UPDATE: Today, I will be turning off life support for my father... (He passed away quietly...)
Last edited Wed May 31, 2023, 05:03 AM - Edit history (10)
He's 78. Living in Arizona, west of Phoenix. I'm here in the U.K. for the past 18 years.
My mom passed away last July she was 82 - died in the ambulance following a long period of immobility and declining health. very sad, but that's another story.
My dad was hanging on, had multiple health issues. Terrible heart health - but was managing.
Unfortunately, he was under the care of my brother who is not the brightest bean in the jar.
Monday he decides to take my dad out for a "big lunch" - consisting of pot roast, mashed potatoes, gravy, coffee, and a slice of pie.
An hour later dad collapses in a gas station parking lot. Hot tarmac at noon in Arizona.
The back of his arms burning to the second degree. My brother (untrained in anything medical) attempting to do what he thinks is CPR.
The cops show up 15 min later and tell him he's doing it wrong. They take over...
The EMS team shows up and take control 15 minutes after that.. They restart his heart...
Dad is transported to the ICU. Multiple heart failures on the way.
He arrives at the hospital and my brother sends me a text (a text mind you not a phone call - WFT?) to inform me about the situation.
Now... Here I am living in the U.K. trying to manage the situation remotely with the 8hour timezone difference.
Tuesday and Wednesday are focused on life support and getting the appropriate tests done to determine the amount of damage.
Meanwhile, my brother is complaining that he can't afford to keep dad alive so he has "to pull the plug". In the meeting with the palliative care physician he starts complaining about his personal finances - WFT?
Today, this morning here in the U.K. (about 2am in AZ) I get all the tests back (MRI, CT, blood, EEG, etc.) now finally having all the info needed make a logical and empathetic decision.
It's a sad situation, but a necessary one. And one I can't be there in person to attend.
Thanks for listening... It's a small thing for the world, but I frighteningly big thing for me. Life will go on, but still... it's tough.
UPDATE: 9:30am AZ time is the planned time. My brother says he overslept and wasn't thinking he had to go - except that I told him to hear there at the hospital. Looks like my dad my die alone. At least I'll be there in spirit over the phone. I can't tell you all how angry I am at the situation.
AND THANK YOU TO ALL SO FAR. its funny (in a good way) how this little community is more family than my own family - I deeply appreciate that. I want to respond to each of you individually, but I just can't do that at the moment.
UPDATE 2: Its turning into a piss-up at the brewery. My brother has decided to call in all the opinions of extended family members (not immediate only as the law and hospital policy require!) and so now we are waiting... meanwhile my dad remains in situ. we are 2 hours behind the schedule. I was on the phone, and there my brother was cracking jokes with the med team. I could just scream. Told them to advise me when they were going to be finally ready. Still waiting... If my dad were knowledgable of this he would be spitting nails! I've resigned myself that I can no longer control the procedure in a way that provides any level of dignity. So, I quietly made my peace with the situation, hung up the phone with the Dr. agreeing to call me once they get the process going.
UPDATE 3: (Friday Morning 8am GMT) it was nearly midnight in the UK when they FINALLY started the procedure. FOUR hours of waiting for people to bring paperwork to sign, etc. There was no indication from the palliative care doctor that this was part of the process. Such ridiculous process management. Once you make the decision to terminate life support, they revert to an impersonal administrative procedure. Very little human thought or emotional empathy from the hospital. I have woken up here in the U.K. at 7am and checked for an update... It appears that my dad is still hanging on. Supposedly, he is not suffering, but it's hard to tell with so little information coming from the Med Team. Not to mention my brother's antics. This might go on for days. THANK YOU TO EVERYONE HERE! It's cathartic to be able to voice my inner frustrations and know there so many of you out there with kindness in your hearts. I hope to over time reply to each and every one's kind messages...
FINAL UPDATE: Sorry it's been a few days but it's been a bit of a rollercoaster... My father died peacefully under hospice care on Friday at 12:45am local Arizona time. As you can imagine I've been focused on cleanup of the domestic situation, financials, will, etc. It's a mess - similar to my parent's and brother's living conditions. It's a long story. My apologies in advance, I intended to respond to every message from all of you but it will take me some time. I've made my peace with the situation and circumstances, now it's just dealing with the fallout of parents who failed to plan appropriately for their death, and a parasitic brother who is only concerned with property and money. I guess we've all had a bit of that in our lives... Thank you ALL for your kind words. My words are not enough to convey my thanks.
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It's your last duty for your Dad. 
I'm very sorry that you are going though this, especially so far away. Take care of yourself. 
..with your father. Take care of yourself y paz. 
Don’t fret, you will feel him around now more strongly than ever. My dad has never left, teases me, pokes me to remember stuff, always there with a memory.
You are doing the best you can for him under horrible circumstances. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'd never wish that on my worst enemy, it's just gutwrenching. Or at least it was for me. There does come a time when a decision has to be made and I'm glad you now have the necessary information. Doing it in person is devastating, especially if there's even a glimmer of hope. It's so tough to lose that last bit of hope and deal with the ultimate loss. My thoughts are with you today and I hope you can get through this as gently as possible.
and his long, well lived life. 💗💕💗
I’m very sorry.
so sad to hear this; I wish you strength and peace at this hour. ❤️
Knowing it's necessary and the correct decision doesn't make it any easier. Please remember to take care of yourself...at times like these, it's easy to forget to do the things you need to do for yourself. The DU family is here for you whenever you need us.
Hugs for you and your brother. May your pass peacefully. Take care of yourself and know you have done the right thing, as hard as that is. Peace!
at such a sad and difficult time. Please know that you did all you could, and may you be surrounded by your best memories of your parents and the love that all of you shared. They will live on in your heart and in the good deeds you do in the world.
❤️
Or his insurance doesn't cover longterm life support measures? In which case, yes, hospital could want to be reimbursed from the estate.
I hope and assume your dad had his last wishes "ducks in a row"; many elderly and even those younger, are in complete denial of the necessaries of progressive and sudden terminal illnesses striking without much warning. You've done a remarkablable service from so far away under the most trying conditions. Likely there may be a few more tough thoughts and hard decisions in the coming days. Here's hoping there's much comfort and peace for all: you, family, and friends at this extremely difficult period of time and as you and those that knew him best move through the stages of grief and loss. My condolences and sympathies.Thank you for sharing the hard facts and the vulnerability a sudden family death often brings with it. We are here for you at any time of the day or night.
his father actually die. It seems (bright or not) very likely he is feeling some guilt, remorse, and probably fear. Focusing on money may have been his way of not dealing with the harder business of facing his real emotions. "Oversleeping" is easier than watching your father die. "Oversleeping" is easier than dealing with unbearable emotions surrounding his inability to save your dad.
The death of a parent leaves family members with distorted emotions, usually dialed up to 11.
Be good to yourself, first. Be the best version of yourself that you can be right now, when you can -and give yourself grace when you can't.
Comprehensive, affordable health care for all is needed in our country. We would have fewer health insurers with all the rules and restrictions they impose. No one should go broke seeking care.
I hope you and your brother will be able to come together enough to set anger aside. It serves no point and your memories of your Dad need to be reviewed without it in order to comfort you.
May each step become lighter and good memories abound.
It's a blessing for your father that you can face the reality of death and help him suffer less.
Please take good care of yourself in your own suffering and grief.
Your DU community is with you.
Be gentle with yourself.
Sending you my best DU vibes
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Terrible situation and traumatic -- in addition to the sadness from losing your father, I hope you will be able to take some time for yourself to process and allow the anger to work its way out of your system.
I'm so sorry, can't imagine how frustrating and hard this has all been.
I went through this with both my parents and my dear mother-in-law. There are times of so many mixed feelings. There are the moments when you don’t know what to pray for: a miracle recovery or safe passage. Part of you wants them around forever but other parts of you want them released from the pain and suffering that sometimes seem to drag on so cruelly.
Just know you have many friends here. You won’t have to carry this burden alone.