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Wed Jun 24, 2015, 10:44 AM

Number of G.O.P. Candidates Now Thirteen, Says C.D.C. - reported by Andy Borowitz




DEKALB COUNTY, GEORGIA (The Borowitz Report)—The number of official candidates for the 2016 Republican Presidential nomination has risen to thirteen, according to officials at the Centers for Disease Control.

The count had stood at twelve since the announcement last week by the reality-show host Donald Trump, leading many at the C.D.C. to privately hope that the epidemic was losing steam. But with the entry of Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal into the race on Wednesday, the C.D.C. was forced to hold a press conference to announce the worrisome news that the number of candidates had increased yet again.

“It might have been misplaced optimism on our part, but we had started to believe that this thing had been contained,” said the C.D.C. spokesman Dr. Harland Dorrinson. “Regrettably, it has not.”

While scientists disagree about how running for President spreads from person to person, most epidemiologists believe that a candidacy needs an environment rich in narcissism and delusion—plus a host to feed on, ideally a sociopathic billionaire.

The C.D.C. spokesman refused to address speculation that Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker would soon enter the race, bringing the number of candidates to fourteen. “I don’t want to say anything that might cause the public to panic,” he said.

www.borowitzreport.com

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Arrow 13 replies Author Time Post
Reply Number of G.O.P. Candidates Now Thirteen, Says C.D.C. - reported by Andy Borowitz (Original post)
Mira Jun 2015 OP
FSogol Jun 2015 #1
Fred Sanders Jun 2015 #2
ck4829 Jun 2015 #3
shenmue Jun 2015 #4
OhZone Jun 2015 #5
ChairmanAgnostic Jun 2015 #10
Brother Buzz Jun 2015 #6
malthaussen Jun 2015 #7
jtuck004 Jun 2015 #8
Gothmog Jun 2015 #9
Lucky Luciano Jun 2015 #11
Rosa Luxemburg Jun 2015 #12
Thespian2 Jun 2015 #13

Response to Mira (Original post)

Wed Jun 24, 2015, 10:46 AM

1. “I don’t want to say anything that might cause the public to panic,”

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Response to FSogol (Reply #1)

Wed Jun 24, 2015, 10:50 AM

2. The American public getting to panic is as American as apple pie, but be careful of the carcinogens.

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Response to Mira (Original post)

Wed Jun 24, 2015, 10:50 AM

3. Is that enough for a Legion of Doom?

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Response to ck4829 (Reply #3)

Wed Jun 24, 2015, 10:52 AM

4. It's a soccer team plus a couple reserves

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Response to Mira (Original post)

Wed Jun 24, 2015, 11:10 AM

5. Undecided is going to win!

Undecided went from about 14 percent a few months ago and has now risen to 20%, leading the pack!

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Response to OhZone (Reply #5)

Wed Jun 24, 2015, 12:56 PM

10. Much like A B Normal of Youg Frankenstein fame?

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Response to Mira (Original post)

Wed Jun 24, 2015, 11:22 AM

6. Andy is at the top of his game, but...

I wish he would insert more onomastic puns into his work.

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Response to Mira (Original post)

Wed Jun 24, 2015, 12:02 PM

7. Pretty sure that is more than the number of confirmed Ebola cases...

... in the U.S. Is that correct?

If so, there's a moral there somewhere.

-- Mal

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Response to Mira (Original post)

Wed Jun 24, 2015, 12:31 PM

8. It's spreading like Ebola. n/t

 

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Response to Mira (Original post)

Wed Jun 24, 2015, 12:42 PM

9. I love good satire

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Response to Mira (Original post)

Wed Jun 24, 2015, 01:37 PM

11. This is pretty funny. nt

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Response to Mira (Original post)

Wed Jun 24, 2015, 01:42 PM

12. Extemely virulent if Palin enters the race

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Response to Mira (Original post)

Wed Jun 24, 2015, 01:43 PM

13. K & R

Good report...Is the CDC working on a cure?

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