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Thu Feb 27, 2014, 10:11 PM

Tell me if I got this right about gay weddings

According to The Very Far Right, every gay wedding starts in the basement of the local Satanist church. As the happy couple enter the church in a state of complete undress, a heavy metal band laid on for the occasion plays Black Sabbath's "NIB" while a Christian photographer who's been forced to shoot the wedding under threat of legal action takes lots of happy snaps. At the end of the ceremony, instead of the officiant telling someone to "kiss the bride" he presses a condom and a tube of Astroglide into each of their hands and says, "consummate your marriage. Right here and right now." After the gay sex is completed, the guests all file into the reception hall where they snack on penis-shaped cake (made by a devout baker, once again under threat of lawsuits) and straight shots of bourbon before the night's entertainment - not dancing but a huge orgy - commences.

Which is strange, because I always thought a gay wedding was like an opposite-sex wedding except the wedding cake is chocolate and no one in the wedding party's wearing a dress.

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Arrow 18 replies Author Time Post
Reply Tell me if I got this right about gay weddings (Original post)
jmowreader Feb 2014 OP
raven mad Feb 2014 #1
Tx4obama Feb 2014 #2
jmowreader Feb 2014 #3
jberryhill Feb 2014 #4
scarletwoman Feb 2014 #5
msanthrope Feb 2014 #6
madinmaryland Feb 2014 #7
1awake Feb 2014 #10
Incitatus Feb 2014 #8
pipi_k Feb 2014 #9
surrealAmerican Feb 2014 #11
jmowreader Feb 2014 #14
Drew Richards Feb 2014 #12
nomorenomore08 Feb 2014 #13
yurbud Feb 2014 #15
jmowreader Feb 2014 #16
yurbud Feb 2014 #17
Hassin Bin Sober Feb 2014 #18

Response to jmowreader (Original post)

Thu Feb 27, 2014, 10:14 PM

1. The only one I've been to -

was in a neat A-frame on top of a local mountain with both moms in attendance - one of whom was the minister who married my two best friends.

I didn't see a damn devil (except maybe my husband, who kept pinching my butt) in attendance.

Crap. Where can I go to one of them? Sounds like it'd be interesting............ a huge orgy? Does that involve more than 2 people? Wow.

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Response to jmowreader (Original post)

Thu Feb 27, 2014, 10:14 PM

2. Two things...


Not all gay folks like chocolate cake.

And there are many gay weddings where both women wear a dress



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Response to Tx4obama (Reply #2)

Thu Feb 27, 2014, 10:20 PM

3. True dat...

Your straight bride, OTOH, must like Inedible cake, because most wedding cakes are that flavor.

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Response to jmowreader (Original post)

Thu Feb 27, 2014, 10:58 PM

4. I have been going to the wrong weddings

 

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Response to jmowreader (Original post)

Thu Feb 27, 2014, 11:01 PM

5. PENIS CAKE! PENIS CAKE! PENIS CAKE!

Gimme some of that PENIS CAKE!

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Response to jmowreader (Original post)

Thu Feb 27, 2014, 11:10 PM

7. Or maybe they are all wearing dresses? nt

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Response to madinmaryland (Reply #7)

Thu Feb 27, 2014, 11:16 PM

10. I am not wearing a dress... nobody would want me wearing a dress.

It would start a panic.

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Response to jmowreader (Original post)

Thu Feb 27, 2014, 11:11 PM

8. The problerm is they haven't been to any and are just recalling them from their dreams. nt

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Response to jmowreader (Original post)

Thu Feb 27, 2014, 11:14 PM

9. Well yeah

That's pretty much what happened at the wedding I went to, except for the condoms and lubricant, because it was a lesbian wedding

It was a hell of a good time

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Response to jmowreader (Original post)

Fri Feb 28, 2014, 01:23 AM

11. Shouldn't there be flowers ...

... and maybe a band too? The more "devout professionals" you can force to work the event, the better the wedding, right?

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Response to surrealAmerican (Reply #11)

Fri Feb 28, 2014, 05:07 AM

14. And a caterer

I think if I was having a gay wedding I'd be sure to hire nothing but fundies to work it.

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Response to jmowreader (Original post)

Fri Feb 28, 2014, 01:53 AM

12. Close but you forgot the most important fantasy part from the right...

The poor photographer must be stripped naked and wear nothing but a studded leather harness and choker that we get to lead them around by...and oh yeah we get to use them for sex before, during and after the wedding...that goes for the butcher baker and christian candlestick maker too...they must submit to our desires...only then is it a "legitimate" same sex marriage.

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Response to jmowreader (Original post)

Fri Feb 28, 2014, 03:40 AM

13. "My name is Lucifer, please take my hand..." How can it be wrong if it feels so right???

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Response to jmowreader (Original post)

Fri Feb 28, 2014, 04:03 PM

15. I think most right wingers think a gay marriage is like a shotgun wedding

except two heterosexuals of the same sex are forced to marry.

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Response to yurbud (Reply #15)

Fri Feb 28, 2014, 04:43 PM

16. No. They know the two participants are gay.

The impression I get from reading RW crap, is they believe The Gay is this incurable disease that forces its sufferers to commit anal rape in any and all situations. Say you're in the supermarket and you see a cake mix you want that's on the bottom shelf. You bend over to get it. If someone with The Gay was at the other end of the aisle looking at the (whatever foods people with The Gay eat), you bending down to pick out your item triggers their Gaydar and they immediately rush over and Gay Rape you.

Worse, once you've been Gay Raped you immediately contract The Gay and start doing it to other people. It's like zombification without the biting.

You know, I think I just found the subject for my next NaNoWriMo book. But that's beside the point.

If you saw the movie of MASH you might remember the dentist. One evening he couldn't get it up for a cute nurse and decided he had The Gay...at a meeting to discuss it one of the other doctors said it hadn't taken over because "he hasn't started raping yet." So yeah, they really think all gays are just in it for the sex.

Strange: if all gays want to do is have sex, last I checked the gay bars and other places gays congregate, like the men's room at the Minneapolis Airport, are still open. So all this crap about penis cakes and temples-of-the-anus really don't enter into it. The topper on a straight wedding cake is a man in a suit and a woman in a dress, not a penis sticking halfway out of a vagina. I have a cake supply catalog. Not one penis-sticking-out-of-vagina topper in the whole thing. And I am sure a lot more straight weddings were entered into for sex than there have ever been gay weddings.

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Response to jmowreader (Reply #16)

Fri Feb 28, 2014, 06:20 PM

17. I thought you caught the gay by knowing gays exist and not actively trying to oppress them

at least that's what you could infer from the righties.

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Response to jmowreader (Original post)

Fri Feb 28, 2014, 06:22 PM

18. Sounds like a pretty good weekend in Vegas.

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