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Sun Mar 27, 2016, 09:17 AM

 

RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's one for you.

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog,
which weighs 191 lbs. (The dog, not the bag.)  I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked
if I had a dog.

      What did she think I had, an elephant?

      So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her
      that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I
      added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital
      last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
      an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
      orifices and IVs in both arms.

      I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
      that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets
      and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food
      is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to
      try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone
      in line was now enthralled with my story.)

      Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog
      food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant
      and a car hit me.

      I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

      Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
      Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the
      time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

67 replies, 20725 views

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Arrow 67 replies Author Time Post
Reply RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO (Original post)
B Calm Mar 2016 OP
malaise Mar 2016 #1
Baobab Mar 2016 #40
malaise Mar 2016 #51
SamKnause Mar 2016 #2
Locrian Mar 2016 #4
surrealAmerican Mar 2016 #12
2naSalit Mar 2016 #19
rufus dog Mar 2016 #38
left-of-center2012 Mar 2016 #25
RazBerryBeret Mar 2016 #3
Frustratedlady Mar 2016 #5
cannabis_flower Mar 2016 #6
cureautismnow Mar 2016 #7
spooky3 Mar 2016 #34
3catwoman3 Mar 2016 #53
spooky3 Mar 2016 #54
3catwoman3 Mar 2016 #56
spooky3 Mar 2016 #57
3catwoman3 Mar 2016 #58
2naSalit Mar 2016 #55
DashOneBravo Mar 2016 #8
edgineered Mar 2016 #9
Plucketeer Mar 2016 #10
cprise Mar 2016 #11
Cirque du So-What Mar 2016 #13
1939 Mar 2016 #14
heaven05 Mar 2016 #15
Iggo Mar 2016 #16
Bernardo de La Paz Mar 2016 #17
truebluegreen Mar 2016 #18
Bernardo de La Paz Mar 2016 #20
truebluegreen Mar 2016 #22
klook Mar 2016 #21
Fritz Walter Mar 2016 #64
SusanCalvin Mar 2016 #23
Wounded Bear Mar 2016 #24
noretreatnosurrender Mar 2016 #26
RoccoR5955 Mar 2016 #27
Dustlawyer Mar 2016 #28
SmittynMo Mar 2016 #29
liberal N proud Mar 2016 #30
burfman Mar 2016 #31
Duval Mar 2016 #32
cab67 Mar 2016 #33
ohnoyoudidnt Mar 2016 #47
kdmorris Mar 2016 #35
nikto Mar 2016 #36
rhett o rick Mar 2016 #49
nikto Mar 2016 #67
No Vested Interest Mar 2016 #37
CaliforniaPeggy Mar 2016 #39
TipTok Mar 2016 #41
SoapBox Mar 2016 #42
Silver_Witch Mar 2016 #43
HockeyMom Mar 2016 #44
benld74 Mar 2016 #45
Liberal In Texas Mar 2016 #46
Crunchy Frog Mar 2016 #48
ebayfool Mar 2016 #50
w0nderer Mar 2016 #52
A HERETIC I AM Mar 2016 #61
w0nderer Mar 2016 #66
PoliticAverse Mar 2016 #59
Tab Mar 2016 #60
davidthegnome Mar 2016 #62
Danascot Mar 2016 #63
markbark Mar 2016 #65

Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 09:20 AM

1. Freaking

hilarious

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Response to malaise (Reply #1)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 05:25 PM

40. I used to have a nutty roomate who ate (just tiny amounts of) dog food too.

He did it mostly to get the dogs all worked up. For dramatic effect.

We all had dogs in that household.

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Response to Baobab (Reply #40)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 07:51 PM

51. I know folks who have eaten dog food

Yuck!!

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 09:23 AM

2. I love your story.

I am a bit confused.

Are you seriously banned from Costco, or is it just part of your story ?

If so, what is their reasoning for banning you ???

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Response to SamKnause (Reply #2)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 09:27 AM

4. I think

I think the OP's only banned in Costco if they're "off leash".

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Response to SamKnause (Reply #2)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 10:10 AM

12. He probably shouldn't have chewed up items on the lower shelves.

They don't like it when you do that.

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Response to SamKnause (Reply #2)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 10:50 AM

19. He didn't mention

that he peed on some display in aisle five.

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Response to 2naSalit (Reply #19)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 05:15 PM

38. Peed!

 

I hear he dropped a duece by the meat freezer.

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Response to SamKnause (Reply #2)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 11:11 AM

25. "Are you seriously banned from Costco?"

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 09:24 AM

3. haha....

Love this story! thanks for sharing it!

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 09:33 AM

5. Thanks for the chuckles! Quite a visual...I

hope you were done before the car hit!

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 09:44 AM

6. I've seen this one before

but it's still hilarious.

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 09:52 AM

7. Bon Appetit!

Great story. I would have loved to see the expression on her face when you got to the punch line.

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Response to cureautismnow (Reply #7)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 12:30 PM

34. I think you mean "Bone Appetit"!

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Response to spooky3 (Reply #34)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 09:33 PM

53. Pinboy3niner better watch out!

He's got some serious pun competition with that one. Well done!

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Response to 3catwoman3 (Reply #53)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 10:25 PM

54. Why, thank you!



And I have 3 cats too (as your name implies) - all rescues.

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Response to spooky3 (Reply #54)

Mon Mar 28, 2016, 12:23 AM

56. You are most welcome.

We had 3 cats when I first created a screen name. We had 5 until about a month ago, until our chronically ill guy (multiple problems starting in 2009, and ultimately accumulating 6 different diagnoses) crossed the Rainbow Bridge. He was not quite 12, so he had been on meds over half his life.

So, now we have 4. Ours are all rescues, too. I keep the original screen name to honor the 3 we had at the time, one of whom is still with us.

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Response to 3catwoman3 (Reply #56)

Mon Mar 28, 2016, 12:36 AM

57. Poor little guy. But it is great of you to care for so many rescues.

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Response to spooky3 (Reply #57)

Mon Mar 28, 2016, 12:46 AM

58. If I weren't married, I'd...

...probably have 6, or maybe more. My husband has his limits.

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Response to spooky3 (Reply #34)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 11:08 PM

55. Might as well bury it ay home and call it "bone appetite"

and get it over with.

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 09:54 AM

8. Thanks for sharing that !

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 09:56 AM

9. Stories like that are exactly why

people that like you, love you, and that those that don't, think you're insane. Having daughters on each side of topic tells me that you are probably a master of pan face comedy and can separate the non-thinkers in three words or less.

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 09:58 AM

10. LOL!

 

Love it!

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 10:01 AM

11. Gotta love it!

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 10:26 AM

13. Sure, you got better

but I bet that the last time you went to the hospital, you got a CAT scan.

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 10:29 AM

14. Saw this a couple of weeks ago, but it was Walmart

and he stopped to sniff a poodle's butt when he was hit by the car.

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 10:35 AM

15. I laughed so hard

 

side splitter

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 10:40 AM

16. Ba-dump, psh!!!



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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 10:46 AM

17. Costco thinks that laughter is bad for business and employee morale? Hmm. . . nt

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Response to Bernardo de La Paz (Reply #17)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 10:49 AM

18. it's a joke....

 

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Response to truebluegreen (Reply #18)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 10:52 AM

20. I know. I also know I'm not as good at making jokes

(I branched off from the line about not being allowed to shop there anymore)

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Response to Bernardo de La Paz (Reply #20)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 10:55 AM

22. oh, ok

 

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 10:55 AM

21. Thanks, folks - I'll be here all week!

...because the line is so long with people buying 30 lbs. of frozen wings, 8 bottles of wine, 14 shirts, a surfboard, 36 rolls of paper towels, etc. etc. etc.

Great joke - thank you! (Was just in a Costco yesterday myself -- a 3-hour trip!)

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Response to klook (Reply #21)

Mon Mar 28, 2016, 07:37 AM

64. Try the veal

They're giving out free samples by the frozen meat section.

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 11:08 AM

23. Oh my. I seldom get a laugh like that. Thank you. nt

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 11:09 AM

24. Well, did they at least refund your annual membership fee?



(Hey, I got the joke. Seen it before actually, but still hilarious)

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 11:13 AM

26. Very Funny

My husband and I both enjoyed this one.

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 11:16 AM

27. You don't have to be retired

 

to say crazy things. I personally have a reputation for saying crazy things for quite some time.
Though I will be retiring in about a year, you can ask anyone who knows me if I say crazy things.
AFAIC, you gotta say crazy things, and make people laugh at them, while they think, or life isn't worth living.

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 11:18 AM

28. Someone after my own heart! Lol

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 11:31 AM

29. Now that was f'ing funny

Made my day.

I'm recently retired too. Since I love f'ing with people too (kinda reminds me of Betty White- Off their rockers), I'm going to start going out of my way to f with people even more.

This was a good one. I'll have to remember this. One thing for sure...... as I get older, the less I give a shit. It's all about having fun in life and with people. The gullible ones are the most fun.

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 11:32 AM

30. I would love to have that quick of wit

I can be snarky, but nothing that good.

Most recently I asked the girl scouts selling cookies how many boxes of Thin Mints does it take before the start working.

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 11:36 AM

31. Kramer takes dog medicine

Sort of like this......

Burfman............



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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 12:19 PM

32. Wish I had witnessed that!

 

And thanks for my first real laugh for today.


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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 12:20 PM

33. I have several friends who are physical anthropologists.

Some of them actually keep bags of Purina monkey chow on hand for emergencies. One even keeps a bag in the trunk of his car. They get interesting looks when they explain that they don't actually have pet monkeys. The diets of most monkeys (including the species for which the monkey chow was made, primarily macaques) are close enough to human diets that humans can live quite well on monkey chow. I've never tried it myself, so I have no idea if such a diet is desirable.

(We used to refer to cheap ramen noodles as Purina Grad Student Chow.)

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Response to cab67 (Reply #33)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 06:47 PM

47. I'd rather keep a few MREs in my trunk.

They would taste better than monkey food, I think.

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 12:38 PM

35. *SNORT* ROFL

Thanks for the laugh

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 04:41 PM

36. Current retirees should have mercy on younger folks ...

 

They won't get to retire like we did.

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Response to nikto (Reply #36)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 07:45 PM

49. The Conservatives including the Conservative Democrats don't believe in retirement for peons.

 

Sadly they don't believe in jobs for us either. I am including Clinton and Obama and their TPP and attacks on SS.

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Response to rhett o rick (Reply #49)

Wed Mar 30, 2016, 10:58 PM

67. Agreed

 

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 04:48 PM

37. Love it! Great one! nt

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 05:22 PM

39. I'm still laughing! Thank you, my dear B Calm!

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 05:30 PM

41. FW: FW: Re: Re: FW:

 

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 05:57 PM

42. Woof!

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 05:59 PM

43. Oh no you didn't!

 

I am so glad you did!!!

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 06:22 PM

44. Sounds like something my husband WOULD say

 

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 06:23 PM

45. Ha

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 06:41 PM

46. Old internet mail joke

Saw it a couple of months ago.

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 06:49 PM

48. I've seen that story before, but it was either Walmart or Target.

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 07:49 PM

50. Ok ... that was funny! I think I hurt myself laughing! n/t

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Sun Mar 27, 2016, 08:32 PM

52. Really? they kicked you out / 86'ed your membership????

The frack????


i had my co-stepdad (triad..in those days..MMF)
2 kids...running at me demanding candy in check out line, me aikidoing them to the ground/submission

only thing i saw was 2 moms going 'teach us that stuff!'

--on edit---on side note---
that was really funny!

kinda like when i asked for 4x40 pound bags of 'worlds best kitty litter' so i could make a latrine in the backyard

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Response to w0nderer (Reply #52)

Mon Mar 28, 2016, 02:39 AM

61. I hate to do this, because ...well......

IT'S. A. JOKE!

And an old one at that. Probably Readers Digest, circa 1967 or so.

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Response to A HERETIC I AM (Reply #61)

Mon Mar 28, 2016, 01:59 PM

66. so

before i was born, in a foreign country's literature

yep never saw it before

then again people have to explain natasha and moose and i love lucy jokes too

takes time to absorb popculture

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Mon Mar 28, 2016, 01:39 AM

59. The Counselor...

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Mon Mar 28, 2016, 02:05 AM

60. That's a hoot

but really, a 191 lb dog? Gotta get that thing looked at.

Funny slice of life, tho... THanks!

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Mon Mar 28, 2016, 04:34 AM

62. Thanks

Was feeling really depressed, didn't think anything could make me laugh - but your post did it. Stopped to pee on a fire hydrant... lol

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Mon Mar 28, 2016, 07:06 AM

63. Reminds me of "Why I’m not allowed in Walmart anymore"


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

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Response to B Calm (Original post)

Mon Mar 28, 2016, 09:19 AM

65. Heh... funny thing though:

I like to go back packing in regions where you are lucky to be 10 miles from a ROAD, much less anything that could be charitably be called "civilization" I keep a pound of dry cat food in a ziplock as "just in case" survival rations. It keeps damn near forever, is nutritionally complete and, unlike a granola bar or candy, I absolutely KNOW I'm not gonna eat it unless there is no other alternative!

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