Tom Price defends travel costs: "You can't get mani-peds and bikini waxings on commercial flights."

[Miles Archer]

No link yet. Breaking news.

CNN Washington DC - Beleaguered Secretary of Health and Human Services Tom Price spoke with reporters today in an attempt to set the record straight on his alleged $1 million in taxpayer dollars spent on private air travel.

"I flew United. I loved United, you just can't beat those honey roasted peanuts. There aren't many in a package, but they are still a taste treat that can't be beat. But as Secretary of Health and Human Services, I cannot perform at my best unless I look and feel my best. I'd be on a flight and request a simple service like a manicure. pedicure, or a waxing of my bikini area, and the flight attendants would tell me "We don't do that on this flight, Mister Secretary of Health and Human Services."

So I'd show up for my very important meetings with jet lag, as well as a day's worth of unsightly stubble on my normally smooth and sleek pubic region. I'm not kidding you, folks, it's normally smoother than a baby's bottom. I'd be interacting with top government officials and they would see me fidgeting in my seat and would ask me "Is there something wrong, Mister Secretary of Health and Human Services?" And I'd say "Oh, it's nothing," but they knew it was something and so did I. I didn't feel spring fresh in my pubic area, and so I was not able to perform at my best. And I came to the decision in one of those meetings that I could not continue on this course.

As far as the manicures and pedicures are concerned, you cannot expect a high-ranking government official such as the Secretary of Health and Human Services to attend social events on behalf of his government with chipped or cracked nails. Also, nail polish wears off. When I would attend pool parties to discuss high-ranking official government business, my peers would look down at my sandals and say "Uh-oh, Tom...time for a pedicure? And I would respond "Yeah...TELL me about it." My only interest is doing the best I can to serve the American people, and to serve at the pleasure of the President, so I made the decision to book private flights for my very important business meetings as the Secretary of Health and Human Services."

United Airlines could not be reached for comment.