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Wed Jul 12, 2017, 01:00 PM

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #3-5: Diary Of A Wimpy Trump Edition

Last edited Tue Dec 5, 2017, 05:46 PM - Edit history (6)

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #3-5: Diary Of A Wimpy Trump Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Wow, look at all you beautiful people! We are back everybody! So now we know what dictator to compare Donald Trump to! And I can’t believe I didn’t make this comparison before. In case you’re wondering, I refer you to Idiots #2-9 – yes that’s the end of our 5 part lecture series on Trump. I made the inevitable Hitler comparison, because that’s our go-to dictator. Everyone knows who Adolf Hitler is and what he did. Republicans love them some Hitler comparisons, don’t they? As Lewis Black pointed out a couple of years ago, Glenn Beck uses more footage of the Nuremberg rallies than the History Channel does! But it turns out they’ve been wrong the whole time. Shit, I’ve been wrong the whole time. In short, don’t make Hitler comparisons when talking about Trump. Here’s who you should be talking about when referring to Trump. can we show that?

Yes!!!! Steve Bannon pictures himself as Napoleon! Yes, hallelujah! Finally enough evidence that the Trump administration is completely full of shit! The mystery has been solved! And Trump has been known to *allegedly* have tiny hands too! OK, enough of that. We got a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver did a major expose of broadcasting giant Sinclair Media, and it’s one of his best pieces yet:


So where do we begin this week? Well, the top two slots this week are going to go to Donald Trump, because of course they are. This week, the top slot is going to Donald Trump. In the first slot we’re going to talk about the second leg of Trump’s World Deplorable Tour 2017 where he went to Poland during the G20 summit. In the second slot we’re going to talk about how his son may have leaked some potentially damaging and treasonous information. In the number 3 slot is Donald Trump Supporters (3). Did CNN blackmail a 15 year old over Trump’s wrestling tweet? The answer is no, and especially when you find out what really happened, it’s an absolute epic fail. But that’s not before CNN got bombarded with hate speech memes and death threats from the “peaceful” right. Taking the fourth slot is one of our all time favorite punching bags here at the Top 10 – Martin Shkreli (4). Yes, Pharma Douche is back in the news because the jury selection for his fraud trial began. And wait until you hear what some of the potential jurors had to say! Trust me, you're going to love this as much as I do! In the number 5 slot we’re going to do something a bit different. We’re going to bring back one of our favorite features – the Top 10 Home Shopping Network (5). Because when we were on break, a blogger discovered something insanely shocking that both Alex Jones’ Infowars, and Gwenyth Paltrow’s GOOP have in common – they both hawk the same bullshit! We will do one of our famous deep dives here. At number 6 is Alex Jones. So are child slave colonies on Mars a thing? We will find out! Taking slot number 7 is Chris Christie. Yes, we’re going to tell you how America’s worst governor and Donald Trump stage prop spend his July 4th, and you’re not going to like it. At number 8 is Steve Green (8). You may not know who Steve Green is exactly, he’s the CEO of a little chain called Hobby Lobby. Yes the same Hobby Lobby that lobbied SCOTUS to be able to discriminate employees who want to use birth control on religious grounds. Well, we can’t wait to tell you why he’s in trouble this week. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!!!) slot, we’re going to bring back an old favorite feature – People Are Dumb (9), because there’s a lot of stupid fucking people out there. Who are not just limited to United States elected officials. Finally this week – we’re hitting the next stop of our World Tour 2017. And this time we’re going to Merry Old England. We will tell you more of the insane Brexit situation and British politics are even crazier than you would ever imagine. Plus we’re going to do something a bit different with our musical guests. From here until the end of the season, wherever possible, we are going to have musicians and bands on that are best associated with each country we visit. So for our first act – we have someone who I think you are going to like. A small, independent band by the name of, oh, I don’t know, Iron Maiden! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Buy their new album “The Book Of Souls” now or you’re no friend of this show. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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That happened! So Trump may be the president, but he’s still a loser. Last week, he was on the second leg of his World Deplorable Tour 2017. And this time he went to Poland. Of course, I could point out the last time a crazy wannabe dictator with a messianic complex went to Poland, but we’re on a schedule, we don’t have that kind of time. So here’s the most fucked up thing about this whole G20 summit visit – and we’ll get to the Putin meeting later. But we might need the Sad Hulk Music for this one.


Donald Trump didn’t exactly earn a unanimously warm welcome during his first trip to Europe as president in May. To ensure that his second visit starts off on a far more positive note this week, considerable measures are being taken, including those borrowed straight from the Communist Party playbook.

Ahead of making his way to Germany for the start of the G-20 summit Friday, Trump will land in Poland Wednesday and is guaranteed a rapturous reception: Supportive crowds literally will be bused in to cheer for him.

Worst party bus ever, by the way! And here’s the even more fucked up thing – Poland obviously believes the same bullshit that we do! Is there a Fox News affiliate in Poland?

Trump will find a rare European friend in Poland, a country governed by its own nationalistic government and encouraged by the new U.S. president’s intention to shake up the global political order. Defense Minister Antoni Macierewicz said that, like Trump, Poland’s government was being attacked by “liberals, post-communists, lefties and genderists.” He added that Trump was “a man who is changing the shape of the world’s political scene.”

Aw………… Trumpy made a friend!!!

Thanks Trumpy! But we still haven’t got to the heart of the matter yet. Apparently, the Pols are not known for getting American history right. And it was full on in display this week:

Oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy shit!! Do they not understand that this is pretty much our equivalent of flying the Nazi flag? Seriously? Wow! Switching subjects, for a minute, before we get into the meat of this, we got to show what Mike Pence did.

It’s like Peter Griffin is in charge!

But this might be the saddest part of the whole G20 summit. Trump was often seen angry and alone – as Trump himself would say – it’s really very sad, OK?

For the second time in a matter of days, the Great Embarrassment — otherwise known as President Donald Trump — was caught on camera looking confused as he aimlessly wandered around, unclear about what he was doing.

On July 4, video emerged of a confused Trump exiting Air Force one and wandering off instead of entering the limousine that was literally right in front of the plane. He had to be directed back to the vehicle.

The second incident where Trump appeared to be confused was just after finishing his speech in Warsaw, Poland.

Trump looked as if he didn’t know where to go.

It’s understandable he’d look to his many handlers for some kind of direction if he wasn’t sure of his next move. Instead, he slowly and aimlessly walked away from the podium, adjusted his suit jacket and stared awkwardly into the crowd. Sad.

But Trump was often seen alone at the G20. You know, like that kid who is picked last for football, and rather than play he says "fuck it", and spends recess playing Angry Birds on the bench. Can we show that picture? You know – can we show that picture?

Forget the Sad Hulk Music – this needs something much sadder!

Thank you! And here’s how wrong Trump is when it comes to things. The president of Poland often had to correct Trump on international trade. Oh yeah he’s wrong on everything! But why do you trust him, Poland??? You’ve been invaded by ruthless dictators before!

Donald Trump’s understanding of international trade deals has been called into question by Poland’s President after he seemingly misunderstood the scope of US influence on export pricing.

Andrzej Duda was forced to correct Mr Trump during a joint press conference as part of the US leader’s second foreign visit.

The former real estate mogul joked that the US would be able to influence the pricing for Liquid Natural Gas (LNG) exports.

But why does Poland love Trump so much that they’re willing to bend to our bullshit?

Thus far, Donald Trump has governed as a typical Republican president, with the usual suite of tax cuts, deregulation, and conservative nominees for the federal bench. The difference is that unlike his predecessors, Trump isn’t rooted in the tenets of conservativism. Indeed, as a man of id and impulse, it’s hard to say he’s rooted in anything. To the extent that he does have an ideology, it’s a white American chauvinism and its attendant nativism and racism. It was the core of his “birther” crusade against Barack Obama—the claim that for reasons of blood and heritage, Obama couldn’t be legitimate—and the pitch behind his campaign for president. Trump would restore American greatness by erasing the racial legacy of Obama’s presidency: the Hispanic immigration, the Muslim refugees, the black protesters.

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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The sad thing is we only get 10 entries per week. I’d love to talk about the trolls smearing John Podesta on Twitter. Or the epic failure that was the KKK’s armed march through Charlottesville, Virginia. Or Andrew Garfield talking about how watching RuPaul’s Drag Race makes him gay. Or Justin Beiber hanging out with Hillsong Church and “Dabbing For Christ”. Or more about Steve Bannon’s picture of himself as Napoleon. Or even the human Ken Doll claiming that he needs more surgery and his nose is going to fall off. Or Shia LeBouf getting drunk and then running and hiding. Or Emily Rajatakowski talking about her boobs preventing her from getting work. Or this fat rabbit!

Look at how fat that rabbit is! But we have to limit it to 10! And we have to talk more about our president Trump. Yeah he’s still our president, sadly. We might do a news dump next week. Before we get into this entry, we have to mention that Trump has a new BFF!


Uh… Ms. Lohan? You do realize that our president speaks poorly of everybody, right? I don’t even want to get into Trump’s latest twitter tantrum. It’s too insane to even begin to comprehend. We’ll have to save that for next week. In case you’re living under a rock, Trump met with Putin this week. It’s almost kind of like we’re watching Diary Of A Wimpy Trump. Trump has the vocabulary of a valley girl (apologies to Frank Zappa) and the social abilities of that kid who’s picked last for football. This is that part where the kid in the story gets sent to the principal’s office for creating mischief. Can we show that picture?

Whew, the tension between those two is so thick that you can cut it with a knife! Maybe a laser there was so much. Donnie, keep doing what you’re doing. But here’s more.

Russian state TV was unimpressed with Donald Trump in its coverage of the G20 in Hamburg last week.

The world leaders who assembled there and the U.S. President were all outshone by the real star of the summit: Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Dmitry Kiselyov, the notorious presenter of Russia’s most watched news program Vesti Nedeli on Channel One, began by setting a high bar for Trump and Putin’s first face-to-face meeting in Hamburg.

“People around the planet had been waiting for this moment and hoping for success,” Kiselyov said.

And it’s true – Trump can lie faster than you can fact check. I mean the guy lies like it’s a bodily function. And then someone had to go and release some incriminating e-mails! But guess what? It wasn’t Hillary Clinton as she has been accused by the republicans ad nauseum! It was none other than Trump’s own son Qusay Trump! it’s like the republicans do everything they accuse the democrats of doing! Can someone pass me some popcorn?

I do have to show this tweet.

Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Did he drop the Freudian slip there? Remember when we used to call George Bush “Dim Son”? Well, Donald Trump is a dim son, and he may have an even dimmer son in Trump Jr. who dropped this bombshell:

Donald Trump Jr. acknowledged Sunday that he met with a Russian lawyer who had promised damaging information on Hillary Clinton in June 2016.

The news, which was first reported by the New York Times, represents the most direct suggestion to date of possible collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia, and it is the first indication that someone from President Trump's inner circle met with Russians during the campaign. Trump Jr. also brought then-campaign chairman Paul Manafort and Trump's son-in-law and now-top White House adviser Jared Kushner to the meeting.

But the information isn't just troubling because it suggests the Trump campaign sought out the help of Russians to win the presidency. It also contradicts a number of claims made by the White House, the campaign and Trump Jr. himself — claims made as recently as this weekend. For an administration and campaign that have repeatedly denied contact with Russians and had their denials blow up in their faces, it's yet another dubious chapter.

Holy shit!!! I mean the shit literally hit the fan here! How wrong could Trump Jr. be? And how many times did they tell us this sort of thing didn’t happen? Are they pulling Jedi mind tricks here?

Donald Trump Jr. has hired a lawyer to represent him in matters related to the investigation into Russian interference in last year's presidential election and possible collusion with the Trump campaign.

Alan Futerfas, a criminal defense attorney based in New York City, will represent the president's eldest son.

Donald Trump Jr. earlier responded to news reports about his meeting during the campaign season with Natalia Veselnitskaya, a Russian lawyer, suggesting that he did not do anything out of the ordinary.

News of the June 2016 meeting broke this weekend, and Trump said he went to to it after being told by an acquaintance that a person "might have information helpful to the campaign," according to a statement from him given to ABC News on Sunday night.

And he could be going down for this, and he might be bringing the whole Trump administration down with him! We could only hope!

Donald Trump Jr. is in a legal danger zone following his acknowledgment that he met during the heat of the 2016 presidential campaign with a Russian lawyer with Kremlin ties who offered to deliver damaging information about Hillary Clinton.

Democratic and Republican lawyers and political operatives alike say explanations about the June 2016 meeting from President Donald Trump’s oldest son are way out of step with common campaign practices when dealing with offers for opposition research.

But perhaps far more important, his statements put him potentially in legal cross hairs for violating federal criminal statutes prohibiting solicitation or acceptance of anything of value from a foreign national, as well as a conspiracy to defraud the United States.

Politically, by discussing such a sensitive topic that could prove embarrassing if revealed, Trump Jr. and the other Trump campaign officials in the room for the meeting with Russian attorney Natalia Veselnitskaya, including Jared Kushner and Paul Manafort, may have also exposed themselves to future blackmail threats, the legal experts said.

So I suggest that Dim Son & Dimmer Son had better lawyer up because the shit is about to hit the fan! I mean he’d better hire some good lawyers. Lawyer up! It’s what the cool kids are doing!

Donald Trump Jr., the president's eldest son, has reportedly hired a lawyer to represent him as the Justice Department's special counsel conducts its probe into Russia's election meddling and potential ties between Trump campaign staff and the Kremlin.

Reuters reported on Monday that Trump Jr. has hired Alan Futerfas as his attorney.

The hiring comes after two reports emerged from The New York Times over the weekend about Trump Jr.'s meeting with a Russian lawyer who allegedly promised him damaging information on then-Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton.

According to the newspaper, Trump Jr. arranged a meeting with Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya several weeks after his father secured the Republican presidential nomination.

While the reports in the Times described Veselnitskaya as having ties with the Kremlin, a spokesperson for Russian President Vladimir Putin on Monday said the Kremlin does not know the lawyer.

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump Supporters
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It’s time for another round of our new installment:

This week’s “This Fucking Guy” award goes to a Reddit user who calls himself “HanAssholeSolo”, and we can’t quite figure out the meaning of this user name. Is he implying that Han Solo is an asshole? Or is he a Star Wars fan who is an asshole and loves Han Solo? Who really knows? Because last week, Trump tweeted out this bullshit:

Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! He is literally inciting violence with this tweet, but it wasn’t enough for Twitter to ban @realDonaldTrump. Well, CNN tracked down the meme.

(CNN)The Reddit user who initially claimed credit for President Donald Trump's tweet that showed Trump tackling CNN issued an apology Tuesday for the video and other offensive content he posted -- one day after CNN identified the man behind the account and attempted to make contact with him.

Reddit user "HanA**holeSolo" first shared the GIF last Wednesday of Trump pummeling a wrestler with CNN's logo imposed on his face. CNN could find no earlier instance of the GIF. The GIF was later edited into a video with sound and tweeted by the President on Sunday.
On Reddit, "HanA**holeSolo" took credit for inspiring the tweet. Soon after, "HanA**holeSolo's" other posts on Reddit, some of which included racist and anti-Semitic imagery, quickly circulated on social media.

Now the user is apologizing, writing in a lengthy post on Reddit that he does not advocate violence against the press and expressing remorse there and in an interview with CNN for other posts he made that were racist and anti-Semitic.

Yeah so HanAssholeSolo is a racist Reddit user who is responsible for racist and anti Semitic posts, and here’s where the mistake was made. As if we’re going to look to a user who called himself HanAssholeSolo for race relations. Here’s where the mistake was made. Of course it was picked up and taken completely out of proportion by Infowars correspondents and guys who watch Inglorious Basterds and root for the Nazis, Jack Posobiec and Mike Cernovich. This led to the alt right on Twitter collectively losing their shit.

CNN has become the recipient of white supremacist troll ire — all for investigating the origins of the GIF President Donald Trump tweeted attacking them last weekend.

After CNN tracked down the identity of the Reddit user who created the GIF of Trump bodyslamming Vince McMahon with their logo superimposed on his face, members of various right-wing Internet communities came together in what the Southern Poverty Law Center called a “rare moment of unity for the far-right.”

Initially, it was believed that the GIF’s creator, Reddit user “HanAssholeSolo,” was a queer 15-year-old Trump supporter based on a tweet by alt-right darling Jack Posobiec, but was later revealed to be an adult man whose sexuality remains undisclosed.

Nonetheless, troll hacker Andrew Auernheimer (who goes by the pseudonym “weev”) rallied the Daily Stormer’s “troll army” in attacks against CNN based on the false assertion that HanAssholeSolo was underage.

Although CNN has not published HanAssholeSolo’s identity after he published an apology and issued a promise to stop his trolling, Auernheimer led multiple far-right factions, including r/TheDonald, 4chan, the Daily Stormer and the “alt-lite,” in their own doxxing campaign.

Yeah the real Han Solo could easily kick some ass here. Except no one can understand what Harrison Ford is saying. “Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmfmfmmffmfmfmf Chewy we’re home Mmmffmfmfm”. Thank you! Now here’s where even further mistakes were made according to the same article.

“Just like CNN tracked down this child and used media exposure as a bludgeon against him for posting (truthful and funny) things that they don’t like, we are going to begin tracking down their families as a bludgeon against them for publishing (seditiously fraudulent) things that we don’t like,” Auernheimer wrote. “CNN, this is your one singular chance to walk back this behavior of public blackmail. You have one week to fix this.”

As published on 4chan, Aurnheimer’s demands of CNN include “the public firing of the KFile team, a denouncement of their alleged threats, a $50,000 college scholarship for HanAssholeSolo, and a public assurance that ‘he and his family will never be harmed by your organization.'”

So let me get this straight – why the fuck should this guy get $50K just because a bunch of online assholes say he should? CNN reporters were getting fucking death threats! And you can’t say that the left are violent lunatics when… YOU ARE THE ONES THREATENING TO MURDER AND BLACKMAIL CNN REPORTERS!!! God fucking damn it! Sigh… the alt right reached a new low this week. But we’re still not done yet. Of course Qusay Trump was involved behind the madness.

A wrestling GIF posted to Reddit last week by an alt-right troll has become the focal point of mounting tensions between the president, the media, and internet-bred ideological extremism, which have since prompted the trending hashtag #CNNBlackmail and escalating right-wing backlash against CNN.

On Sunday, July 2, in the midst of ongoing clashes between Donald Trump and CNN, the president tweeted out a video in which he symbolically beats up the media outlet in a wrestling match. Since then, the president’s public battle with CNN has escalated into a debate over how to treat online trolls who spread racist and violent hate speech — a debate centered on what many perceive as a veiled threat by CNN to dox the creator of the original GIF behind the president’s tweet, who was a member of Reddit’s alt-right hub r/The_Donald. As a result, many, including Donald Trump Jr., are accusing CNN of bullying the GIF’s creator, while glossing over said creator’s history of hate speech on Reddit before he came under public scrutiny.

I like that one! But HanAssholeSolo apologized and he’s instantly more classy than President Trump, Qusay Trump, and the alt right asshole brigade.

I would also like to apologize for the posts made that were racist, bigoted, and anti-semitic. I am in no way this kind of person, I love and accept people of all walks of life and have done so for my entire life. I am not the person that the media portrays me to be in real life, I was trolling and posting things to get a reaction from the subs on reddit and never meant any of the hateful things I said in those posts. I would never support any kind of violence or actions against others simply for what they believe in, their religion, or the lifestyle they choose to have. Nor would I carry out any violence against anyone based upon that or support anyone who did.

.... I do not advocate violence against the press and the meme I posted was in no way advocating that in any way, shape or form

.... So to the members of this community, the site, the media (especially CNN), and anyone offended by the posts, again I apologize. This is one individual that you will not see posting hurtful or hateful things in jest online.

But of course – this fucking guy had to weigh in and play the victim in this whole mess. I’m of course talking about David Duke. David Duke is now officially this week’s “This Fucking Guy”.

Former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke complained that journalists had terrorized him for decades after a reporter was flooded with death threats for exposing the “obviously racist” creator of an animation shared by President Donald Trump.

The president tweeted out Sunday an animated GIF depicting himself body-slamming CNN, and writing professor and journalist Jared Yates Sexton revealed the social media meme was created by a Reddit user called “HanAssholeSolo.”

That person made frequent racist and threatening posts on Reddit, reported Sexton, including one earlier this month identifying Jewish employees of CNN.

Duke responded to Trump’s tweet by justifying violence against journalists, who he accused of promoting violence against him dating back to his time with a neo-Nazi student group at Louisiana State University and as imperial wizard of the KKK.

Thank you Master Yoda! That is indeed why you fail. That’s this week for:

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[font size="8"]Martin Shkreli
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I’ll tell you who didn’t have a good 4th of July – poster boy for greed and winner of Maxim Magazine’s “Most Punchable Face” reader’s poll – Martin Shkreli. My producers are telling me that’s not a thing. And that picture we used was actually the cover for Andrew WK’s album “I Get Wet”. But for this piece we’ll pretend it was. So this week the jury selection for the Martin Shkreli trial began and well, it was absolutely crazy. Here’s more.

Not much Martin Shkreli has done the past two weeks has helped him in a trial that could put him behind bars for 20 years for eight counts of securities and wire fraud.

He was personally rebuked by the judge for speaking to reporters about his case inside the Brooklyn courthouse and on the streets outside where jurors could potentially hear him. He has mocked prosecutors on a live stream on his Facebook page and called them a "junior varsity" team to news outlets. One day, he strolled into a room filled with reporters and made light of a witness who had just testified against him.

And yet, despite the antics and his attorneys' acknowledging that Shkreli is an "odd duck," legal experts say the flamboyant former hedge fund manager is putting on a novel defense that may resonate with jurors.

At the heart of his team's legal argument is this question: Is his alleged wrongdoing worth a criminal conviction if his investors did not lose money?

Yes… let the greed flow through you! Come over to the dark side! Well here’s an interesting development in the case – the judge put a gag order on Shkreli because he won’t shut the fuck up about his impending trial!

NEW YORK — Federal prosecutors Monday asked a judge to muzzle so-called "Pharma Bro" Martin Shkreli for the balance of his ongoing conspiracy and fraud trial.

Raising concern that Shkreli's in-person and social media criticism and statements about the case risk "tainting the jury," prosecutors asked U.S. District Court Judge Kiyo Matsumoto to limit Shkreli's statements outside the Brooklyn courtroom.

As an alternative, prosecutors sought semi-sequestration of the 18 jurors and alternates who were seated last week, in a bid to keep them from hearing and potentially being influenced by any of his comments.

But here’s some of the potential jurors and witnesses for the case that could put Pharma Douche behind bars for the next 20 years.

Several potential jurors at the federal securities fraud trial of Martin “Pharma Bro” Shkreli were excused on Monday after telling the judge they couldn’t be impartial toward the flamboyant former pharmaceutical CEO because of his notoriety for raising the cost of a life-saving drug 5,000%.

At jury selection in a Brooklyn courtroom, US district judge Kiyo Matsumoto questioned the potential jurors at sidebars out of earshot from Shkreli.

One called him “the face of corporate greed”, another labeled him “the most hated man in America” and a third gestured as if wringing his neck.

Yet another was sent home after confiding that when she saw Shkreli sitting at the defense table, “I said in my head, ‘That’s a snake’.”

Opening statements could come as soon as Tuesday.

But this might be my favorite of them all – sure you can’t be impartial to a douchebag like Martin Shkreli who is seen here looking like he’s in a Rick Ross video:

But this might be my favorite of them all. I don’t know who you are sir, but the next time I’m in New York City, we should grab a beer!


"....More than 120 potential jurors were dismissed Monday from the federal court trial in Brooklyn, where Shkreli faces eight counts of securities and wire fraud related to his two hedge funds and the drug company Retrophin, reported the New York Times.
“I think he’s a very evil man,” said another woman. “I don’t think I can be fair. My opinion is pretty well formed. I wouldn’t want to serve on this jury.

But even jurors who had never heard of Shkreli seemed to hate him on sight.
“I looked right at him, and in my head, I said, ‘That’s a snake’ — not knowing who he was,” said one woman.

Another man just didn’t like the looks of him.
“He kind of looks like a dick,” the man said."....

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[font size="8"]Infowars And Goop
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You know we were on break last week, but I couldn’t love this next story more! Hey everybody! It’s time to open up the Top 10 Home Shopping Network!

Yes thank you fellow shoppers! We go live to the floor! So what do we have this week? Well, a blog based in Australia discovered something shocking about two drastically different websites.
On the left – you have celebrity lifestyle guru Gwenyth Paltrow’s venerable GOOP blog which hawks insane items like the Jade Egg and butthole steaming aimed at well, people with way more money than they do brains. On the right is psycho pundit Alex Jones’ venerable Infowars blog which hawks doomsday prepper merchandise aimed at today’s active deplorables. Let’s explore this further.

Near the end of a profile of Amanda Chantal Bacon, founder of the “wellness” brand Moon Juice, the New York Times Magazine noted that many of the alternative-medicine ingredients in her products are sold—with very different branding—on the Infowars store. That’s the site run by Alex Jones, the radio show host and conspiracy theorist who has said that both the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School and the Boston Marathon bombing were staged. Moon Juice is frequently recommended by Gwyneth Paltrow’s wellness blog, Goop; it’s a favorite of Hollywood celebrities and others who can afford things like $25 “activated cashews.” Infowars, on the other hand, is a dark corner of the American right, heavy on guns, light on government intervention, and still very mad at Obama.

We at Quartz have created a compendium, from Ashwagandha to zizyphus, of the magical healing ingredients both sides of the political spectrum are buying, and how they are presented to each. We looked at the ingredients used in products sold on the Infowars store, and compared them to products on the wellness shops Moon Juice and Goop. All make similar claims about the health benefits of these ingredients, but what gets called “Super Male Vitality” by Infowars is branded as “Sex Dust” by Moon Juice.

Because GOOP will sell just about anything. Now here’s where it gets weird! As was said in the article – what GOOP calls “sex dust”, Infowars calls “Super Male Vitality”. I mean it’s absolutely insane what they can sell – and anyone will buy it!!! So here’s what is behind door #1:

Nikhil Sonnad at Quartz noted in an article yesterday that many of the same pseudoscientific products that are sold on Gwyneth Paltrow‘s website Goop are also being sold on Alex Jones‘ shop at Infowars.

And they said liberals and conservatives had nothing in common…

There are lots of examples of the same useless products marketed to the different audiences. None of them will truly help anybody. All of them cost far more than anyone should be paying for them.

But should we really be surprised by this? When you’re incapable of critical thinking, and you’re influenced by anecdotes instead of evidence, and when you don’t care what scientists and experts have to say, you can be duped into believing whatever people want you to believe. Jones wants you to believe his conspiracy theories and Paltrow wants women to stick jade eggs in their vaginas.

That’s right – the website that hawks the jade egg has something in common with the website that sells you body armor, water filters, and other doomsday prepper merch. Hey if there’s one thing everyone has in common is that we get sold the same bullshit, am I right? Well let’s show you just a few of the items you can buy all for low, low prices! All it takes is a phone and a credit card today! Here’s what is behind door number one – brain food!


Also an Ayurvedic herb, said to reduce stress, improve memory, and treat epilepsy, among other purported benefits. Goop uses bacopa in a supplement pack called “Why am I so Effing Tired;” Infowars sticks it in its “Brain Force Plus.” The science, based on animal studies, shows some preliminary—but contradictory—evidence of improvements to memory and brain function. There is minimal support for the claims about epilepsy and anxiety.

Goop: Why am I so effing tired

Formulated with a variety of vitamins (including a high dose of the B’s) and supplements—many sourced from ancient Ayurveda—this helps re-balance an overtaxed system. Replenishing the nutrients you may be lacking may improve energy levels and diminish stress.

Infowars: Brain Force Plus

Top scientists and researchers agree: we are being hit by toxic weapons in the food and water supply that are making us fat, sick, and stupid. It’s time to fight back with Brain Force Plus, the next generation of advanced neural activation.

And here’s what is behind door number two! Immuno bullshit!

Cordyceps mushroom

Another obscure fungus, this one used in traditional Chinese medicine. It is purported to “increase immune function,” act as a natural aphrodisiac, and improve stamina. According to Goop, it’s “an important Yang tonic,” which means it provides “masculine energy.” There is some preliminary evidence for the immune system thing, but other claims are unproven. Goop sells cordyceps as a dietary supplement; Infowars infuses them into its “Wake Up America” coffee.

Goop: Sun Potion

Organic, USA-grown cordyceps mushroom and is [sic] an important Yang tonic. May support the oxygenation of the whole body, mental power, muscle tone, sexual energy, and immune function. Mix 1/2 teaspoon (2 grams) in warm water or tea 1-2 times daily. Great added to soups, smoothies, raw chocolate, and anytime you are looking to activate fortitude, sensuality, and endurance.

Infowars: Wake Up America Immune Support Blend 100% Organic Coffee

Certain strands of mushroom such as Cordyceps and Reishi have a history of medicinal use spanning millennia in countries such as China, Tibet, and Japan. Throughout history these are [sic] some of the most expensive herbal raw materials in the world. Only recently has western medicine begun to research all the potential medical benefits of medicinal mushrooms. The cutting-edge Wake Up America! Immune Support Blend brings ancient Asian wisdom together with modern technology.

And finally behind door #3 – herbal bullshit!

Eyebright herb

The two sides of our herbal medicine spectrum seem to have come to different conclusions about what “eyebright” does for the eyes. Infowars sells it in a supplement called “Occu Power,” which makes your eyes “healthy.” Goop sells it as an ingredient in eye makeup. There is no scientific evidence for its purported eye health benefits.

Goop: Vapour Beauty’s Mesmerize Eye Shimmer

This is a sheer, modern wash of gleamy color that’s as brilliant all over the lid as it is when used as a translucent, smoky touch of liner. Made with organic chrysanthemum, eyebright, and horsetail herb—the blend is Vapour’s famous Herbal Eyebright complex—the creamy stick is hydrating and packed with antioxidants to treats [sic] the delicate eye area, soothing inflammation and stimulating circulation.

Infowars: Occu Power

Occu-Power by Infowars Life is a new formulation specifically designed to nutritionally assist the natural function of healthy eyes. Arguably the most important sense, sight is the primary input to the brain. Combining key ingredients like astaxanthin, lutein, and Eyebright herb extract, Occu-Power is a long awaited ‘super formula’ now available exclusively through the Infowars Life line.

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[font size="8"]Alex Jones
[br] [/font]

Sigh. Roll tape.

Yes. That’s a thing that was said. Which is why Alex Jones is our number one idiot this week. Don’t let him think I am not letting this one slide. Yes, so Infowars host and guy who has smoke blowing out of his ears Bugs Bunny style… just ponder that image for a minute, Alex Jones, said what might be the craziest thing he’s ever said. Let’s explore further.

President Trump conducted an interview in December 2015 with noted conspiracy theorist Alex Jones during which he praised Jones' reputation as "amazing," and the two reportedly remain in touch. (Jones' site InfoWars has reported, among other things, that the U.S. government planned 9/11 and that the Sandy Hook massacre was staged.) Trump's administration, meanwhile, appears to have distributed a February press release to InfoWars, and in May, the White House gave a press pass to an InfoWars "reporter." Trump's 2020 campaign organization also cited the publication in a mass email earlier this month, and Trump's son Donald Jr. has said that another well-known conspiracist (Mike Cernovich) now employed by the site deserves a Pulitzer Prize.

Unfortunately, the cozy relationship between Jones' operation and the current administration may now be in jeopardy: On Thursday, InfoWars accused NASA—which is part of the executive branch!—of running a slave colony for kidnapped children on Mars. From the Daily Beast's writeup of Jones' interview with an individual named Robert David Steele:

Yes so NASA somehow kidnaps children and forces them to live on Mars. And that there’s human alien hybrids living on Earth. Someone just watched Men In Black!

Yes they don’t know about it. Or do they? Well there’s more to this.

You might know Alex Jones as the guy who peddles conspiracy theories about politics and pizza. Or you might know him as the guy who was successfully sued by yogurt. But it’s easy to forget that he also believes some rather interesting things about NASA, the moon, and alien life.

Ever since Donald Trump entered the presidential race, the majority of Jones’s energy has been focused on pushing conspiracy theories about politics and the media into the mainstream. But Jones isn’t a very discerning conspiracy theorist, and his show from June 29th is a great reminder of that.

Media Matters for America spotted a clip where Jones and his guest talk about how there’s a colony on Mars where human children are sent to be slaves. Seriously.

WTF. I mean I thought Pizzagate was a steaming load of bullshit. Especially when it was revealed that Comet Ping Pong had no basement. Well, this might be a new low even for them! I mean this latest theory from Jones was so batshit crazy, off the wall fucking stupid that NASA had to respond to it:

The situation for human beings on Mars is dire, and not just because the red planet's atmosphere is mostly carbon dioxide and the average temperature is -81 degrees.

There's also the issue of the child-trafficking ring operating in secret on the planet 33.9 million miles from earth, according to a guest on the Alex Jones Show.

“We actually believe that there is a colony on Mars that is populated by children who were kidnapped and sent into space on a 20-year ride,” Robert David Steele said Thursday during a winding, conspiratorial dialogue with Jones about child victims of sex crimes. “So that once they get to Mars they have no alternative but to be slaves on the Mars colony.”

NASA did not immediately respond to requests for comment.

But Guy Webster, a spokesman for Mars exploration at NASA, told the Daily Beast that rumors about live humans on Mars are false.

“There are no humans on Mars,” he said. “There are active rovers on Mars. There was a rumor going around last week that there weren’t. There are, but there are no humans.”

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[font size="8"]Chris Christie
[br] [/font]

Did everyone have a good 4th of July? No limbs blown off? Good! You are smarter than the average Trump supporter!

I’ll tell you who had a *REALLY* good 4th of July – New Jersey governor and former Donald Trump stage prop Chris Christie. Who recently unseated Sam Brownback as America’s worst governor.

Gov. Chris Christie (R-N.J.) is the most unpopular governor in America, according to a Morning Consult poll published Tuesday.

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie had a tough 2016, and this year isn’t starting off any better for him,” the Morning Consult poll states.

The poll found that Christie, a former Republican presidential candidate, has an approval rating of only 25 percent among New Jersey voters while 71 percent of New Jersey voters disapprove of him.

According to Morning Consult, Christie’s approval rating “took a turn for the worse” in New Jersey after he endorsed Donald Trump for president in the Republican primary after ending his own bid for the nomination. Christie’s approval rating was also impacted by the “Bridgegate” scandal.

And you know why Chris Christie is the worst governor in America today? Well here’s how he celebrated his 4th of July!

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie uses the beach with his family and friends at the governor's summer house at Island Beach State Park in New Jersey on July 2. Christie is defending his use of the beach, closed to the public during New Jersey's government shutdown, saying he had previously announced his vacation plans and the media had simply "caught a politician keeping his word."

That's him and his family way down there, alone on the beach. Here's a closer look:

Later that day, Christie took the state helicopter to Trenton to hold a press conference urging the state legislature to agree to a budget deal. The impasse, in its third day at that point, had led Christie to suspend a number of state services -- including ordering the closure of state-run beaches.

Can we show that picture?

Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Dude I don’t want to make fat jokes here but fuck it. Chris Christie is a fat fuck!!! So he closes the beaches because of “budget cuts” (fuck you, Koch Bros!!!), and then he gets the beach to himself! USA! USA! USA! If a democratic governor had done that, the GOP would be calling for their heads! But guess what? If the budget of New Jersey is so tight, why the fuck does the governor own a beach house? That is the question on the table!

After some opportune aerial photographs showed NJ Governor Chris Christie sunbathing on a beach during a government shutdown (that closed state beaches), his lieutenant governor slammed him, saying, "It's beyond words." Now, Lt. Governor Kim Guadagno wants to sell the New Jersey governor's summer residence that launched a thousand memes.

A three-day government shutdown over how much control NJ can have over its largest insurer kept state facilities, like parks and beaches, closed. But Christie went ahead with his family plans to head to the NJ governor's beach house at Island State Beach and spend Monday on the otherwise closed beach.

The incriminating photographs, which Star-Ledger photographer Andrew Mills captured by hanging out of a private plane, reinforced a perception of Christie as an out-of-touch, unethical, lame-duck and petty bureaucrat.

But you know Chris, maybe this whole governing thing is too hard for you! Maybe you should seek a new career opportunity. Well he’s got one in the form of sports talk! Yes, your drive time morning sports show could soon feature America’s worst governor!

TRENTON, N.J. — New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is set to find out what a photo of him hanging out at a beach closed to the public means for his popularity and then audition for a new job.

A Monmouth University poll of the governor's popularity will be released Monday afternoon.

The Republican will then fill in for Mike Francesa on WFAN. The station says the appearances Monday and Tuesday are an audition as it seeks a replacement for the departing host.

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[font size="8"]Steve Green
[br] [/font]

Hobby Lobby. That store you go to, to make decorative words say funny phrases like this:

But this week, actually the last 7 years, did you know that Steve Green, the CEO of Hob by Lobby, has been quietly sneaking out priceless, ancient religious artifacts out of Iraq? And this week, he got caught red handed. But the purpose – when you find out about it – will make your blood boil.

Hobby Lobby, the arts-and-crafts chain whose devout Christian owners won a landmark Supreme Court ruling on religious freedom, is caught up in an antiquities-smuggling scandal that has opened the company to accusations of hypocrisy.

The Oklahoma City-based business agreed to pay a $3 million fine Wednesday over its role in what federal prosecutors said was the smuggling into the U.S. of ancient clay tablets, seals and other Iraqi archaeological objects that might have been looted from the war-torn country.

Online, many people piled on, with more than one saying things like: "I guess the rules don't apply to them, like 'Thou shall not steal.'"

Hobby Lobby, whose president, Steve Green, has been collecting ancient artifacts since 2009 and is building an $800 million Bible museum in Washington, pleaded naivete in doing business with dealers in the Middle East.

Yeah this is definitely worthy of the Jesus facepalm. Because… Steve Green is the one who famously tried to argue to be able to discriminate against his employees own religious grounds – and he actually won!!! But how deep does this go? What was at stake?

In 2010, the president of Hobby Lobby spent $1.6 million on thousands of ancient artifacts that he hoped would help build a collection of antiquities related to the Bible.

There was one problem: The items appeared to have been stolen from Iraq, federal authorities alleged, then smuggled into the U.S. from the United Arab Emirates and Israel, bearing labels identifying them as “ceramic tiles” and “Tiles (Sample).”

The Oklahoma City-based arts-and-crafts retailer settled the claims with the government on Wednesday, according to a civil complaint and settlement filed by the Brooklyn U.S. Attorney’s office. Hobby Lobby will surrender the artifacts, pay a $3 million fine and adopt new procedures for buying cultural property.

In a statement posted on its website, the privately held company said its lack of familiarity with the “complexities of the acquisitions process” led to some “regrettable mistakes,” including relying on dealers and shippers who, “in hindsight, did not understand the correct way to document and ship these items.”

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat???? 1.6 million??? And they got them smuggled out as “tile samples”? I’ve been to my local Hobby Lobby, I don’t remember seeing that kind of tile sample anywhere! But what purpose could they possibly be buying all of these artifacts for, I wonder?

Federal prosecutors said the deal was “fraught with red flags,” but Hobby Lobby President Steve Green, who traveled to the Emirates in 2010 to inspect the artifacts, continued to pursue the objects to add the Green family’s collection of historical Biblical pieces. The Hobby Lobby retail chain was started and continues to be owned by the family of company founder David Green. The Green family are outspoken Christians and in June 2014 successfully challenged the Affordable Care Act’s requirement that health insurance providers provide women access to contraception claiming it violated their religious beliefs. The Green family is also bankrolling a new $500 million Museum of the Bible in Washington, D.C.

Ooh, he gets a rare Faithpalm folks! That’s even worse than a facepalm! But yeah he’s only building a ½ billion dollar Bible museum in Washington DC. That nobody will go visit. If the Ark Enconter’s recent financial troubles are any indication of Bible-based tourism”

Ham, of course. He wrote the article. And it includes all the deflections of responsibility that we’ve come to expect from him.

For example, Ham predicts attendance at Ark Encounter will grow in its second year. But only on one condition…

As both the Ark and museum add phases, the economic impact will only get larger. For 2017–2018, Answers in Genesis (owner of both attractions) confidently predicts that the Ark will have even greater attendance than our excellent first year — provided, that is, we see more entrepreneurs building additional hotels to accommodate our visitors.

A few weeks ago, he was blaming atheists for the economic failures in the community. Now he’s blaming people who aren’t building enough hotels in the area.

So a ½ billion dollar museum in an industry that is so desperate for attention that they’re actually writing their own articles blaming the lack of tourism for their attraction’s failures. What could go wrong? And why Washington DC? It’s not like there’s a separation of church and state or anything. But some good news – the museum might not happen after all after last week’s incident!

A federal court settlement that requires Hobby Lobby Stores to pay a $3 million fine for illegally importing thousands of ancient Iraqi artifacts is casting a cloud over the much-anticipated Museum of the Bible associated with the store’s owners just as the museum prepares to open near the Mall.

Hobby Lobby President Steve Green also chairs the board of the Museum of the Bible, and the Green family is the museum’s major funder. In a civil complaint filed Wednesday, federal prosecutors said that the craft store chain that Green leads had smuggled more than 3,000 items into the United States including clay tablets and seals –precisely the sort of artifacts that would be slated for the museum’s collection, which contains many items donated by the Green family.

By the way, did I mention that I found this at my local Hobby Lobby? I didn’t think it was possible!

I hear this thing melts people’s faces off when opened. In which case, Hobby Lobby might want to store it and the artifacts they found from Iraq here.

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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font]

Hit it!

There’s a lot of stupid fucking people out there folks. And not all of them are state representatives, and not all of them live in Florida. And a lot of them are Trump supporters. I’m not saying all Trump supporters are stupid people, but all stupid people are Trump supporters! It’s sad but true. Florida Man does have relatives! So last Tuesday was July 4th, or as it’s known by emergency room doctors “missing thumbs Tuesday”. So since you’re watching my show, you’re obviously smarter than that. Well, we’re going to make you feel even smarter with some stories of some incredibly stupid people! Starting behind door #1 –there’s this story from Oklahoma City where two guys fighting over which franchise was better – Star Trek or Star Wars – turned it into actual fisticuffs:

According to an Oklahoma City Police Department report, the cinematic dispute resulted in the arrest of Jerome Dewayne Whyte, 23, for the assault of Burke Bradley Warren, 19.

During the “Star Wars”/”Star Trek” argument, Warren “became so frustrated” with Whyte that he left the pair’s shared living area and went to his room. As he departed, Warren told Whyte, “You’re just a trick.”

That comment prompted Whyte to follow Warren into his room, where Whyte allegedly twice shoved his roommate to the floor and then sought to “choke out the victim,” police reported. While being strangled, Warren “went in and out of consciousness.”

Since police judged Whyte to be the “aggressor in this altercation,” he was arrested for assault and battery. He was also charged with marijuana possession. A post-arrest computer check revealed that Whyte had outstanding arrest warrants in connection with prior convictions for passing bad checks and child abuse. In both of those cases, Whyte failed to pay fines and restitution ordered at the time of his sentencing.

Thank you Master Yoda! Next there’s this story out of Michigan where a guy trying to get rid of bees burned his house down!

GRAND BLANC TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — A Michigan man who tried to use fireworks to remove a bees’ nest from his garage ended up burning the building down instead.

MLive reports (http://bit.ly/2tHlHLT ) crews responding to the home in Grand Blanc Township on Monday saw fireworks shooting into the sky from the burning garage. No one was injured.

Grand Blanc Fire Chief Bob Burdette says the homeowner was trying to use a smoke bomb to get a bees’ nest out of the garage.

Homeowner Mike Tingley says that while he’s sad about his garage, he’s happy the incident wasn’t worse.

Next up in People Are Dumb – idiots with fireworks! More importantly – idiot teenage males with fireworks! I was an idiot teenage male once, but I never did this!

SKYWAY , Wash. - A 14-year-old boy, who took his parents' SUV for a joyride to get fireworks, wound up accidentally torching the vehicle outside the family's home Tuesday morning.

According to the King County Sheriff's office, the boy took the family's SUV without permission, picked up some friends, went to buy fireworks to celebrate the 4th of July then returned home.

Deputies said the boys were having a Roman candle fight, shooting the fireworks at each other in the front yard, when one of the flames shot through an open window on the family's SUV.

The boys were unable to get the firework out of the car before the dash went up in flames and fire engulfed the car.


Can we show the car?

Next up in People Are Dumb – of course we can’t have this segment without a few stories from our good friend Florida Man, can we? What do you do when you’re tired of walking? The answer – steal a forklift! Twice in this case!

July 3 (UPI) -- Police in Florida said a man caught driving a stolen forklift told officers he was tired of walking -- and it wasn't the first time.

Port Orange Police said an officer approached Bradley Barefoot, 43, who was appropriately barefoot at the time, after spotting him with the stolen forklift.

"There was a male parked in a handicap spot with a piece of heavy equipment that had a mattress on it. The male was barefoot, talking to himself while swearing and throwing his hands up," WKMG-TV quoted the Port Orange Police report as saying.

Barefoot initially told the officer he took the forklift because he thought it was the same one that has been stolen from his boss in Alabama, but he later said he took the $38,000 vehicle because he was tired of walking and he noticed the keys had been left in the ignition.

Read more: http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2017/07/03/Florida-man-tired-of-walking-steals-forklift-again/7871499092746/

Oh come on, you know you fucked up when Captain Picard does it! What else we got? Oh how about this story out of Ohio? I mean come on if you’re going out prostituting, pick a less obvious spot than an America’s Best Value Inn. I mean come on, even that shady motel down the street that calls itself “motel” is a less conspicuous spot than an Americas Best Value Inn!

CLEVELAND -- Five women were arrested at about 8:30 p.m. May 24 after offering undercover Brook Park detectives and Ohio state troopers sex in exchange for money.

Two of the women, 27 and 23, were from Cleveland; two, 30 and 29, were from Garfield Heights, and one, 32, was from Columbus. They had been promoting their services on a classified advertising website and met the undercover officers in a semi-truck parked outside America's Best Value Inn, 14043 Brookpark.

A sixth woman, who accompanied the other five, was arrested after police found her with glass drug pipes, hypodermic needles and spoons. She was wanted in Warrensville Heights.

The arrests occurred during the NBA Eastern Conference finals between the Cleveland Cavaliers and Boston Celtics. Police said prostitution activities increase when out-of-town guests visit the Cleveland area for special events.

Read more: http://www.cleveland.com/brook-park/index.ssf/2017/06/police_arrest_prostitutes_outs.html

That one gets the epic facepalm! Finally from the Idiots With Guns category, there’s this story out of Pennsylvania – where a guy attending a protest at Gettysburg did this:

GETTYSBURG--A "patriot" who brought a revolver to Gettysburg National Military Park Saturday amid rumors of desecration of memorials accidentally shot himself in the leg Saturday.

Benjamin Hornberger, 23, of Shippensburg, accidentally triggered the revolver, which was inside a leg holster, when he temporarily rested the bottom of his flag pole against the holster, according to witnesses.

Park police were nearby when the shooting occurred and officers quickly applied a tourniquet that may have saved the man's life, said Sgt. Anna Rose, a spokeswoman with the U.S. Park Police.

The gun then went off a second time about 1 p.m. when police were trying to unload the weapon. The gun was pointed at the ground in a field north of Meade's Headquarters along the west side of Taneytown Road. A PennLive reporter witnessed the second shot, which occurred as visitors to the park milled nearby.

That is it for this week’s edition of People Are Dumb!

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[font size="8"]World Tour Destination #5: England [br] [/font] [br]

Part of our mission statement here at the Top 10 Conservative Idiots is to show you that conservative idiocy isn’t just a problem with America. No, it’s a global problem that is stemming far and wide, and it’s not just America where conservative idiots ruin everything they touch. And if you’re thinking of moving out of the United States just because Donald J. Trump is our current president and our nation is turning to shit, you should know what it is you’re getting into should you decide that you want to leave the country. We’re currently on the 5th destination of our World Tour. And we are wondering – is England the liberal utopia everyone thinks it is? Well they just had a recent election that was fucking batshit crazy. Here’s the tour schedule:

[font size="6"]England (AKA United Kingdom[/font]

Our next destination is England. You know – the United States wouldn’t exist without England, and now they are one of our closest allies in Europe. But maybe they won’t be after 4 years of Donald Trump as our president. . By the way, we’re proud to announce the new official beer of the Top 10 – Iron Maiden’s Trooper Ale!

*Trump voice* Buy American, OK? Yeah we will at some point! England is the home of such world wonders as Westminster Abbey and Big Ben. It’s also home to one of the world’s original natural wonders – Stonehenge!

England is also the home of some of the world’s largest automotive manufacturers. You may not think of England as a car capital of the world – but they’re home to exotic and more common cars that range from uber luxury brands like Aston Martin, Jaguar, Bentley, and McLaren, to SUV that your pretentious neighbor owns because it makes them feel like an explorer – Land Rover, to everyone’s favorite, the Mini Cooper, and GM’s Vauxhall brand. England is also home to the British Premier League and some of the best football teams in the world including Manchester United, Manchester City, Leicester City, FC Chelsea, and London’s Arsenal. But don’t go screaming that one team is better than the other or you will get your ass kicked. Also, don’t you dare call it “soccer” or you will get your ass kicked. Liverpool is home to the greatest band of all time, the Beatles and Sherwood Forrest, the home of Robin Hood and his Merry Men. London is also home to everyone’s favorite spy James Bond, and Monty Python, and it’s also home to British television. So many world class bands, musicians and entertainers come from the UK. Like Depeche Mode, Porcupine Tree, Yes, Iron Maiden, Jethro Tull, Radiohead, David Bowie, Coldplay, Blur, the Arctic Monkeys, Pink Floyd, the Rolling Stones, Black Sabbath, The Clash, I could go on and on, but you know what else Great Britain is the home of? It’s the home of some absolutely batshit crazy politics! I give you Lord Buckethead!

Some of the more unorthodox candidates in the British general election have captured the attention of election-watchers around the world.

Among those to have raised the most eyebrows is Lord Buckethead, who appeared alongside Theresa May on the podium as results were read out for the Maidenhead constituency.

Buckethead, a self-described “intergalactic space lord” whose real name is unknown, won 249 votes in the Berkshire contest. It is not the first time Buckethead has stood against a prime minister – a candidate with the same name took on Margaret Thatcher in 1987 and lost with just 131 votes. He also stood against John Major in 1992.

Yes that is Lord Buckethead and Elmo standing right next to British prime minister Theresa May. Who we can all assume was going “Seriously guys… this is a joke, right?”. Yes, that’s my best female British voice impersonation. But there’s been some interesting new developments in Brexit. The biggest one? It’s apparently going nowhere!

What would it take to make those who voted for Brexit change their minds? That may turn out to be the dominant question of British politics over the coming years, as the reality of the British exit from the EU comes ever closer. Even the most diehard remainers concede that the only way it can be halted is if British public opinion has a change of heart, collectively repudiating the verdict it expressed in the referendum of 2016.

That question might seem irrelevant when put to the conviction Brexiteers who led the leave campaign: surely they would be the last people to admit to a change of heart. And yet, now there is a suggestion that even the mastermind of the leave campaign is having his doubts.

I like this one! Also, remember the infamous Brexit Bus? Even he thinks it was a dumb idea! So the people of England who voted for Brexit are really having second thoughts about this whole thing!

One of the most enduring symbols of 2016's UK Brexit referendum was the huge red "battle bus" with its message, "We send the EU £350 million a week, let's fund our NHS instead. Vote Leave."

The bus served as a useful backdrop to such Tory beasts as Michael Gove and Boris Johnson. Independent fact-checkers declared the £350 million figure to be a lie. Within hours of the Brexit vote, the Leave campaign scrubbed its website of all its promises, and Nigel Farage admitted that the £350 million was an imaginary figure and that the NHS would not see an extra penny after Brexit (indeed, the NHS relies heavily on European doctors and nurses who would no longer be welcomed, and the billions the UK would spend on Brexit wouldn't be available for health care).

The bus was the brainchild of Dominic Cummings, Vote Leave campaign director, and shadowy sinister figure.

This week on Twitter, Cummings got into a debate with David Allen Green, in which he confessed that the referendum was a "dumb idea" and the UK's negotiations with the EU were a "guaranteed debacle."

Hmmm… second Brexit? Is that going to be any better than the first Brexit? I don’t know! But enough about Brexit, let’s talk some more about the interesting things that make up England. Like sports! In addition to the British Premiere League, England is the home of Cricket! Where this year the British DOMINATED South Africa in a championship match with a score of 375 – 5. Does the mercy rule apply here?

Arriving at the crease with England 17-2, the 26-year-old then saw them slump to 74-4.

But Root steadied the ship with Ben Stokes and then made hay with Moeen Ali as England closed on 357-5.

Root was fortunate to be dropped in the gully on 16 and was later reprieved by a no-ball when stumped on 149.

Vernon Philander impressed for South Africa, removing both England openers and Jonny Bairstow cheaply.

Perfect clip for this segment! But what else is England the home of? An even crazier sport – British Premiere League darts! Yes, Darts are a gigantic thing in England! Let’s roll the tape on this one!

British darts fans are crazy! I mean come on in the land of the pub, you got to have some drinking games to play, right? And listen to how passionate those fans are! But what else is England the home of? As I said it’s quickly overtaking Germany, the US and Japan as the automotive capital of the world as it’s the home to some 35 different auto manufacturers. It’s also not immune from the oversized SUVs that populate American roadways:

With its picturesque villages and quiet country lanes, the county of Suffolk embodies a vision of a certain kind of Englishness. Yet nestled away in its north-western corner lies a pocket of pure Americana, where the cars are huge, you can pay for a haircut in dollars and the Stars and Stripes flutter proudly.

The accent is unmistakably American.

The man, elderly, slightly hunched but with a freshly cut short-back-and-sides, hauls himself out of the black leather barber's chair and places some money in Steve Snazell's palm.

"Until next time," he says, heading out of the door with a sense of purpose honed from years in the military.

"He's a regular," says Mr Snazell, a second generation barber whose shop sits directly opposite the wired fence of RAF Mildenhall.

[font size="6"]The Verdict[/font]

England’s almost as crazy as the US is. Well, really, they almost are. But their elections can be even crazier when they have guys with giant buckets on their head. If you go or move there, just don’t mention Trump because they apparently hate him in London.
Grade: B+

[font size="6"]Scorecard:[/font]

England has amazing tourism. I've been there. Their culture is great, and they are very American friendly. However, England's political climate right now is an absolute mess thanks to Brexit, and that hurt their overall liberal appeal. Hopefully that will change with the next election and they may be able to get out of Brexit unscathed, but that remains to be seen.

Tourism: A+
Culture: A+
Political Spectrum: D+
Liberal Appeal: C

Overall: B-

[font size="6"]Next Week[/font]

Next week – we’re going back to continental Europe to discuss the country that is currently the leader of the free world, Germany. Wait, wait, the Germans are the leaders of the free world? NEIN!!!!

[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8"]Iron Maiden[/font]

SCREAM FOR ME TOP 10!!!!! My next guest needs no introduction and they are proud to represent their home country of England – you know them, you love them, their latest album is called “The Book Of Souls”. Get it or you’re no friend of this show. Playing their song called “Speed Of Light” from that album, give it up for IRON FUCKING MAIDEN!!!!!

Yeah how about… what? They want to stick around for one more? Sure!

Yeah how about that?

See you next week!


Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Irvine Improv, Irvine, CA
Special Thanks To: Improv Group
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
UK Hosting: BBC 4, Manchester Bureau
Iron Maiden Appear Courtesy Of: Sanctuary Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter: @DUInitechTop10

Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

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Arrow 10 replies Author Time Post
Reply Top 10 Conservative Idiots #3-5: Diary Of A Wimpy Trump Edition (Original post)
Initech Jul 2017 OP
underpants Jul 2017 #1
Initech Jul 2017 #2
underpants Jul 2017 #3
Initech Jul 2017 #4
Initech Jul 2017 #5
malaise Jul 2017 #6
irisblue Jul 2017 #7
Mc Mike Jul 2017 #8
malaise Jul 2017 #9
Initech Jul 2017 #10

Response to Initech (Original post)

Wed Jul 12, 2017, 01:21 PM

1. How many spots will Jr. take up next week?

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Response to underpants (Reply #1)

Wed Jul 12, 2017, 01:31 PM

2. I'd say at least 3.

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Response to Initech (Reply #2)

Wed Jul 12, 2017, 01:50 PM

3. The week is only 1/2 way through

He's got lots of opportunities

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Response to underpants (Reply #3)

Wed Jul 12, 2017, 02:43 PM

4. Maybe next week I could do an edition entirely devoted to Trump and Trump Jr.

But I got to stick to the World Tour schedule!

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Response to underpants (Reply #3)

Wed Jul 12, 2017, 05:34 PM

5. I just thought of the best name for next week's edition.

"Little Douche Coup". I heard the Beach Boys song "Little Deuce Coupe" on the radio and thought it would be perfect!

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Response to Initech (Original post)

Wed Jul 12, 2017, 05:47 PM

6. Thanks Initech

Off to read

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Response to Initech (Original post)

Wed Jul 12, 2017, 05:49 PM

7. Kick

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Response to Initech (Original post)

Wed Jul 12, 2017, 06:43 PM

8. Rec, thanks Ini.

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Response to Initech (Original post)

Thu Jul 13, 2017, 07:44 PM

9. Greatstuff Initech

Idiots is a compliment for these goons

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Response to malaise (Reply #9)

Thu Jul 13, 2017, 07:54 PM

10. That is definitely true!

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