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RadiationTherapy

(5,818 posts)
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 02:57 PM Jun 2012

Men's Porn Use Linked to Unhappy Relationships

http://news.yahoo.com/mens-porn-linked-unhappy-relationships-141633519.html

Stewart decided to investigate the effect of porn on relationships after some of her clients revealed that they were struggling with the issue.

Discovering explicit material on a partner's computer "made them feel like they were not good enough, like they could not measure up," Stewart told LiveScience.


*Ok everybody, let's not forget the magic words: some, many, a few, most...This can be a tough topic to avoid absolutes.*



15 votes, 0 passes | Time left: Unlimited
Porn is mostly negative in a relationship.
4 (27%)
Porn is mostly neutral in a relationship.
10 (67%)
Porn is mostly positive in a relationship.
1 (7%)
Show usernames
Disclaimer: This is an Internet poll
49 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
Highlight: NoneDon't highlight anything 5 newestHighlight 5 most recent replies
Men's Porn Use Linked to Unhappy Relationships (Original Post) RadiationTherapy Jun 2012 OP
I don't care if my husband watches porn... cynatnite Jun 2012 #1
popcorn JVS Jun 2012 #2
Or more rationally, unhappy relationships are more likely to result in porn use. TheWraith Jun 2012 #3
Agree. I think that's more common than the reverse. randome Jun 2012 #21
"a relationship"? That would depend upon which one. I would guess that the number of patrice Jun 2012 #4
Neutral. HappyMe Jun 2012 #5
that sounds great ManyShadesOf Jun 2012 #43
Title should read, "Men's unhappy relationships linked to Women" cbdo2007 Jun 2012 #6
Anyone who goes through their partner's computer is cthulu2016 Jun 2012 #7
100% Agreed. That was my first reaction as well. Puregonzo1188 Jun 2012 #22
I also see it as a chicken/egg situation Major Nikon Jun 2012 #26
Who gets to define "negative" and "positive"? & Since we are talking about RELATIONSHIP here patrice Jun 2012 #8
Hey ladies: you can't fuck a picture. originalpckelly Jun 2012 #9
Really detrimental to my relationship.... Bennyboy Jun 2012 #10
I'm guessing your relationship had other issues jeff47 Jun 2012 #19
Well yes and no.... Bennyboy Jun 2012 #34
If they were "discovering" it on the partners computer LadyHawkAZ Jun 2012 #11
BING! You win today's Nailed-It prize. nt TheWraith Jun 2012 #12
Some women understand men. sendero Jun 2012 #13
can you break it down for us? ManyShadesOf Jun 2012 #44
Porn is like alcohol. dawg Jun 2012 #14
Totally musiclawyer Jun 2012 #15
Marriages "wrecked by porn" were wrecked by something else jeff47 Jun 2012 #18
aka ManyShadesOf Jun 2012 #45
Nope, but good try trying to blame me. jeff47 Jun 2012 #47
I'm sorry ManyShadesOf Jun 2012 #48
+1. nt riderinthestorm Jun 2012 #16
Why does everyone believe women are the ones "hunting for evidence" of porn use? riderinthestorm Jun 2012 #17
Because when Dr. Phil has an episode about marriages destroyed by porn jeff47 Jun 2012 #20
Dr. Phil? Really? That's Your Source? HangOnKids Jun 2012 #23
"Marriage destroyed by porn" is an extremely common daytime TV episode jeff47 Jun 2012 #25
The cause of porn use kctim Jun 2012 #24
From the article RainDog Jun 2012 #27
Am I the only woman who admits to watching porn? Jennicut Jun 2012 #28
Well, good relationships are about respecting your partner.... Darth_Kitten Jun 2012 #29
No. Warren DeMontague Jun 2012 #41
No, I'll admit it kimi Jun 2012 #49
Is there a place where I could find this porn thing? underpants Jun 2012 #30
Sure. UnrepentantLiberal Jun 2012 #32
I've heard that you can use mythology Jun 2012 #40
Ah, relationships and emotional turmoil... UnrepentantLiberal Jun 2012 #31
I voted "mostly neutral" because its communication and expectations that matter, not porn. Warren DeMontague Jun 2012 #33
I think it depends on the people involved. Ruby the Liberal Jun 2012 #35
"professional acrobat/sex worker" UnrepentantLiberal Jun 2012 #39
I chose none of the above Nevernose Jun 2012 #36
Seems like you either do or don't... Tikki Jun 2012 #37
Let's see, was it the porn, or the alcohol, or the mood swings, or the violent temper... bhikkhu Jun 2012 #38
perhaps they're unhappy ManyShadesOf Jun 2012 #42
It can be addictive Marrah_G Jun 2012 #46

cynatnite

(31,011 posts)
1. I don't care if my husband watches porn...
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 02:59 PM
Jun 2012

I watch porn on occasion myself. It has zero impact on our relationship.

TheWraith

(24,331 posts)
3. Or more rationally, unhappy relationships are more likely to result in porn use.
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 03:04 PM
Jun 2012

Which is the only logical conclusion, assuming that you're not trying to prove that carts are driving around forcing horses to run in front of them.

patrice

(47,992 posts)
4. "a relationship"? That would depend upon which one. I would guess that the number of
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 03:11 PM
Jun 2012

relationships in which porn is a negative factor exceeds the number of relationships in which it is a positive factor.

By how much???? Pure wild-ass guess: 60:40, negative:positive.

HappyMe

(20,277 posts)
5. Neutral.
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 03:12 PM
Jun 2012

He and I watch it together sometimes. I don't care if he watches it by himself.

It has no effect on our relationship.



 

ManyShadesOf

(639 posts)
43. that sounds great
Sat Jun 2, 2012, 12:11 AM
Jun 2012

and in the era of "bitches and hos" in pop music, the continuing trend of hooker styling for women's fashions ... wonder how far this "no effect" thing really operates. Imagery is imagery.

cthulu2016

(10,960 posts)
7. Anyone who goes through their partner's computer is
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 03:16 PM
Jun 2012

so utterly fucked up that the porn insecurity angle is only the tip of the iceberg.

In good relationships people don't go through each other's shit. Wouldn't even cross their minds.

Good relationships usually involve good people.

I had just this conversation with a female friend. She was disturbed by text messages she found on her SO's cell. I said that if she's going through his texts the relationship is hopeless whether there is anything there or not.

Major Nikon

(36,814 posts)
26. I also see it as a chicken/egg situation
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 05:43 PM
Jun 2012

Which came first, the porn or the unhappiness?

Personally I have no use or desire for porn. However, if I were in an unhappy relationship I might think differently. Saying something is linked does not necessarily mean one thing caused the other.

I also don't really entirely understand how porn could cause such insecurities in the first place. I don't know too many men who can make their dick gyrate, rotate, and vibrate, yet how many men are insecure over their wife's vibrator? If those insecurities are there, they are probably there for other reasons besides porn.

patrice

(47,992 posts)
8. Who gets to define "negative" and "positive"? & Since we are talking about RELATIONSHIP here
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 03:21 PM
Jun 2012

how do we weight/reconcile similarities/differences in the negative- and positive-definitions of the two, or more, members of the relationship?

 

Bennyboy

(10,440 posts)
10. Really detrimental to my relationship....
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 03:23 PM
Jun 2012

In fact, the main cause of the end of my marriage.

All the people I know that have long term, good marriages have one thing in common: NO PORN. Nothing stronger than Playboy and all of the guys still find their wives desirable.

I had a very hard time finding my wife desirable and found my way into more and more porn and self pleasure.

A Vicious circle it was.

jeff47

(26,549 posts)
19. I'm guessing your relationship had other issues
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 04:43 PM
Jun 2012

My first marriage was "destroyed by porn" according to my ex-wife. It was really destroyed by her massive self-absorption, entitlement and controlling nature. But acknowledging that would be difficult for her, so she blames porn.

My 2nd marriage is a "long term, good marriage". I've watched some porn during it. So has she, for that matter.

Excessive porn use is a sign of other problems, not the cause of problems.

LadyHawkAZ

(6,199 posts)
11. If they were "discovering" it on the partners computer
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 03:39 PM
Jun 2012

then I bet I can tell you what the problem is, and it ain't the porn.

sendero

(28,552 posts)
13. Some women understand men.
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 03:48 PM
Jun 2012

.... and others do not. Women who think porn is there as a "substitute" or as a "model" for how they should look really don't understand men.

Men are constantly chastised for not making an effort to understand women. That works both ways.

dawg

(10,595 posts)
14. Porn is like alcohol.
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 03:54 PM
Jun 2012

Some enjoy it with no adverse effects.

Some couples enjoy it together, and it acutally enhances their relationship.

For others, it becomes an additction that eventually destroys everything the couple had together.

So it depends.

Those who say it is harmless can only speak for themselves.

musiclawyer

(2,335 posts)
15. Totally
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 04:17 PM
Jun 2012

Problems happen when one person has an addictive personality and just cant get enough. That's when trouble brews. I know more than one marriage wrecked by porn.

So guys, if you are looking at harder and harder porn, just walk away or get help. Because you WILL be alone with no one else but the computer otherwise.

And ladies, make sure the dude you like does not have addictive personality unless you want high drama later.

On the other hand, if you go though the guys sh-t, it's over. You have no chance. If you have some kind of borderline personality/ pathological distrust or just have women's intuition, then just ask him. If the answer is not good enough, then you have the problem, not him. ( If he is dirty you already are dirty. He will come clean or you will find out anyway eventually. And if he is clean, you are clean). But, in any event, the moment you click "forward" of his email to your unbeknownst to him, or go through his phone. It's over. You ended it. Not him. Understand that.

jeff47

(26,549 posts)
18. Marriages "wrecked by porn" were wrecked by something else
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 04:32 PM
Jun 2012

Porn was just the convenient target to blame.

My ex-wife blames porn for "wrecking" our marriage. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with her massive self-absorption and controlling nature.

jeff47

(26,549 posts)
47. Nope, but good try trying to blame me.
Sat Jun 2, 2012, 12:30 AM
Jun 2012

Some examples: I wasn't allowed to spend any money, yet she could purchase anything she wanted. I wasn't supposed to have a relationship with my parents and other family, because her relationship with her family was awful. Despite me working full-time, and her not even bothering to look for work, I was expected to do much of the housework - She was busy gaming, and reading explicit erotica on the Internet...oddly she felt that was completely different than watching porn on the Internet.

I assure you, we tried all sorts of communication, including with counselors. Oddly enough, she always wanted to switch counselors when they tried to talk about her issues.

 

ManyShadesOf

(639 posts)
48. I'm sorry
Sat Jun 2, 2012, 12:33 AM
Jun 2012

wasn't trying to blame *you* - your story is your story. what you described (previously) can also be different points of view about who's zooming who. I hope you're doing better now.

 

riderinthestorm

(23,272 posts)
17. Why does everyone believe women are the ones "hunting for evidence" of porn use?
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 04:29 PM
Jun 2012

We don't have "his" or "hers" computers here, we have a laptop and a desktop that we share interchangeably. Similarly we have used each other's phones to get numbers or text messages from each other.

Furthermore, I pay the bills. If a weird charge came up, I'd ask him about it. If it were porn, I'd know. If our internet usage suddenly went up, I'd similarly know.

So if my husband were into porn, yeah, I'd definitely discover it but it wouldn't be evidence that I was on the hunt. Lastly, if you have to "hide" the porn on a personal device so your partner or spouse doesn't know then the problem resides with YOU and not the partner if they come across it.

jeff47

(26,549 posts)
20. Because when Dr. Phil has an episode about marriages destroyed by porn
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 04:50 PM
Jun 2012

It's always a wife hunting for evidence of porn use. And her "hunting" is always far more extreme than just paying the bills.

 

HangOnKids

(4,291 posts)
23. Dr. Phil? Really? That's Your Source?
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 05:04 PM
Jun 2012

After reading this and your other comments on this thread, I think it is best if I say adios!

jeff47

(26,549 posts)
25. "Marriage destroyed by porn" is an extremely common daytime TV episode
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 05:10 PM
Jun 2012

The Dr. Phil reference is just for convenience.

And, more to the point, every time I've heard of a "marriage destroyed by porn", a little digging reveals there's other problems. The "excessive" porn use was an outlet for someone unhappy in the relationship because of those other problems.

Blaming the break-up on evil porn is a convenient excuse that renders both parties of the relationship blameless. The woman's a victim, and the man's a victim of the evil porn industry in the "standard" telling of this tale.

RainDog

(28,784 posts)
27. From the article
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 06:08 PM
Jun 2012
The results showed that women who reported that their boyfriends or husbands looked at more pornography were less likely to be happy in their relationships than women who said their partners didn't look at pornography very often. When women were bothered by their partner's porn use, saying, for example, that they believed he was a porn addict or that he used porn more than a "normal" amount, they were also more likely to have low self-esteem and to be less satisfied with both their relationship and their sex life.

The findings showed that the statistical link between frequency of porn use and relationship dissatisfaction was partially explained by low self-esteem among the women in these relationships. But that doesn't prove that porn necessarily caused the women's self-esteem to drop. It's a chicken-and-egg problem, Stewart said: Women whose partners watch a lot of porn might begin to feel more insecure. Or women who feel bad about themselves might seek out or stay with porn-loving guys more often than secure women.

The study is limited to a youthful demographic, and most of the relationships were short-term, Stewart said. Because most of the couples weren't co-habitating, the women might not know how much porn their partners actually watched, she said.


I think a women's level of maturity might have an impact upon this too. In any case - they don't seem to know if one thing or another is corelation or causation. But yahoo knows how to get hits.

Jennicut

(25,415 posts)
28. Am I the only woman who admits to watching porn?
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 07:29 PM
Jun 2012

Women/men, men/men, women/women porn? I have watched all of it. A lot of it is very fake, some of is good, and many of it is laughable. I don't care if my husband watches it. Your relationship is about your relationship and how you get along with that person every day. I could care less, actually. Porn is not threatening to me in any way.

Darth_Kitten

(14,192 posts)
29. Well, good relationships are about respecting your partner....
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 08:34 PM
Jun 2012

I think people who say porn doesn't bother them are kind of fooling themselves.
I wouldn't want my partner to view that hard-core, demeaning shit, that's not the kind of person I want in my life.

kimi

(2,441 posts)
49. No, I'll admit it
Sat Jun 2, 2012, 01:12 AM
Jun 2012

& doubt that I'm the only woman who would. Has no effect that I can see on any relationship that I have.

I know without doubt that the guys I have seen or been with (even currently) watch porn - makes no difference to me. It actually IS all about the relationship & getting along. If a relationship is so fragile that porn can bring it down - then there are bigger problems in the relationship.

 

mythology

(9,527 posts)
40. I've heard that you can use
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 10:56 PM
Jun 2012

the google on the interwebs to search for pron. But that may just be a rumor.

 

UnrepentantLiberal

(11,700 posts)
31. Ah, relationships and emotional turmoil...
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 08:54 PM
Jun 2012

I've never been with a woman who didn't watch porn. And absolutely never will for any reason. I don't need those kind of hangups in my personal life. We don't watch it excessively, just once in a while to spice things up.

The anti-porn squad is preoccupied in Meta at the moment. Boy will they be happy when they get wind of this thread.

Warren DeMontague

(80,708 posts)
33. I voted "mostly neutral" because its communication and expectations that matter, not porn.
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 09:00 PM
Jun 2012

Last edited Fri Jun 1, 2012, 11:47 PM - Edit history (1)

Best things for long term relationship happiness are honesty and open communication. If one partner likes to look at porn and the other one doesn't want them to, it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out the few potential outcomes.

Ruby the Liberal

(26,212 posts)
35. I think it depends on the people involved.
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 09:04 PM
Jun 2012

Porn is neutral in itself. People's reactions to it will vary.

I had a close friend once confide that he didn't feel comfortable in relationships, stating that his expectations were too high because of his mental ideal being a professional acrobat/sex worker. There are women whose self esteem may feel threatened by the barely-legals and their size 0 bodies.

Both examples are issues with much deeper roots than porn.

 

UnrepentantLiberal

(11,700 posts)
39. "professional acrobat/sex worker"
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 09:27 PM
Jun 2012

There's a phrase I didn't expect to read today. That conjures up all kinds of images. None of them wholesome.

Tikki

(14,533 posts)
37. Seems like you either do or don't...
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 09:13 PM
Jun 2012

Probably can't tell who views porn when they're walking down the street (unless he/she ducks into an adult store) anymore than
you can tell a spouse beater walking down the street. Seems to be a cultural, universal...just not for everyone.


Tikki

bhikkhu

(10,707 posts)
38. Let's see, was it the porn, or the alcohol, or the mood swings, or the violent temper...
Fri Jun 1, 2012, 09:20 PM
Jun 2012

or the unresolved damage of childhood abuse, or the lack of communication, or the cigarettes, or the depression, or the cheating? I'm not sure, but I don't think it was the porn.

Marrah_G

(28,581 posts)
46. It can be addictive
Sat Jun 2, 2012, 12:27 AM
Jun 2012

If it becomes an obsession then it definitely can become a problem. I know a couple who's marriage ended and a big part of it was his porn addiction.

It's the obsession/addiction that is the problem, not so much the porn.

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