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Wed May 5, 2021, 03:54 PM

BREAKING NEWS: Panda bears brought in to assist with Arizona vote audit.

During the on-going audit of 2020 election ballots in Arizona, being conducted by a private consulting company at the behest of the Republican controlled Arizona Senate, reports have surfaced that auditors are now bringing in live panda bears into the Phoenix Veterans Memorial Coliseum to assist with the process.

A spokesperson for Cyber Ninjas--the company conducting the audit, neither actual ninjas nor experienced in the area of ballot auditing--stated that the bears will be used as a discerning mechanism.

"If the panda bear attempts to eat the ballot, there's good cause to believe that the ballot may contain bamboo fibers and thus may have been smuggled into Arizona from China," the spokesperson said. "But if the bear ignores the ballot, it's most likely legit."

"However, we can't rule out that the bear may have simply eaten a lot of bamboo before he got here and is just full," he added. "So even if the panda bear ignores the ballot, it can't necessarily rule out voter fraud."

Initial complications to the process arose when audit personnel mistakenly brought in polar bears instead of panda bears, resulting in the inadvertent mauling and hospitalization of at least three Cyber Ninja personnel at the scene.

DETAILS AT ELEVEN

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Arrow 18 replies Author Time Post
Reply BREAKING NEWS: Panda bears brought in to assist with Arizona vote audit. (Original post)
Tommy Carcetti May 2021 OP
louis-t May 2021 #1
Lars39 May 2021 #2
underpants May 2021 #3
underpants May 2021 #4
Tommy Carcetti May 2021 #5
underpants May 2021 #6
Permanut May 2021 #8
Totally Tunsie May 2021 #11
grumpyduck May 2021 #7
LetMyPeopleVote May 2021 #9
underpants May 2021 #10
CatWoman May 2021 #13
underpants May 2021 #18
cinematicdiversions May 2021 #12
question everything May 2021 #14
Tommy Carcetti May 2021 #16
world wide wally May 2021 #15
634-5789 May 2021 #17

Response to Tommy Carcetti (Original post)

Wed May 5, 2021, 03:57 PM

1. They're also bringing in shredders.

If the ballots are shreddable, we'll know they're fake. Just because. Shut up.

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Response to Tommy Carcetti (Original post)

Wed May 5, 2021, 03:58 PM

2. lol


Well, done, Tommy, well done!

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Response to Lars39 (Reply #2)

Wed May 5, 2021, 04:07 PM

3. Oh I so agree

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Response to Tommy Carcetti (Original post)

Wed May 5, 2021, 04:09 PM

4. Aren't all mauling inadvertent?

?noredirect

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Response to underpants (Reply #4)

Wed May 5, 2021, 04:10 PM

5. Not if they really deserved it.

Which, if you're working for a company called Cyber Ninjas, perhaps they did?

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Response to Tommy Carcetti (Reply #5)

Wed May 5, 2021, 04:16 PM

6. Ya know what they could really use? Do ya? Experienced pole workers

?w=710

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Response to underpants (Reply #6)

Wed May 5, 2021, 04:32 PM

8. Nicely done..

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Response to underpants (Reply #6)

Wed May 5, 2021, 08:18 PM

11. Bazinga!

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Response to Tommy Carcetti (Original post)

Wed May 5, 2021, 04:22 PM

7. I'm just waiting for the pandas to express their opinion of the whole thing.

They'll probably have to fumigate the place.

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Response to Tommy Carcetti (Original post)

Wed May 5, 2021, 05:18 PM

9. These methods make as much sense as using UV

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Response to Tommy Carcetti (Original post)

Wed May 5, 2021, 08:08 PM

10. OMG. They are looking for bamboo.

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Response to underpants (Reply #10)

Wed May 5, 2021, 10:27 PM

13. OMG!!!

THE PANDA!!!!!

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Response to CatWoman (Reply #13)

Thu May 6, 2021, 06:36 AM

18. Love the angry office panda






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Response to Tommy Carcetti (Original post)

Wed May 5, 2021, 08:28 PM

12. Pandas are the most woke of animals.

 

Because they are white, black and Asian.

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Response to Tommy Carcetti (Original post)

Wed May 5, 2021, 11:00 PM

14. Hiding the link that will identify this story as the Onion or Borowitz?

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Response to question everything (Reply #14)

Thu May 6, 2021, 05:54 AM

16. Generic Tommy Carcetti Store Brand satire, I regret. nt

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Response to Tommy Carcetti (Original post)

Wed May 5, 2021, 11:30 PM

15. So, this guy has been working at this for 17 years... and it all started in 2016

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Response to Tommy Carcetti (Original post)

Thu May 6, 2021, 06:30 AM

17. HA! TY @OP!

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