Report: Republican Governors In MAGA solidarity, Will Mint Their Own Currency

Report: Republican Governors In MAGA solidarity, Will Mint Their Own Currency

March 12, 2023
Bake D. Potato

Tallahassee, Florida (BNN) “It’s high time red-blooded Americans get MAGA friendly currency back in their pockets,” said Florida Governor Wrong DeSantis at a Smooch Trump’s Ample Rump (STAR) rally in Pennsylvania, adding, “Anybody who wants to do business in God-Fearin’ states can soon do so using what we Republican Governors call ‘Complicit States of America (CSA) cash’.” Instead of Dollars and Cents, the new “Red-State Swag” tradin’ tokens will be offered in currency units of “Rubes” and “Oafs.”

At the time of this announcement, the new denominations planned are:

1. A 1.6 Oaf coin, made of recycled shards from broken eBay-purchased Kevlar helmets, with an embossed likeness of Elmer Rhodes III, Supreme Leader of the Oafs, and commemorates January 6, 2020.
2. A Lil’ Rube bill, made of “Gadsen” yellow silk and emblazoned with an engraved likeness of “Coily, the Freedom Sneck,” worth 100 Oafs and commemorates January 6, 2020.
3. A Rube-A-Largo, this bill, worth 10 Lil’ Rubes is made of white golf-shirt polyester, emblazoned with a handsome engraving of Lord Trump proudly pointing at a golf ball in a cup. Again, this grand specimen commemorates January 6, 2020.
4. A MAGA-Rube, worth 10 “Rube-A-Largos,” will be a bright red bill crafted from paper-thin suede “Pleather” and proudly hot-stamped MAGA RUBE. A highly desirable note.
5. A Rube-Uh?-Con ‘reloadable’ note honoring all Republicans, everywhere. This beautiful Rube will be lovingly made of “MAGA-church” quality gold-tone faux satin and can be reloaded at www.ustupidfucksbeenconned.con.
6. Rounding out this first run of CSA currency will be the largest denomination of a BS currency ever offered. This “mail-away special” and very charming and holy bill will be known simply as “The John Baron,”…. made of approximately 4-6 hard pull downs of a Trump property commode single-ply toilet paper, and worth absolutely nothing.

Note: Point of contact regarding this press release is Wank Wrinkleskins, Stop 3, Bus 12, Podunk, ‘Merica. “Fuck you, very, very much,” Wank Wrinkleskins replied, wryly, as he farted in DJT’s general direction. ❤️🤗