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Mon Mar 7, 2016, 10:58 AM

 

Vermin News Network Rehab Mondays 7 March 2016 Edition

my nephew 'had to go to rehab' and is cut off from the real world except for a few hours on Monday. My sister asked me to provide a weekly news summary for him.



Monday February 29

First world problems department: fabulously wealthy white people invented new and fabulously tone deaf ways to 'splain the unremarkable lack of diversity in Oscar nominations for 2016. The general theme of the splain was that every year hundreds of hollywood people of all types fail to be nominated for or win Oscars, so really non-white hollywood people, what's the BIG DEAL?

Moscow: just to demonstrate that the entire planet, after a more or less 150 year hiatus, is obsessed with chopping heads off, a woman was arrested while standing in a subway station waving the head of a toddler recently removed from its body. See! Its not just muslims! Other deranged crazy people do this too.

In a last ditch effort to prevent Trump Nation, the other republican nutjob whackadoodles are claiming that President Trump's apparent refusal to disavow the Ku Klux Klan is a HUGE DEAL. Trump has 'splained this latest outrage as the result of a faulty earpiece. It is not clear what the point of this attack is. Trump's supporters are not particularly opposed to the KKK. In fact Rubio's and Cruz's supporters aren't either. So what demographic is this supposed to upset? The 2 African Americans who might vote republican this year?

A google robot car hit a bus. The score is now Robot Driving Malfunctions: 1. Human Driving Malfunctions: 2,107,124,200,169. Until we can get robot malfunctions down into negative numbers we had better stick with idiot human drivers drunkenly texting while screaming at their kids in the back seat.

Tomorrow is Super Stupid Tuesday and an extremely stupid electorate will likely end any chance of meaningful reform by overwhelmingly endorsing the corrupt centrist Hillary Clinton. The more things don't change the more they stay the same.

Super-Duper Trumpf! Tuesday March 1

Department of WTF: an Israeli Army unit patrolling the occupied territories accidentally stumbled into a palestinian refugee camp and a battle broke out that resulted in 20 people getting wounded and one killed. The unit was using Waze to navigate through the area and had no idea that they were headed where they ought not to be. Waze was developed in Israel and acquired by google as their premier auto navigation software. I thought armies had this whole map thingy figured out. You know where they have a map that has the Bad Guys clearly marked out on the map with big block letters and warnings saying "DONT GO HERE EXCEPT TO FIGHT".

The French, in reaction to their own citizens committing mass murder because god said so, are closing down the huge refugee camp in Calais known as "The Jungle". So far no refugees have mass murdered anyone. Mostly they are just really happy to not be dead.

Having successfully contained new refugees from the disaster in the middle east to Greece, the EU is shocked (SHOCKED!) to discover that the problem isn't going away, it is simply happening in the region least prepared to deal with it. As mentioned previously, wasn't this the plan?

Over here in Raleigh North Carolina yet another young black man was executed by the police for no apparent reason. But really the problem is Mexicans or Syrians or something.

The Rolling Stones, the Oldest Boy Band Ever, will be giving a free concert in Havana Cuba, which is actually really cool. They still have some awesome left.

Plus Trump v Clinton. Good grief.

The google smart car that smashed into a bus has apologized and says it has learned its lesson.


Trumpf! Wednesday March 2

TRUMPF!

Last week the alleged grownups in the Republican Party had settled on Rubio as the anti-Trump and their brilliant advisers ordered him to go into full combat with Trump at last week's debate. (See last weeks Vermin News.) FACT THAT IS NOT MADE UP BUT SHOULD BE: That attack included accusing Trump of having peed in his pants during the debate. The results on Stupid Tuesday were that Rubio's campaign failed to beat Trump, failed to beat Cruz, and failed to provide an alternative to Trump. Rubio is done.

The official media woke up this morning to the reality that The Trump House at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave is a very real possibility. !Super-Duper-Stupid-Tuesday! was the worst of all possible outcomes. Rubio, the anointed not-Trump won only one state, and that just barely. Cruz, who is actually more loathed by the Republican Establishment than Trump, won three states, while Benito Trump crushed in all of the other seven states. The primaries move out of the south after yesterday and Trump will continue to pile up delegates, likely acquiring more than enough to secure the nomination. The fact that Rubio failed to deliver yesterday, but managed to win one state, means that he won't drop out, he and Cruz will continue to split the not-Trump vote, and Trump is the nominee.


Ben Carson dropped out of the race and nobody noticed.

Mitt Romney has announced that on Thursday he is going to give Republicans a stern lecture regarding their bad habit of voting for Benito Trump. Given that Romney is second on the teabag hate-list to Clinton, this should be very helpful. Very helpful to Trump that is, just in case there were some teaparty fence sitters undecided about which whackadoodle nutjob to vote for.

Trump held an approximately 12 hour news conference Tuesday night, covered without interruption by both CNN and MSNBC, the only stations covering the election at all, using the same camera, the same graphics and perhaps the same reporters, in which he repeatedly told the tv screen that he was very smart and moderate and would build a huge goddamn wall to keep out Mexicans and would be a great president and that everyone would vote for him. He did all this while the improbable Chris Christie played the role of Trump's wife, standing behind him gazing on him with adoration for the entire 12 hours. As neither of them peed their pants during the endless press conference it is assumed they both were equipped with catheters and leg pouches to hold the incriminating evidence.

The Democratic base has decided to nominate the candidate with the best chance of losing to Trump in the general election.

We are not the only idiots! Demonstrating that we Americans have no monopoly on abject stupidity, France started demolishing and closing down the refugee camp in Calais known as The Jungle. There appear to be no plans for those who have been displaced. Many of the camp's residents are there to try to get to England, and the governments of France and England are discussing the 'situation'. Perhaps the English could re-assert their territorial claims to Calais, dormant since the 16th century, and France could just be done with the problem entirely. Better yet, make Calais part of Greece. The refugees meanwhile, understandably upset about having their tents demolished and their stuff destroyed, responded by demolishing more tents and destroying more stuff.

Scalia might have resurrected. Clarence Thomas, also known as Scalia's mute sock puppet, as he has not spoken in the court in the last ten years and always voted the same way as Scalia, suddenly spoke up in court. Shocked lawyers described him as appearing zombie-like, and that while he spoke in a clear voice, his lips did not appear to be moving.


Thursday March 3, year of the Trumpf!

Only Joking, Say What? Department: France warned England that if they go and Brexit (bail on the EU) all those damn refugees in Calais are going to England.

The Irony, it Burns! Mitt Romney just publicly berated Trump for being a "phony and a fraud". Mittens, as he is fondly called by the three people who like him, famously pretended to be a liberal Republican in order to get elected governor of Massachusetts, and then jettisoned his liberal persona entirely, coming out as just as rabidly nutjob whackadoodle right wing as the rest of the Republican Krazy Klown Kar parade in order to win the 2012 nomination. And just for reminders about what a nozzle Mittens is, he famously put the family dog on the luggage rack on top of his car for a family vacation road trip.


We are so screwed. Public Policy Polling published a poll they conducted two weeks ago in South Carolina. Here are some interesting facts about the "other" America.
25% of respondents think Islam should be illegal.
47% think there should be a national database of all muslims.
29% think all mosques should be shut down.
29% wish the South had won the Civil War.

Trump unveiled his healthcare plan: scrap the ACA and replace it with "go fish". After waffling for months on retaining the core features of the ACA, he has joined in with the rest of the hateful mob and proposes replacing the ACA with nothing at all. This program will work well for billionaires. Why aren't you a billionaire, luser?

Planet of the Apes. The US, India, and Japan are going to see if they can taunt China into doing something really stupid by conducting joint naval maneuvers as close to China's islands in the South China Sea as they can get without actually beaching a battleship. This is Belligerent Hairless Ape Behavior at its best. The worst that can happen is planetary nuclear war, so really calm the f*ck down.

Retraction: it turns out the scary deranged crazy nanny woman in Moscow showing off her recently beheaded charge was in fact a muslim doing god's bidding. Vermin News will continue to search for proof that in fact there are other scary deranged crazy people doing horrible things who are not muslims. Wait, we know, there are at least *many* here in the US, slaughtering people at planned parenthood, assaulting Bird Sanctuaries, executing young black men for no apparent reason while being police, and just generally shooting guns at people. They don't count. We don't know why.

Trumpf! Friday March 4

TRUMPF! the highlight? of the debates last night between Benito Trump and the Klowns was an exchange between TRUMPF! and Rubio over the size of their penises. We would like to admit that we made this up, but we didn't. Note: Vermin News did not watch the debate. Due to the violent content of the debate program we watched Mad Max Fury Road instead.

Coal to Newcastle the Iditarod dog sled race in Alaska had to import snow.

Robots are driving cars while monkeys are driving wheelchairs using their thoughts. Eventually these technologies will converge and we will all be robotic monkeys in wheelchairs.

Trumpf! Saturday March 5

Five more states are voting for TRUMPF! and Clinton today. The slow motion disaster of the impending TRUMPF! presidency has been and continues to be fueled by TV news outfits' inability to turn the camera away from TRUMPF or clearly state that he is a dangerous fascist buffoon. Instead if TRUMPF wants to speak for 12 hours, well dammit then 12 hours of non-stop TRUMPF ON TV is what we will get.

In other news chimpanzees apparently build and worship at tree temples. The religious aren't quite sure what to make of the fact that religion seems to be an evolved social feature.

Finally the media states the obvious: "The guy is Hitler. He is an insane bigot.". Oh wait, no it was comedian Louis CK begging his fans not to vote for the asshole TRUMPF.

Yet another young black man shot under questionable circumstances. Abdi Mohamed was critically wounded by police in Salt Lake City, Utah. The police claim the shooting was entirely justified but have so far refused to release the video of the incident. Mohamed's family fled the violence in Somalia in 2004. Little did they know that we have the violence right here. But, what can we do? Say a few weepy prayers around a heap of dead and dying flowers and candles, and most certainly we needs more gunz..

Cruz! Sunday March 6

Desperately trying to convince reality to bend to the will of the establishment, the official media decided that the split decision on Saturday, with Cruz and Trumpf! each winning two states, was a victory for Cruz, the newly anointed not-Trumpf!. Trumpf! won the largest state - Louisiana, but well we need a not-Trumpf!.

The Democrats also had primary elections in three states, but one would have to search high and low for reporting on that contest. Sanders won two of the three states, which it seems doesn't matter, because Clinton won the big state of Louisiana.

Logic and consistency are not required for political analysis. Let's go through this again. Trumpf! and Cruz split 2-2 with Trumpf! winning the big state of Louisiana: victory Cruz!. Clinton and Sanders split three states, with Sanders winning two states and Clinton only winning the big state of Louisiana: victory Clinton!

Speaking of Trumpf!, he re-iterated that the US should legalize torture. In a sense this is a good thing as an explicit torture policy would force the International Criminal Court to act against the leaders of the United States for crimes against humanity.

Nancy Reagan died. Vermin News policy is to not speak ill of the dead unless it is a truly evil knob like Scalia. Nancy seems to have been a nice person married to a colossal jerk. She also likely was acting president for several years as Ronnie descended into dementia.

Late update: Sanders decisively won the Maine primary, winning three of the four contests this weekend. An avowed Democratic Socialist is making a serious run for the presidency.

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