A Holiday Letter from John Boehner - to all of us from Andy Borowitz
December 24, 2012
A Holiday Letter from John Boehner
Posted by Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)Today, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Ohio) released the following holiday letter to the American people:
Dear American People:
Its Speaker Boehner here, writing my first and last ever holiday letter to you. Why am I doing this after all of these years, you might ask? Well, I wont mince words. Ive started drinking a little early this Christmas.
Yes, Im sitting here in my man-cave, panelled in mahogany the color of me, doing a rack of Canadian Club shooters and smoking my way through a carton of Lucky Strikes as if they were the last Twinkies in creation. If my chief of staff knew that I was writing to you while I was this polluted, hed shit a phone book. But guess what? I dont fucking care anymore.
You see, this will be my last Christmas as Speaker of the House, all because a cabal of Tea Party miscreants in the House of Representatives doesnt think Im a ginormous enough asshole for their taste. Whos more to their liking? Virginias own Eric Cantor. As a waiter might say at an all-you-can-eat shit buffet, Excellent choice. How odious is Eric Cantor? Let me put it this way: when we have to speak to the press, I actually prefer to stand next to Mitch McConnell.
What will life be like under Speaker of the House Eric Cantor? Well, hes the guy who recommended cuts in disaster funding just hours after tornadoes hit Joplin, Missouri. Nice. And it was his never met a dick-measuring contest I didnt like pathology that helped create last years debt-ceiling crisis. You cant put a price tag on a performance like that. Well, actually you can: it cost the country nineteen billion dollars. Starting to miss me already, arent you? Fuck you.
So have a very Eric Cantor Christmas, America, and as that smug four-eyed sociopath drives the entire nation off the cliff, dont say I didnt warn you. Now leave me alone, God damn you. Damn you all to hell.
Happy Holidays,
Speaker Boehner
Read more: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2012/12/a-holiday-letter-from-john-boehner.html#ixzz2FzvZe8sD
And I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays
We've come through a lot this year, and emerged victorious, I'm grateful.
Mira