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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsYeah, Exactly Like Jesus (Ferret)
I write tonights post from the roof of my apartment building, awaiting FEMA rescue, in the aftermath of the deluge of think pieces n hot takes about the strength of Alvin Braggs case. Feeling good about my decision to gouge my eyes out to spare myself further punditry. Please send beer.
(Makes more sense with links: https://showercapblog.com/yeah-exactly-like-jesus/)
Yes, America spent a day and a half watching that goony little doofus fly from Florida to New York to get arrested, and then we yelled at the television for showing it to us, for we are a nation of assholes, and Donald Trump was sent to plague us, by some sort of cosmic Greek tragedian.
He didnt get the long, slow, martyr march he wanted, (Melania wouldnt let him use any of the good tiaras anyway) just courtroom sketches and a couple photos where he looks scared. You can buy a shirt with a fake mugshot on it, though. Thats a shirt you can buy, so everyone around you will know what a dipshit you are. Its like a MAGA hat, but a shirt.
Republicans, from the highest halls of power to the Appalachianest diners of Real America, rallied obsequiously to their precious, fading game show host, because they dont know how to do anything else anymore. Well, stay on the sinking ship, fellas. Lifeboats are for cucks.
Lindsey Graham is organizing a bake sale for next Sunday, or maybe an insurrection, I couldnt make it out through the blubbering. Jim Jordan wants to know if its possible to defund the rule of law all at once, or if itd be easier to go agency by agency? And of course, George Santos was there.
Anyway, the Dotard is basically Jesus, and/or Nelson Mandela, like Marjorie Taylor Greene says. I feel like Nelson Mandelas social media posts wouldnt be quite so racist. Im not saying Jesus would be, mind you. I bet both of them would immediately grasp that a cognitive test doesnt measure intelligence, though.
You dont get any more Christlike than MAGA, thats for sure. For He did circulate amongst His followers the likeness of the daughter of the judge in His porn star hush money case, that they might menace her with hammers and bear spray and perhaps the odd nail gun.
No riot this time, which is great for all sorts of reasons. The more headlines like Lone MAGA supporter awaits Trump in New York, fears antifa the better. (I had to work that one in because its perfect and I love it. Say it out loud. Honor the comma. Really linger.)
Marj was on 60 Minutes, by the way, which I guess means shes normalized now. I dunno, Im not sure how normal you can make someone who rants about Jewish space lasers, but its something else to be mad about, if youre hard up for shit to be mad about.
Word on the street is, Kevin McCarthy cant corral his feral caucus ahead of the approaching debt ceiling collision, but thats unpossible, Kevin am the leaderest leader who ever led!
In Tennessee, the Republican supermajority, which has been on a proto-fascist bender for some time now, expelled a pair of young, Black, Democratic state representatives, for Unconscionable Uppityness in Defense of Childrens Lives, which is not allowed in Tennessee.
Tennessee Republicans appear tove bitten off a bit more than they can chew here, so I imagine well be hearing more in days to come. Get ready to be the bad guys in the next wave of books Florida bans, boys!
In addition to getting indicted on 34 felony charges, Donald Trump tried and failed to hire Laura Loomer this week, which is fairly embarrassing. In protest, Loomer handcuffed herself to
something, probably.
(Always makes more sense with thlinks: https://showercapblog.com/yeah-exactly-like-jesus/)
Oh, and apparently, DoJ has evidence he personally rifled through the purloined classified docs to pull out the stuff he really wanted, which, sure, probably means the surveillance photos of Mike Pences heartrendingly abnormal masturbation breaks in the West Wing powder room, but might be nuclear secrets for all anybody knows.
Desperate to revive his fast-fading presidential hopes, and running out of childrens books about civil rights heroes to ban, Ron DeSantis has apparently decided to lose a few more rounds to Disney. That oughta do the trick. Another excellent plan from the party of excellent plans.
That six week abortion ban hes cooking upll play real well, too, because Wisconsin doesnt exist, I guess, though if it did exist, there certainly wasnt an election there this week.
Id like to thank Daniel Kelly for losing so badly, by which I mean both the 11-point margin and the thumb-suckingly petulant concession speech. Youre a credit to your party, Dan.
Eleven points, in what may be the tightest swing state in the country. Hey, if these creeps need a few more election cycles to learn this lesson, thats probably best for everyone involved. Kansas doesnt exist either, Ron. Youre doin great, kid.
Tommy Tuberville, who can barely fucking read, is single-handedly holding up more than 180 nominations at the Department of Defense, because he feels the women serving our country in uniform have too many rights.
Republicansre all over that women-having-rights thing. Youd never believe this was the same party that had no policy platform whatsoever last presidential election; these days theyre positively overflowing with ideas for new abortion restrictions. Theyre really quite creative and industrious when they want to be.
So, Bud Light partnered with a transgender influencer, and a bunch of losers threw that fit they throw when theyre confronted with a world that refuses to pander to their personal prejudices. Yeah, the one where they destroy their own property, and post videos online. I dont get it either. Take THAT, thing I paid for! Im told its some sort of lib-owning ritual in their culture. Their stupid, stupid culture.
Anyway, theyre gonna boycott. Which wont work. Because theyre losers. With no money. Thats how this goes, every single time. Starbucks and Nike and the coolers one and wasnt it Hersheys just a couple weeks ago? This does jeopardize Anheuser-Buschs planned expansion into the lucrative horse paste market, however.
I see Clarence Thomas spent decades illegally concealing the lavish vacations showered upon him by GOP megadonor Harlan Crow. Golly. Corruption at the highest levels of Republican politics? Gosh. What is the world coming to? Gosh golly gee.
Asa Hutchinson picked indictment week to launch his presidential campaign, so obviously hes got a firm grasp of the obstacles ahead. They wont even learn your name until he threatens your family on Truth Social, Asa.
A cackling Steve Bannon unleashed his chaos agent, anti-vax halfwit RFK Jr., upon the Democratic presidential primary, and I for one demand no fewer than nine debates with Marianne Williamson. Debate Number Six: What Do Cats Think About?
Ron Johnson told Maria Bartiromo that he ran for reelection to advocate for vaccine injuries, clearly angling for the chairmanship of the Senate Subcommittee on Problems That Do Not Fucking Exist the next time these loons seize power. Ronll keep those damn hobbits out of your snozzberry bushes, too.
If youre looking for something to cheer you up in the midst of all the madness, you could do worse than Mehdi Hasan ripping Matt Taibbis soul out through his butthole. Id say treat yourself, but of course Tucker Carlson ruined treat yourself.
They tried to ruin beer this week, too, but they failed, for they are shitty, and beer is pure and good. You stay safe out there, my friends, until we meet again next week.

emulatorloo
(45,728 posts)I could barely see enough to read the rest.
One of your very best. Sending it to all my friends.
DemocraticPatriot
(5,410 posts)would be aimed at GOP Tennessee Republican legislators---
rumor is that "his aim was true"---
and according to GQP ideology,
if Davy chose to assassinate present-day Republican fascists, (thanks to 'gun liberties'),
he would be morally right and protecting the liberties of the people--
which they are attempting to take away...
I think Davy would be on OUR side,
and I would tape his picture upon my walls, now
flying rabbit
(4,808 posts)LetMyPeopleVote
(158,095 posts)Thank you for posting this. I really enjoyed reading it. Made me laugh which doesnt happen as much lately.
Jan