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Fri Jan 20, 2023, 10:02 PM

Harry Potter and the Oversight Committee of Madness (Ferret)

Zounds. Possibly the dumbest week yet, and I don’t say that lightly. From “Idaho Republican sorry for comparing women's health to milking cows” to “I want you to make me a shoe I can fuck,” this week’s news was determined to bludgeon our battered brains into paste, but mine scabbed over years ago.

(Always makes more sense with th’links: https://showercapblog.com/harry-potter-and-the-oversight-committee-of-madness/)

So I guess we’re jumping right into the manufactured debt ceiling crisis. Welp, it’s leaderin’ time, Speaker McCarthy, let’s see what you got. Looks like we’re gonna do the thing where Chip Roy and his idiot buddies get an eight ball and play chicken with the global economy until Kevin takes the keys away, that’ll be fun to live through.

Especially since Kev has to run everything by Marj first. Yes, riding a wave of momentum after holding fifteen times as many speakership votes as that bum Pelosi ever allowed, the House’s mad new masters passed out committee assignments this week, and my god, they’re actually going to try to govern the country with these yahoos.

The makeup of the Republican side of the House Oversight Committee is…howling lunacy. A roster drawn straight from a roadside freak show in some 50’s exploitation flick, or maybe even the Troma remake. Gosar. Boebert. Taylor Greene. Perry. What the fuck are you thinking, Kevin?

Folks, Paul Gosar is a scary dude. A scary dude in clown shoes, yes, but an unapologetic white nationalist who lost his committee assignments in the first place for inciting political violence. Why do you want an unapologetic white nationalist who lost his committee assignments for inciting political violence conducting oversight of the federal government? Why is that desirable, for either the nation or your party?

He’s also completely nuts, and creepy as hell to boot. Like, just from a casting perspective, I’m not sure why you want the “doctor brought in to torture James Bond” type represented on your team during your little Hunter Biden show. Well, when he decides to use the national platform you gave him to rant about the “great replacement,” don’t come crying to me.

Plus, you want MTG and Boebert dueling for attention in front of live cameras, as they frolic through this blossoming, TMZ-for-fashy-dweebs feud? They’re already fighting in the bathroom, you hapless goon, how do you imagine this is going to work out for you? If any of this shit actually worked, you’d be coordinating legislation with the offices of Senators Walker, Masters, and Bolduc right now, but you’re not, ARE YOU?

Marjorie will also be bringing her rich expertise on the threat posed by Jewish space lasers to the Homeland Security Committee, where she plans on acting as an instrument of God’s “vengeance,” and everything’s so healthy and normal, I don’t know why I even bother blogging anymore.

Anyway, with the more garish ghouls drawing the spotlight, it was barely noted that Scott Perry was also named to Oversight, and he’s the dangerous one, folks. The FBI wouldn’t seize the cellphone of a sitting U.S. Congressman without serious reason to believe that phone contained evidence of substantial fuckery, and anyone who tells you different is probably trying to sell you horse dewormer.

Boy, this George Santos character jumped the shark in a hurry, huh? I was really into his zany antics at first, but now he feels like a dumping ground for all the writers’ room’s weirdest ideas. Like, he was a drag queen who lied about his mom dying on 9/11 and he stole money from a disabled veteran’s dying dog? You’re just insulting my intelligence at this point.

…but House Republicans need his vote, (for what, they couldn’t tell you) so what’s one more con man excused and enabled, more or less? And sure, fine. All I’m saying is, if you absolutely insist on defending this sorry shitbird, we get to play the video at your funeral.

Anyway, as squirrel poop nutty as things are in Washington, it’s the states that’re the true laboratories of kakistocracy. In North Dakota, some unfathomable numbnuts called “David Clemens” wants to pass a law imposing a $1,500 fine for using a transgender person’s preferred pronouns, because Republicans believe that government is where the angriest idiots go to tell the rest of us what we’re allowed to think.

The high priests of DeSantistan issued their latest edict, proclaiming an AP African American Studies course anathematic, on the grounds that it “significantly lacks educational value.” In Missouri, they’re dreaming of patriotism boot camps for public school teachers, and golly doesn’t that sound like the kind of dream George Orwell might have after an evening of pizza rolls and boxed wine? And then there’s this one:

Ahead of the opening of the Texas state legislature last week, Republican state Sen. Bob Hall introduced a bill to mandate that food containing “human fetal tissue” be “clearly and conspicuously labeled.”

My god, what an insane thing to do. To not just rant from a barstool, but file a whole-ass piece of legislation? Such demented industry. Better than attacking an FBI office with a nail gun, I suppose. Incidentally, I love that it’s about labeling, not banning this aborted fetus trail mix that exists only in Bob Hall’s mind. A+ wingnut shitfit.

In an intellectual joust sure to be remembered alongside the Lincoln-Douglas debates, Chuck Todd and Ron Johnson did strive ‘gainst one another, as twin colossi astride the nation’s discourse, and surely any attempt to transcribe the substance here would fail most pitifully; these men are simply beyond mortals such as we. O how the ground doth tremble when titans clash; ‘tis said Hummel figurines fell from mantel displays as far away as Wilkes-Barre.

Warmest congratulations to every huckster consultant who pulls a paycheck out of the Pennsylvania GOP’s big postmortem project. I’m totally applying for that gig. Anything beyond an envelope containing one photograph of Doug Mastriano and one of Dr. Oz, maybe one of the jackass who endorsed ‘em both, would be counterproductive, and if you need assistance figuring that out, you deserve to be parted from your money.

Fox News seems curiously uninterested in covering this week’s MAGA Republican Candidate is Actual Terrorist story, likely because they haven’t quite figured out how to pin Solomon Peña’s crimes on antifa. Anyway, they’re far too busy driving the next wave of Solomon Peñas insane.

Tucker Carlson has apparently decided to rehabilitate Dick Nixon, as some kind of warrior against th’deep state, while simultaneously hailing the restoration of the freedom to smoke indoors in congressional offices as a second Yorktown, and look, I enjoy the inane grievances of the mediocre as much as the next fellow, but I bet you’d be happier if you changed the channel.

Like, when you find yourself snickering along with Ben Shapiro’s skeevy prison rape fantasies, do you even notice what you’ve done to yourself, or do you just wait for another celebrity to die so you can join the ritual freakout and shriek about vaccines until sleep takes you?

I’m embarrassed even typing this, but Mike Huckabee appears to’ve published a children’s book about renowned human trafficker Ronald Dion DeSantis. Mark it down, folks; in, oh, say 15-20 years, you’ll start noticing this thing in the background every time a tabloid news show gains access to a serial killer’s apartment. Clown wig, jar of human teeth, and The Kids Guide to Ron DeSantis. “Again?” you’ll say to yourself, “what an odd coincidence.”

In the face of financial sanctions over his frivolous lawsuit against Hillary Clinton, wee Donnie One-Term withdrew a similar suit targeting New York Attorney General Letitia James, because I guess somebody’s not generating enough NFT money to fund all his favorite charades anymore. Those million-dollar fines can pile up in a hurry, when you’re the biggest loser in human history in the middle of his “and fall” phase.

Even the evangelicals are scuttling off the ship now, such is the loserstench emanating from the captain’s cabin. Seems like only yesterday they were laying their idolatrous hands on you, and you were jealous, because their fingers were all so normal-sized, anyway, I’m sure we’ll be treated to plenty of mewling about “disloyalty” as the pavement approaches. Good.

Well, gloat if you like, but if you triggered libtards were honest with yourselves, you’d admit you’re just jealous of Donald Trump’s awesome folder collection. Oh, and I will not be composing a joke about the E. Jean Carroll/Marla Maples story, because life is too goddamn short to spend contemplating a stunted pervert’s sexual psychoses.

Actually, I think we’ve all suffered enough for one week. I better stock the beer fridge before the Freedom Caucus gets too frisky…just in case. You stay safe out there, m‘lovelies.

Any progress on that fuckable footwear, by the way? No? Ah, well. Someday…someday.

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Reply Harry Potter and the Oversight Committee of Madness (Ferret) (Original post)
TheFerret Jan 20 OP
LetMyPeopleVote Saturday #1
Biophilic Saturday #2
babydollhead Saturday #3

Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat Jan 21, 2023, 12:36 AM

1. Thank you for your words of wisdom

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat Jan 21, 2023, 06:20 PM

2. Laughed most of the way through it. Thanks, Shower Cap.

Mostly I dread the news these days, but you make it palatable...and some how funny. How do you do that?

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat Jan 21, 2023, 09:21 PM

3. THANK YOU!

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