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Thu Oct 5, 2017, 09:29 PM

Help Wanted: Trained Handler

Help wanted: trained handler for one rare Orange Russian Shit Gibbon.

Job Description:

One lucky applicant will be selected to keep Dotard, our Orange Russian Shit Gibbon, under control. He is getting older now and is suffering from dementia. The person selected to be his handler will need to keep his feces throwing and rampant tweeting in check. He is a silly boy and likes to stick his feet in his mouth, so you will need to be on the lookout for tell tale signs he might be getting ready to do just that. You will need to placate him with his favorite toys (Fifi his plush stuffed cat and Binky the file of all his positive reviews) while keeping him far removed from the myriad dangers found in his enclosure (red phone, stapler, pointy stick with flag attached). You must have a strong stomach to be able to deal with cleaning up after one of his feces throwing tantrums. You must be strong willed to correct his behavior and get him to go to bed on time. This is a 24/7 job. You will be on call at all hours of the day and night. Compensation will not be nearly adequate. You must really, really want to do this job for the sake of your country.

Interested applicants should email a resume and cover letter to:
Rex Tillerson
[email protected]


8 replies, 1677 views

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Arrow 8 replies Author Time Post
Reply Help Wanted: Trained Handler (Original post)
ProudLib72 Oct 2017 OP
The Velveteen Ocelot Oct 2017 #1
ProudLib72 Oct 2017 #2
marylandblue Oct 2017 #3
ProudLib72 Oct 2017 #4
Doreen Oct 2017 #5
jmowreader Oct 2017 #7
Doreen Oct 2017 #8
jmowreader Oct 2017 #6

Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Thu Oct 5, 2017, 09:34 PM

1. Bring your own whip, chair and cattle prod.

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Response to The Velveteen Ocelot (Reply #1)

Thu Oct 5, 2017, 09:41 PM

2. He's been very sad these past few weeks

He had a spat with his best friend Yertle, and he doesn't know if they will be friends again.

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Thu Oct 5, 2017, 10:33 PM

3. I found just the guy

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Response to marylandblue (Reply #3)

Thu Oct 5, 2017, 10:52 PM

4. Can't you just picture Cesar bringing his pit bull into the WH?

He'd try to use Junior to set a good example for Dotard to follow. When Dotard acted up, Junior would just sit there with an amazed look on his face like, "What the hell is this crazy beast?"

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Thu Oct 5, 2017, 11:58 PM

5. I will use prong collars, shock collars, cattle prods,

muzzles, sound proof kennel, anti pull harness, and tranquilizers ( lots of them.) I will sign an agreement to not abuse him any more than necessary.

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Response to Doreen (Reply #5)

Fri Oct 6, 2017, 12:59 AM

7. You need one condition in your contract: a No Fire Clause

You need to be able to cut off Trump's phone time, Twitter account, campaign rallies a year after he got elected in the first place, supply of orange makeup, twelve-foot neckties, contact with the Russian government, ice cream, fried fast food, and all the other things that have turned him into who he is without worrying about getting fired.

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Response to jmowreader (Reply #7)

Fri Oct 6, 2017, 11:34 AM

8. I can not sign those conditions.

Let's go over the reasons. I can not expose the public to him as he can never act appropriately and he might bite someone and that is just a law suit waiting to happen.

I will however let him play in the highly secured play yard with his children who will be in adjoining but separate rooms. I figure half an hour of play is fine and if he behaves really well he might be allowed to grope his daughter. The Russian talks will be limited and strictly monitored.

The rest of the stuff I can abide by.

Is that a good enough plan for you?

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Fri Oct 6, 2017, 12:50 AM

6. Roy Horn would be perfect

He has decades of experience in dealing with violent, unpredictable animals...and Trump's mouth isn't big enough to clamp around his neck.

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