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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsFrankly, I Found Beyonc's Speech Wonky and Off-Putting (Ferret/Shower Cap)
поздравления, comrades! Operation Jade Helm VIII: Joy Buzzer succeeded beyond our wildest imaginings, and soon, we shall deliver these hapless United States into the tan suit-clad arms of our DEI hire and a mere assistant coach! Muah hah hah hah hee hee ho ho hah hah!
hoo. (Yadda yadda links n colors: https://showercapblog.com/frankly-i-found-beyonces-speech-wonky-and-off-putting/)
Yeah, for four whole days without a single pro wrestler, it went okay, I guess. I understand Melania has already plagiarized Obamas dick joke for that eulogy shes been restlessly tinkering with.
It was such an exuberant display of unity for the Coalition of the Decent, from Bernie to Kinzinger and back again, you just know Mike Pence turned to Mother to ask if she thought it would be a good idea to reach out to the Exonerated Five about starting some sort of Guys Donald Trump Tried to Murder euchre league.
Its a great big beautiful tent, and all are welcome
except the HAW HAW HAW TIM WALZS KID HAS EMOTIONS WHATTA CUCK crowd. Yall have to go to the other tent. I wouldnt drink the water.
You cant miss it, its the one full of mediocre white dudes pitching fits. It can be hard to tell em apart, so Ill give you a hand: the runty little weasel screeching that the Obamas are uppity is Nick Fuentes, whereas the smug creep with the projectile DunningKruger effect trying to make birtherism happen? Thats Jesse Watters. Just laugh derisively whenever anybody mentions Doritos, and youll blend right in.
Arent you glad youre not MAGA? Isnt it wonderful to possess no desire whatsoever to mock a neurodivergent teenager for (gasp) expressing affection for his father? Fuck it, having seen so many stumble over the lowest imaginable hurdles, Im gonna strut my basic humanity from here on out. Yeah, not only did I never make a single Paul Pelosi hammer joke, my bodys sixty percent water! My fingernails grow constantly, and I voted against the wannabe autocrat all three times!
Still, amidst the positivity and patriotism, I would be remiss in my duties if I failed to note the one demographic explicitly marked for exclusion under a Harris/Walz regime: Rapist, Insurrectionist Game Show Hosts. In a Harris Administration, RIGSH-Americans would be denied their right to engage in their peoples most sacred traditions, from violently overturning the elections they lose, to rape.
Why, mere weeks ago, one of our nations leading Rapist, Insurrectionist Game Show Hosts fantasized openly about the crime spree that lay ahead in the wake of the constitutional blank check issued by the Roberts Court; now, hes been reduced to trolling the wingnut media bubble for television personalities to tag along on his proposed Venezuelan exile.
Even with the polls and forecast models moving in Kamalas favor, (and I doubt hes getting an answer he likes from his Mirror Mirror Whos the Fairest bit, either) you know its the massive L in the ratings war thats reduced him to a blubbering mess, ineffectually mashing the buttons on his phone with those tiny, inadequate fingers, while Fox Nooz hosts insist they cant talk right now, theyre washing their hair.
Little did the unsuspecting libtards realize their precious convention had been infiltrated by a crack squad of MAGA Mata Haris, led by masters of disguise Matt Walsh and Mike Lindell, who wound up ensnared in one anothers respective honey traps, a tangle of starched flannel and shoddily-manufactured bedding discovered necking in a dumpster behind the Billy Goat Tavern.
(Dont worry, before departing for his clandestine tryst, Mike obtained permission from the 12-year-old who owned him earlier in the day.)
Well, the once promising RFK Jr. op had devolved into a Wile E. Coyote-esque ratfuck boomerang, so the GOP called Bobby & his Brainworm home. In between bites of the raccoon he ran over on the way to the press conference, the weird sheep of Americas most famous political dynasty offered extended musings on the age at which girls reach puberty, in addition to his endorsement of the Dotard, whichll look great on the mantel, between Kid Rocks and Catturds.
No wonder these clowns remain so thoroughly flummoxed by Coach Walzs normcore playbook. The swiftboating revival closed out of town, so the new smear is that hes a sleeper agent for the Chinese Communist Party, because he got married on the anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre, ysee, which admittedly explains the tank-shaped wedding cake bearing down on the petit fours personalized with each guests name.
In contrast, walking MAGA monkeypaw JD Vance keeps shambling through a grotesque anti-campaign thats barely an imploding drummer shy of a Spinal Tap outtake. Looks like all those long hours of Normal Human Donut Ordering prep were for naught, alas, but honestly, who could be expected to navigate such a fraught social interaction without earning a restraining order or two?
Rudy Giuliani and Donnie One-Term himself are invited guest speakers at the J6 Awards Gala taking place next month at Bedpisser, the tacky golf resort which somehow has yet to be seized by law enforcement. The race for most damning evidence uploaded to a terrorists own social media account category is particularly competitive this year.
Yknow, there was a time when getting a law degree, representing a domestic terror group, fucking one of the terrorists, and advising the others to destroy evidence ahead of their seditious conspiracy trial was a reliable path to the middle class in this country. As Kellye SoRellell tell ya, those days have gone the way of Mayberry and Crystal Pepsi. (In the distance, a bald eagle caws a mournful caw.)
Now that his buddy Poots sold him out on that whole hostage exchange thing, word is Off-Brand Orbáns been begging Bibi through back channels to reject any ceasefire deals, because I guess when youve got 34 felony convictions with 54 more queued up, whats a violation of the Logan Act, more or less?
A Trump-appointed federal judge in Kansas was feeling frisky, and decided to invent a constitutional right to own a machine gun. Now, in Federalist No. 10, James Madison talks extensively of the awesomeness of the Grand Theft Auto franchise, so I think this one will hold up on appeal.
House Republicans finally released their sad, flaccid Biden impeachment report, which found exactly zero impeachable offenses, but recommended impeachment anyway, if only for the sake of poor, dumb Jimmy Comers mom, who hasnt had anything to put up on the fridge since that finger painting of a duck driving a bulldozer, which turned out to be stolen from another kids cubby.
Well, after federal law enforcement rejected his initial offer of the key to Anthony Devolders safety deposit box in Medellín, George Santos pleaded guilty to a couple of felonies, as if any prison could hold him. As for the issue of whether or not hell be allowed to sew a fake collar into his jumpsuit, SCOTUS will hear arguments next March.
Hulk Hogan dropped a leg on his public rehabilitation efforts with a drunken, racist rant in which he offered to body slam Vice President Harris, no doubt costing himself a speaking slot at the 2028 RNC, and, more importantly, the accompanying 20 dollar gift card to the buffet at the casino slated to host, which was a big part of the Hulksters retirement plan.
Maria Bartiromo heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from another Texas has been messing around with registering undocumented immigrants to vote, which is, of course, nowhere close to true. Now, if Maria worked for a reputable news organization, shed be under the gun, possibly even forced to take it on the run, but she doesnt, so I imagine shell keep on ridin the storm out. I imagine these REO Speedwagon jokes arent landing, so I believe its time for me to fly.
Before I sign off, Id like to welcome the blogs newest sponsor: meet TRUMPY TROUT, the hot new animatronic male masturbator taking Cult45 by storm! 9 out of 10 incels say Close enough, although how the fuck would I know?
Of course, as longtime readers know, Shower Caps Blog is actually brought to you by BEER. And while the celebratory beers of August have been far sweeter than the Holy Fuck Were All Going to Die beers of June, the liquor store still stubbornly insists upon payment.
Make no mistake, Im prepared to turn to a life of crime if necessary, but relying upon the kind generosity of the readership seems safer. The tip jar now accepts Venmo, PayPal AND Cash App, so pick yer poison. And as ever, sharing this post on social media, following @john_luzar, and signing up on the email list at showercapblog.com are free! Stay safe out there, me hearties
P.S., I think we should all just act like Beyoncé did show up, and put on a killer show. Were allowed to gaslight them for a change. Just say Elon blocked it because she made up a little impromptu song about all the money he lost on Twitter.
2naSalit
(92,988 posts)It was Beyonce and Taylor Swift.
K&R
Ferrets are Cool
(21,961 posts)It was nothing more than a rumor. Not sure why anyone is upset.
rubbersole
(8,602 posts)Taylor is probably thinking about the safety of her fans (UK and Venice) and herself when considering the ramifications of a political endorsement. Swifties are registering and voting already.