HomeLatest ThreadsGreatest ThreadsForums & GroupsMy SubscriptionsMy Posts
DU Home » Latest Threads » Forums & Groups » Main » General Discussion (Forum) » Favorite part of the Bibl...

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 11:58 AM

 

Favorite part of the Bible.

This was sent to me by a good friend who got it from a Peace Corps buddy of his.

"My favorite part of the Bible is where

Jesus gives money to the rich,

Tells the poor to suck it up,

And asks Caesar for his birth certificate."

42 replies, 7077 views

Reply to this thread

Back to top Alert abuse

Always highlight: 10 newest replies | Replies posted after I mark a forum
Replies to this discussion thread
Arrow 42 replies Author Time Post
Reply Favorite part of the Bible. (Original post)
SheilaT Apr 2012 OP
Enrique Apr 2012 #1
Whisp Apr 2012 #2
Lawlbringer Apr 2012 #3
lastlib Apr 2012 #27
Lawlbringer Apr 2012 #34
Johonny Apr 2012 #39
Atman Apr 2012 #4
maveric56 Apr 2012 #17
Son of Gob Apr 2012 #22
xchrom Apr 2012 #5
madokie Apr 2012 #6
RegieRocker Apr 2012 #7
JHB Apr 2012 #8
AnotherMcIntosh Apr 2012 #9
Tom Ripley Apr 2012 #10
HopeHoops Apr 2012 #11
Kurovski Apr 2012 #12
KansDem Apr 2012 #25
Kurovski Apr 2012 #29
rustydog Apr 2012 #13
lame54 Apr 2012 #14
Kurovski Apr 2012 #19
lastlib Apr 2012 #28
LynneSin Apr 2012 #15
Kurovski Apr 2012 #26
alterfurz Apr 2012 #16
Taverner Apr 2012 #18
KamaAina Apr 2012 #20
LadyHawkAZ Apr 2012 #35
unc70 Apr 2012 #38
Diclotican Apr 2012 #21
Initech Apr 2012 #23
Kurovski Apr 2012 #24
Brigid Apr 2012 #30
LynneSin Apr 2012 #32
Nye Bevan Apr 2012 #41
LynneSin Apr 2012 #42
KansDem Apr 2012 #31
JoePhilly Apr 2012 #33
Warren DeMontague Apr 2012 #36
cags Apr 2012 #37
Nye Bevan Apr 2012 #40

Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 12:01 PM

1. blessed are the job creators...

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 12:01 PM

2. :)

 

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 12:12 PM

3. Or Matthew 25:40

`Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my family, except the gays, women, blacks, browns, and less fortunate, because obviously I hate them, you did it to me.'

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Lawlbringer (Reply #3)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:39 PM

27. (you forgot the yellow people and red people...)

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to lastlib (Reply #27)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 03:43 PM

34. Damn

I rewrote it a few times and eventually forgot them.

I guess I'm a republican now!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Lawlbringer (Reply #3)

Thu Apr 26, 2012, 10:37 AM

39. the problem is the scribes miss a few verses

The original reads

35‘For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; 36naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ 37“Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? 38‘And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? 39‘When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ 40“The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’ But he added you did this by giving untold countless money to the rich and wealthy so that it could trickle thyself down to the poor that are not lazy and stayith in thy homes and sitith upon thy couches like a vegetable product. The trickle rewards shall enrich thy poor so that theyith do not get robbed of thy dignity of being thirsty, naked, sick, in prison without the joy of good solid hardith work.

41“Then He will also say to those on His left, ‘Depart from Me, accursed ones, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels; 42for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink; 43I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.’ 44“Then they themselves also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not take care of You?’ 45“Then He will answer them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ 46“These will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.” And by gave, I mean allowed me a right to work for less one, two or even three jobs untilith my dignity allowed me enough money to buy these things for myself so as not to trouble youith the rich with too long a tax form.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 12:13 PM

4. The End

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Atman (Reply #4)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:07 PM

17. Thank you for beating me to that one!

Good one!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Atman (Reply #4)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:33 PM

22. That was my first thought too

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 12:17 PM

5. 'Here endeth the Lesson' nt

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 12:21 PM

6. I could send this to a few but to save peace I'll not

I can love it myself though

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 12:21 PM

7. Comprehension and definition are not the

 

strong abilities of a right wing extremists. Further agreement of their twisted perception of what was written by Council of Nicea serves them only. I would make it easy for them to understand you are in disagreement with their perception.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 12:31 PM

8. Numbers 31 is always instructive

Conquer a city, kill everybody (excepting one important category) and divvy up their stuff. "Stuff" being metals, livestock, and virgin daughters.

Numbers 31
King James Version (KJV)

Numbers 31
1And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

2Avenge the children of Israel of the Midianites: afterward shalt thou be gathered unto thy people.

***

6And Moses sent them to the war, a thousand of every tribe, them and Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest, to the war, with the holy instruments, and the trumpets to blow in his hand.

7And they warred against the Midianites, as the LORD commanded Moses; and they slew all the males.

8And they slew the kings of Midian, beside the rest of them that were slain; namely, Evi, and Rekem, and Zur, and Hur, and Reba, five kings of Midian: Balaam also the son of Beor they slew with the sword.

9And the children of Israel took all the women of Midian captives, and their little ones, and took the spoil of all their cattle, and all their flocks, and all their goods.

10And they burnt all their cities wherein they dwelt, and all their goodly castles, with fire.

11And they took all the spoil, and all the prey, both of men and of beasts.

12And they brought the captives, and the prey, and the spoil, unto Moses, and Eleazar the priest, and unto the congregation of the children of Israel, unto the camp at the plains of Moab, which are by Jordan near Jericho.

13And Moses, and Eleazar the priest, and all the princes of the congregation, went forth to meet them without the camp.

14And Moses was wroth with the officers of the host, with the captains over thousands, and captains over hundreds, which came from the battle.

15And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive?

16Behold, these caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against the LORD in the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the LORD.

17Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.

18But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.


***

32And the booty, being the rest of the prey which the men of war had caught, was six hundred thousand and seventy thousand and five thousand sheep,

33And threescore and twelve thousand beeves,

34And threescore and one thousand asses,

35And thirty and two thousand persons in all, of women that had not known man by lying with him.

36And the half, which was the portion of them that went out to war, was in number three hundred thousand and seven and thirty thousand and five hundred sheep:

37And the LORD'S tribute of the sheep was six hundred and threescore and fifteen.

38And the beeves were thirty and six thousand; of which the LORD'S tribute was threescore and twelve.

39And the asses were thirty thousand and five hundred; of which the LORD'S tribute was threescore and one.

40And the persons were sixteen thousand; of which the LORD'S tribute was thirty and two persons.

41And Moses gave the tribute, which was the LORD'S heave offering, unto Eleazar the priest, as the LORD commanded Moses.

42And of the children of Israel's half, which Moses divided from the men that warred,

43(Now the half that pertained unto the congregation was three hundred thousand and thirty thousand and seven thousand and five hundred sheep,

44And thirty and six thousand beeves,

45And thirty thousand asses and five hundred,

46And sixteen thousand persons; )

47Even of the children of Israel's half, Moses took one portion of fifty, both of man and of beast, and gave them unto the Levites, which kept the charge of the tabernacle of the LORD; as the LORD commanded Moses.

48And the officers which were over thousands of the host, the captains of thousands, and captains of hundreds, came near unto Moses:

49And they said unto Moses, Thy servants have taken the sum of the men of war which are under our charge, and there lacketh not one man of us.

50We have therefore brought an oblation for the LORD, what every man hath gotten, of jewels of gold, chains, and bracelets, rings, earrings, and tablets, to make an atonement for our souls before the LORD.

51And Moses and Eleazar the priest took the gold of them, even all wrought jewels.

52And all the gold of the offering that they offered up to the LORD, of the captains of thousands, and of the captains of hundreds, was sixteen thousand seven hundred and fifty shekels.

53(For the men of war had taken spoil, every man for himself.)

54And Moses and Eleazar the priest took the gold of the captains of thousands and of hundreds, and brought it into the tabernacle of the congregation, for a memorial for the children of Israel before the LORD.


Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to JHB (Reply #8)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 12:54 PM

9. Thanks the info. And remember Luke 12:51-53 (KJV)

 

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 01:00 PM

10. "Just kidding!"

 

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 01:03 PM

11. I kind of like all the "begats" - sex was involved, ya know.

 

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 01:46 PM

12. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but what about the Old Testament?!

That's where ya gets to kill everyone who gits in yer way! Yeehaw!!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Kurovski (Reply #12)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:36 PM

25. Would that be the "stand your holy ground" law?


Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to KansDem (Reply #25)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:44 PM

29. More like the

"Hep me Lawd I'm 'a skeered kablooie-rule."

I ain't ascared a no valley 'o death!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 01:47 PM

13. Jesus to blind man: "Sorry, preexisting condition."

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 01:52 PM

14. what about when...

jesus sells the fish and loaves for twice their market value

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to lame54 (Reply #14)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:26 PM

19. And negotiated a setlement three times lower than expected

for the salmonella deaths.

If they were business partners he might have raised them from the dead, but it's a tough climate these days. Talent goes for a premium, or not at all.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to lame54 (Reply #14)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:43 PM

28. ...and writes a credit-default swap against the sell--for a huge fee, of course

...then builds a four-camel garage with a camel elevator.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 01:55 PM

15. I liked the part where he gathered all the fetuses around to tell them a parable...

while shooing the children away.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to LynneSin (Reply #15)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:38 PM

26. He was a smart investor, buying a local quarry.

he made a killing on the stoning concession.

So awesome!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 01:57 PM

16. don't forget how before healing, Jesus always asked to see proof of insurance

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:17 PM

18. When Jesus refuses to help the leper because he's lazy and doesn't have insurance

 

And then goes to the rich and gives them all tax breaks

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:26 PM

20. Song of Solomon

 

"Thy belly is like an heap of wheat; thy breasts are alabaster spheres..."

Take that, repressed Bible-thumpers!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to KamaAina (Reply #20)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 05:13 PM

35. can I get an Ay-Men!

I loved reading that in Sunday school.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to LadyHawkAZ (Reply #35)

Thu Apr 26, 2012, 10:09 AM

38. I read Gen 38 and explained about Onan

I was about 12 or 13 when I read and explained in detail the various aspects of the story. I worked on the shock value of him "spilling his seed".

Everyone still laughs about it even after 50 years. It wasn't long after that when I was excused from attending Sunday School.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:30 PM

21. SheilaT

SheilaT

My favorite bible part, have, for a long time been Psalm 27 "the lord is my light".. It just "talk" to me in a way I can not really explain.



&feature=related

Diclotican

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:35 PM

23. Matthew 5:7 - "And Jesus said be not like the hypocrites who preach on street corners!"

I can't fit the whole verse in but I can't tell you how many times it's ended an argument.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:36 PM

24. This is an actual thang in my local paper...

This is in response to Schuler’s comment about being a Jesus follower and “if you don’t work, you don’t eat” (March 15). My message to (her) would be, you do not get an amen. Jesus fed the homeless and the hungry.



http://heraldnews.suntimes.com/opinions/11821318-474/openline-jesus-wouldnt-say-that.html

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:48 PM

30. Amos. And Matthew 23.

The RW nutters may try to say otherwise, but the Bible really does have a liberal bias.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Brigid (Reply #30)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 03:06 PM

32. The Gospels are the true liberal part of the book

I mean think about Jesus. He didn't have a job, didn't have any money and wandered around the countryside hoping that people would provide him a place to stay and the occassional meal (if he wasn't making meals himself). Jesus scorned the leaders of the temple while embracing people in society who normally are considered outcasts like tax collectors and prostitutes.

Right-wing religious crazies rarely quote Jesus when they do their bidding - they are more of Paulists, who was the first Christian fundamentalist out there.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to LynneSin (Reply #32)

Thu Apr 26, 2012, 10:45 AM

41. I never could stand the Old Testament.

Dragged to church every week by my parents, the Old Testament readings were about the most boring things I could imagine. The Gospel, on the other hand, often seemed to make sense to me, even as a child.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to Nye Bevan (Reply #41)

Thu Apr 26, 2012, 10:53 AM

42. I see the old testament as history

This is how bad it was until Jesus showed up and said let's simplify things - love one another and treat everyone with respect.

Think of it as the USA before the Civil War. I really hate reading stories about slavery. It was such a vile thing our country had done. But it was our history and it's good to understand it so hopefully it doesn't repeat itself again.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 02:58 PM

31. John 7:14

"Not until halfway through the Feast did Jesus go up to the temple courts and begin to teach..."



...but first you all need to get student loans!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 03:11 PM

33. I like the sex stuff. Like this from Deuteronomy 22:28-29


28 If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered,

29 he shall pay her father fifty shekels[a] of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.

This one is great for 2 reasons ...

1) Apparently it only counts if you get caught committing the rape.

2) I've called every bank, but no one can give me a Shekels to Dollars conversion table. UGH!!!

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 05:16 PM

36. Crumb's illustrations.

Seriously. Who knew that thing was so exciting?




Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Wed Apr 25, 2012, 06:29 PM

37. My favorite is when God ordered the murder of babies and children, the Amalekites.

Shut's the fundies right up when I say I could never worship a God that would order the murder of babies and children.


The looks on their faces are just great.

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink


Response to SheilaT (Original post)

Thu Apr 26, 2012, 10:42 AM

40. "If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor,

and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.

But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions.

Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.

And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+19&version=KJV

Reply to this post

Back to top Alert abuse Link here Permalink

Reply to this thread