Happy Birthday, Tea Party! Now Die In A Fire
the beast that ascendeth out of the bottomless pit
Happy Birthday, Tea Party! Now Die In A Fire
image: 
oh no that is a slur!
Happy sixth birthday to the Tea Party! Okay we’re a little late here, as the big day was in the middle of last week. We have just been so busy writing about all the insane horseshit you teabaggers have unleashed on our politics that we forgot to stop for a minute and appreciate the six years of joy you have brought us, with your whining and hollering and dressing up in leftover costumes from our first-grade play about the Founding Fathers. Really, do you still think knee britches are a good look for you? They don’t look a little…European?
Anyway, happy belated birthday, sweeties! Hard to believe it has been six years since that wild-eyed asshole Rick Santelli used his televised perch from the floor of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange to excoriate the Obama administration for trying to help underwater homeowners, and to suggest that all the traders in his vicinity gather up a whole bunch of the “derivative securities” that had helped fuel the economic crisis and hold a tea party to dump all the derivatives in the Chicago River. It was just a throwaway daytime TV rant on a third-rate network. And yet, within days there were Tea Party groups all over the country screaming about tyranny and moochers and respecting the Constitution (though not necessarily the president whose recent election that august document had paved the way for).
Then Santelli, having midwifed this abomination into the mainstream, disappeared forever. But it was too late. Who knew that there was a whole nation of colonial cosplayers out there who just needed someone like him to shove a rag into a gas tank and touch a lighter to it?
. . . . .
Then there were the grifters your movement attracted, because you people are stupid. A partial list: Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Andrew “Still Dead” Breitbart, The Stupidest Man on the Internet, Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain, Joe Walsh, Christine O’Donnell (who was Not A Witch), Ben Carson, plus all their assorted acolytes and imitators. Truly, a Murderers’ Row of intellectual firepower, quite a few of whom managed to suck your hard-earned money out of your pockets to invest in survival seeds you could hoard before President Obama initiated race war and sent his New Black Panther Army sweeping across the plains to take your guns and institute sharia law.
. . . .
Happy Belated Birthday, Tea Party, and may god have mercy on the rest of us.
Read more at http://wonkette.com/577966/happy-birthday-tea-party-now-die-in-a-fire#RLvYf0dvzbSLzYoH.99
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