My friend got raped on Wednesday

[ghostsinthemachine]

And she refuses to go to a rape crisis counselor or do anything about it.

The story is she and I went to the neighborhood bar, early on Wed to celebrate my birthday. I left after the right wing morans that habituate the bar in the daytime started in with their "Obama this and that" crap, and said "Now I remember why I never go in this bar"....

It is a place she feels safe and goes there often. Sadly she gets pretty hammered and that is what happened this night. She went out the park across the street and one of the denizens of the park raped her. No more details than that and she told me that I know this person and so does she, but did not expose the identity of the person who raped her.

She feels, and told me this repeatedly last night, that it was her fault for getting so drunk. I told her it wasn't, it was the guys fault, not hers but she doesn't believe it.

She is a very delicate woman too, one who has had her share of mental issues and such and I am very afraid for her right now. She acts like it is something she will get over but I know without help it will never ever happen and she will just spin out of control with drink and drugs (Scripts).

So what do I do? I love her a lot, and she is an amazing person but right now I am very afraid for her.

[Evergreen Emerald]

1. She is not his first victim, and will not be the last.

She must stand up--and I know it will be difficult.

[ghostsinthemachine]

3. Yeah, it is tought to convince her

And really I am gonna be looking for the guy. think I've got an inkling.

[madokie]

12. and when you do have no mercy

remember he had no mercy on your friend. I'm not for vigilante justice but sometimes one has to do what one has to do.

[Lizzie Poppet]

19. Stop talking about this online.

Right now...if you have even the slightest inclination to follow through.

Not another word.

[ohheckyeah]

2. You can't force her to go to a counselor.

Be there for her but tell her you aren't a counselor and keep encouraging her to see a counselor. Keep in mind you aren't a counselor and you can't fix her. It's easy to feel like you should be able to take care of her - don't.

[ghostsinthemachine]

4. Yeah I know....

I am encouraging her to go to some counseling even if she never files charges against the guy. She needs something.

[ohheckyeah]

8. I really hope

she gets help. She needs it, as would anyone in that position. Take care of yourself, too, it's affected you.

[LittleBlue]

5. "Denizens of the park "

FFS


Anyway, not sure what you should do. She needs to talk with someone but if she's adamant then there is nothing you can do. Sometimes you do your best and hope for a good outcome.

[gwheezie]

6. I would keep checking in on her

And let her tell you what she needs. Encourage the counseling, go with her if it helps. Terrible that she most likely will see her rapist again and he may target her again. This is something I would want to know for my own safety if you are in the neighborhood, who takes her?

[luvspeas]

7. That is a tough situation...

You are just going to have to try to be there for her on her terms. I have friends with varying severity of mental illness and all I can do for them is just be there when they need me and let them know that is how it is. Oftentimes these same people will blame me when things go wrong because of their decisions, but eventually they come back. Your friend is grown and you are not their mother. You also are not god so do what you can and you just have to let the rest happen. If you do anything else you are enabling them to make the next mistake. seriously. take care of yourself and just try to be a friend.

[tymorial]

9. I understand

You want to help her and you want to save her especially from herself. She is blaming herself because we all blame ourselves even if we know intellectually it wasn't our fault; we feel like it was our fault. Right now she is trying to deal with what happened intellectually and emotionally. Encouraging her to get help is the right thing to do but you need to pick your moments. You need to be listen and show support without making her feel like you are judging her decisions. It can be very difficult. Remember, she feels incredibly violated and exposed. She blames herself for what happened so its important to not make it feel like you are blaming her for not seeking help. As I said, you need to pick your moments.

Even though you worry that this will cause her to go into a downward spiral, in the end it is her decision to get help. All you really can do is be a rock for her. Trust me when I tell you that being a victim of rape makes you feel so very very alone. We feel broken. Knowing that someone is there for you and isn't judging you is so important to us even if we don't verbalize it. We know you care and we appreciate it. Give her time.

RAINN has some good resources to help those who have loved ones who have been raped. You also may find that speaking to a rape counselor yourself may help provide you with resources and information that you can encourage your friend to seek. Sometimes rape victims are so distraught that they do not know where to go. You need to pick your time but having that available could be helpful. I am not a rape counselor so I can only speak from my experience. Perhaps call the service yourself and ask for help in helping her. They might give you ideas that I have not provided.

Good luck to you and your friend. I'm so very sorry that happened to her.

[ghostsinthemachine]

10. Thank you.

Good words there.

[etherealtruth]

11. Be there for her ... her refusal to go to the authorities is NOT atypical

Like you, I wish she would ... and maybe she will , in time.

Remember this: unlike other crimes .... her body is the crime scene. She can't avoid the crime scene, she can't blot it from her memory.

Would she be willing to contact a Rape crisis center/ hotline?

wishing you and her well

I am so sorry

[kentuck]

13. Just try to get her to talk to someone about it...

Might be appropriate?

[ghostsinthemachine]

14. I wouldlove to but it looks like that job

is going to fall to me. As of now, I am the only one she has told.

I am not the best candidate for that duty.

[pnwmom]

15. You yourself can contact a rape hotline and get their advice on helping your friend.

And on dealing with your own feelings, which must be very painful, under the circumstances.

rainn.org is a national website for victims of rape and sexual assault and there is a lot of good information there.

Here are a couple hotlines, one phone and one online:

(The organizations here won’t report any incident to the police without a victim’s permission unless the victim is underage.)

https://rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-hotline

"Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area."

The 800 # above connects to local providers – unfortunately, most but not all are open 24/7.

https://rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-hotline

"You can also access 24/7 help online by visiting online.rainn.org"

"Who are the sexual assault service providers?
Sexual assault service providers are organizations or agencies dedicated to supporting survivors of sexual assault. The providers who answer calls placed to the hotline are known as RAINN affiliates. To be part of the National Sexual Assault Hotline, affiliates must agree to uphold RAINN’s confidentiality standards. That means:
• Never releasing records or information about the call without the consent of the caller, except when obligated by law
• Only making reports to the police or other agencies when the caller consents, unless obligated by law
Agreeing to RAINN’s non-discrimination policy"


__________________________

I once called our city’s rape center on behalf of a friend and they were very helpful. Hope this helps you, too.

[femmedem]

16. Here's what my best friend did for me:

I told her like it was no big deal. She hugged me and she listened, and then she called the rape crisis hotline. I didn't have to go anywhere, I just had to speak into the phone.

The counselor helped me feel as if all my reactions were normal, even the ones that felt shameful. Later, in person, she talked me through what it would be like if I decided to press charges. She didn't sugarcoat it or pressure me.

I understand what everyone is saying about helping your friend be in control. Maybe that's the right response, I don't know. I only know my own experience: I was too shattered to help myself. Part paralysis, part feeling like I wasn't worth helping.

This was decades ago: my life is good. But it took time, and it is different than it would have been.

I still love my friend.

[lunatica]

17. Try not to put pressure on her to do something

It will just make her shut up and avoid you. Just be there for her and let her know that if she chooses to go to get some help that you'll go with her and that you're always there for her to talk to.

The rape and immediate aftermath are not always the worst. It's the trauma, the fear that ensues, the inability to sleep, the anger, the self-blame that take their toll. It's the seeing her rapist again, or suddenly finding it horrifying that men are attracted to her and looking at her. She's going to realize that she's vulnerable to any attack and this will eat at her whether she wants it to or not. Self-revulsion grows. Feeling defenseless and unable to defend herself against such attackers is something she'll feel.

It's a lifelong thing now. Sooner or later she might decide to reach out for help. Meantime you can be there for her. She might eventually feel safe if she can talk to someone who has experienced rape themselves. Maybe anonymously, such as on the telephone. At that point she will be reaching out for help.

No rape crisis center or rape victim will ever judge her or tell her it's her fault. And she can rest assured that her rape will not be made public so if she has family who would shame her they need not know about it.

[Skittles]

18. if she knows you know a rapist but won't tell you who it is, that is not right

tell her you are afraid for your safety and deserve to know the truth

and then perhaps you can help her too

[Marie Marie]

20. It is her decision as to what she does about this but

maybe you could at least get her to seek medical attention and get tested for any STDs. I also agree with all the posters above about contacting your local Rape Crisis agency.

[Liberal_in_LA]

21. so sad and shocking.

[Ghost in the Machine]

22. I am really sorry for your friend, and I hope that she changes her mind and reports it! This piece

of shit needs to be taken off the street and be locked up. At least you were an outcry witness, because I am sure that she has bathed, but could she possibly have saved clothing containing DNA? Just be there for her *if* she wants to talk, but don't force the issue or she may regress deeper.

IT WAS NOT HER FAULT!!! PERIOD! You can keep telling her that, at least. NO FEMALE, under no circumstance, is at fault if she is raped. It doesn't matter if she was in the park wearing nothing but a G-String and pasties! That doesn't give *ANY* male (I *refuse* to use the term "Man" for a rapist) the right to force himself on her. End of story! A rapist should have his penis cut off with a dull, rusty, serrated blade IMO.

Is there any way that you can do a little investigating on your own, since she stated that you both knew him? Try to think of someone that *could* have done it. Even think of some guys that you both know that you would *least* expect. If you know the bar owner, maybe you could ask if they have any outside surveillance systems? Ask if they saw anyone follow her out on the night in question. They *could* have some inside video that might have caught something.

I don't even know this woman, but my heart breaks for her. I am glad that she has a friend like you to lean on and support her emotionally. I have been in a similar situation before, and it can be frustrating.

Right now, I am glad to share a name with you...

Peace,

Ghost