'I wish I'd aborted the son I've spent 47 years caring for'

[KamaAina]

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2803834/I-wish-d-aborted-son-ve-spent-47-years-caring-s-shocking-admission-read-judge.html

The pilot had been very patient but, after an hour of the plane waiting on the Tarmac at Heathrow, with my son Stephen refusing to get up off the floor, sit in his seat and buckle up, our bags were removed from the hold and he was carried off the flight, my husband Roy and I walking, hot-cheeked and humiliated, behind.

Our family holiday to Greece would not be going ahead, after all.

And no, Stephen was not an obstreperous toddler when this happened. He was 45 years old. This embarrassing scene happened two years ago and the episode is just one of the many challenges we have faced since Stephen, our second child, was born with Down's Syndrome.

So difficult has it been that I can honestly say I wish he hadn't been born.

[hlthe2b]

1. I would not judge someone who expressed frustration, yet whose record was 45 years of care....

[Logical]

12. +1000, those who do have not had to experience it I assume. nt

[locdlib]

19. i feel really bad for this person's situation. she is frustrated and understandably

angry with her situation. i'm sure she loves her son, but let's face it, her life has been difficult. if she had known what was ahead of her, and if she had been able to make that choice, she would have done it.

[hifiguy]

18. Agreed. Never in a million years.

This woman has gone through several dozen lifetimes worth of hells, I am sure.

[Egnever]

28. Wow!

That was well said!

[Scuba]

55. You are both very wise and very empathetic.

[hlthe2b]

59. that's a kind thing to say..

thank you!

[jberryhill]

2. I don't understand your smiley notation

That is how she feels.

[KamaAina]

4. The smiley is how I feel

Disabled lives have value, whether she thinks so or not.

[jberryhill]

5. I don't think she is saying her son's life is without value

Not being stressed out to the point of commitment to a psych hospital also has value.

She's not looking to kill her 47 year old son, and is concerned about his care after she and her husband pass on.

She seems to be saying that if things were different 47 years ago, she would have made a choice that was unavailable at that time.

People have lots of "woulda, shoulda, coulda" thoughts on their life.

I don't think anyone can say, "everything in my life has been peachy and there is nothing I would have changed or done differently."

[Mariana]

10. Are you anti-choice? nt.

[KamaAina]

11. I am not

I simply cannot believe someone would say that about her own son because he has a disability (as do I).

[gollygee]

20. People have said it about their kids without disabilities

so it stands to reason they'd say it about kids with disabilities. Not everyone is glad they became a parent, and the more difficult the parenting the more that's probably true.

People who have dealt with hard things sometimes have difficult feelings. That's part of life. They don't have to pretend it's easier than it is for other people's benefit.

[kcr]

23. She didn't say it because he has a disability n/t

[LawDeeDah]

26. She was obviously stressed out to the max, people say things in that state.

I sympathize with her, I am not going to call her down for a weak moment of despair.

[VanillaRhapsody]

51. My own grandmother aborted a fourth child because her third child was so hard to take care of...

and she and my grandfather couldn't afford another. So she had one in a backroom by a butcher. She survived and was fine...but she never regretted her decision. My grandfather, her husband agreed to this..

These two may have had other children that also suffered as a result of their not having a "choice".

[Oktober]

16. That's not what she said...

That is how you are interpreting it...

[KamaAina]

21. No, it's how the Daily Fail is interpreting it

in the headline.

[Sheepshank]

32. you seem particularly active these days

this article and your accompanying remarks no less judgemental that the one regarding the 29 year old with the inoperable brain tumor that wishes to doe on her own terms. I see a killing, dying theme going on.

I have no comments on you presumed OP judgements, because seriously, if she hated her son so much he would have been released as a ward to the state many many years ago. Instead she has tried to raise and care for him for 45 years.

[KamaAina]

36. I, too, see a killing, dying theme going on

the people being killed and dying have disabilities.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/10025429813

[nomorenomore08]

3. Yeah, it's ugly. But so is the world we live in.

[Brickbat]

6. I wonder if she would feel differently if she had had more support at the beginning of his life.

Resources and understanding have changed so much. I find it horrifying that no one told her that her son had Downs after he was born.

[KamaAina]

9. ^^^ THIS ^^^

[Dont call me Shirley]

30. And more support now.

[uppityperson]

7. That poor parent, to feel such frustration in dealing with their child.

[calimary]

8. I really feel for this lady.

May NO ONE criticize her or throw stones at her until and unless they've walked in her shoes.

[Logical]

13. So true. And not only that but some people can deal with it better. People are different. nt

[Louisiana1976]

37. That's right. If you're not a patient person who's tolerant of individual differences, you'll fail

utterly at parenting a disabled child.

[Shrike47]

14. That article is heartbreaking. So sad.

[liberal_at_heart]

15. That parent needs to get help dealing with the stress. Not dealing with the stresses of

parenting can affect the child parent relationship and can actually make the child behave worse. I have an autistic 16 yr old. I also have a 19 yr old daughter who is not autistic and surprisingly enough it was my daughter that I had the most trouble with. I had her when I was 18 and didn't know how to handle the stress of being such a young mother. I criticized her more than I should have and had a hard time connecting emotionally. It made her rebel against me and the cycle just repeated itself. Eventually I got old enough and mature enough to handle the stress of being a parent. I stopped criticizing her as much and she stopped rebelling as much. I had an immediate emotional connection with my autistic son because I was older and more mature and haven't had much trouble out of him at all.

[djean111]

22. A 45 year old man with Downs is not going to behave much differently. This is Downs, not autism.

Huge difference. Huge. You would actually have to walk a mile in her shoes.
Did you read the entire article?

[Dont call me Shirley]

39. I understand. Been there, done that. It's hard.

Forgive yourself. Ask your child(ren) for forgiveness and understanding. Seek to heal your relationship with her. Know that may take more time than you are prepared for.


"Don't judge yourself so harsh, my love
Or someday you may find your soul
Endangered"

Neil Young, Natural Beauty on Harvest Moon

[Jim Lane]

57. She has done so, per the article.

There remains an irreducible minimum of stress -- and the "minimum" is quite significant.

[Rex]

17. That is a horrible thing to say, but no doubt she meant it.

I cannot imagine being that frustrated, but obviously it does happen.

[Jenoch]

24. I knew several people with Downs

in the small town wbere I grew up. One was a girl who was at least ten years older than me. Her family were friends with my family. She was a bit spoiled and demanding. Another local family who had a boy with Downs. He was the happiest person I have ever met. He attended all of the local sporting events. He coukd be seen ruding his three wheel bike all over town. He was fairly high functioning and everbodyvin the town seemed to look after him. He died of heart problems a few years ago at age 63.

[KamaAina]

25. The incident at Heathrow doesn't sound like any of the people with Down's I know

in fact, it sounds more like an Autistic meltdown I might have had as a kid. I wonder if the man doesn't have some undiagnosed mental health issues; access to mental health is really crappy here, so maybe it is in the UK too.

[Jenoch]

27. The girl I mentioned with Downs would have been

capable of having a temper tantrum like that. I think the family gave in to her demands so often that she knew she could get her way at any time.

[djean111]

31. I had a friend in England who has a 20 YO son with Downs.

At times the guy would just refuse to get in the car or get out of the car. There all all degrees of Downs - some with Downs, like this woman's son, cannot even communicate or clean themselves, others can go on to act on TV shows. It is not a one-behavior fits all syndrome, in any way whatsoever. People with Downs are not created equal.

[d_r]

43. there can be

people with Down Syndrome on the autism spectrum

[HockeyMom]

29. High functioning

The majority of the American do not realize that there are varying ranges of Downs. I have worked with some in their 40s in Group Homes whose functioning were that of infants. Their now elderly parents could not care for them, and themselves. While in years past most did not live past their 40s, today they can live into old age. That means they could potentially outlive their parents. Who is going to care for these people? They become Wards of the State.

[djean111]

33. Thank you. Implying that people who cannot manage to control their Downs children are just not

doing something right is terrible, really.

[LisaL]

35. You don't know how functioning the child will be.

Hers is not high functioning. He is at the lever of a toddler, at 47 years old.
Imagine carrying for a perpetual toddler.
No wonder she had a mental breakdown along the way.

[Jenoch]

38. Steve, the man I was describing,

outlived his parents by many years. My mother had twin first cousins who were both born with downs. The girl became uncontrollable as a teenager (this was in the early 50s) she was institutionalized and likely sterilized. Her twin brother grew up much like Steve, from my hometown. He would ride his bike around a town of 500 collecting aluminum cans. People saved them just to give them to him. He too lived to be in his 60s. He had a brother who took advantage of him because he had a trust fund. One of his sisters attempted to intervene, the judge sided with the brother. After his death, the house was sold and the money went to the state.

[CTyankee]

49. Older parents have his problem, I learned. I worked for a nonproft organization that served

people with developmental disabilities and there were many instances of those who were conceived by older parents whose religious beliefs would not permit an abortion for a fetus with Down's Syndrome.

The afflicted individuals are often committed to Group Homes (if they were able to function in them) and they were subsidized by the state. No one has that much money if they child is so afflicted h/she cannot function on their own. It's a reality. My nonprofit worked with the state to help the people there to function as normally as possible.

While I loved working with the wonderful parents, I got the feeling that there was an underlying sense of resentment and anger. They didn't take it out on anyone, but it was a disappointment nonetheless...

[dembotoz]

34. was married to a speech therapist who worked at a sheltered workshop

prior to our son's birth she had every genetic test known to man on the fetus.
no way would she go thru what her clients parents went thru everyday.
do not doubt the feelings or the honesty of the story

[Jamastiene]

40. Yeah, it sounds horrible, but

everyone says things they don't mean in a fit of frustration, especially people who have been caring for someone for so long. It is called caregiver burnout and this lady sounds like she has it. She probably needs respite care for him so she can take a break. When you are a caregiver for an adult who is dependent on you 24/7/365, it gets really really tiring. It's not an 8 hour job and you go home. It truly is 24/7/365. You do get burnout from it, especially if no one is helping you and you never get a break. 20+ years of experience has taught me that sometimes, you absolutely have to find a way to take a break, whether the rest of the family will help out or not. Save up if necessary to have breaks. It is important.

Of course, she did not mean it. She was most likely at her wit's end and frustrated.

[kiva]

41. Context is everything.

In the article Ms. Relf says she agreed to talk about this because another woman who went public with her decision to abort a fetus with Down's Syndrome has gotten so much criticism; Relf allowed this interview to support that choice, and I absolutely agree with her.

Does the WTF smiley reflect your view of a woman's right to choose, or just if she chooses abortion when it involves Down's Syndrome?

[KamaAina]

42. Neither.

As expressed upthread, it reflects my view of the attitude that people with disabilities shouldn't be born. So closer to the latter.

[SunSeeker]

44. But that is not what that mother is saying.

She is saying she wishes her son had never been born. Not all people with disabilities. Her son. She is commenting on her specific situation.

If she indeed was not told that her son had Downs Syndrome before she gave birth, then that is truly a tragedy. Every mother should have the right to determine for herself if she is capable of devoting her life to a severely disabled child--and whether to go through with the pregnancy or not. We have no right to interfere with that decision. Deciding to abort a fetus testing positive for Downs Syndrome can be and often is the best decision for that woman and her family's quality of life. Sadly, it does not appear she had that choice. I feel sorry for her and her family, including her son. None of them appear to be having much quality of life.

[KamaAina]

45. The tests were not available 47 years ago

as the article mentions.

[djean111]

46. In her story, the tests were available, they just would not give her the test because she was

young and had already had a child without Downs.

[JEB]

47. I would not want to burden any of my family like that for 45 years.

[nomorenomore08]

56. +1

I had the same thought myself.

[Skittles]

48. this gal is very brave indeed

[renate]

50. something someone said in the comments really made me think:

Parents of kids without disabilities feel free to complain all they want about the difficulties of raising kids (even when the kids are relatively easy to raise, there are still days that make you want to scream; every parent knows what I'm talking about, and I don't fear any criticism when I say so), but parents of kids with disabilities risk being judged whenever they talk about how extra hard it is. I can't think of any logic for this discrepancy, but I think it's often true.

[Ken Burch]

52. Why did the Daily Mail even publish this?

It's inappropriate on so many levels.

[Rex]

58. The Daily Mail can be pretty crappy.

I don't know why we actually pay attention to that one. I'm surprised bat boy doesn't work there as an editor.

[Ken Burch]

53. What makes the Mail's decision to run this column this even more sickening

is that that paper spent most of the Seventies and Eighties(the years when Stephen was a child and teenager)pushing for the agenda of Margaret Thatcher...an agenda which included massive cuts in all social benefits, including services for parents raising children with Down's and other mental and physical challenges.

[enid602]

54. Babs

I imagine Babs Bush had the same thought on occasion.