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Mon Feb 25, 2013, 05:58 PM

Thing X Apologizes


In addition, let me take this opportunity to apologize to anyone who's ever been offended by anything at any point throughout time. To be challenged in any way, or made to feel an emotion that is not immediately recognizable, is the worst thing in the world, and something for which the incredible human gift of language should never, ever be used. We are sorry if your feelings were ever hurt about anything.

To that end, we're sorry to the people of Pompeii, JonBenet Ramsey, the people of Afghanistan, the people of Iraq, the people of Rochester, New York, those who were unhappy with their last meal, the world's retarded people, the victims of the tsunami thing, anyone who was offended just now by the term "retarded people," Jimmy Spivey, whom I made fun of in high school for his big fat head, Armenians, and, most importantly, victims everywhere—especially our advertisers.

Rest assured that from this day forward, nothing will matter to us more than your comfort, now and after we are dead. Moreover, we have taken immediate action and murdered every intern involved with these incidents.

I feel like such a c*nt right now.


Steve Banannah
Thing X CEO


Spoof of The Onion CEO apology by former Onion writers. The asterisk was added by me to avoid spelling out the word in question.

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oberliner Feb 2013 OP
monmouth3 Feb 2013 #1
oberliner Feb 2013 #2

Response to oberliner (Original post)

Mon Feb 25, 2013, 06:12 PM

1. The Onion offered a very sincere apology. I hope this is the end of it..n/t

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Response to monmouth3 (Reply #1)

Mon Feb 25, 2013, 07:01 PM

2. These folks are saying they should not have apologized

What do you think?

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