Vape Pens & Poop Maps & Pie, Oh My! (Ferret)
Probably the most disappointing thing about the Trump era is the way it proves we’ll never figure out time travel. Think about it, you wouldn’t’ve been able to step outside for a gas station hot dog in 2016 without encountering a dozen wild-eyed dudes in Pod Save America t-shirts raving “TELL HILLARY TO SHORE UP THE BLUE WALL!”
(Can’t imagine it makes much sense without th’links: https://showercapblog.com/vape-pens-poop-maps-pie-oh-my/)
Well, over the objections of House Republican leadership, His Royal Highness Count George Santos VIII was finally forcibly ushered into the reality television show contestant phase of his life, ahead of what’s expected to be a lucrative cigarette smuggling period in federal prison.
112 Republicans voted to keep Georgie (and his vote) around, worried that establishing a precedent whereby excessive criminality disqualifies one from public office would reduce their party to Mitt Romney’s car elevator steward and perhaps a Sununu or two.
It’s a reasonable concern, given that Students for Trump founder Ryan Fournier got arrested for pistol-whipping his girlfriend, and two county-level Arizona Republican officials were charged with election interference felonies, and they’re still finding more Capitol rioters to arrest, and oh yeah, don’t forget Florida GOP Chair Christian Ziegler, I think he deserves a whole new paragraph, don’t you?
Christian, you see, finds himself under investigation. For sexual battery. Of a woman who “had been involved in a longstanding consensual three-way sexual relationship” with Ziegler and his wife, Bridget. Why yes, the very same Bridget Ziegler who co-founded the anti-LGBTQ hate group Moms for Liberty, funny you should mention it. But surely it was some other Bridget Ziegler, one who wasn’t having sex with a woman, who campaigned so vigorously for Florida’s odious “Don’t Say Gay” legislation…surely.
Anyway, I don’t anticipate anyone hanging a “no crooks allowed” sign on the Republican treehouse anytime soon. Which is good news for anybody who’s been, say, found liable for fraud and sexual assault, but still wants a major political party’s presidential nomination.
Indeed, ranting like Hitler and terrorizing judges’ wives only further endears Off-Brand Orbán to his increasingly deranged followers. They went wild when he reminded them of his intention to repeal the ACA, because ultimately, health care only delays the faithful’s ascent to that great Trump Hotel in the sky, where every man is assigned 72 piss hookers and a golden toilet of his very own.
Outside of provoking the odd death threat, Donnie Dotard’s life remains largely a parade of legal setbacks: gag orders, collapsing defenses, stuff like that. So I understand the need to celebrate every W, however meager, I truly do…but I guess what I’m asking is, how many victory laps can one man take for passing a cognitive test? Even if it is, objectively, one of the top ten achievements of his life, only slightly behind attaining the American presidency, but significantly ahead of fathering Eric?
Well, Nikki Haley still isn’t gonna be the Republican nominee, but at least she’s setting a bunch of Koch network money on fire, which is the closest thing to public service she’s ever achieved.
On the other hand, Ronnie DiSappointus may’ve finally righted the ship with…OPERATION: POOP MAP. In these tumultuous times, the American public wants that 3 AM phone call taken by a dude who carries a poop map with him at all times, just in case it turns out t’be somebody calling the White House to ask “say, where can I get some poop?”
Not even Rich Lowry is surprised anymore that this goon can’t navigate a masturbatory, 90-minute vanity debate on Fox without beclowning himself. Even with Hannity lobbing softball after softball, ignoring the taxpayer-funded, six-figure, do-nothing contracts for cronies, and the corpses piling up in the hallway outside the Governor’s office, Ron-Ron’s bat somehow unerringly found his own groin with every swing.
‘Twould appear Tommy Tuberville’s one-doofus war on military readiness is drawing to its close, almost certainly because Joni Ernst keeps DMing him hog castration videos. Coach Pencildick claims he’ll focus going forward on screening out just the “woke” officers, to be determined by conducting home and office raids in search of books of poetry.
Speaking of senatorial dumbasses, Mike Lee apparently believes the FBI issues badges in vape pen form nowadays, so dastardly deep state false flaggers can enjoy a lil’ mango-flavored nicotine infusion whilst entrapping Proud Boys, I guess.
James Comer recognized Hunter Biden’s offer to testify publicly before his committee as a trap, telling Newsmax, “the Biden crime family knows I am completely incapable of getting through a hearing without gaveling my own ballsack flat, and anyway, I’d much rather redact all the parts where Dan Goldman humiliates me.”
Sorry, haters, Elon Musk is thoroughly enjoying his doltpilled descent into anti-Semitism, and no amount of lost advertising revenue can “blackmail” him back to reality or decency. I see he finally found his way to pizzagate, so expect him to buy Comet Ping Pong in order to dig out that stubbornly nonexistent basement and stage a mad, manic SEE?!?!? media event with Greenwald and Taibbi.
Fox Nooz got all excited because they thought they had a Thanksgiving terrorist bombing to blame on Joe Biden, but Kurt Villani went and ruined it by turning out to be a regular guy having a dumb ol’ car accident. Still, they were ultimately able to give thanks, for an audience that will go right on blindly trusting them, even after they got caught in yet another reckless lie.
My own Thanksgiving was lovely, incidentally, filled with traditional liberal America-despising rituals: we crucified a gas stove, and then we hated a pie for a couple hours.
I guess Liz Cheney wrote a whole book about the fascism-enabling cravenness of her former Republican colleagues. A fertile field, certainly. Seems Kevin McCarthy sold American democracy out because the guy who tried to end it forever…wasn’t eating. Aw. Poor tyrant. Had to leave office just because the people voted him out. Breaks your heart, doesn’t it?
Quivering with carnal rage, Jesse Watters denounced Joe Biden’s lewd, lascivious, straw-sucking milkshake consumption. “The way a man’s lips purse, the way your fingers clasp on it,” Watters trembled, “WHY DOES IT MAKE ME FEEL SUCH PLEASURE AND SUCH PAIN?!?” In six weeks or so, when they discover Jesse in front of the scrotum-tanning machine, dead from autoerotic asphyxiation, with paper drinking straws clamped to his nipples, don’t say I didn’t warn ya.
By the way, I’m in the market for a medium, to put me in contact with the spirits of John Frankenheimer and Luis Buñuel, ideally at the same time, because the world deserves a film based on the “In the world of sexual fetishes, crossing the political aisle is a kink” article in WaPo this week.
Oh, and Georgia GOP district chair Kandiss Taylor still thinks globes are a conspiracy to trick you into thinking the world is round, if you were wondering. Even if you weren’t.
Sigh…gotta admit, I already miss George Santos. I hope the promised revenge tour materializes.
If not, I suppose I shall have to console myself with beer. As ever, you can support this blog by donating to the beer fund, (now accepting PayPal and Venmo!) by joining the email list at showercapblog.com, or by following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter. One way or another, please stay safe out there amidst the shitstorm, friend.
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Well, Nikki Haley still isn’t gonna be the Republican nominee, but at least she’s setting a bunch of Koch network money on fire, which is the closest thing to public service she’s ever achieved.
I am DYING!
