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Mon Mar 14, 2016, 07:01 PM

 

Vermin News Network Rehabilitation Monday Special Pi Day Edition

Monday March 7

Clintonites are in an uproar! (Vermin news analysis: an uproar from Camp Clinton generally indicates PANIC over the Sanders campaign's ability to actually contend for the nomination.) It seems that the sexist racist white MAN Sanders interrupted Clinton while she was speaking, in typical sexist MAN behavior. Sanders did in fact interrupt Clinton, in order to ask her to stop interrupting him whenever he tried to speak. Clinton has been trained in the Talk-over Strategy deployed by rightwing media people. This is a simple but effective debate tactic: don't let your opponent finish one sentence, instead interrupt constantly and once you start talking never stop. It was in the midst of Clinton's full out Talk-over that Sanders uttered the now infamous hideously sexist and misogynistic phrase that will haunt him for the rest of his miserable life: "excuse me but I was talking".

Belligerent Hairless Apes, Planet of: The US and South Korea are busy conducting military exercises as close to North Korea as they can get without actually being in North Korea. They announced that they are practicing blowing up all of North Korea's nuclear plants and nuclear missile bases and at the same time killing all of North Korea's leaders (meaning you Kim.) So just in case the insane paranoid leaders of North Korea were unsure if they ought to be insanely paranoid....

A naked woman dancing on the top of a tractor trailer truck stopped traffic for hours in Houston Texas this morning.

The US announced with great pride that it blew the crap out of some place in Somalia, and that because of our magic technology all of the 150 or so people we killed were Real Bad People. We are blessed to have this magic tech.

The US denounced with stern words the Russian airstrike in Syria that killed dozens of people. This has got to stop! Russians do not have magic bomb tech.


Tuesday March 8


Department of WTF: The Republican National Committee has targeted Illinois Senator Tammy Duckworth as a seat they can pick up in November. Their twitter campaign yesterday included the following attack "Tammy Duckworth has a sad record of not standing up for our veterans". Duckworth is an Iraq War veteran who lost both of her legs in the war.

TRUMPF! four states hold primaries today, the big ones being Mississippi and Michigan and Der Drumpfinator is expected to do very well in both of those states. Assuming TRUMPF! indeed wins as expected things get very grim for the NOT-TRUMPF forces in the Republican Party. They have several problems, the major one being that it is quite possible that TRUMPF will be the only candidate qualified for the nomination by the end of the primaries. The problem is RNC Rule 40, which states: "Each candidate for nomination for President of the United States and Vice President of the United States shall demonstrate the support of a majority of the delegates from each of eight (8) or more states, severally, prior to the presentation of the name of that candidate for nomination."

Vermin News is going to get a little technical here. This Rule 40 thing is not a joke. Here is how it matters: currently nobody has qualified for even one of the eight state delegate majorities needed, because it is a three way race and the early primaries all allocate delegates roughly proportional to the vote. After March 15 the remaining primaries are almost all winner take all - so the candidates will have to qualify by winning those races. It is entirely likely that only TRUMPF will qualify, which will put the NOT-TRUMPFS in a bit of a pickle. It is also possible that nobody will qualify, which would force a rule change and a fist fight on the floor of epic proportions as the Republican establishment will attempt to void TRUMPFs clear win by delegate count. The Republican establishment could also deal with the TRUMPF! only scenario by re-writing the rules, presumably they would do so having convinced Rubio and Cruz and the rest of the Klowns to toss all of their delegates over to Romney who would then have enough votes to block a TRUMPF! victory. All of these scenarios leave TRUMPF! and his angry white male supporters outraged, with TRUMPF! likely running a third party campaign.

The Republican Party is on the verge of a complete shit storm self destruct event. Or the establishment will just back down and say fuck it, our best bet is to back Benito TRUMPF!. I'm guessing they will choose TRUMPF!.

Surprise! Bernie won Michigan, forcing the official media to actually waste some bandwidth and interrupt their TRUMPFATHON to report that, while he has won 4 out of the last 6 primaries, he is still not a serious candidate. TRUMPF of course continued to win states people have heard of. TRUMPF 3 states, Cruz Idaho, Rubio nothing.

Wednesday March 9


Refugee Pong. This is a great game. Here is how it works. First The Big Powers all decide that they should topple the evil dictator Assad in Syria, because after all what could possibly go wrong? It isn't like we just did that in Lybia and it was ginormous disaster, it isn't like just a little while before that we did it in Iraq and literally somewhere around a million people, almost all of them civilians, got killed in the chaos that not only followed, but is continuing right now 13 years later. It isn't like we did this in Afghanistan and we are still there trying to figure out how to get the fuck out without having a helicopters-at-the-embassy fall of Saigon re-enactment. Vermin News is sorry but we seem to have forgotten what we were discussing.

Oh yes, Refugee Pong. So the US and its European buddies created chaos in Syria, failed to topple Assad, and created a massive refugee crisis that has thousands of Syrians fleeing their totally screwed up country for somewhere they won't get outright killed. Briefly Europe responded with compassion and opened their borders and started taking in thousands of refugees officially and tens of thousands unofficially. The the nutjobs from ISIS shot up Paris and despite the fact that all of the ISIS nujobs were born in either France or Belgium, the general reaction was NO MORE SYRIANS. They have the TRUMPF! problem too.

But the refugee situation is not a simple matter of plumbing. You cannot simply turn a policy valve and shut off the flow of desperate people who have no choice but to flee and nowhere to go but Europe. So the refugees have started piling up on the border between Greece and Real Europe. The EU wants them to turn around and go back the way they came. (Interesting idea, as many of the arrived by swimming from their sinking boats, and quite a few of them drowning while doing that, should they swim back out to sea and try to re-float the boats that failed to get them there?)

Turkey, busily murdering Kurds who are the only organized effective non-Assad force fighting ISIS, has also shut down its borders from the North, informing the EU that it could pay Turkey to take in refugees, otherwise no deal.

So the refugees are being rousted from their makeshift camps on the northern border of Greece and sent South, and then Turkey is telling them to fuck off and go north. Ping, pong, back and forth.

The estimate on the total number of refugees from Syria now somewhere in Europe is 500,000.

Clinton and Sanders are having a debate tonight. There is no way they can compete with the penis size contest from the last Republican debate, so the ratings are not going to be good.

Both Nancy Reagan and the Despicable Scalia are still dead. But are they still dead together?

The Clinton Camp, which had previously explained that Sanders could only win in small caucus states that the Clinton team forgot had contests, explained the upset loss in Michigan by blaming young inexperienced voters who don't understand simple instructions regarding who to vote for.

Marco Rubio forgot to win any primary contests yesterday so he is now officially in campaign zombie mode.

George Martin, "the 5th Beatle", died. He took the boy band to a different level as their music producer. The score is now Dead Beatles: 3 Beatles: 2. The odds on a complete 5-0 sweep by the Dead Beatles have gotten significantly better.

Chipotle had another Noro Virus outbreak. Nobody we know has ever eaten there. Certainly nobody at Vermin News has ever had one of their extremely yummy and reasonably priced veggie burritos. Poor Chipotle. The moral of the story is never present a serious competitive threat to MacDonalds.

Thursday March 10


A presidential debate is not actually a sporting event. This is a little known fact. Despite that the non-Vermin Human News insists on reporting debates in terms of who "won". There actually is competitive debating, it is done in schools and there are judges who award points. The presidential debates are not scored and there are no judges.

What the Human News doesn't do is to bother reporting what the debaters actually said, what issues were debated and what positions were held by the debaters on those issues, unless somebody said something really stupid or mean. That aside, in the Democratic debate last night the score was Sanders 4, Clinton 3.

Many people shot each other yesterday. Since this is not really news anymore, the only time it is of interest is if one person shot a lot of people or a shooting was so bizarre that it merits mention.

Today's moment of WTF: 31 year old Jamie Gilt was shot in the back by her four year old son. Jamie is "a guns rights advocate", or as Vermin News editorial policy describes this type of person, "a bizarre fucking whackadoodle gun nut". The kid picked up one of Jamie's many guns, this one a loaded .45 caliber pistol loose in the pick up truck, with the safety off of course, and shot her while they were on their way back from the gun range, where naturally the 4 year old was shooting guns.



That's her facebook photo of her little gun-nut monster (with the balloon head problem) and one of the many fambly guns. Just hours before being shot she updated her gun-nuttery page with the fact that the cute little future mass murderer "gets jacked up to target shoot". Indeed.




She's taken her facebook page down since she got shot.


While the media tries to figure out if Benito TRUMPF! is really a fascist or just playing one on tv, one of his patriotic supporters flattened an african american protester at a TRUMPF rally, with a punch to the side of his head as he and his fellow protesters were being escorted out of the event by the local police. Note: Benito could be both a real fascist and playing one on tv, those are not exclusive choices. His supporters however would happily go along with mass executions.

The Clinton Campaign, having failed to convince enough people that Sanders is a racist sexist all around bad person has decided that the best tactic to finally put him away is to simply lie about his record in congress. Somehow this is not going to work either. Perhaps a better approach would be to start explaining what Clinton's reason for running is. We understand what Sanders is about: he is about three or four explicit proposals that would transform this country: medicare for all, expand public education from k-12 to k-16, re-regulate wall street, and make a huge investment in repairing our crumbling public infrastructure. Clinton still has not articulated what her vision is. One suspects her vision is "Look at me! I'm President!".

Friday March 11


Today's moment of WTF: Hillary Clinton, speaking at Nancy Reagan's funeral, praised Nancy for her work on AIDS. Said Clinton:
It may be hard for your viewers to remember how difficult it was for people to talk about HIV/AIDS back in the 1980s and because of both president and Mrs. Reagan — in particular Mrs. Reagan — we started a national conversation, when before nobody would talk about it, nobody wanted to do anything about it, and that too is something I really appreciate with her very effective low-key advocacy. It penetrated the public conscience and people began to say, hey, we have to do something about this too.

Well basically that is the opposite of what happened. As Dan Savage stated it:

That is a fucking lie. You could only say the Reagans started "a national conversation" about AIDS if terrified, desperate, and dying people screaming"WHY AREN'T YOU SAYING OR DOING ANYTHING ABOUT AIDS!" at the Reagans counts. It does not count.

Savage went on to quote the Guardian's more sedate, and damning take on this:

Ronald Reagan, who died in 2004, was president for nearly five years before he said the word “Aids” in public, nearly seven years before he gave a speech on a health crisis that would go on to kill more than 650,000 Americans and stigmatize even more. In recent months, published reports have revealed an administration that laughed at the scourge and its victims and a first lady who turned her back on Rock Hudson, a close friend, when he reached out to the White House for help as he was dying from an Aids-related illness. “If there is a hell both Ronny and Nancy are Roasting,” wrote one Sister.... “Nancy and Ron Reagan were a functional team in the Presidency,” wrote Kenneth Bunch, aka Sister Vicious Power Hungry Bitch, one of the order’s co-founders. “They are both responsible for the death of thousands from HIV in the LGBT community due to their inaction in the 1980’s. So I understand the anger in the LGBT community toward Nancy. I feel that anger as well.”


The twitter-verse exploded and Clinton, to her credit, apologized.

Last night's BIG YAWN: the Republican's had a debate, but the game is over and everyone knows it so they forgot to have a fight and instead spent the entire debate saying incredibly stupid shit, outright ridiculous lies, and other blathering nonsense, none of which was even remotely challenged by the "debate moderators".

Oh Look! TRUMPF! Rally Cancelled due to Protester at the rally and in the streets.

The beautiful people of Chicago are saying NO TRUMPF! NOT IN OUR TOWN! Thank you beautiful people of Chicago, you bring tears to our little vermin eyes.

Saturday March 12

It was ALL TRUMPF ALL THE TIME. The nasty snarly idiot has become the media and the nation's obsession. We are all now watching the long slow disastrous train wreck. TRUMPF rallies in several midwest cities were again met by angry protesters. TRUMPF is blaming Bernie Sanders. Rubio blamed Obama. Cruz blamed TRUMPF in a moment of sanity. Ben Carson endorse TRUMPF.Mitt Romney has just learned that his political party is dominated by klowns, a fact that the internets has known since 2008.

Clinton, fresh from extracting her foot from her mouth over the whole Reagan and AIDS thing, put that footsie right back in there. In a well thought out attack on Sanders, Clinton, who has spent the last six months opposed to universal healthcare as something we just can't have, decided to portray herself as the decades long champion of universal healthcare and Sanders as some bernie-come-lately to the issue.

"And I always get a little chuckle when I hear my opponent talking about doing it . Well, I don't know where he was when I was trying to get health care in '93 and '94, standing up the insurance companies, standing up against the drug companies."

As the internets were quick to point out, Sanders actually was with Mrs. Clinton at at least one of the health care reform events in 93.


Sunday March 13

The primaries are headed into the winner-takes-all part of the primary campaign. Delegates are no longer allocated proportional to votes. Unless every poll out there is wrong Benito TRUMPF! is going to more or less wrap it up on tuesday, and more importantly Cruz and Rubio are going to be shut out because they will not qualify for the nomination as per the Republican Rule 40. Unbeknownst to many the Democrats are also having a hotly contested primary campaign. The tediously centrist corrupt and boring Clinton is likely to dominate on Tuesday.

Nothing to worry about. An extreme right wing political party made significant gains in regional elections in Germany.

Horrible people. Terrorists killed 22 people at a beach resort in the Ivory Coast, adding that country to the long list of nations afflicted with islamic inspired violence.

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