I'm going there...

[one_voice]

Last edited Wed May 28, 2014, 12:56 PM - Edit history (1)

Misogyny is being discussed. In that discussion misandry has been brought up-joked about and brushed off.

So I will ask about it. Domestic violence. I saw this in the men's group. http://www.democraticunderground.com/111413872

Thoughts on domestic violence.

Here are mine.

First, it's absolutely a reality for men. There are same sex relationships where it happens. But also hetro relationships. I personally know of a few.

I will talk about one. I know a guy, one of the best men you will ever meet. His wife was a drunk. A violent drunk. A horrible woman both sober and drunk. When she would she would assault him. She would throw things at him. Heavy things. She would hit him with frying pans, belts, shoes, anything she could get her hands on. He couldn't always get away before it started. There were kids. He wouldn't leave the kids with her like that. If he knew before hand he would get the kids and go. But if he came home and it was already in progress he usually couldn't get away.

He'd do what he could to restrain her--without hitting/hurting her. He always ended up with a few stitches/bruises/bumps. The cops were always involved.


edited to add some links:

http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/statistics/

http://www.ncadv.org/files/MaleVictims.pdf


*will look for more links

[antiquie]

1. Older men are often care givers of their spouses.

Two I know cared for physically abusive dementive women. Others are abused verbally to the point of affecting their own health.

It isn't misandry. It is sad and horrible for the people involved. There isn't a way out that doesn't involve abandonment (even if not in the legal sense) that they would not do.

[quinnox]

2. It's a very real problem, and I'm glad there have been moves in recent history within the criminal

justice system that are focused on it, such as victims rights organizations which provide domestic shelters, and tough laws that require the police to make an arrest whenever a domestic assault or incident occurs.

I'm mainly talking about traditional man on woman violence in my post, but no doubt some of the other types also occur, though not to such a great extent.

[dawg]

3. Men are also victims of domestic abuse. No doubt about that.

And the cultural double-standard that makes it downright hi-larious for a man to be slapped, bonked with a frying pan, scalded with water (or hot grits), is not helpful at all.

That doesn't change the fact that domestic violence is a much larger problem for women. Most straight men are bigger and stronger than their partners, and physically capable of defending themselves.

Also, there is still a large group of women who are so economically dependent on their husbands, that they fear breaking away for financial reasons. This is much rarer with men.

[leftyohiolib]

9. so men quit your bitching about your abuse it isnt as important b/c being it's rare and

youre bigger and stronger (unless youre not, she's into mma or youre asleep) but if you use your biggerness and strength you get to go to jail for abuse. but on the bright side it's rare you know so ....

[dawg]

11. Not what I said ...

at all.

It's a problem. It just isn't as widespread a problem as male on female domestic violence. That is all.

[seabeyond]

16. absolutely not. shine a light. keep it in awareness, educate. demand the police to listen

implement laws (as i believe has happened), create an environment that men can step forward.

i read an article on a police man that was raped. totally profound, and insightful and the pragmatic of what needs to be done to take care of male victims. i would love to have the article link to put here. it was told by the policeman as a cop and as a rape victim going thru the system.

[polly7]

4. Yes, it's very real and just as soul-destroying as it is for a woman in the same situation.

My brother was physically, emotionally and verbally abused for years by his wife. He was too proud and ashamed to talk about it, but we all knew ... just by watching them together at family gatherings and knowing what a POS she was. The hard thing was, he loved her, and I know that some part of her loved him as well, she was just a narcissistic, selfish, entitled person who he could never do enough for. I can't tell you the tears I cried for him - thankfully, he finally got out of it.

[el_bryanto]

5. That is a shame for your friend. Sounds like a terrible situation?

Do you have numbers comparing the incidents of male on female violence vs. incidents of female on male violence?

Bryant

[one_voice]

6. No, I don't have the numbers...

I will look into it. I have to run out. I have no doubt that there's a higher incidence of male on female violence.

I lived in a home where my mother was beaten and eventually shot (not killed) so I've seen it first hand. It's terrible.

I will get those numbers when I get back.

[closeupready]

7. DU isn't fair on this topic.

Time and again I've seen topics raised about men being raped - both by men AND women - and members here laugh it off, even comment approvingly. Not everyone, of course, but I'd guess about 20-30% of people commenting.

Additionally, those kinds of topics (female acts of violence against men) never get much discussion, and they die a rapid death.

Just the way it is on this board.

[Lee-Lee]

8. Ohh yes, it's very real

I worked domestic violence my last years as a deputy.

It exists. In fact for what we can call "minor" cases (not to pretend it isn't an issue or minimize it, but put it on a severity spectrum) it can actually be more common. Society is a lot, lot more accepting of a woman slapping a man in the heat of an argument than vice-versa, or even of less violent examples like throwing a drink on somebody.

The shock on many women's faces when I would arrest them after they admitted to slapping their husband/boyfriend during a fight was almost always there. "Domestic violence? But I'm the woman!" Or some variation thereof was always the protest.

And men are far, far less likely to report it, admit it, or follow trough with the legal system about it. Some of that is societal- men are pressured to look masculine and going to the police because a woman hit you is viewed as anything but. Part of it is ignorance of the law assuming that it's ok for a woman to hit a man but not vice-versa because that's how they were raised. They just shrug it off as something that happens, they see women slap men on TV and movies and assume that's just how it goes. Part of it is that institutionally law enforcement agencies haven't treated it the same, but that is changing.

On the flip side, the more severe cases I saw were predominately male on female domestic violence.

[Liberal Veteran]

10. I've avoided a lot of this, but I think it is important all around.

I spent almost four years in a same-gender relationship that was violent. Four times the cops showed up and four times they left without making an arrest. Didn't matter that my nose was bleeding or my eye was swelling or the red marks showing on my neck.

I'd like to think that in the 22 years since things have changed. I don't know. What I do know is that a lot of people think of domestic violence as male on female. But it also involves male on male, female on female, female on male.

On DU, I'd expect you'd find more people are aware of the various forms of domestic violence and if they haven't thought about it, I'd like to believe that the reason is that it didn't occur to them.

So I'm just gonna leave this video here....and maybe we can talk about this as a problem that relationships of all types can experience.

[1000words]

17. That's a powerful video

Apparently, it's amusing when it's female-on-male domestic violence. See the smiles and laughter?

[Zorra]

12. Alcoholism is a terrible, debilitating disease. I'm puzzled; why doesn't your friend leave her for

the sake of the kids, and take the children someplace where they are not in danger from this very sick woman who is obviously a very serious threat to all concerned?

[Lee-Lee]

13. It can be hard to convince a DV victim to leave

Often they don't see it like we do from the outside. They feel love despite the abuse, they feel obligated to stay, they feel like they carry the blame for what happens, they feel like they can "fix it". Any or any combination of these is common in DV victims.

Our view from the outside isn't anything like theirs is. It can take lots of counseling or a strong intervention, or simply that one event or act that pushes them over the edge.

[Zorra]

14. It's not the DV, but the severe alcoholism, and danger to the children, that should

make leaving a a no brainer for any responsible person.

If someone wants to hang out with their abuser for sentimental reasons, that's their prerogative. If the abuser is a sick addict that is a clear and present danger to their kids, it's no longer their prerogative. It's their responsibility to keep their children safe from dangerous, deranged people, especially in their own household, who are violent, and not in control of their faculties and actions.

I understand what you are saying, I've had several friends/acquaintances who have stayed with their partners after being abused, but none of them had children in immediate danger, like what is described in the OP.

[Lee-Lee]

15. Sadly, I've seen it with children way too often

Often it was DSS showing up to take the kids that is what it took for a wake up call.

[one_voice]

18. I'm sorry I wasn't more clear...

He's not with her any longer. The children were not his. He stayed till he knew they were safely with another family member. I really don't know if she's gotten help or not. I know he's been through counseling. He's an unbelievably great guy. Very gentle, very soft spoken, but extremely strong. He's still in touch with the children.

He's a runs with my daughter & myself. He's family. He's my brother.