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Fri May 7, 2021, 10:16 PM

When Liz Cheney Isn't Shitty Enough For Your Cult, You've Made Some Choices (Ze Ferret)

Last edited Sat May 8, 2021, 12:45 AM - Edit history (1)

Ah, the sun is shining, flowers have begun to bloom, and even now that second sweet dose o’ Pfizer rewrites my DNA in accordance with Bill Gates’ grand plan. Were it not for the GOP’s steady, methodical march towards authoritarianism, I might’ve burst into song by now; as it is, I don’t imagine I’ll be swapping out my chroniclin’ pants for tap shoes any time soon.

(U want links n’ color n’ other completely magical shit? Click here: http://showercapblog.com/when-liz-cheney-isnt-shitty-enough-for-your-cult-youve-made-some-choices/)

Well, the Hairplug That Ate Decency is still banned from Facebook, for at least six more months, while Mark Zuckerberg ponders the profitability of platforming a terrorism-inciting, white supremacist madman. Pretty cool that a decision of such magnitude lies in the hands of one unelected sociopath, huh?

At least we still get to watch Wee Donnie One-Term get smacked down with each pathetic new attempt to sneak back onto Twitter. There’s just something about watching a Nazi step on a rake that livens up one’s day, don’t you think?

Most men would walk away from a debacle like the Four Seasons Total Landscaping incident confident their place in loser meltdown history was secure, but for Rudy Giuliani, rock bottom was just another trip around the board without passing Go or collecting $200.

Little more than MAGA Nation’s drooling, batshit uncle now, Rudy is reduced to begging his old boss to pay his mounting legal bills, (good luck with that, Cousin-Fucker) because nobody’s gonna whip up an angry mob to keep Dear Leader’s perpetually self-immolating idiot lawyer out of prison, y’know?

Why, the poor traitor can apparently no longer afford to keep his entourage!

(This space intentionally left blank to allow the reader time to grieve.)

Mitch McConnell sneeringly informed the world that “one hundred percent of my focus is standing up to this administration,” rough news for anyone hoping Yertle’s long-teased trip hop concept album about the life of John Sherman Cooper would drop this year, and also for anyone hoping the Republican Party might be interested in helping the nation recover from their murderous mismanagement of the pandemic.

Now, the Biden agenda Wrinkly Gamera opposes so fervently has mostly been about controlling the coronavirus and reducing unemployment so far, because I guess supporting life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is a partisan position these days. And that seems shocking, until one ruminates for a moment on the absurdity of the very idea of shared, self-evident truths (about equality, no less) in our current political climate. Anyhoo, if anybody out there has an open sofa in a country where half the electorate isn’t in a death cult, drop me a line, wouldja?

Oregon State Rep. Mike Nearman faces multiple criminal charges for granting lunatic anti-mask rioters access to the state Capitol last December, so they could skip merrily through the halls, spreading COVID-19 and bear mace. Going forward, I guess we need to add some specifics to our elected representatives’ oaths of office; maybe a line or two about I Will Not Aid Terrorist Plots to Attack the Building Where I Work?

(I don’t blame the founders for this blind spot; how’s a culture that’s just working through its powdered wig phase supposed to see the I’mma Spread a Lethal Virus to Own the Libs crowd coming?)

By the way, Nearman caught COVID too, because fucking of course he did.

Tennessee Republicans banned teaching “critical race theory” in public schools, because it’s scandalous to even suggest that there’s any institutional racism in this, our pure, pristine, never-even-mildly-imperfect nation; why yes, the selfsame Tennessee Republicans who felt the need to defend the unjustly maligned honor of that famous anti-racism measure...the Three-Fifths Compromise. I feel compelled to remind everyone that I am somehow not, in defiance of all reason and sanity, making any of this shit up.

Republicans provided further evidence of America’s complete lack of institutional racism over in the Centennial State, where Rep. Richard Holtorf very non-racistly spat a slur directly in his Black colleagues’ faces, right on the floor of the Colorado House. Thank heaven Rich didn’t have to learn about critical race theory in school, right?

And of course, wherever they’re able, Republicans continue their efforts to use the powers of state government to prevent minorities from voting...yeah, kids, if you just get rid of that critical theory stuff, nobody’ll notice you’re racist. That’ll work. Good plan.

Ron DeSantis even signed Florida’s shiny new Jim Crow bill into law in a special ceremony staged exclusively for Fux Nooz, because the path to the 2024 Republican presidential nomination runs through performative acts of white supremacist pettiness, apparently.

Since we seem to have unknowingly embarked on a tour of state-level Republican fucknuttery, we may as well swing by the land of my rearing, the great state of Kansas, where the headline, about state Rep. Mark Samsel getting arrested for kneeing a student in the groin, is merely the lid on a Pandora’s Box of helter-skelter nucking futz behavior I wouldn’t dream of spoiling here. If you click on just one Shower Cap link tonight, make it this one.

We should’ve known there was something off with this latest Arizona recount when the auditors requested a bowl of just red M&M’s with the other colors replaced by candied bath salts, but boy howdy, these weirdos have turned out to be unusually buggy even by the modern era’s shall we say “elevated” standard.

They’re looking for bamboo fibers on the ballots because, you see, the idea is that sinister Chinese operatives smuggled tens of thousands of Biden votes into Maricopa County, and just couldn’t stop themselves from rubbing bamboo all over them. One of the maniacs in charge of this episode of Shitty Orwell Theatre is a conspiracy-theory-spewing former state Representative who attended the festivities in D.C. on January 6th. At the risk of calling for intrusive government regulation, perhaps insurrectionists should be legally barred from fucking around with folks’ ballots. Just a thought.   

Because what we have here is American fascism’s loyal bureaucratic footsoldiers meddling, without anything approaching adequate oversight or security, with extremely important documents from a razor-thin swing-state Presidential election, secreting god knows what viscous fluids all over them, in service to the Big Lie that incited violent insurrection just four short months ago.

Yes, the Big Lie is alive and well, and apparently it eats Cheneys. Normally I wouldn’t complain; Liz Cheney is, of course, absolutely fucking awful, and monstrously wrong on any of ten thousand issues, but we happen to see more or less eye-to-eye when it comes to the general undesirability of adopting autocracy in the United States. Eh. I’ve had stranger bedfellows.

Anyway, cancel culture has come for Liz, not over Dr. Seuss or plastic potato genitalia, but her refusal to bend the knee to the Emperor of Hemorrhoids, to accept and spread as gospel his fascistic disinformation. Kevin McCarthy’s caucus is positively overjoyed at this chance to grovel before the golden toilet throne; they’re certainly reveling in every available opportunity to theatrically sharpen their knives ahead of Cheney’s imminent excommunication; one assumes once the ritual formalities have concluded, she’ll be dragged into the cloakroom and devoured raw by her former colleagues.

Y’know, I laughed at that guy who said he was a time traveler, because he told me the Cubs winning the World Series would set off the worst days of my life, and that watching Mitt Romney and the Cheneys get chased out of the Republican Party would fill me with worry and dread, but now I’m just mad I didn’t ask for stock tips.

Anyway, you’ve probably been hearing quite a bit about Cheney’s rapacious replacement-in-waiting, the odious Elise Stefanik, who oozes amoral ambition to a degree seldom encountered outside fable. Much has been made of Stefanik’s effortlessly oily glide from Rational Moderate to Bellowing Zealot, and folks, the ascent of power-crazed climbers utterly lacking any true core beliefs is another big part of How it Happens Here.

Speaking of the craven collaborators giddily selling America to ruin, Lindsey Graham, in joining the Cheney pile-on, admits his lost, broken party can’t move forward without their deposed Maggot King. Now, this may seem like nothing more than a well-trained dog dutifully jumping through his hoop, but Lindsey’s not wrong, and he’s not alone in realizing that four years of atrocity and lethal incompetence with nothing but blind, burning hatred offered in justification radicalized so many millions of Americans into anti-Republican activists that the “Party of Lincoln” has no choice but to burrow ever further up their Dimestore Führer’s ass, because without his demented cult of personality, they have no hope of competing with the massive opposing coalition they themselves built with their own failure and corruption and can you believe I’ve been accused of writing indecipherable run-on sentences?

Growing up, they always told me the path to hell is paved with good intentions. Having spent several recent years getting dragged against my will down said path, I can confidently state the primary building material used is in fact the Shitty Decisions of Cowardly Old White Guys.

Vaccination was going so well that we were starting to get our hopes up, but then of course we ran into the same wall of assholes that always seems to pop up whenever we try to give the public nice things, (like, y’know, the END OF THIS MOTHERFUCKING PANDEMIC) so instead of herd immunity and a return to normalcy, looks like we get Covid Forever and also Cud-Brained Shitweasels Screeching About Masks and Vaccines Forever, yay.

Needless to say, Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour is the nation’s leading source of anti-vax disinformation, because apparently the whole Stochastic Terrorism Propaganda Machine shtick isn’t killing Americans quickly enough for Fish Stix Hitler’s liking.

What else? I see Caitlyn Jenner went on Hannity to reassure Republican voters she despises the homeless just as much as any other wealthy white asshole. Retail politics sure get strange in a hate cult.

Thaaaaaaaat’s about all I can handle for one week, friends. As always, I hope you’re staying safe out there...oh hey, be on the lookout for rogue plummeting rockets, I guess, as if there wasn’t enough on your plate already. 

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Arrow 14 replies Author Time Post
Reply When Liz Cheney Isn't Shitty Enough For Your Cult, You've Made Some Choices (Ze Ferret) (Original post)
TheFerret May 7 OP
tblue37 May 7 #1
The Magistrate May 7 #2
Coventina May 7 #3
SheltieLover May 7 #4
USALiberal May 7 #5
oasis May 7 #6
flying rabbit May 7 #7
Jon King May 8 #8
LetMyPeopleVote May 8 #9
MustLoveBeagles May 8 #10
ZZenith May 8 #11
calimary May 8 #12
Hugin May 8 #13
murielm99 May 10 #14

Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 7, 2021, 10:17 PM

1. K&R and thanks. nt

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 7, 2021, 10:32 PM

2. Never Talked To A Time Traveler, Sir

But have always thought it was the Cubs winning the series put us through the portal into this....

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 7, 2021, 10:33 PM

3. I luvs you, Ferret Cap!

I know I said that last week, but it remains true!!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 7, 2021, 10:39 PM

4. Hahaha!

You sure put things into perspective!

"Cousin-fucker."

Ty for feretting out all the nonsense!

Btw, the TN shit weasels also banned teaching about systemic sexism in that new law.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 7, 2021, 11:15 PM

5. Kick!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 7, 2021, 11:24 PM

6. K and R for another TheFerret gem.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 7, 2021, 11:38 PM

7. K&R nt

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 8, 2021, 01:07 AM

8. Absolutely brilliant writing!

Well done.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 8, 2021, 01:34 AM

9. Thank you for your words of wisdom

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 8, 2021, 01:51 AM

10. K&R

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 8, 2021, 02:09 AM

11. Oh hell yeah.

Preach on, brother.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 8, 2021, 02:25 AM

12. Ahhh, the Hairplug That Ate Decency, and his trusty sidekick, Cousin-Fucker!

With a side of the I’mma Spread a Lethal Virus to Own the Libs crowd!

I sure do love TheFerret!



I forgot the other great titles - Wee Donnie One-Term, Emperor of Hemorrhoids, Maggot King, Dimestore Fuhrer, Fish Stix Hitler...

As usual, yet another great read - full of sparkling gems!


AMAZING times - when the likes of Liz Cheney can wind up smelling like a rose ...

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 8, 2021, 11:03 AM

13. Kick, recommend, and weep.

*tsk*

Hell is so much more banal than I was expecting... And, stupider. You've really got to hand it to that Satan guy. He really knows his way around the weak minded. Who are blinded by a revulsion for personal inconvenience and a devout commitment to the 'isms'.

Take care, Mr Cap.

Thanks again.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Mon May 10, 2021, 11:11 AM

14. K&R, Ferret.

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