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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsWHAT THE LIVING FUCK IS GOING ON?!? Asking for a friend.
Fucking hell, campers.
The news is nuttier than squirrel poop these days. If the squirrel was like, a government lab test squirrel, administered copious amounts of LSD.
Well, we don't have Spicey Sean to kick around anymore. He has finally been pushed too far, and he's taking his stolen mini-fridge and going home. There was a brief temptation to pity this tiny, soulless, little man, who shipwrecked his hard-won reputation on the treacherous shores of the Drumpf Administration...but then you remember that he was an eager collaborator to the team of petty crooks who do their damndest daily to blow up our democracy and wipe their hemorrhoid-encrusted asses with our Constiution...so yeah, fuck him.
So, Sean Spicer, as you embark on this next chapter of your life, I wish you ingrown toenails and post office lines. May you be shunned from decent company for the rest of your days. May every Snickers bar turn to a warm cat turd in your mouth. May the man in the mirror each morning remind you of your crimes. When you get to the afterlife, Sean, know that George Washington will be waiting for you, and he's going to kick you right in the junk.
So over the weekend we met the new Shart House communications director, Ray Liotta cosplayer Anthony Scaramucci. (I'm not gonna make the obligatory Queen joke, because low-hanging fruit is for CUCKS.)
Scaramucci wasted no time engaging in the obligatory ass-kissing ritual. Now SCROTUS is some sort of super-athlete who throws a "perfect spiral" (If Baron Golfin Von Fatfuk can throw a "perfect spiral" I'll let Jeff Sessions crash on my couch after his collaborating ass gets fired, by the way.) and like, swats biplanes out of the air and taught Mike Trout how to play center field.
The Mooch was apparently not a popular choice among existing staffers, what with his No Relevant Experience Whatsoever. Not only did Spicey run away to hide in less-manicured bushes, but Reince Pubis has been sidelined even further, spending most of his days acting as Chief of Staff to a small collection of Star Wars legos he bought on his lunch break one day after H.R. McMaster gave him a particularly aggressive wedgie. Word is even Steve "Darth Wino" Bannon told Anthony he'd get the job "over my dead body." Got your hopes up for a minute, didn't it?
The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, certainly doesn't get to sleep at the foot of the bed these days. Not only did the Washington Post report that he seems to have lied to congress when he was attempting to cover his ass for lying to congress about something else, but it seems his Idiot Manchild boss throws regular tantrums about ol' Beau recusing himself rather than transforming the United States Justice Department into Drumpfy's personal, taxpayer-funded, justice-obstructin' traveling jug band.
So reports claim Team Shart is working on pushing Sessions out, and replacing him with Rotten-Toothed Hate Monster Rudy Giuliani, or maybe Ted Cruz, or perhaps just a Teddy Ruxpin doll with a tape that fires Robert Mueller and Rod Rosenstein, and then plays the "Na na na na, say hey hey" song on loop for twenty minutes.
(Now, there's a lot of serious shit going down these days, but the moment when Jeff Sessions' career finally ends in scandal and betrayal is rapidly approaching, and I'm gonna celebrate that moment with a chocolate cupcake dropped into a mop bucket full of scotch when it comes. Don't tell Bannon.)
Word is, Rex Tillerson is thinkin' about quittin' his post at State because somehow he's the last human being on Planet Earth who has noticed that Donald J Trump (The "J" stands for "I'm So Old and Gross Even Hookers Won't Touch My Pee-pee Anymore" treats everyone who works for him like so many flushable floaters. Stay or go, Rex, you'll never wash the stink off.
And the House passed a big Russia sanctions bill that the Marmalade Shartcannon definitely did not want. When Uncle Vlad sees this, he's gonna send Donnie to military school just like the real dad that never loved him and thus got the whole fucking world into this mess in the first place. Certainly there will be no pee hookers for the foreseeable future.
I guess the Senate GOP got ahold of some black market ground rhino horn, mashed it up in a batch of Purple Drank in John Cornyn's office, starting snorting Adderall off Johnny Isakson's ass, and decided to hold a bunch of last-ditch health care votes tomorrow.
Who cares if the Senate Parliamentarian is stripping amendments left and right? Who cares if everyone has to eventually face a constituency whipped up into a rage over being, y'know, MURDERED BY THEIR SENATORS, it's fucking Spring Break at the Koch Brothers' Beach Resort, where we hunt the poor for sport and pour mimosas out of the IV bags that won't carry life-saving medication because the DUMBASS PLEBES CAN'T FUCKING AFFORD IT WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!?!?!??!?!
Now, Mitch McConnell won't tell anybody exactly what it's in the bill they'll be voting for. Maybe it's the House bill. Maybe it's straight repeal. Maybe it's Ted Cruz in pasties and a g-string. Whatever it is, it's gonna kill thousands of Americans, and we're relying on Rob Portman's decency to deliver us...FUCK.
Texas Congressdoorstop Blake Farenthold blamed the troubles the GOP's Rube Goldberg Murder Machine, excuse me "Health Care Bill," keeps running into on those awful Lady Senators* who keep screwing things up with their legislatin' and not-babymakin' and whatnot. Hilariously, he insisted the disdainful womenfolk were from the dreaded Northeast, when in fact he was describing West Virginia's Shelley Moore Capito and Lisa Murkowski from...ahem...Alaska. Geography, like so much in America in 2017...is for cucks.
Anyhow, Fartenhard expressed that he'd like to settle the issue over a duel, which is a normal, adult response to being disagreed with. He insisted he was too gentlemanly to murder LADY senators with his musket, or maybe with the authentic Hattori Hanzo replica he picked up at ComiCon, but Jerry Moran better watch his punk ass!
He then retreated to his subreddit safe space where he whined about how
Flash Thompson wasn't white in the recent Spider-Man movie.
*The face Little Man Blake made when referring to "Female Senators" was indistinguishable from the one a four-year-old makes when lamenting the presence of "lima beans" on the dinner plate.
Meanwhile...DRUMPF SCREAMED DEATH DEATH DEATH AS TRUMPCARE DIES, at a speech earlier today, because, unable to understand, much less make the case for his bill, he fell back on his old standby, scaring the poo out of stupid white people. Dance with who brung ya, I suppose.
And now I guess MINO (that's STILL Maverick In Name Only) John McCain will ride onto the floor of the Senate on a horse paid for with taxpayer funds and valiantly vote to steal health care from millions. I really, REALLY want to think better of the man...I mean, how the FUCK can you stare down a cancer fight (I have to get real for a second here, folks...speaking from experience...cancer is horrifying, cancer is unrelenting, and yes, cancer is expensive, and if you can't afford to fight it, you don't have a fucking CHANCE.) that taxpayers will be financing, and then turn around and use your power to tell millions of your fellow citizens "sorry, shoulda been richer, fuck off, just DIE."...I don't understand how you can hold the Cancer in one hand and the ACA Repeal Vote in the other. I just fucking don't.
I dunno. Maybe he's scared Kelli Ward is going to get sick of waiting for him to die, and show up with a judiciously poisoned Tuna Helper casserole? Surprise us, Senator McCain. Please.
Anyhow.
Everybody's favorite babyfaced Shartthrob, Jared Kushner, gave a little closed-door testimony today, and issued a little bullshit statement about how he barely collaborated even a little bit, and he's just a poor little rich boy who doesn't even read the collusion emails he gets, and just wanders into meetings with Russians without knowing what they're about. And also, if he forget about 100 foreign contacts and millions of dollars in assets, and an entire fucking BILLION DOLLARS IN DEBT on his security clearance forms, which happens to be an enormous fucking crime, well, I'M FUCKIN' THE PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER, SO WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO, SEND A MEAN TWEET ABOUT IT, BITCH?
...and somewhere, Bob Mueller grinned, cracked his knuckles, and got back to work.
Kushner, who has been tasked by his father-in-law with a broad portfolio ranging from solving the opioid crisis to bringing peace to the Middle East to inventing Flubber in real life, seems to be leaning on the "I'm so dumb I eat with a Nerf fork" defense, which the right wing media is happy to run with. 6 months in, kiddies, and "blistering incompetence" is the best they've got. Gooooooooood luck.
Meanwhile Democrats unveiled their new It's the Economy, Dumbass, platform this afternoon. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer assures us the platform going forward will be neither Namby nor Pamby, and certainly not both at once. Looks alright. We'll see.
And then I guess the Boy Scouts of America invited the Bastard Son of Gordon Gekko and Krang's Robot Body to speak at their Jamboree, so that all the kids could get their pussy-grabbing merit badge. Shit got creepy right quick, with Dorito Mussolini riffing on all the grievances that perpetually rage in his tiny reptile brain (instead of, you know, the issues the American People care about), shit like Fake Gnus and the electoral college and how Salma Hayek won't go out with him.
And he shit on his predecessor a little, to creepy "USA" chants from the juvenile crowd. It was like a little Shartler Youth rally. In a couple of years, instead of collecting canned goods, these kids'll be reporting you for thoughtcrime.
Aaaaaaand I guess the right wing media bubba-uhl is trying to destroy Jake Tapper tonight? Fuck all y'all. Diet Rambo is the fucking best. He is honest, and fair, and brave, and on the front fuckin' lines of this thing, I'm grateful as all get-out for the work he and his fellow journalists are doing in these batshit crazy times. When this is all done, they'll build a statue of Jake Tapper, only it'll also be a fountain, and it'll be pissing on a smaller, shittier statue of Sean Hannity.
Yeah, there's more. There's always fucking more. Shit, I'm even passing up an opportunity to shit on Jill Stein tonight, because I'm that fucking exhausted by the tornado-full-of-badgers-and-hammers that is the daily news cycle.
Get some sleep, Resisters. Let's give this Senate Health Care bill a swirlie tomorrow...and take its lunch money.

dalton99a
(86,238 posts)No shit.
Thank you, Ferret!
BigmanPigman
(52,559 posts)He's using it for something else...sort of like giving it the finger.
chillfactor
(7,694 posts)he has the best medical coverage for his cancer treatment..if he takes medical coverage away from millions he is dead to me and I hope cancer ravages his soul.
calimary
(85,153 posts)cancer will ALREADY have ravaged his soul.
central scrutinizer
(12,441 posts)Nobody else can describe the contents of the White House colostomy bag as well.
Princess Turandot
(4,835 posts)
Leghorn21
(13,791 posts)read over a hot cup of morning caffeine!
Thank you, just *THANK YOU* in advance, fucking hell!!
krawhitham
(4,935 posts)3catwoman3
(26,113 posts)That, right there, says it all. I don't fucking understand it either.
dixiegrrrrl
(60,013 posts)Ever the optimist, I hope he surprises us tomorrow.
adigal
(7,581 posts)To his permanent home.
CaliforniaPeggy
(152,894 posts)So very well done.
I am so grateful that you occupy DU and that we get to read what you write, dear Ferret.
Thank You.
mimi85
(1,805 posts)the same way. Post of the month - if not the year. Loved it.
Glimmer of Hope
(5,823 posts)
irisblue
(34,617 posts)And I look forward to the Tapper Statue days.
bora13
(860 posts)is that this shit storm is about to hit US big time.
He's gonna do it, yah know?
BadGimp
(4,078 posts)Sophiegirl
(2,338 posts)nolabear
(43,438 posts)And I need every ounce of fortitude boosting I can get.
Lugnut
(9,791 posts)dchill
(41,219 posts)(K&R)
CentralMass
(15,851 posts)colorado_ufo
(5,975 posts)I will sleep better tonight, since you have put things in perspective.
You should receive the first Nobel Prize for Rant.
"And he shit on his predecessor a little, to creepy "USA" chants from the juvenile crowd. It was like a little Shartler Youth rally. In a couple of years, instead of collecting canned goods, these kids'll be reporting you for thoughtcrime. "
I found their cheering of him to be the - what awful thing can I say about the 'Boy Scouts"-guess I"ll settle on deplorable.
BSdetect
(9,048 posts)Bankruptcies here we come. Again.
VaBchTgerLily
(231 posts)


Zing Zing Zingbah
(6,496 posts)underpants
(188,506 posts)
VWolf
(3,944 posts)





Ok Ferret, you crossed the line with that one. I'm gonna need psychiatric help.
LongTomH
(8,636 posts)
2naSalit
(95,141 posts)case of that stuff at this point!
WinstonSmith4740
(3,223 posts)Well, at least as close as I get to sane. Thank (your choice of deity here) you're on our side, and here...your essays make my day and help stop the screaming in my head. If you're not a writer in real life, you should be.
I lost my husband to cancer. I've never wished harm to another person, but every one of those assholes with an "R" (and even worse, a D) after their name who is even still on the fence on this issue, needs to be hit by that nightmare themselves, or in someone they love. We need to come to grips with the fact that there is no horror, nightmare, or disaster they care about, until it hits home.
Keep 'em coming. Anyone know how to forward these to Drumpf? I'd love to see his head explode.
lib-ruhl
(127 posts)Music to my ears...!!!
dhill926
(16,953 posts)because....
msdogi
(430 posts)pure gold
Leghorn21
(13,791 posts)It's TheFerret, ladies and gentlemen!!!

VOX
(22,976 posts)Always look forward to your posts. They are pure platinum, reflecting what's true.
Mme. Defarge
(8,602 posts)saidsimplesimon
(7,888 posts)until I call, one more time, my senators to voice my opinion. NO to repeal, Yes to improve the ACA.
saidsimplesimon
(7,888 posts)Je adore resistance. Call your Senators now, they are having lunch with that shrimp (bottom feeder) Pence as we read.
usaf-vet
(7,248 posts)would be met by the Maverick. He has and opportunity to retire as a hero or a bum.
Senator McCain I'm sorry to hear of your recent diagnosis. And wish you well. I would ask you at this time in your life when the need for medical care is obvious. I would ask that you consider your fellow Americans need for health care and that you consider this vote the last mission of your long career. Please vote to fix the ACA by not voting to repeal and replace. Let one of your last acts as a Senator be a heroic act. Vote NO on the Senate bill AND speak out loud and clear be the Maverick again. Tell McConnell NO it is done no more Repeal and Replace. Move on. Work to fix the ACA. What possible punishment could anyone threaten you with. Retire with honor give your fellow Americans a going away gift of health care. Go home be with family and fight the cancer. As a fellow veteran I ask you to vote for the greater good. Save healthcare.
byronius
(7,669 posts)Well spoken.
denbot
(9,917 posts)Rant on with your Ferret self!
Bernardo de La Paz
(52,429 posts)DLevine
(1,790 posts)cp
(7,368 posts)Thank you, Ferret.
Whatever your experience with cancer is or was, we all wish you and your loved ones the best. To your health!
Besides your brilliant humor, what sustains me is Robert Mueller and his staff fiercely, relentlessly at work.
LongTomH
(8,636 posts)Loved this......
"So, Sean Spicer, as you embark on this next chapter of your life, I wish you ingrown toenails and post office lines. May you be shunned from decent company for the rest of your days. May every Snickers bar turn to a warm cat turd in your mouth. May the man in the mirror each morning remind you of your crimes. When you get to the afterlife, Sean, know that George Washington will be waiting for you, and he's going to kick you right in the junk. "
Actually, George will have to wait in line, Tom Jefferson and a number of the Founding Dads will be waiting to kick Spicey in the nads!!!

trof
(54,273 posts)Sir:
This is a TERRIFIC catchphrase.
You should insert it after about every third paragraph.
We'll soon be reciting it in unison.
...and somewhere, Bob Mueller grinned, cracked his knuckles, and got back to work.
Brilliant!
Boomerproud
(8,582 posts)If Mueller looks in the right places, someone important is going down. .We need a miracle right now.
Liberal Jesus Freak
(1,465 posts)...you can expect a nice, long career here at DU! Welcome
burrowowl
(18,116 posts)MiddleClass
(888 posts)


















BlancheSplanchnik
(20,219 posts)"Ray Liotta cosplayer Anthony Scaramucci."---hilarious!
flying rabbit
(4,807 posts)For now...
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)
oasis
(51,933 posts)
Hugin
(35,441 posts)Unfortunately, it seems each time under the influence of evermore escalating cray-cray.
I honestly thought by now you'd have scaled the fence at the Esalen Institute pleading for sanctuary. (I can't say the thought hadn't crossed my mind... Constantly.)
A little more on my research into the cray... I happened upon a tome called, "The Archaic Revival" by the previously mentioned Terrance McKenna and I'll be darned if he wasn't correct. Prophetic, in fact.
Enough for now... I'm tired and we need to rest up. Who knew resistance was so much work? C.S. Lewis knew what he was talking about WRT Tyranny.
Thanks so much for your great work! Tah, for now.
Blue_Roses
(13,607 posts)