimer (Original post)

Tue Jan 16, 2018, 01:27 PM

2. Yes it can happen, even in these times.

As a male of more than six decades, I have experienced it. The trick is to wait until she invites it.

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