Phyllis Dillerisms. Enjoy
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
* Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
* Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
* Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
* Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
* Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
* Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
* Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
* Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
* Phyllis Diller
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
* Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
* Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
* Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
* Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
* Phyllis Diller
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
* Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
* Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
* Phyllis Diller
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
* Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
* Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
* Phyllis Diller
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
* Phyllis Diller
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
* Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
* Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
* Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
* Phyllis Diller
The reason the pro-golfer tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
* Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
* Phyllis Diller
= new reply since forum marked as read
Thanks for posting. 
"I don't want to be found like that" 
