Here’s why you have to be a dick to be a Republican

(a partial list)

You want to deny health care to millions – Screw children, the elderly and everyone in between. Every once in a while you’ve got to thin out the herd.

You want to make sure that no one can get an abortion – Including that 13 year old who was raped and that woman whose physical or financial existence is endangered.

You want to make sure no one can vote except white, mature men – Can’t have the country destroyed by “The Other.”

You have to make sure that all education is privatized and useless – educated peasants can be dangerous.

You have to be sure your voters believe global warming is a myth – Can’t have anything biting into the fossil fuel profits of your donors.

You have to keep the peasants working for as little money as possible – Hell, it’s the next best thing to slavery and you don’t have to give ‘em room and board.

You have to be against everything that black guy in the White House is for – And keep telling your moron voters he’s an uppity bastard who wasn’t even born in America.

You have to be against repairing the infrastructure – Safe bridges, roads, rails, water: screw ‘em all. Let the next generation worry about that crap.

You must be against any rights for women – They’ve been a pain in the ass ever since they got the vote. Let ‘em bring up kids and get on their knees when you want them there.

You’ve have to tone down anti-LGBT rhetoric – Too many of “THEM” out there now, (not to mention that perhaps you yourself might be so inclined).

You have to keep saying you want to attack any country that pisses us off – can’t let down your weapon-maker donors.

You have to care for your voice so you can shriek BENGHAZI, BENGHAZI, every moment of every day. Amazing what the suckers who vote for your will believe.

And most importantly, you have to say “God” and “Jesus” a lot. Don’t ever let those voters forget whose side God is on.

Please add to whatever I missed.