Fiona Apple's Heartbreakingly Beautiful Letter To Her Fans About Staying With Her Dying Dog

[Are_grits_groceries]

<snip>
On Friday, in a heartbreaking, handwritten letter addressed to "a few thousand friends I have not met yet," Fiona Apple announced that she is postponing the South American leg of her tour due to the ill-health of her beloved pit bull, Janet — a 13-year-old rescue dog suffering from Addison's disease and, more worryingly, a tumor on her chest.
<snip>
It's 6pm on Friday, and I'm writing to a few thousand friends I have not met yet. I'm writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.

Here's the thing.

I have a dog, Janet, and she's been ill for about 2 years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She's almost 14 years old now. I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then — an adult, officially — and she was my kid.

She is a pitbull, and was found in Echo Park, with a rope around her neck, and bites all over her ears and face.

She was the one the dogfighters use to puff up the confidence of the contenders.

She's almost 14 and I've never seen her start a fight, or bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She's a pacifist.

Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact. We've lived in numerous houses, and joined a few makeshift families, but it's always really been just the two of us.

She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.

She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me, all the time we recorded the last album.

The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she's used to me being gone for a few weeks, every 6 or 7 years.

She has Addison's Disease, which makes it more dangerous for her to travel, since she needs regular injections of Cortisol, because she reacts to stress and excitement without the physiological tools which keep most of us from literally panicking to death.

Despite all this, she's effortlessly joyful & playful, and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago. She is my best friend, and my mother, and my daughter, my benefactor, and she's the one who taught me what love is.

I can't come to South America. Not now. When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference.

She doesn't even want to go for walks anymore.

I know that she's not sad about aging or dying. Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That's why they are so much more present than people.

But I know she is coming close to the time where she will stop being a dog, and start instead to be part of everything. She'll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.

I just can't leave her now, please understand. If I go away again, I'm afraid she'll die and I won't have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.

Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes just to decide what socks to wear to bed.

But this decision is instant.

These are the choices we make, which define us. I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love & friendship.

I am the woman who stays home, baking Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend. And helps her be comfortable & comforted & safe & important.

Many of us these days, we dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life that keeps us feeling terrified & alone. I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time. I know that I will feel the most overwhelming knowledge of her, and of her life and of my love for her, in the last moments.

I need to do my damnedest, to be there for that.

Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I've ever known.

When she dies.

So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and I am revelling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel. And I'm asking for your blessing.

I'll be seeing you.

Love,

Fiona
http://www.lettersofnote.com/2012/11/she-is-my-best-friend.html

Something in my eye......

[xchrom]

1. that's how it should be with your dog...

[LeftofObama]

2. Peace to you, Janet.

[A-Long-Little-Doggie]

3. A woman with her priorities straight

Best to Fiona and Janet

[WiffenPoof]

4. Tears Are Rolling Down My Face

...a salty taste my mouth. Passages, passages.

Paige

[ebbie15644]

9. Me too!

[Auntie Bush]

41. I wonder why my nose is running...don't even have a cold.

She described my emotions when I had to send my beloved companion of 16 years to Rainbow Ridge. My little fuzzy angel is waiting patiently there for me to join him. Hope he's very patient!

I really, really FEEL her pain.

[vt_native]

5. Fiona, I admire your priorities

Best to you both.

And good luck in TX with the DA

[malaise]

6. You find the most amazing stories

This is sad but lovely.

[Chorophyll]

7. Well, you got me.

7:30 in the morning and I'm already weeping.

[barbtries]

8. damn.

i hope i'll be able to face up to it when my beloved chihuahua is ready to go. that was beautiful.

[MarianJack]

10. When my doggie Spencer went to doggie heaven in 1993,...

..it was the hardest thing I'd ever gone through in my life to that point.

In this case, I can truly say that I know how she feels.

PEACE!

[catbyte]

11. Good for her. Nothing is more important than family

[marmar]

12. That's sad.....and I love Fiona Apple's music.

[bhikkhu]

51. This one's my favorite:

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She's an amazing singer, and a beautiful person!

[eaglesfanintn]

13. I have two rescue dogs

One is a, well heck, we don't know what she is - looks like a German Shepherd bred with a chihuahua. The other is a pit bull/lab mix. They are both the sweetest dogs and the constant companion in my home life. I have also had to put a beloved dog to sleep - one that saw me through some very difficult times and was often the only reason I got out of bed in the morning.
I applaud her for her decision to put love over touring. To put the needs of a companion over her own. To understand that a dog doesn't just obey its "master", but can give us unconditional love and that the best we can do as humans is to return that love and care for a creature that has, in essence, put its life into our hands.
I'll never forget the day I took my beloved Bailey to the vet for the final time and I don't look forward to having to make that trip with either of our current dogs. But, the time in between; the time we get to love them and have them love us, that's the payoff.

[KTinaY2008]

25. What a beautiful letter

I could feel the love she had for Janet through that letter.

I have a husky mix that I rescued from a shelter back in 2008. He was 2 lbs and the shelter told me they thought he was a chihuahua mix and told me he was 12 weeks old. My son named him Nemo. Come to find out he was only 3 weeks old, ate up with worms, and had so many fleas he was severely anemic. He recovered quickly with treatment and nourishment. Now he is a 65 lb husky mix. He has a special relationship with my son who is autistic. For those of you familiar with autism, you know about the meltdowns. The other night my son was having a meltdown and I wasn't able to calm him down. Nemo walks up to him, and nudges my son's hand. That's all it took. My son calmed down immediately, hugged Nemo and said "I love you so much." Sometimes Nemo knows how to help him better than I do. I'm very grateful to Nemo. He's made a world of difference in my son's life.

[Auntie Bush]

42. That brought back the tears again. Dogs can be such excellent healers!

[smokey nj]

61. This made me cry.

Give my love to your son and Nemo.

[JNelson6563]

14. Wow.

How incredibly beautiful.

*tears*

Julie

[Pakid]

15. What a beautiful letter

As a dog lover my heart goes out to her. I have lost far to many best friends over the years. Dogs are great I can't imagine life without one!

[liberalmuse]

16. Glad to see this posted here.

I read this last night and cried. Just beautiful!

[dawnie51]

17. Dear Fiona..

I lost my beloved boxer, Bosco, this past spring at 10 1/2. He was the most beautiful boy, and even having gone through this before, it was heartbreaking and I still, seven months later, cry over him nearly every day. But I was there with him, held him, loved him from this world into the next, and there is no price you can put on that. You are doing the right thing, both for Janet, and for you. You will never regret the pain, and in years to come, you will know without a doubt that you were loved and you loved in return. I hope when the time arrives that you find the peace and strength you need.

[heaven05]

18. they

are the best. unconditional in their love. She had a nice long life of love and happiness. My 14year old american fox hound just died last month. I sympathize.

[TahitiNut]

19. When I heard she was doing this, I sent up a cheer and prayers in her direction.

Reading this, Fiona has become a true hero in my book. I am now a diehard fan even if I never listen to her (other) music. Fiona has her priorities straight, in my eyes. May the gods bless Janet ... as they obviously have blessed Fiona who so richly deserves it.

I know what it means to feel "terrified and alone" and I know what a four-legged angel has meant in my own life.

Fiona ... may you thrive in the knowledge you've earned.

Namaste.

[Are_grits_groceries]

34. That wasn't just a letter.

That was pure magnificent poetry.

[TahitiNut]

44. It was ... and truly heartfelt.

She's clearly a talented songwriter as well as contralto and pianist. There's a LOT to admire in her.

[aquart]

56. Yes.

I've never heard her music but I will now.

[driver8]

20. Wow...my eyes are filled with tears.

Our dogs are members of our family, and I feel the same way that Fiona does.

Her letter left me speechless.

[maddiemom]

21. A wonderful tribute!

I've had friends over the years, very good people otherwise, who have never had animal companions and are not only clueless, but averse to animals being around due to the "trouble" they take and "cleanliness" issues. I never try to explain how badly it is their loss, but have known a few who discovered this when alone later in life. I'm afraid that I'm becoming an old "cat lady," retired and living in an apartment. Over the years, however, I've had many dogs and horses as well. I would never try to explain the enrichment they've given me to those who've never had the experience.

[Blue Owl]

22. Parting is such sweet sorrow -- but what would be even more sad...

...is if Fiona Apple hadn't rescued this dog in the first place. Good on her for giving this rescue pup a loving home after such a hideous life prior to that. It's all worth it in the end.

[nadinbrzezinski]

23. That is so true

[jsmirman]

24. I saw this earlier on FB

and yes, it chokes me up every time.

A wonderful letter.

[Martin Eden]

26. Our yellow lab Hunny turns 16 in 10 days ...

... and even though she's in remarkably good health for her incredibly advanced age, I know her days are numbered.

Thank you for posting that beautiful letter from Fiona; I think it will help me cope when that day comes.

[TahitiNut]

45. Labs are the top of the species in terms of being companions.

Goldens are a close second ... but ALL dogs are terrific. I lost my Black Lab, Bojangles, in 1989 and miss him dearly. He was 12. He was the best friend I ever had ... or could hope to have. I wouldn't want to have a life untouched by a dog. Bo gave me an image of myself I want to live up to ... and even more, in uncountable ways.

[sabrina 1]

27. How beautiful!

[tj_crackersnatch]

28. love...

...and dedication ♡

Beautiful story.

[Puglover]

29. I just said good bye to my Thomas around a week ago.

We took him to the U and he had a cancerous blockage of his lower intestine. He was too weak for surgery and although I selfishly wanted to try it simply would not have fair to him. They inserted a catheter for the euthanasia so I was able to hold him while she gave him the sedative. And as she was injecting it he put his paw up on my cheek. It was seriously one of the sweetest most painful moments of my life. He was only seven.

Yeah this made me cry. Thanks very much for posting it.

[Nonhlanhla]

32. I'm so sorry

Thomas was just gorgeous! I'm very sorry for your loss.

We said goodbye to my beloved favorite cat 7 years ago when she was only 10 due to a large non-cancerous tumor on her liver (we had it removed, but she developed septisemia because apparently the removal of the tumor damaged her intestine), and then a few months ago we had to say goodbye to her sibling at the age of 17 years and 5 months (kidney failure). We brought our cats with us from South Africa, so they were with us on a long journey, and saying goodbye was hard. We do have another kitty that we got 7 years ago, and she is gorgeous and a bit wild. They're so wonderful.

[Puglover]

39. Thanks very much.

Welcome to DU!

[truebrit71]

30. Wow. No words.

[magical thyme]

31. Dear Fiona, I never heard of you before now

yet already you can count me among your fans. You have your priorities straight.

Last February 9, 2012, I said goodbye to the horse I rescued over 22 years earlier. He had suffered "show abuse," weaned too young and carted off to shows, his tail gingered or possibly cattle prodded to make him carry it higher. Followed by 2 or so years of neglect, not always fed or watered, locked in a dark, dank, windowless steel stall in a windowless steel barn. I promised him a home for life. I was finally able to bring him home in 2003, when I bought a house with some pasture and built a bright, sunny and open barn with my own hands. I'll never forget his joy, able to come and go as he pleased, and greeting my every visit at the gate.

I promise you that Janet's last day with you will be a sacred day for you both. I can write this with assurance because that's how it was for Algiers and me.

Thank you for giving Janet such a wonderful life.

[Nonhlanhla]

33. I agree

I have never heard her music before, but now I'm going to have to listen.

So sorry for the loss of your horse.

[cui bono]

57. Get her first album. It really is excellent. n/t

[aquart]

58. I took in a red kitten because he was insane and no one else would have him.

David was born in what we call a kitty concentration camp, one of those horrible houses you see on TV with Animal Control in hazmat suits carrying out carrier after carrier of traumatized, ill, or dying animals. One of those places where an earnest rescuer has slipped into dangerous obsession.

For the first ten years of his life he was barking mad, and then he gradually, slowly, one stunning breakthrough at a time, became a cat. He died of kidney failure at 14. For the last year of his life he required subcutaneous hydration. I would hold up the bag and the syringe and he would jump into my lap so I could stick the needle under his skin.

When I found him sleeping in his litter box because he had lost all control, I told him we would be going to the vet and I didn't think he would be coming back because he was suffering more than he could endure. Then I spread a tarp over my bed and put a shower cap on my head, and David left the litter box after three days to spend his last night curled around my head. I will never forget the fevered determination as he walked down the hall from the bathroom to my bed. After he died in my hands, he weighed nothing. I don't know how he'd had the strength to walk.

[Nonhlanhla]

60. That is so sad

Last edited Thu Nov 22, 2012, 04:26 PM - Edit history (1)

I am so glad that you were able to give David a good old age after so much suffering. We lost our 17 year old ginger cat. Mr Freckles, from kidney failure a few months ago. He's had kidney issues for a long time, but we took care of him, giving him the right food, giving him saline solution through a drip (subcutaneous hydration), all in order to arrest the development of the kidney failure. He had a good life until the beginning of this year when the kidney failure really set in and he started to lose weight. I was ready to take him to the vet by April because it became clear to me that he was starting to lose quality of life, but DH was not ready until May when Mr Freckles started to be incontinent. I always called Mr. Freckles the "Other Person" in our marriage, because he and DH were so close.

[demhottie]

35. I can't finish reading it- it's making me cry nt

[redqueen]

36. Aw ...

*sniff*

She's so weird, beautifully so.

[Scootaloo]

37. A beautiful animal lucky to be kept by a beautiful person

[woo me with science]

38. K&R

[panAmerican]

40. Sad and beautiful; I have a dying pet, too

I'm a Fiona fan from way back! It's good to know that there are people like her in the world. This is the first time I've heard of someone who's so successful in their career, but not putting that ahead of their pet. Wow.

Our 3rd cat has an aggressive fibrosarcoma, and I am extremely grateful that I can work from home and look after him. Even the few times I go to my office make me feel guilty, but I manage to keep my tears away until I'm home. I'm glad she's honoring her furry baby and spending the last days with her.

[chalky]

43. Holy cow. That one really got to me.

I've been where she's at now, and as heartbreaking as it was, I am so glad I was with my cat in the end. Good on you, Fiona.

[a la izquierda]

46. Godspeed to Janet and strength to Fiona

I know too well what she is experiencing.

[Fantastic Anarchist]

47. Wow ...

...

[shenmue]

48. Lovely

Very kind and decent of her.

[dorksied]

49. One of my greatest regrets was how my own dog died, alone and uncared for after I moved out and left

him with my folks because I couldn't have a dog at my apartment... my folks didn't give him enough attention and he died alone. Bless Fiona for this....

[arthritisR_US]

53. Your pain breaks my heart. I hope your regret

can be replaced with forgiveness. Please be gentle with yourself

[SariesNightly]

50. heartbreaking

This is heartbreaking, I couldn't finish reading this in one go because I have pets dearest to my heart who I've seen breathe their last while holding on and fighting, it's still too painful to confront.

Janet is so lucky to be Fiona's child!

[arthritisR_US]

52. Honouring love; deep, abiding and beautiful

My heart goes out to Fiona and I know my Seri will be there to greet Janet when she crosses the rainbow.

[Hulk]

54. A conected human being....a cherished individual these days.

Good for her. This is why I don't want a pet. Their life is too short, and I'm not good with the end -of-life experience. I have my 99 year old mother I'm preparing for, and I've had two dogs, one as a child, and one as a parent. It's just a difficulty I don't need to add to the rest of my life.

Bless you for your humanity. Continue to nurture that love and empathy for all, man and beast alike.

[OnyxCollie]

55. I lost my dog, Tony, to Addison's Disease.

It had been misdiagnosed and he suffered for a long time.

[Lucky Luciano]

59. I totally get that. We just lost our beautiful pit bull as well.

Very similar to Fiona's dog it sounds like! I loved her so much! For us, it was a total shock. She seemed perfectly fine as. 5.5 year old dog one weekend when we went to the beach. By Thursday, she was dead from encephalitis. Awful. We miss her a ton!