I signed up for Ashley Madison

[junior college]

After 21 years of marriage, I discovered my wife was cheating on me. I was devastated. It turns out she was menopausal and not taking any estrogen replacement. She was mean to me when I confronted her with it and didn't show any emotion. I came to her in tears and she was non-responsive. I was scared and I was worried she was going to walk out on me and leave me alone in the world without my two young boys. I was wrong about that but I was an emotional wreck and nothing seemed out of the realm of possibility. In desperation, I decided to try Match.com so I could at least meet a friend so if my wife were to leave me I would at least have someone that I could meet and possibly turn to so I wouldn't be alone. My wife has been my life-long companion and I didn't think I could survive unless I had someone to be with. If you've ever been in a major break-up or relationship issue, you may know how I felt. The problem is that married guys probably don't meet too many people on Match.com, so I signed up for Ashley Madison instead, hoping to meet a friend. After four days I felt uncomfortable being on there and I paid $19.00 for a full delete. I regularly pay with credit cards online. Amazon, Alaska Air, the plumbing supply company that has the part I can't find anywhere else, etc. I didn't think giving them my credit card info was any different and I didn't provide any information about myself in my profile including the email I used which I created specifically for the site and have since forgotten. The only way to tie me to the site is from the credit card info I gave them.

My wife is not seeing him anymore and we are getting along well now and she is on estrogen replacement and everything was going great until last weeks data dump. Now I fear I will be labeled for life as an adulterer. Will parents still bring their children over for play dates? Will I be allowed to chaperone kids on field trips, etc? I can only imagine the lifelong problems I will face because I am labeled as the neighborhood adulterer. My wife feels horrible about this and she blames herself for me signing up for the site. I don't blame her because it was me who signed up, not her. I have many texts she wrote the person she was seeing and a record of when I deleted my AM account. I have yet to find a data dump search site that will show my name, address and profile information but in a way, I want one to go online and stay there because if you look at my user profile, you will see that the only thing it says is that I was looking for a friend and that I was a member for a total of four days and that I didn't communicate with a single user on that site.

I felt compelled to share my story after reading a few threads on DU that turned into Ashley user bash festivals with people saying that Ashley users are all rotten dirtbags that deserve everything they get and more. I felt horrible all day and still do after reading those threads. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just want people to know that not everyone that signed up for that site is a rotten person that deserves to be castigated and shamed for life.

[NightWatcher]

1. I "bash" because it was a horribly made decision to use that site

They should've called it dubya dubya dubya dot future blackmail material dot com.

Why the holy hell would anyone admit their desire to commit adultery by signing up to a website? Plus, who would think that the site wasn't 99% men and a legit means to cheat? If you want to cheat, go to the bar at a hotel by the airport or buy a hooker for the night. Don't advertise your stupidity online.

Signing up, ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WHO USED .GOV, .STATE, or any government email address shows horrible decision making and they then I turn, are fair game for mockery, shaming, and possible job loss or loss of security clearance.

[RiffRandell]

22. Exactly!

Ignore people and keep going on!

[brooklynite]

30. Almost nobody has checked the site...the odds someone will see your name is miniscule

The points of attention seem to be: people who's spouse is suspicious (you seem to have patched things up), and people looking for a celebrity/hypocrite.

[Texasgal]

2. I am sorry that your marriage

has been in trouble. I hope you and your wife are able to work it out with each other.

[RiffRandell]

23. Ours has not been at all.

Why do you think so?

[Texasgal]

25. I was responding to the OP?

[RiffRandell]

64. Sorry, had on old pair of glasses and was too lazy

to get newer pair from downstairs.

[Texasgal]

66. No problem.

I feel your pain on the reader's thang!

[Glassunion]

3. Tough spot.

I doubt (especially since your wife is cool with it), that you'd end up a social pariah. Your neighbors are probably not too worried about looking you up.

Among all of the users that were exposed you are probably in the minority.

IMHO, there is a problem on both end of this hack. First being those who were seeking to cheat. It's wrong no matter how you slice it. On the other end you have those who are chomping at the bit to look up their spouse or SO. They have no trust.

To me both cases are indicative of a larger problem. But mostly communication. All relationships are two-way streets, with many obstacles and no street signs. Everyone traveling those streets, in either direction need to communicate and trust to make it work.

[davidpdx]

15. Well put

I think the fact that the OP and his wife made up and both have come clean is a huge step. You are right though, they need to work on communication and that is tough.

So my two pieces of advice to the OP:

1) Take care of yourselves and each other (sorry if that sounds too much like Jerry Springer)

2) Work on communicating with each other

Aside from that you'll be fine.

[roguevalley]

17. your heart will tell you what to do. You both had a hard time. Things happen.

take care and be happy. You are back on the rails again.

[davidpdx]

20. I think you posted in the wrong place

[rug]

4. There is only one thing to say.

And one for her.



Now forget it.

[jberryhill]

5. None of this matters to anyone here

I understand it is important to you, but it doesn't affect anyone on the planet other than you and your wife.

"I can only imagine the lifelong problems I will face because I am labeled as the neighborhood adulterer."

Yeah, you could end up president like Ronald Reagan.

You'll be surprised at the massive number of shits not given by your neighbors.

[GOLGO 13]

6. Ah, you do know that the site is a scam, yes?

Most of these "dating sites" are 100% scams to get dudes to pay a monthly subscription to look at fake ads/content created by the site owners. They were most likely LOL themselves on their 40ft yachts/Ferrari's until the whole scam got blown up.

Sorry to hear about your troubles. I hope you can forgive yourself & commit to being the best man that you can be. Do something positive just for yourself. Join a gym, lose weight & get goddamn swole. Invest in yourself to be the best version of you. Your family deserves it.

[Syzygy321]

7. You'll be okay.

The Ashley Madison thing is already old news. No one cares except you and spouse. No one else will ever know. No one is going to search your name.

You're all messed up now (I remember the feeling) and you think your "crime" is written across your forehead. That's because you're a decent guy with a conscience. It's the best place to start.

It gets better.

Now go, and sin no more.

[cleanhippie]

8. If your wife cheated on you, then you can be forgiven for joining AM to look around.

You should also be commended for leaving and trying to salvage your marriage. If it comes out that you had an AM account, be as honest as you've been here, and you should be fine. Rember, YOU didn't cheat. You're NOT an adulterer. Period.

[yeoman6987]

9. Thanks for sharing

I agree with others that neighbors and friends most likely won't find out. Only you and your wife matter in this. I think you both may end up stronger then ever. I wish you the best of luck!!!!!!

[seabeyond]

10. now listen to what happened.

your wife cheated. you forgave

you were honest with your wife, she accepts.

neither of you are hiding anything, yea

i guarantee not a single parent is gonna be trying to hunt you down to see if you are there, before they allow your kids to play with theirs.

parents make those decisions in real time with what they see.

[junior college]

11. Thanks for your responses

I actually feel much better getting that off my chest. It's not something I've shared with anyone else except my wife. I really do hope that no one cares. I know I wouldn't care if I saw my neighbor on the list. It would be his own personal business to work out with his wife and nothing for me to be concerned with. Thanks

[pnwmom]

12. It was a mistake and you've worked it out with your wife.

You WON'T be the neighborhood pariah. Don't you have any divorced friends? They're not pariahs. And you and your wife are still together.

So it's okay to just let this go. Just be more careful on the internet from now on! And teach your kids to be careful, too.

[alarimer]

13. Ashley Madison is a scam designed to separate fools from their money.

That's the major lesson here, I think. Your data is not actually deleted. They should be held liable for whatever damage occurs as a result of this. And this is a company that should go out of business as just another internet scam.

[Huddie94]

61. Galt Gulch criminality to the max. No morals. Annalee Newitz,

Carlos Aguilar and Josh Laurito had a go at the data. Almost none of the AM women's accounts were real.

31,343,429 male, 5,550,687 female. That's 6:1. How many female accounts are active, real affair-seeking internet tools?

20,269,675 male accounts checked their messages. What's that, two-thirds of the men?

1,492 of the female accounts checked for messages. 0.0002687955 of the women. That's checking for a message even once. Ever.

So here we had Ashley Madison selling access to a tiny pool of women, spread out all over the world. And some of the 1,492 were test accounts. They shagged 20,000,000 times $20 a month times XXX months per active male account. If average duration was a year that totals near $5,000,000,000.

Males got faked out, almost all of them. Not enough money to make any one scam a felony. Full article here at GIZMODO

[alcina]

14. Not everyone here is judging you

The shamers are vocal, but I'm hopeful they're not the majority of people on DU.

I'm sorry that your marriage created such loneliness for you, but I'm glad you and your wife are working things out. Good luck.

[Fla Dem]

16. Friend, you did something dumb in desperation.

As most of these sensationalized events go, this will fade into the background as other more attention grabbing events overrun it. So unless there is someone willing to out every single person on that website, I don't know how your neighbors and acquaintances will even know.

[LisaL]

18. If you are not a celebrity, I don't think anyone will care.

[smirkymonkey]

45. Honestly, has anyone actually looked up the list of people who used the site?

I haven't and I am not interested. I think most people feel this way. I don't think most people are out to bust their neighbor.

[lostnfound]

19. Judgmental people suck.

To err is human, to forgive divine. I think it's pretty cool you forgave your wife and moved on. May you enjoy a long happy life together. May you let go of any lingering resentment and be glad it taught you empathy and strength you maybe didn't know you had.

[Samantha]

21. Forgive yourself for this mistake and quit beating up on yourself

This is you and your wife's personal chain of events, and it is really no one else's prerogative to judge you. We have all made mistakes, but most of us would not be as brave as you have been to publicly detail our secrets on a huge website. Perhaps writing about this will in itself make you feel better, I certainly hope so, and I also hope things go well from this point on for the two of you.

Sam

[JI7]

24. if you mean the Josh Duggar threads those are more about his hypocrisy

[smirkymonkey]

46. Well, I have to admit to some schadenfreude when it comes to sanctimonious

right-wing Christians who preach family values. As far as everyone else goes, I don't really care that much.

[d_r]

26. hey

honestly I don't think anybody can look you up by your credit card information anyway. They are only looking up by email address and user names. Don't worry over it. Seriously.

I know that part of your intention was to try to show people that there are reasons not to bash others, and I agree with you.

[Erich Bloodaxe BSN]

27. A suggestion.

Look for friends in the kind of place you're going to find the kind of person you want to meet.

If you're not looking for the kind of 'friend' who commits adultery, then maybe signing up for a site specifically designed to hook up adulterers isn't the right place to look for a friend.

Maybe a better place to find friends is on sites that revolve around things you are passionate about, like politics, for instance. Libraries if you read, gyms if you're a fitness person.

Cause yes, people will think that you had adultery in mind when you pay money for a site that says 'Life is short, have an affair.' as it's tagline. Just like they'll think you wanted to buy drugs if you go to a crackhouse.

[Hiraeth]

28. Let me make sure I understand and for clarification: You are saying that you joined AM

looking for a spare to keep on the back burner in case the one on front burner flamed out. Have I got that right?

[Sheldon Cooper]

31. God forbid he should spend even one moment "alone".

[Hiraeth]

32. Because really, who would take care of the poor child? Must have a Mommy back up.

Am I the only one to find this OP incredibly offensive?

[Sheldon Cooper]

34. I shook my head when I read it the other day.

I have a relative who now has three ex-wives, and I don't think more than a few months went by after each wife left that the next one wasn't waiting in the wings. He had small kids at the time as well. I guess some people just cannot be alone with themselves.

[Hiraeth]

35. I realize women do this, too. Willing to bet they have unresolved "Daddy" issues. How can you expect

someone to live with you if you can't live by yourself ... ?

I know I am getting old because most of the stuff I read/see today just makes me want to groan and say: Oh.grow.up.

I think the term for what we are seeing in this OP is "serial monogamist".

But, to be looking BEFORE the first relationship is over is just beyond my comprehension.

Takes all kinds, I guess.

Nice chatting with you

[Sheldon Cooper]

36. One of my guilty time wasters is to read

the Relationships section of reddit. I read what these twenty somethings are doing and I want to tell them NO but they won't listen to an old lady like me. good talking to you, too.

[Hiraeth]

48. Sounds like he does a good job getting people to feel sorry for him.

Pity is a great motivator.

[Tipperary]

51. I was actually amazed someone would post this and figured it for a joke of some sort.

If not a joke, it is not necessarily offensive to me, but certainly pathetic. I really can not put into words every thing I thought about this op when I first saw it. I guess my first reaction was just "yech."

[Hiraeth]

52. so fucking trite.

gag me with a spoon.

[Hiraeth]

55. dude puts his dirty laundry out there and I am not the only one to notice that it stinks and you

act all surprised like who knew? dude, dirty laundry smells.

but, it's okay. I still like you.

You a funny man making me laugh in this thread. Thanks.

[Warren DeMontague]

56. Eh, I've seen worse

Some people wear their issues around this place like the fruit in Carmen Miranda's hat.

[Hiraeth]

58. yep. smelled worse, too. this has been a nice little hic-cup though gotta admit.

[Hiraeth]

49. the whole OP reads like a load of crap to me ... kind of like John Peplo Tanger.

[Hiraeth]

47. She is responsible for her actions. He is responsible for his. Rationalize all you want.

I got the impression there might be a good reason why the wife looked outside the marriage.

Psych 101 will expose you to the fact that women seek affairs for a vastly different reason than men.

You act like someone has stepped on your toes, here .... hmmm

[Hiraeth]

57. Like you are not doing the same thing just drawing a different conclusion is all.

Sanctimony/Pity ...

get thee to AM pronto.

See you Sunday on the football.

[Hiraeth]

60. I meant you were commenting on the OP but, from a different POV is all.

That's what honesty and transparency are about, and afaiac it's pretty tough to maintain a decent relationship without them.

and with that comment you and I are in violent agreement.

Call it finger wagging if you want but, I surmise had the OP and his wife practiced your advice we would not be reading his sad story today.

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

63. Oh no, they didn't miss it

YOU GO GIRL!!!!!

[SheilaT]

29. You knew perfectly well what that site was for.

And you paid with the same credit card you use for on-line bill paying. And you probably used the same email address you use for everything else. Do I have that correct?

At least you came clean to your wife, and this, plus her own infidelity, is simply between the two of you.

But anyone who honestly thinks anything they do on-line can be well hidden, is deluding themselves.

[randome]

33. The only justification for dissing on you would be if you spent your life...

...hating on adulterers. Other than that, ignore the cruel crowd here who think they know your life better than you. Usually such comments come from those who haven't lived much of a life at all.


[hr][font color="blue"][center]"The whole world is a circus if you know how to look at it."
Tony Randall, 7 Faces of Dr. Lao (1964)[/center][/font][hr]

[FourScore]

50. ^^^THIS^^^

Perfectly ariculated, Warren!

[JanMichael]

62. and THIS!

Exactly- poster was spot on. Honestly, how pathetic are Americans in 2015 to be whining about "adultery?" Honestly- I can't even THINK about it.

[RiffRandell]

43. Don't beat yourself up.

First of all, you have plenty of judgmental people on here to do it for you.

Secondly, you may be able to get in on a lawsuit and get some cash out of it as it was a MAJOR fuck up on their part.

[CTyankee]

65. nobody lives a perfect life. You will go on and can go on. I know that for a fact.

Whatever you did, you didn't carry it through and stopped. That's over now. Concentrate on NOW and what you CAN do in the future. The past is the past.