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Thu Apr 8, 2021, 05:00 PM

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-10: I Smell Sex And Stupid Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #10-10: I Smell Sex And Stupid Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! We are back, and forwards I might add! Still coming to you from this blank, blue void in the back room of a Burbank comedy club for the foreseeable future. No, no, we don’t need a Tucker reaction camera anymore. But look at this void! It’s so blue! So this is our 10th edition of season 10 which means that we could do a Top 10 with all editions 1 – 10 of season 10. Or we could do a Top 10 of all 10th editions from each season! Either way. This week while we can’t bring out the Wheel of Corruption, we are going to bring back some of our patented Clips Without Context! Because it’s been a while since we’ve seen some of these and there have been some good ones! Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! So congratulations to the Baylor Bears for winning the NCAA tournament and absolutely destroying Gonzaga. And that’s after Gonzaga had that crazy 3 pointer to sink UCLA. That was one crazy end to the tournament. And I’m so glad that tournaments are back and they have audiences! Hell, I went to my first MLB game in over a year and it was magical. I was even amazed to see live fireworks for the first time in over a year and before stupid COVID hit I was going to see fireworks at my baseball stadium like every week. And if the audiences we’re seeing now are any indication, I think that I’m going to like the Roaring 20’s when things finally open back up. And if you look at baseball attendance lately, Trump is of course having the opposite effect of his intended boycott! Keep wallowing in your own self-pity guys, it will eventually own you! OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. Too much really. But first John Oliver is back and he delves into the subject of the National Debt:

Where do we begin this week? In the absence of the famous Wheel Of Corruption, we're going to bring back some of our patented Clips Without Context because there's been some good ones lately, and each entry will feature a new clip that is both insane and cringe worthy! Well, we have to talk about the jaw-dropping, stunning level of stupidity surrounding the Matt Gaetz sex scandal (1) and the more you dig deep into this dive, the weirder and stupider it gets! Taking the second slot this week is our favorite conspiracy theory congresswoman, Marjorie Taylor Greene (2), who represents the Q-Batshit party. And no, Crossfit is not a cure for COVID, no matter how many idiots make that claim! In the number 3 slot this week is Brian Kemp (3) – yes the governor of Georgia just found out the hard way that actions have consequences as the MLB announced that it’s pulling out of the 2021 All Star Game in Atlanta which will put a serious damper in Georgia businesses and tourism revenue. In the #4 slot this week is Arizona Republicans (4). Yes, they are attempting, again to steal the 2020 election despite that it’s all yesterday’s news, and they’ve hired a firm run by a Q theorist! What could go wrong? Taking the 5th seed this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5), we’re going to take a look at what goes into a vaccine passport, and it’s not as scary as conservatives are making it out to be! At slot #6 this week, in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) – as Easter approaches, we take a look at the religious side of “cancel culture” – and guess what? It works both ways! At slot #7, we’re going to bring back our segment “Explaining Jokes To Idiots” which is definitely true in the wake of Mike Huckabee’s extremely racist tweet and Chet Hanks’ White Boy Summer. In the 8th slot this week, in a new edition of Conspiracy Corner (8), the alt right social media app Parler warned the FBI about its’ user base and even ratted out members! What could go wrong? In the #9 (NEIN!!) slot this week we have a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! Finally this week it’s time for Stupidest State 2021! This week we have Round 1 Week 4 and this week it’s a battle of the Batshit as #1 Georgia takes on reigning champion #2 Kentucky, while over in the Family Values Conference, it’s an interstate rivalry between #3 Mississippi and #4 Alabama! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Matt Gaetz
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Hey everyone! It's a clip without context!

What? You could make that claim about anything! I mean this CD I'm holding up of Kansas' greatest hits could be considered the equivalent of pedophilia. That is just fucking dumb. Anyway...

We need some music for this one!

OK there have been some ridiculously dumb scandals in history. But this one might take the cake for being one of the most shocking, jaw droppingly dumb scandals in history. When I found out that Matt Gaetz had sex with underage teenage girls I couldn’t wait to report it this week. And the more you dig into this scandal, the dumber it gets. I mean you couldn’t possibly be this dumb. Like that Marcy Playground hit from the 1990s – I smell sex and candy? This is more like “I smell sex and… stupid… yeah…!”. Still can’t believe that song was popular. I probably could have devoted the entire edition to this scandal because it really is that stupid. Here’s how it started because it started out just like any other Congressional sex scandal in history.

A defiant Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla.) says he has no plans to resign from Congress amid a federal investigation into whether he paid women — and a 17-year-old girl — for sexual favors.

Yet behind the scenes, a growing number of Gaetz’s Republican colleagues are predicting his days on Capitol Hill are growing short.

“In reality, yes, he won’t last long,” one member told The Hill on Friday.

The forecasts seem to be based on some combination of political pragmatism and wishful thinking.

Gaetz, who stands among the fiercest defenders of former President Trump, is no stranger to controversy, but the latest allegations — which have stemmed from a broader sex trafficking investigation involving the prostitution of minors — are by far the most serious. And Gaetz’s flair for flamboyant confrontation — he recently flew to Wyoming to stage a rally against GOP Rep. Liz Cheney on her home turf — has endeared him to pro-Trump conservatives outside the Beltway, but has also made him plenty of enemies within his own party.

Now here’s where it gets weird and you knew it was going to. I mean after all, he’s a Congressman from Florida. It’s already implied that it’s weird. But what makes it even weirder? The New York Times did their own investigation and they have receipts. Oh yes, my friends – they have receipts. How did they trace him you might ask? Well he used an electronic form of payment to solicit prostitutes. That’s right – he used an easily traceable form of electronic payment to commit a crime! You might as well register with Instatrace!

Florida representative and MAGA firebrand Matt Gaetz found himself in the middle of a reputational, and possibly criminal, firestorm this week after the New York Times broke the news on Tuesday that the Justice Department is looking into whether he broke federal sex trafficking laws and had sexual encounters with a minor. The Times’ sources say that investigators are examining Gaetz’s relationship two years ago with someone who may have been 17 at the time. They are also determining whether he financially supported her, including paying for her to travel with him over state lines, in exchange for sex, which could amount to sex trafficking of a minor. Gaetz has categorically denied engaging in sexual relationships with minors or paying anyone for sex, and is instead claiming that the investigation is part of a ploy to extort $25 million from his family. Subsequent news reports have unearthed increasingly bizarre details about the scandal; Times reporters, for instance, reviewed records of suspicious transactions that Gaetz made through payment apps.

The Gaetz probe is reportedly part of a larger investigation into one of his political allies, former Seminole County, Florida, tax collector Joel Greenberg. Greenberg resigned last June after he was indicted on 14 federal charges, including sex trafficking of a 14-year-old. Greenberg was allegedly frequenting websites where users can meet people who are willing to have sex for gifts and other forms of ostensibly indirect financial support. According to the Times, Justice Department officials believe that Greenberg was having sex with these people and then introducing them to Gaetz for further sexual favors. Gaetz reportedly took ecstasy during some of these encounters, which occurred while he was in office in 2019 and 2020; the congressman notably criticized President Joe Biden’s son Hunter for drug use in 2019. Reporters also retrieved receipts of payments that Gaetz and Greenberg made via Cash App and Apple Cash to one of the women involved. This particular detail raised eyebrows on social media, mostly because it seems foolhardy for a high-profile politician to commit a crime using something as traceable as these two extremely popular payment apps.

Let me speak to all the future wannabe criminals out there - if you're going to commit a crime, maybe, I don't know, don't use fucking Cash App to commit said crime! Oh look at that! He broke the stupid scale! Ladies and gentlemen, mark this very moment as the time of death for the stupid scale! By the way, Matt Gaetz turns on his full Trump conservative persona and suggests that he’s actually the victim in all of this! Now really, you have got to be fucking kidding me on this one. But not really.

The Matt Gaetz story increasingly reads like a script written by a pervert high on a cocktail of speed and MDMA. Even if you’ve been following the scandal-prone Republican congressman’s latest controversy closely it’s hard to keep track of what on earth is happening. So here’s a guide to navigating the saga far.

First and foremost, it has been established that Gaetz is under federal investigation for sexual misconduct. On Tuesday, the New York Times reported that the justice department (DoJ) is investigating whether Gaetz, 38, “had a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old and paid for her to travel with him”. If these allegations are accurate, then Gaetz could have violated federal sex trafficking laws. According to the Times, the allegations are part of a broader investigation into a political ally of Gaetz’s named Joel Greenberg, a Florida tax collector who was indicted last year on charges including the sex trafficking of a child. Greenberg also reportedly misused public funds to buy servers for a cryptocurrency company as well as weapons, ammunition and a drone. As you do.

After the Times broke the story, Gaetz confirmed to Axios that he was under federal investigation for sexual misconduct and is worried about being criminally charged. Rather predictably, however, he insists that he’s actually the victim in all of this and has said “no part of the allegations” against him are true. Gaetz, who is currently engaged to a woman 12 years younger than him, claimed that he used to be a “generous” partner in his single days and paid for flights and hotel rooms. “I think someone is trying to make that look criminal when it is not,” he said.


Yes, until that night a gross pervert named Matt Gaetz paid underage prostitutes with his iPhone… that’s a really 21st century crime isn’t it? But here’s where it gets really gross. Like all sex scandals eventually do, and that’s that there’s an event coming up. I just don’t get women for Trump. Because that’s just weird, awkward and cruel. But having a women’s conference at a Trump resort featuring Matt Gaetz as a keynote speaker is just gross on multiple levels. And we don’t even have time to mention his pardon either, we’ll save that for next week.

Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz is expected to speak at a “Women for America First” gala in the Sunshine State this Friday as he remains under fire over allegations that he paid for sex with an underage girl.

Gaetz, who vehemently denies the shocking allegations, will be the keynote speaker at the “Save America Summit,” which will take place at former President Donald Trump’s golf club in Doral this week, the Women for America First group said Tuesday.

“Rep Matt Gaetz has been a fearless leader in DC. Few members of Congress have been more willing than Matt to stand up & fight on behalf of President Trump & his America First Agenda,” the group tweeted. “We are honored.”

Gaetz returned the favor, tweeting back at the group: “Thank you to ‘Women for America First’ for the invitation to share my vision for our great nation.”

According to the group’s website, attendants have to dish out at least $500 for the Gaetz speech, which will also feature “BBQ, Boots & Bluegrass.”

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[font size="8"]Marjorie Taylor Greene
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Let's do some clips without context!

Then why are you an elected representative who is supposed to be at the Capitol? Oh shit who am I kidding? It's impossible to analyze what they're saying vs what they mean.

Look people the bottom line is simple. Want to end this damn pandemic so we can all get back to having normal lives and fun things to do again? Take the damn vaccine! It’s that fucking simple. Just get in your car, drive to the nearest point where you can get it, and take the damn shot. It’s literally an hour (or two) out of your life. If I can do it, then believe me, literally anybody can do it. That’s how end this. How we don’t end it? Listen to kooks like Marjorie Taylor Green (Q – Batshit) who are spreading an insane new theory that eating healthy and maintaining an active lifestyle are going to be the magic cure for COVID. But just like any other theory this is all an insane hypothesis, but no more than the 10,000,000,000 other insane theories out there. This one is also gaining traction because of people who are looking to say stupid shit on Twitter for no other reason than to stick it to people who are taking this seriously. You’re just selfish assholes, OK?

It seems Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) is still trying to work out how the coronavirus is transmitted.

Greene — who is known as the “QAnon congresswoman” thanks to her past endorsement of the conspiracy movement — posted a video to Twitter on Thursday showing her doing what appears to be a CrossFit workout.

“This is my Covid protection,” she wrote alongside a flexed-arm emoji and the hashtag #MakeAmericaHealthyAgain.

Twitter users had no problem exercising their right to point out the absurdity and ignorance of her declaration.

Being jacked or flinging about on a pullup bar like “like a wild salmon trying to escape a grizzly bear” does not make you immune from a respiratory viral infection. According to the World Health Organization, the coronavirus is transmitted through respiratory droplets among people who are in close contact with each other. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention also urges gymgoers to wear masks, social distance and to opt for “low-intensity activities over high-intensity activities when indoors.” This is because when you exercise, you exhale and inhale larger amounts of air, two experts explained to NBC News.

And yes that is shockingly dumb. Even for someone like Marjorie Greene who has been known to say ridiculously crazy and stupid shit on a daily basis. But to make matters worse, not only did she stand by her ridiculously dumb claims, she doubled down! And not only did she double down, she even went after overweight people as being the cause of the spread. No, it’s not that. This virus is an equal opportunity killer, it doesn’t care if you’re in shape or not!

Georgia Republican Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene on Saturday accused Democrats and Dr. Anthony Fauci of pushing for COVID-19 vaccines to be mandated, and for failing to address obesity within the pandemic.

Speaking on a large Twitter thread, Greene stated that lockdown orders and gym closures to help prevent the spread of the coronavirus are leading to "more weight gain," while criticizing Democrats for encouraging individuals to be inoculated.

"According to the CDC, the highest risk factor for covid hospitalization, ventilation, and death is OBESITY. As a matter of FACT, 78% of those who were ventilated or died from covid were obese," Greene wrote on Twitter.

"With over 42% of our population being obese, why isn't the biggest effort to save people's lives seriously tackling the critical health risk of obesity?" she added.

The Georgia Republican also stated that she introduced a bill called the "Fire Fauci Act," and accused the infectious disease expert of "helping big Pharma and destroying freedom."

Within her Twitter thread, Greene also posted videos of herself exercising, and encouraged her followers to tag her in videos of themselves doing pull-ups.

That is a good point, miss! And here’s the thing – yes obesity is a very serious health risk that should be taken seriously, that’s not wrong there. But that’s not the issue here. The issue is ending the COVID-19 pandemic and getting life back to the normalcy we had in 2019. But I cannot stress this enough. TAKE. THE. FUCKING. VACCINE. Stop making excuses. The more you do, the more you give the virus opportunities to mutate, and we don’t want that.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene posted a series of tweets railing against the White House’s coronavirus efforts on Thursday. In them, the publicity-hungry conspiracy enthusiast promoted her latest proposal—dubbed the Fire Fauci Act and the We Will Not Comply Act—demanding that Dr. Anthony Fauci be fired and making it known that she wouldn’t comply with “vaccine passports” and would seek to make the unvaccinated a protected class from discrimination.

In one of her first tweets on the subject, Greene shared a video of herself working out—specifically, doing a variation of the clean-and-press in a superset with butterfly pull-ups.

“This my Covid protection,” says the tweet’s text, accompanied by the hashtag #MakeAmericaHealthyAgain.

Her fitness routine in the clip quickly generated discourse. Greene’s form on the clean-and-press looked fine, but viewers were alarmed by her pull-ups—a swingy variation that can look bizarre to outsiders. Where a normal pull-up involves engaging your arms, back, and core to pull yourself up and over the bar, Greene was arching her back before swinging her body upward into a somewhat hollow position.

But Greene is a devotee of the CrossFit method, in spite of the brand disavowing her due to her penchant for racism and conspiracy theories. She clarified later that she was doing “butterfly pull-ups.” (Though, it seems, there’s no reason to do this unless you’re competitive in CrossFit.)

Here’s the thing, everyone wants to be healthy, we’re not making that argument here. But your workout is just bad form all around. You’re supposed to lift those weights with your back and not with your legs, because that will result in injury. And the last thing you should be doing right now in the middle of a pandemic is making trips to the ER! But even the people who run Crossfit have had enough of Marjorie Greene’s bullshit! So yeah again… she’s wrong on every level!

With every pull-up, power snatch, and hotel-room burpee, Marjorie Taylor Greene used CrossFit to build her brand, from gym owner to the House of Representatives’ most visible far-right conspiracy theorist. Before and during her political rise, CrossFit’s headquarters ignored Greene’s existence and her praise of the company’s workout programs — until now.

CrossFit for the first time disavowed Greene after BuzzFeed News asked in February about her history of calling for violence against political enemies, support for QAnon, attempts to undermine the 2020 presidential election, and amplification of other dangerous and deceptive nonsense. “CrossFit supports respectful fact-based political dialogue to address our common challenges, and we strongly oppose the loathsome and dangerous lies attributed to Ms. Greene,” Andrew Weinstein, a CrossFit spokesperson, told BuzzFeed News.

It started with Greene using her time as an affiliate gym owner to build her credibility as a small business owner. Then she asked for campaign donations and invited at least one gym member to donor events when she launched her congressional bid. Now, in Washington, she points to her time as an athlete and CrossFit affiliate owner to push her political agenda — like her viral hotel room workout in Washington, DC.

Though Greene entwined herself with the brand at nearly every step of her controversial political growth, CrossFit is only speaking out as it struggles to publicly account for its own accusations of racism, bigotry, and ignoring science during a lethal pandemic in its community of affiliates.

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[font size="8"]Brian Kemp
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Time for another Clip Without Context!

Uh oh! He's onto us! Our cover is blown! Back to our regularly scheduled program!

OK so this is one of those “cause and effect” type of deals that we keep pushing here at the Top 10 Conservative Idiots headquarters in Burbank, California. Because if you notice, you will find out that actions have consequences. And Georgia’s Brian Kemp found that out the hard way. Last week we reported on his shockingly evil new voter suppression laws, and yes, they are as bad as you would think they are. And not only did he have that insane fight with Georgia’s largest employer – Delta Airlines, he’s about to have another fight with Major League Baseball. That’s right – conservatives are declaring war on America’s pastime after Brian Kemp’s actions cost Atlanta the All Star game. So yeah expect this to get very ugly very quickly!

Major League Baseball is moving the 2021 All-Star Game and 2021 draft out of Atlanta in response to Georgia's controversial new voting law, the league announced Friday.

"I have decided that the best way to demonstrate our values as a sport is by relocating this year's All-Star Game and MLB Draft," Commissioner Rob Manfred said in a statement. "Major League Baseball fundamentally supports voting rights for all Americans and opposes restrictions to the ballot box."

Discussions of moving the game surfaced after Georgia recently passed a strict new voting law, which critics say is designed to disenfranchise voters of color. It requires a photo ID in order to vote via absentee ballot, which more than 1.3 million Georgia voters did during the coronavirus pandemic.

The new law limited the locations for dropboxes and the time voters have to request an absentee ballot. It also outlaws passing out food and water to voters within 150 feet of a polling place or within 25 feet of any voter standing in line, a particularly controversial provision as there are often longer lines to vote in disproportionately Black precincts.

That’s kind of about what it feels like to Georgia right now – getting beaned over the head because of something that the boss did. And here’s what else is going to happen – Georgia’s dumb move is going to cost Atlanta businesses dearly. This is coming at a crucial time when people are starting to recover economically from the impact of everything being closed down for a year because of COVID. Just as predicted too, this thing is getting mixed reviews depending on who you talk to.

The leaders of a Cobb-based human rights organization on Tuesday called on local solicitors to not prosecute violations for a provision of Georgia’s new voting law that criminalizes handing out water and food to weary voters and praised Major League Baseball for moving its All-Star Game out the state.

“It’s not all about the money,” said Gerald E. Rose, founder and CEO of New Order National Human Rights Organization at a press conference at the Atlanta Braves’ Cobb County stadium. “It’s all about being right. It’s about being wrong.”

About 100 feet away, a piece of the sign that had hung next to Truist Park’s scoreboard sat on a flatbed trailer. It read “Atlanta ALL-STAR,” and had been removed on Monday, the first business day after MLB’s decision.

The local fallout from the removal of the All-Star Game, which will now be played in Denver, Colorado, has taken many forms. Some of the state’s largest and most influential companies have publicly scolded Georgia lawmakers for the legislation.

Yeah some cases it’s all about money and then some cases it isn’t. But one thing is for certain – you can’t help but think that this entire thing is completely stupid – and also completely avoidable. Just like the rest of us, we can’t wait for things to fully open from the reeling effects of being fully closed for an entire year. What Brian Kemp did is not the way to go about doing this, and it’s going to cost the state of Georgia dearly.

Georgia's Cobb County estimates that MLB's decision to move the All-Star Game from Atlanta will cost the tourism industry in the area $100 million.

MLB pulled the All-Star Game out of Georgia on Friday in protest of the state’s controversial new voting restrictions, signed into law by Gov. Brian Kemp (R) last month.

The decision was the furthest a company has gone in protest of the legislation.

The law has drawn a wave of backlash from Democrats and voting rights activists who say the new law is a form of voter suppression.

Holly Quinlan, president and CEO of Cobb Travel and Tourism, told CNN in a statement that the “estimated lost economic impact” of the league’s decision is more than $100 million.

Yeah holy shit!!! This entire thing is going to cost the state of Georgia a whopping $100 million in lost business revenue! Or is it? Well again, just like the idea of whether or not this was a good idea, how much this is actually going to cost the state of Georgia is also going to change depending on who you talk to. But yeah keep getting your underwear in a wad over non existent voter fraud claims, it’s only going to cost you!

Major League Baseball has found itself at the center of a maelstrom over its decision to relocate this year’s All-Star Game from Atlanta over a new law in Georgia that critics say is a form of voter suppression.

Naturally, Donald Trump didn’t take long to pipe up. He released a statement calling for a boycott of baseball for “interfering with Free and Fair Elections”. Georgia’s Republican governor Brian Kemp, who signed the bill into law, descried the “cancel culture and partisan activists” who are “coming for your business”.

But in recent days the rhetoric has come to focus on a single number: $100m. That’s the “estimated lost economic impact” from the relocation for the state of Georgia according to a statement from Holly Quinlan, president and CEO of Cobb Travel and Tourism.

The full heft of the right-wing media ecosystem has seized on this $100m figure in the days since it surfaced in the hopes of swaying public opinion. In fairness, Stacey Abrams, a one-time Democratic candidate for Georgia governor also spoke of the economic impact of the relocation and the PGA made a similar argument while defending the Masters, which is played in Augusta, Georgia.

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[font size="8"]Arizona Republicans
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Hey it's another Clip Without Context!

Hey Mike, I believe that the phrase that you are seeking for what you are attempting to do is called "beating a dead horse" and this horse has been beaten to death! Back to our latest entry!

So conservatives seem to be taking their unprecedented defeats in the 2020 election well. In fact there’s at least over 100 ballot measures in 14 different states making it that much harder to vote and making Georgia’s controversial voter laws look like child’s play by comparison. But that’s not what we’re talking about in this entry. We’re talking about Arizona Republicans and their flat out attempts to steal the election yet again. Guys, it’s over! You lost! Get over it and move on! That’s what we’ve been hearing for the last 4 years, it’s time you deal with it as well. But nope, conservatives are that stupid. Remember the Chumbawumba song “I get knocked down but I get up again”? Yeah it seems they’re taking that way too literally.

More than a month after winning a legal battle over access to tabulation machines and 2.1 million ballots from Maricopa County’s 2020 general election, the Republican-led Arizona Senate on Wednesday said it hired four out-of-state companies to conduct a forensic audit and full hand recount.

Wake Technology Services, CyFIR, Digital Discovery and Cyber Ninjas are expected to issue their report in about 60 days, according to a press release.

Senate leadership will not be directly involved with the process.

“The scope of work will include, but is not limited to, scanning all the ballots, a full manual recount, auditing the registration and votes cast, the vote counts, and the electronic voting system,” the release says.

Ah you know the old saying, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 700 times, 62 court cases, and 1 SCOTUS case later, you must be a Trump supporter! I mean come on they took this thing to a fucking 6 – 3 SCOTUS and still lost! Shouldn’t that be a clear sign that it’s over? Oh and if you haven’t guessed that Q Anon is involved by now, you’re right. Because one of the ring leaders behind this latest attempt to steal the election is a “Stop The Steal” organizer!

The audit team that Senate President Karen Fann selected to examine the 2020 general election in Maricopa County will be led by a company owned by an advocate of the “Stop the Steal” movement who repeatedly alleged on social media that the election was rigged against former President Donald Trump.

Fann announced on Wednesday that she’d selected four companies to participate in an extensive audit and recount of the election, led by Cyber Ninjas, an Florida-based cybersecurity company. Cyber Ninjas is owned by Doug Logan, who has been an active promoter of baseless conspiracy theories alleging widespread election fraud last year, including in Arizona.

“I’m tired of hearing people say there was no fraud. It happened, it’s real, and people better get wise fast,” read a tweet from a since-suspended account that Logan retweeted on Dec. 31.

Logan was also listed as an expert witness by a man who filed a lawsuit alleging election fraud in Antrim County, Mich., which was the focus of early conspiracy theories due to a human-caused software error that briefly swapped vote totals between Trump and Joe Biden in the heavily Republican county. Among the other expert witnesses were Russell Ramsland and Phil Waldron of Texas-based Allied Security Operations Group, which Fann attempted to hire to conduct the audit, despite an extensive track record of making groundless or demonstrably false allegations about the fraud in the election.

And that’s about the appropriate reaction to this! So there’s 4 companies involved in attempting to overturn the 2020 election… AGAIN. And it’s the same bullshit that you’ve heard 100 times before and come on, it’s time to put this to bed. But no let’s keep banging your heads against the desk. This is one of the ultimate circular firing squads out there and as much as we would want to, I don’t expect this shit to go away anytime soon.

The head of a Florida-based technology company who has used social media to promote a range of unfounded election fraud claims and was involved with a previous effort to overturn election results in Michigan has been hired by the Arizona Senate to oversee the recount of Maricopa County's 2.1 million general election ballots.

The company, called Cyber Ninjas, will lead a team that includes three other firms as part of the $150,000 contract the Senate has awarded to conduct an unprecedented audit of the county's election results.

But a deleted Twitter account that appears to belong to Cyber Ninjas founder Doug Logan suggests he has already made up his mind about the security of Arizona's elections. It includes a litany of unsubstantiated allegations about fraud in the last election.

"I’m tired of hearing people say there was no fraud. It happened, it’s real, and people better get wise fast," said one post he shared from another Twitter user around the end of 2020.

And coincidentally that was the same reaction that I had when I saw that they were going to attempt this again! But here’s the thing guys – it’s going to be expensive. Although apparently money is no object to you. It’s going to waste time, but it looks like you have plenty of that. And while the republicans are screaming voter fraud, it looks like they’re about to commit some real voter intimidation, and that’s a far more serious crime. Seriously, you have better odds of winning the Powerball than you do finding an actual case of voter fraud in America.

Arizona Senate Republicans’ plans to recount Maricopa County’s 2020 presidential vote face a new legal challenge.

In a letter emailed Tuesday to the Senate’s hired auditors, attorneys for the non-profit voting-rights group Protect Democracy and three Phoenix firms warn that the auditors’ plan to knock on doors to search for voters likely violates state and federal law.

The lawyers say lawsuits could follow if the audit proceeds as planned.

“These tactics - no matter their intent - constitute illegal voter intimidation and might expose your companies to both civil and criminal penalties,” according to the letter to the four firms working on the audit.

"Should you proceed with your current proposed Statement of Work or engage in any other conduct that intimidates Arizona voters, your companies may be named as defendants in federal civil rights lawsuits, thereby exposing you to money damages, the payment of attorneys’ fees, and court injunctions. The same conduct also may expose your companies, officers, and employees to criminal penalties."

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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Small Pizza Joint, Big Sanctions
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It's another Clip Without Context!

Yeah no, Gordon, that was the last guy's agenda, and I'm pretty sure he was on Satan's payroll. Satan's Payroll - great band, by the way. Saw them at the Troubadour last year. It's time for Top 10 Investigates!

It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!

Now that it’s been 3 months removed from the end of the Donald J. Trump administration, we’re learning just how much damage this administration did in just four short years. They’ve broken the system beyond repair, and that’s precisely what they set out to do. One of the things this administration broke was our many international relations, which are going to take a long time to repair. And this is one of those things we can’t wait for the movie of this story. Because it’s certifiably insane and we can’t help but wonder what actually happened? Well if you do some investigating you’ll find it’s a variable clusterfuck of events that led to this. What happened was that Trump mistook a small Italian pizza joint in Verona, Italy for an international oil conglomerate.

There are bad Mondays, there are really bad Mondays, and then there's the Monday that Alessandro Bazzoni had earlier this year. The 45-year-old, who owns a restaurant and pizzeria in Verona, Italy, got a call from his banker who told him that there were "more than a few problems" with his three accounts.

According to La Repubblica, Bazzoni abandoned the risotto he'd been preparing, and went immediately to the bank, Banca Popolare dell'Emilia Romagna, where he learned that all of his accounts had been blocked by the U.S. government. "I asked them if they were making fun of me but nobody laughed," he said. "And in fact there was really nothing to laugh about."

Apparently on the last day of Donald Trump's presidency, the U.S. Treasury put sanctions on three individuals and more than a dozen businesses that had "ties to a network attempting to evade United States sanctions on Venezuela's oil sector," and that were connected to Petróleos de Venezuela (PdVSA), the Venezuelan state-owned oil and natural gas company.

"Bazzoni [...] is a core facilitator of the network, connecting Elemento and Swissoil with PdVSA and Saab. Bazzoni, an Italian citizen, has been instrumental in coordinating the purchase and sale of Venezuelan-origin crude oil from PdVSA," the Treasury wrote. "Bazzoni was designated today for operating in the oil sector of the Venezuelan economy and because he has materially assisted, sponsored, or provided financial, material, or technological support for, or goods or services to or in support of, PdVSA."

Except that it wasn’t Trump’s first day, it was his last. And he was determined to make Venezuela public enemy number 1, apparently because he didn’t have much else to do. But anyway with 7 billion people in the world it’s pretty easy to see that someone could have the same name as a reclusive oil billionaire who dominates industry trade. Even someone like the owner of a small mom and pop pizza restaurant, but at least get the name right before you phone it in.

The Trump administration accidentally slapped sanctions on an Italian restaurant and a graphic design studio before the former president left office, The Guardian reported.

On former President Donald Trump's last day of office, he ordered that sanctions be imposed on a network of Venezuelan oil firms and individuals associated with the state oil company — Petroleos de Venezuela (PDVSA).

This was part of a long-term economic embargo on Venezuela, intended to put an end to President Nicolas Maduro's regime.

However, an unfortunate mistake meant that two Italian business owners, who shared the same name as a man involved in the Venezuelan oil trade, had their businesses targeted in the crackdown.

So there’s so much more to this story. Apparently the US – Venezuela sanctions had a specific target: Venezuela’s prime minister Nicolas Maduro – who we’re pretty sure is one evil dude, and there may have been good intentions of hitting him with sanctions. Though our current leader at the time really wasn’t much better. But they could have at least done the research before hitting a mom and pop pizza owner with sanctions.

In 2019, Trump’s government imposed sanctions on Venezuela’s state oil company, Petroleos de Venezuela (PDVSA), in an attempt to force the resignation of president Nicolás Maduro, who the US accused of corruption, human rights violations and rigging his 2018 re-election. On his last day in office, Trump sanctioned a network of oil firms and individuals tied to PDVSA.

Bazzoni, the restaurant owner, discovered his company’s name – AMG SAS Di Alessandro Bazzoni & C – was on the blacklist during a visit to his bank on 19 January, the day before Trump left office and the new US president, Joe Biden, was sworn in.

“When I heard that my current accounts had been blocked, I thought it was a joke,” Bazzoni told Corriere della Sera. “These are already difficult times for us restaurant owners, the last thing I needed was to have my accounts blocked.”

Bazzoni told the newspaper he solved the problem himself, “by entering my data on a special digital platform of the US government”. He added: “While I was at it I managed to get a visa until 2023.”

So there are two men named Alessandro Bazzoni – one an Italian pizza restaurant owner, and the other an international oil billionaire -were both put on an international sanctions list, and the restaurant owner found out about it the hard way. But in terms of everything the Trump administration has done, this will forever be remembered as one of the biggest blunders in his administration, and it’s completely full of huge blunders. The biggest blunders ever. Big, huge blunders.

The Trump administration, known specifically for its competence, accidentally imposed sanctions on a graphic design studio and an Italian pizzeria before the neon orange creature, Trump himself, left office. Business Insider has the scoop on one of his last, if not final, fuckups in office.

On his last day in office, Trump ordered that sanctions be slapped onto a network of Venezuelan oil firms and individuals associated with a state-owned company known as Petroleos de Venezuela. One of the individuals named is the sanction is named Alessandro Bazzoni, and you can probably guess where this is headed.

Alessandro Bazzoni, who owns SeriGraphicLab in Sardinia, Italy, told The Guardian that he had been blacklisted by the US Department of the Treasury, although he declined to comment further. And the same thing happened to a pizzeria owner, again named Alessandro Bazzoni, in the Italian city of Verona.

Pizzeria Bazzoni (not graphic designer Bazzoni) told his local newspaper, Corriere della Sera, “When I heard that my current accounts had been blocked, I thought it was a joke.” But nobody was joshin’ Bazzoni, because it was the real deal. “These are already difficult times for us restaurant owners,” he said. “The last thing I needed was to have my accounts blocked.” While he hasn’t received an apology, his name has been removed from the sanctions list.


That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.

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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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It's yet another Clip Without Context!

My answer to the "Biden stumbled up the stairs" argument? Trump killed 550,000 people and sent the US economy into a tailspin! Fuck off, creepy weird Christian goth guy! Now on to Holy Shit!

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew and pass the VENMO collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:

My fair virtual congregation! We live in some very strange and very awkward times. My advice is to ride it out and wait for next week’s wacky adventure. Because this week, while our brothers and sisters on the conservative side of things are screaming about “cancel culture”, we’d like to take this time to remind them that Christianity is the *ORIGINAL* cancel culture! I mean even though our good LAWRD and savior, JAYSUS, states “judge not lest ye be judged”, those people are participating in what might be the ultimate circular firing squad. So is it Christianity that’s doing the canceling or is Christianity the one that is being canceled? Well like I said it’s the original circular firing squad and it works the same for both sides!

Cancel culture is the driving force of our times wedded to the objective of undermining and replacing our traditional Christian-based heritage. Let’s compare the givens of the cancel culture with some Biblical reflections on the issue of the human heart and human nature and the proper type of world system.

In terms of politics, the cancel culture embraces globalism over traditional Christian-based nationalism. Key to building legitimacy for globalism rests with popularizing the assumption that the heart of man, in the deeper philosophical sense, is good by definition. This links definitively to the drive underway to delegitimize objectivity and classical reason in favor of a focus on “re-imagining” reality. The re-imagining process then, entails letting the feelings or emotions flow freely, unrestrained by reason.

The Bible view on the nature of the human heart, without God, is very different from that of the cancel culture. For example, Mark 7:21-23 states that “from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride foolishness: All these evil things come from within and defile the man.”

For the Biblical view on heart-based “re-imagining”, consider Romans 1:21-22: “… when they knew God, they glorified Him not as God, neither were thankful, but became-- vain in their imaginations — and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools.”

That’s because they’re CANCELED! Oh wait, nobody is cancelling anything. Here’s the thing though – this is what Rep Boebert said. Yes I know this woman is the craziest of the crazy but we have to talk about this for a minute. Now here’s the thing – you are aware that GAWD literally canceled an entire city in the Bible, right? Do you not remember the tale of the righteous Gamorah and the sinful Sodom? And do you not know what happened there?

Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) on Monday compared herself to biblical figures who she said were similar to her in their purported opposition to "cancel culture."

Boebert made her remarks at a town hall meeting in Montrose, Colorado.

"I refuse to bow to the cancel mob," Boebert said, a reference to recent Republican complaints about the removal of Dr. Seuss books containing racist images and the renaming of Mr. Potato Head toys to be gender-neutral as the GOP struggles to counteract President Joe Biden's popularity.

Boebert said "cancel culture" is "something that has been around since the beginning of time."

"Go back to the book of Genesis: Cain canceled Abel. He didn't like the sacrifices he was giving to God and he canceled him," Boebert told supporters.

Yes and I suggest that you read those because there’s far more instances of your “cancel” culture happening in the Bible! And come on really cancel culture doesn’t really work both ways. If you don’t want to be canceled, maybe I don’t know, don’t put yourself in the position to be canceled? See how easy that is? Yeah just don’t say batshit crazy stuff and you’ll be fine! But no these people continue to do that and the cycle will repeat itself. But it’s not us, it’s you.

Joining host Alex Marlow on the “Breitbart News Daily” radio program Tuesday, conspiracy theorist and far-right activist Mike Cernovich criticized so-called cancel culture, encouraging conservatives who suffered the indignity of having journalists report what they said on Twitter to cancel liberals in turn. More generally, he encouraged pretty much everybody else on the right to join in the lib-cancelling fun.

The hue and cry over this purported canceling has grown ever louder since a number of high-profile hard-right personalities saw their Twitter and Facebook accounts terminated in the wake of the January 6 insurrection at the U.S. Capitol building.

Cernovich claims to be a victim of cancel culture—the phrase used by conservatives to slam what they see as liberals’ propensity for encouraging criticism and boycotts of anyone who expresses ideas that liberals find repugnant. Cernovich, for his part, was broadly criticized for boorish behavior, including the hounding of women online in the misogynist harassment campaign known as Gamergate, boosting the “Pizzagate” conspiracy theory, encouraging sexual assault, and making racist comments. He once claimed, “Rape via an alpha male is different from other forms of rape,” and said about 17-year-old Trayvon Martin, “He got got before he was able to rape anyone.”

Nevertheless, Marlow brought Cernovich on to discuss the cancel issue, claiming it’s only a matter of time conservatives are thrown in jail.

Yeah because canceling each other is what JAYSUS would want now, isn’t it? I mean it’s the ultimate circular firing squad here. But here’s the thing – no matter how many times you cry “wolf” at the subject of cancel culture, keep in mind that religion is the ultimate apex of cancel culture. And I’m sure that’s what the good LAWRD JAYSUS doesn’t want now. But the more you scream about it, the more it will ultimately come for you!

Liking a tweet is technically free, but one Alabama megachurch is paying a hefty price.

This month, Chis Hodges, senior pastor of Church of the Highlands, an evangelical congregation with 60,000 members spread across 24 locations, came under fire after screenshots were shared online showing the pastor liking several posts by Charlie Kirk, a controversial pro-Trump activist.

The posts in question were considered racially insensitive and, among other things, questioned whether white privilege actually exists.

These actions sparked outcry from Birmingham residents, including the pastor of at least one black church who was already displeased that Hodges’ church has been planting white congregations in black neighborhoods to which they had no connection.

Hodges attempted to quell the furor by deleting his social media accounts and tearfully apologizing to his congregation, but Birmingham’s Board of Education, which leased two public high schools to the church, was unconvinced.

So it’s projection – the more you scream about cancel culture, the more you might be hiding something ugly! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:

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[font size="8"]Explaining Jokes To Idiots
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Hey everyone it’s time for one of our patented clips without context!

Is it me or does this guy look like he plays in a goth band and then moonlights at cemeteries on the weekend? Now it’s time for Explaining Jokes To Idiots!

It’s the segment where we in the comedy business explain the concept of humor to people who just don’t quite get it. And there’s a lot of that this week whether it’s Mike Huckabee attempting to throw shade and coming off as extremely racist, Chet Hanks declaring that the summer of 2021 is a “White Boy Summer”, Charles Barkley schooling everyone on divisive politics, or Sharon Osbourne claiming that her comments on The Talk weren’t racist! There’s so much that we don’t even know where to start with the headlines this week. But you know what? Before we get into the heart of this mess – and there’s so many stupid people saying stupid things that it’s almost impossible to pick a starting point. But let’s get into what Charles Barkley said first – before proving the points made by everyone else. So Mr. Barkley made a point about politicians being divisive. Let’s see where he stands on that issue:

Ahead of yesterday’s Final Four matchup between Baylor and Houston, Charles Barkley took the opportunity to share his thoughts on race relations in the United States. His response came after a video was shown of President Kennedy announcing the news of Martin Luther King Jr.’s assassination in 1968.

Believing that most people, black or white, are awesome people, Chuck placed the blame squarely on the shoulders of politicians on both sides of the aisle for intentionally dividing people:
“I think most white people and black people are great people. I really believe that in my heart.

But I think our system is set up for our politicians, whether they are Republicans or Democrats, to make us not like each other and so they can keep their grasp of money and power. They divide and conquer.
I truly believe in my heart that most white people and black people are awesome people, but we are so stupid following our politicians.

Whether they are Republicans or Democrats and their only job is ‘hey, let’s make these people not like each other. We don’t live in their neighborhoods, we all got money. Let’s make whites and blacks not like each other. Let’s make the rich and poor not like each other. Let’s scramble the middle class.’

So that’s exactly what he said. Now let’s put the context of what he said into some perspective. Starting with our old buddy Mike Huckabee, who we’ve previously called Twitter’s Worst Comedian (see: Top 10 #2-18 ). This week he said something so jaw dropping, stunningly racist that he got repeatedly raked over the coals for it. But in the eyes of conservatives? Oh it was just a harmless joke. Ha ha ha ha ha…

Former Arkansas governor and Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee came under criticism Saturday for a tweet attacking Major League Baseball and several corporations that many found bigoted and insensitive.

"I’ve decided to 'identify' as Chinese. Coke will like me, Delta will agree with my 'values' and I’ll probably get shoes from Nike & tickets to @MLB games. Ain’t America great?" Huckabee wrote.

Huckabee's tweet was quickly condemned as racist, as many Asian Americans and anti-hate speech advocates have pointed to anti-Chinese rhetoric as a key driver in rising anti-Asian hate – and hate crimes – in the U.S.

The New Georgia Project, a voting rights group based in Georgia, called the tweet "openly racist," while others called the tweet "hateful," "disgraceful" and "antithetical to the gospel."

Holy shit!!!! Now that’s the serious side of racism, and Huckabee got called out on it. Remember when Jon Stewart and Conan O’Brien were fighting over this guy? I wonder if they regret their decision. So that said, let’s take a look at the lighter, more playful side of casual racism. I’m looking at you, Chet Hanks. This is white male toxicity and Barstool culture gone absolutely haywire. Do we really need any more of this shit? We need less of it!

Chet Hanks, son of the Hollywood actor Tom Hanks, has been criticized for using a “racist” font on his new collection of merchandise which is also controversially called White Boy Summer.

His black and white range of clothes, which include hoodies, T-shirts, shorts, tank tops, leggings, caps and bike shorts, has been called out online for its use of a Gothic-style font that is close to the one used by white nationalists. It’s also similar to the Fraktur fonts, which were used in Nazi Germany most prominently on the cover of Hitler’s Mein Kampf book.

“Hmm unfortunately the merch looks aggressively racist,” wrote one commentator on Twitter, while another wrote: “Jesus. When I think of typefaces white people should avoid, anything remotely calligraphic/blackletter looking pops immediately to mind, especially if it’s going to include the word ‘White’.” While on Hanks’s official Instagram a user said: “Proud Boys are gonna buy these tf up.” The Proud Boys are a far-right US group and in September fashion line Fred Perry withdrew their polo shirts which had been adopted by them.

Hanks, who raps under the moniker Chet Haze and has acted in the TV shows Shameless and Empire, came up with the term “White Boy Summer” on Friday – a play on the Megan Thee Stallion song from 2019 Hot Girl Summer.

Fonts are racist? I had no idea! And I mean come on let’s take a look at where “white boy summer” comes from. It’s like starting a protest movement to counter a protest movement by changing a few words around… oh wait, that happened! And by the way you know what we say around here – if you have to ask it’s probably racist! But here’s what happens when you attempt to pass off racism as a joke – you get taken down like Sharon Osbourne. And yeah, don’t be Sharon Osbourne.

Sharon Osbourne is continuing to deny the mounting allegations of racism and bullying against her.

On Tuesday, journalist Yashar Ali published a report alleging that Osbourne, 68, referred to her former The Talk co-host Julie Chen as "wonton" and "slanty eyes," citing multiple unnamed sources, including another former The Talk co-host, Leah Remini.

Osbourne called the claims "crap, all crap," in an interview first given to Daily Mail Wednesday, (PEOPLE confirmed the veracity of the quotes, and Osbourne shared a similar statement), but repeated the racist language, adding "Everyone's got an opinion or a story like the wonton story. It's like f--- off with your f------ wonton story. F--- off!"

"Of course, it's a pile on. People want to add fuel to the fire and it comes with the territory and that's fine," she said.

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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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It's time for another Clip Without Context!

To which we say - "Good luck with that one, Rick!" Now onto Conspiracy Corner - time to break out those tin foil hats!

Welcome back to the segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable – Conspiracy Corner! We are coming to you live from our underground bunker in an undisclosed location deep in the New Mexico badlands. And that’s where we are staying. Our location is off the grid. In fact it’s so off the grid that there’s no way that we could take selfies and post them on social media because we have extremely spotty Wifi reception here. Of course you know that when conservatives talk about “Big Tech” they really have no idea what it actually does. And when you have an app like Parler that’s known for being vehemently toxic, what happens when you get a bunch of really angry people in the same room together? Why they only get more angry of course! And that of course causes Parler to take action, because no one wants to be considered a “high risk client” on their bank’s credit application!

Parler, a social network popular among conservatives, is claiming that it repeatedly warned the FBI that there could be violence on January 6. The app sent a letter to the House Oversight Committee on Thursday saying it developed “formal lines of communication” with the FBI to refer violent threats made on its platform.

Days and weeks before rioters pushed their way into the U.S. Capitol, Parler says it referred violent content to the FBI more than 50 times, including specific threats being planned.

“Parler even alerted law enforcement to specific threats of violence being planned on the Capitol,” the letter said.

One post Parler said it forwarded to the FBI called for an “armed force of 150,000” to “react to the congressional events of January 6th,” Parler said. Another read, “This is the final stand” and “I trust the American people will take back the USA with force and many are ready to die.” Another post claimed then-President Trump “needs us to cause chaos.”

So yeah the owners of Parler warned the FBI a whopping 50 times that some shit was going to brew before it happened! Guess you could say this is a… conspiracy? Hey that’s the name of this segment! I mean we specialize in conspiracies! And here’s the thing – let me explain something about free speech to you guys. See all forums – public and private have this thing called a “terms of service” agreement – and if you violate it you get banned. Oh fuck it, I will just let Parler explain it.

However, Parler's attempt to pile on Facebook while its CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, was being admonished by Congress members seems to have backfired.

"So you are snitches over nothing but democrat conspired bs???" commented one user on Parler's own post about the letter to it's Parler profile page.

The comments section quickly filled up with some of Parler's users accusing the right wing social media platform of "ratting out" the site's own members.

"SO PARLER IS NO BETTER THAN FAKEBOOK AND TWITTER.....?" posted another user in reply. "This is NOT an example of a free speech platform. Parler is a fraud," claimed yet another.

The reaction to the news that Parler "colluded" with the FBI in order to report violent content was so strong on the right wing platform, the company was compelled to release a statement addressing those outraged users.

So even an entire platform dedicated to saving conservatives from the evil tyrannical clutches of “big tech” couldn’t explain free speech! And by the way – not having Parler on the Apple App Store is hurting the platform big time. So much in fact that it’s actually starting to police content. See guys? You’ll soon learn that there’s no such thing as truly free speech on the internet. Want it? Then start your own ISP, your own cell phone provider, and build your own cell phone operating system and app store. That might take a few billion or so.

It hasn’t gone well so far. On March 10, Apple denied Parler’s application to return to the App Store, saying the platform hadn’t done enough to strengthen its moderation practices after the Capitol riots. Bloomberg reports that along with its rejection letter, Apple sent Parler a litany of screenshots of its users posting hate speech. “As you know, developers are required to implement robust moderation capabilities to proactively identify, prevent, and filter this objectionable content to protect the health and safety of users,” Apple reportedly wrote.

In a statement the next day, Parler’s chief policy officer, Amy Peikoff, stressed the lengths to which the platform has gone in recent months to implement new moderation practices to appease Apple. “We worked tirelessly to adopt enhanced protocols for identifying and removing this type of content,” Peikoff wrote. “We have since engaged Apple to show them how we’ve incorporated a combination of algorithmic filters and human review to detect and remove content that threatens or incites violence.”

Peikoff also wrote that Parler has rolled out all-new moderation features that weed out “personal attacks based on immutable and irrelevant characteristics such as race, sex, sexual orientation, or religion.” Mainstream social platforms like Facebook and Twitter have long since adopted algorithms to block exactly these forms of hate speech (although they tend to use language like “protected categories” rather than “immutable and irrelevant characteristics”). The main difference is that Parler gives its users the ability to opt out of its hate speech filter so they can “curate their own feeds as they choose.”

Yeah probably. But being “deplatformed” on Apple isn’t the only thing that’s hurting Parler. Aside from users repeatedly making death threats to everyone they don’t agree with including each other, what could cause the demise of Parler is in fact – the original owner of Parler, Greg Metze himself. This dude is broke. And what Mike Lindell should learn form this venture is that running a social media platform isn’t cheap, and you will eventually have to start policing content before the feds come knocking at your door!

The former CEO of Parler, John Matze, announced Thursday that he had launched a GoFundMe page to support legal fees "associated with [his] departure from Parler."

"I also am likely heading into a Congressional investigation into Parler, and it is uncertain whether Parler will indemnify me for the inevitable costs of defending this investigation," Matze wrote on the GoFundMe page. The right-wing social media app is embroiled in a Congressional investigation following the January attacks on the US Capitol.

Matze said he will use the funds to cover legal fees related to the Congressional inquiry, security costs, travel expenses associated with any hearings, and "repayment for any legal fees associated with defense and prosecution of ongoing litigation and negotiations."

Matze's fundraising page has a $150,000 goal, and had raised over $3,000 as of Thursday afternoon.

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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Now it's yet another Clip Without Context!

Now that is just... that's just certifiably batshit crazy. Really, I got nothing. Now it's time for People Are Dumb!

Hit it!

So of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. So who is dumb this week you might ask? Well first off you know that I love a good fast food rage story. Seriously I collect and trade these with my friends. Give me a story where McDonalds runs out of chicken nuggets and a customer goes crazy and trashes the restaurant and starts cursing out employess – and I’m in! I mean seriously why have they not made a reality show about fast food rage? I mean come on reality show producers, it’s there! And it will be far more entertaining than another show starring the Kardashian family. For this we turn to the great state of Minnesota where a botched burglary took place after a botched fast food order.

Angered that the mother of his son got him a Quarter Pounder instead of a Big Mac from McDonald’s, a Minnesota man allegedly argued with the woman before throwing her to the ground and then swiping money from the victim’s purse, police charge.

Responding to a flurry of 911 calls about a disturbance Sunday night at a residence in Mankato, a cop was told by the victim that she was assaulted by Mohamed Aboubaker, a Minneapolis resident with a lengthy rap sheet.

According to a criminal complaint, the 39-year-old Aboubaker “was visiting for the last few days” with the victim (the pair are parents to a three-year-old boy).

The woman told police that Aboubaker was upset because she got him “a quarter pounder instead of a big mac from McDonald’s.” An argument ensued and Aboubaker allegedly “threw her to the ground against the dresser.” The woman said that “her son was in the room and was screaming while this occurred.”

The victim said that after Aboubaker (pictured above) went into the kitchen and removed money from her purse, she confronted him and sprayed him with a can of “Mace” (which actually was hornet spray).

Next up – dumb MAFIA criminals! There was a Mafia fugitive on the run, wanted for bank fraud in the Netherlands. What happens next is about as dumb as it gets. Well federal investigators in the Netherlands managed to track this guy to – the Dominican Republic. And how did they track this guy nearly 2,000 miles away? By his wife’s Youtube cooking channel. That’s right – his wife ran a cooking channel on Youtube. That had subscribers. Yes, this is dumb!

Marc Feren Claude Biart, an alleged member of a powerful Italian Mafia organization, was able to evade the authorities for seven years, but he couldn’t his escape his love of cooking.

And that’s what ultimately led to his capture last week.

Biart, who authorities say is a member of southern Italy’s 'Ndrangheta crime syndicate, was tracked down after he and his wife started a YouTube channel in which they posted Italian cooking tutorials.

Biart hid his face in the videos, but police were able to identify him by his distinctive tattoos, they said Monday.

Biart, 53, was wanted since 2014 for allegedly trafficking cocaine into the Netherlands. He fled to Costa Rica and then a couple of years later settled in the beach town of Boca Chica, Dominican Republic, authorities said.

He was arrested last week in the Dominican Republic and extradited to Italy, arriving in Milan on Monday, police said.

Authorities said Biart and his wife led a quiet life in the Dominican Republic and kept their distance from the Italian community on the Carribean island.

It’s not clear how long the cooking channel had been online.

Next up – of course we’re going to turn to the Sunshine State. Where would we be without Florida? I know you can post the flying cars graphic but that sounds about right. Anyway this first story concerns some stupid hackers who got caught. Although one could say it’s the school’s fault for making the homecoming queen vote in an online poll – and for that you reap what you sow. But still this is a “play stupid games, win stupid prizes” kind of deal.

A Florida teen was crowned homecoming queen at her high school last fall after the girl and her mother, an assistant elementary school principal, conspired to rig the student vote through an in-house school computer system and give her the title, investigators allege.

Now the 17-year-old senior and her mom, Laura Rose Carroll, 50, an assistant principal at Bellview Elementary School in Escambia County, have been arrested and face multiple criminal charges.

According to the Florida Department of Law Enforcement, 117 votes flagged as fraudulent in the October 2020 election for Tate High School's Homecoming Court came from the same IP address within a short period of time.

FDLE investigators linked that address to Carroll's residence and cell phone, allegedly finding evidence of "unauthorized access" from there to the school district's FOCUS student information network, with 246 votes cast for the Homecoming Court.

"Multiple students reported that the daughter described using her mother's FOCUS account to cast votes," FDLE said in a news release.

Next up – face tattoos. Look people, no matter how tempting it may be – don’t get one. Because face tattoos are a real judge of character and something that can easily identify you if you’re fingered in a crime. This dolt from Florida (obviously) had a very easily identifiable face tattoo - *AND* - got caught doing something ridiculously stupid. So, and I say this without citing the law, might be what one might call a “double whammy”.

A Florida man was arrested on Sunday after he stole an ambulance but got it stuck in mud a few miles away.

According to a press release from the Hernando County Sheriff's Office in Florida, on Sunday, authorities responded to a call of a stolen ambulance near the area of Port Court in Spring Hill.

The ambulance is owned by the Hernando County Fire Rescue and Emergency Services, according to the release. At around 12:27 p.m. local time, the ambulance was parked in the ambulance bay of the Oak Hill Hospital in Brooksville, Florida, when it was taken.

The ambulance was left unsupervised while parked in the ambulance bay as the operating crew was in the process of transporting a patient from the ambulance to inside the hospital. ................(more)


Because whenever I think face tattoos, Mike Tyson immediately comes to mind! Next up – peeping. And just like face tattoos – as tempting as they may be – don’t do them! And this of course comes to us yet again from the Sunshine State. Yeah there was a strange lack of weird news this week. But really if you’re even thinking of doing your best Quagmire impression, everyone is turned off by them. Maybe even Quagmire.

A Florida man allegedly caught in the act peeping into a woman’s window is a bit worse for the wear after trying to get away from deputies.

Lee County Deputies say they got a call about someone creeping around homes in Fort Myers. When they rolled up to the scene, deputies say they found 40-year-old Hugo Topete Alcatraz with his hands cupped around his eyes looking through the window. His face was pressed up against the glass. Deputies say he took off running, but he didn’t get far. He was cuffed and taken to the hospital for what deputies describe as “minor injuries.” His mug shot shows a big bandage strapped across his head and scratches on his face.

He’s charged with Voyeurism for secretly observing the victim where she had a reasonable expectation of privacy. He’s also charged with Resisting Officer without Violence and Loitering or Prowling. He was taken to the Lee County Jail. ..........(more)


Finally this week – look people, I know that we’re getting seriously restless in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic and we’re so close to being out of the woods. If you do venture out in public, at least play by the rules! We’ve been living under lockdown for a year and if you don’t play by the rules, expect those lockdowns to extend to another 2 – 3 years. But really this guy takes the cake for selfish assholes being selfish assholes.

A man who was arrested after refusing a temperature screening at Disney Springs in Florida told authorities that he couldn't be told to leave because he had spent $15,000 on his vacation.

The man, Kelly Sills, a tourist from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, bypassed the Orlando attraction's medical screening in February and refused to get his temperature checked when asked by Disney employees, according to a report from the Orange County Sheriff's Department.

Body camera video released recently showed Sills refusing to leave when asked by law enforcement.

"I spent $15,000 to come here," Sills said after a deputy told him that he was officially considered to be trespassing. Deputies and a security manager at Disney Springs had approached Sills outside the Boathouse restaurant, according to the police report.

That’s it this week for:

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[font size="8"]Stupidest State
[br] [/font]

It's time for our final Clip Without Context for the week!

First off what's with these weirdos and calling themselves prophets? Get off your high horse! And second, have you actually read the Constitution? I'm pretty sure that's not how it works. And we're off to Stupidest State!

16 states will enter and only one state will become the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!

Welcome back to Stupidest State 2021! Things are getting really exciting as the Elite 8 is almost set, and we have just one more round to go before the Final Four! Last week – we some exciting developments as Texas knocked off Florida to advance to the Gun Nut Conference championships! Meanwhile, over in the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference, we had another upset as Wyoming’s buzzer beater sent conference favorite Kansas home! This week, we return to the Batshit Conference to see league favorites Georgia and Kentucky duke it out to play Michigan in the Batshit Conference championship, while over in the Family Values Conference, Mississippi will bring an epic holy war to their neighbors to the north, Arkansas! Two of these teams will advance, the other two will go home! Let’s go to the floor!

[font size="4"]Batshit Conference Finals: Georgia Vs Kentucky [/font]

[font size="2"]Georgia [/font]

The Peach State is back for another round and they’ve got better and crazier since their appearance in the 2018 Stupidest State contest! Since then they have inexplicably reelected governor Brian Kemp, and he’s gone full asshole. Conservatives don’t admit that they like to lose even when they get their asses handed to them in a major election. But what is making Georgia so crazy right now? Don’t worry – we’re heavily following the MLB incident. But as I have said, you can take Georgia out of the red, but you can’t take the red out of Georgia. Want proof? The Nazi party is making a comeback!

“I feel vaguely threatened and disconcerted by this defacement of my property, however minor it is in the big picture,” Zucker Saltz said.

Later, a neighbor found the same sticker on a yard sign a few doors down.

Cas Mudde, a UGA political science professor who studies right-wing extremism, confirmed that the symbol is a Black Sun, also known as a sonnenrad or sunwheel swastika.

Originally a pagan symbol, it was adopted by Heinrich Himmler as a way to link Germany to the ancient Norse while incorporating swastika and SS lightning bolt imagery. More recently, it’s become associated with white supremacists like those involved in the 2017 Charlottesville riot.

Read more: https://flagpole.com/news/in-the-loop/2021/03/17/stickers-with-nazi-symbol-spotted-in-athens/

Hey don’t be a stupid, be a smartie! Come and join the Nazi party! You know what else makes Georgia flat out batshit crazy? The pornography industry! And Georgia loves them some porn. They love porn so much that a very toxic form of it known as “revenge porn” got so much traction that they actually had to have a bill that would outlaw the practice! Yes, this is a real thing!

On Friday, March 5, 2021, the Georgia Senate passed Senate Bill 78, sponsored by Sen. Harold Jones II (D – Augusta). SB 78 would make it a felony to distribute sexually explicit content on a pornographic website with the intent of harassing or causing financial harm to the victim.

“As Crossover Day has ended, I am pleased to announce that SB 78 has passed the Senate and now heads to the House of Representatives for full passage,” said Sen. Jones II. “Revenge porn, or image-based sexual abuse, is a form of sexual abuse, and it is a serious crime. When a person takes someone’s sexually explicit images and places those images on a pornographic website, their behavior is not adequately addressed by the current misdemeanor punishment. SB 78 raises the punishment and, therefore, will protect many men and women. I am proud to support this piece of legislation.”

First Reader Summary of Senate Bill 78: A BILL to be entitled an Act to amend Part 3 of Article 3 of Chapter 11 of Title 16 of the Official Code of Georgia Annotated, relating to invasion of privacy, so as to revise the prohibition on electronically transmitting or posting nude or sexually explicit photographs or videos for purposes of harassing the depicted person; to provide for an increased penalty for the electronic transmission or posting to a web page that is accessible to the general public; to provide for related matters; to repeal conflicting laws; and for other purposes.

Read more: https://allongeorgia.com/georgia-state-politics/georgia-senate-passes-anti-revenge-porn-bill/

[font size="2"]Kentucky [/font]

Ah the Bluegrass State. They may have knocked off former governor Matt Bevin, but Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul – both useless wastes of space – still remain! But Kentucky is definitely the home of politicians willing to commit political suicide. Like Mitch McConnell for instance who has to hang onto his political legacy even if it means throwing Trump under the bus! And you know what? He’ll also throw his own political career under the bus if it means saving his own ass. Yes he’s that kind of self-loathing politician and he’s probably also a complete psychopath.

It was no surprise to see Kentucky’s two Senators vote to let their Dear Leader off the hook again. Sen. Rand Paul, who is turning more and more into an ongoing series of jokes on late night TV, is up for re-election in 2022 and has been a steady suck-up since November 2016, when he changed his original opinion on Trump as a “delusional narcissist and an orange-faced windbag.”

McConnell, however, has now contorted himself into a strange pretzel-shaped politician hated by absolutely everyone. For Democrats, his vote to acquit, shortly followed by a fiery speech denouncing Trump is more McConnellian hypocrisy, coming right after his next best in saying he couldn’t convict Trump after his presidency was over when he delayed the trial until his presidency was over. That’s a lot of contorting.

But he’s not fooling the Trumpists, who now call him a RINO. They see through his winks to Trump voters and his nods to corporate donors who now realize that Trump is bad for their brands. Votes that mean one thing and speeches that mean another don’t get you anywhere but stuck.

Everyone sees through him now. He may have helped create the modern Republican party, but when it most needed saving, he was nowhere to be found. He could have given political cover to his colleagues to stand up to Trump and the attack on Jan. 6, but as I wrote before, the monster he helped create was no longer in his control.

Read more: https://www.kentucky.com/opinion/linda-blackford/article249249260.html

And by the way, Kentucky even throws their own basketball team under the bus! Shit I’ve been to Rupp Arena, I have seen games there! You know what? Kentucky takes their basketball seriously. And this sheriff is the kind of asshole who is so glued into the Fox Ministry Of Propaganda that he would even throw the Wildcats under the bus. And you’d better not do that if you ever want to set foot in Lexington!

The sheriff and jailer in Laurel County fumed and held a “burning party” for University of Kentucky basketball apparel after the men’s team knelt during the national anthem Saturday to protest the treatment of Black citizens.

The Knox County Fiscal Court followed the sheriff Monday, demanding that the state reallocate tax dollars given to the university over the demonstration, according to the {Corbin} Times-Tribune.

At the state Capitol in Frankfort, Senate President Robert Stivers wept on the Senate floor Monday over how hurt he was to see the team use the national anthem to make a statement. For those with service members in their families, the players’ actions were hard to absorb even though they were protected by free speech, he said.

Meanwhile, university and athletic leadership expressed support for the players’ self-expression as they held firm Monday despite the criticism. One player said that the team wasn’t surprised by the opposition.

Read more: https://www.kentucky.com/sports/college/kentucky-sports/uk-basketball-men/article248416890.html

[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Oh this is a close one and it’s down to the wire. But Georgia has the ball, for 3… it’s good! 10 seconds left on the clock… and they’re gonna run this one out! That is the game! Final score – 89 – 83. Georgia wins by 6 and they will advance to play Michigan in the Batshit Conference Championships!

[font size="4"]Family Values Conference Round 1: Mississippi Vs Arkansas [/font]

[font size="4"]Mississippi [/font]

The Magnolia State is certainly no stranger to the big dance as they’ve represented the Family Values Conference 4 times out of 5. They are currently led by hardcore Jesus freak and die hard Trumpster Tate Reeves. But this is the Family Values conference where abortion laws trump common sense and the church is trying but failing to take over the local government. And here’s what happened when Tate Reeves attempted to enact one of the harshest abortion bans in the entire country. Really this is the stuff of pure fucking evil!

Mississippi’s Republican Gov. Tate Reeves has signed a new bill into law that would protect down syndrome babies from abortion.

According to Faithwire, the Down Syndrome Information Act, also known as Hudson’s Law, requires doctors to provide educational information to parents of preborn children who are newly diagnosed with Down Syndrome.

The bill passed with wide bipartisan support in both state legislative chambers.

The name behind Hudson’s law was taken from Hudson Hartman, a two-year-old Mississippian who has Down Syndrome. Last summer, Gov. Reeves signed another bill, the Life Equality Act, into law banning discrimination abortions based on race, sex, disability, or genetic makeup. At the time, Husdon and his mom both served as lobbyists for the legislation.

Yeah seriously! Boo this man! Although really… boo the people who elected him and put him into office because they’re accessories to this. Make no mistake that the Christian right is getting louder and crazier, and unlike Thanos, we don’t know what his Endgame is. And by the way if you want to know just how pro-life Mississippi is, let’s just say they pick and choose which parts of being pro-life they want to be. Yeah just like the Bible.

Four hunters accused of crossing state lines to cart back more than two dozen wild turkeys collectively owe $48,000 in fines after they pleaded guilty to violating wildlife laws.

A federal judge also banned them from hunting anywhere in the world.

Mississippi hunters Kenneth R. Britt Jr., 51, Tony Grant Smith, 26, Barney Leon Bairfield III, 28, and Dustin Corey Treadway, 28, were sentenced to several years of probation and fined thousands of dollars each on charges of conspiring to kill wild turkeys in excess of the legal limit and illegally transporting the birds across state lines, federal prosecutors said in a news release Wednesday.

“It is my hope that this prosecution sends a strong message that the wanton, indiscriminate killing of the American Wild Turkey, or any animal for that matter, will be met with debilitating and just consequences,” Acting U.S. Attorney Darren LaMarca said in the release.

Read more: https://www.sunherald.com/news/state/mississippi/article249512740.html

[font size="4"]Arkansas [/font]

No one really knows what to call Arkansas – the Natural State, the Land Of Opportunity or the Wonder State. But the Razorbacks are ready to do battle in the Holy War over the Family Values Conference and face Indiana for the championship. The team is led by batshit crazy family values governor Asa Hutchinson (R-Obviously) and their pro-life and pro-Christian credentials are very strong. So strong in fact that the state is one of the first in the country to enact some ultra-strict, shockingly evil laws affecting healthcare for transgender youth. I mean really this is pure fucking evil.

For years now, the Arkansas legislature has devoted inordinate time to discriminating against sexual minorities. Lately, the particular focus has been the few hundred transgender children in the state, a minority often in hiding from fear of family or societal disapproval.

A particularly mean new arrival prompts this (not comprehensive) roundup of the legislature’s not-so-magnificent obsession. Wait for the capper:

Law is still on the Arkansas statute books, though invalidated by the U.S. Supreme Court, to prohibit same-sex marriage. The same for the anti-sodomy law. As with the 1950s seg laws that hung around for decades, hope springs eternal for a reversion to the old ways. (The Arkansas Constitution still permits slavery as punishment for a crime and a proposal by a Black Democrat to remove this provision isn’t likely to make the ballot when amendments are decided. The business lobby must be served first.)

Existing law prohibits local civil rights ordinances. This was passed to prevent cities from protecting LGBT people from discrimination in employment, housing and public services.

Oh and if you think that’s evil you ain’t seen nothing yet. In fact the party of morals and values seems to look the other way on hate crimes. That’s right – hate crimes. And we assume that’s because they’re the people who are most likely to commit them. You know what one of my favorite bands, Rage Against The Machine always says – some of those who work forces are the same that burn crosses. And the same is true all over the state and probably… Amreica.. DUN DUN DUN!!!

Arkansas Republicans killed any hope for a meaningful hate crimes law getting passed this session, arguing that policing thoughts is beyond their purview. But preventing people from talking about racism and oppression is apparently fair game.

Acknowledging and discussing systemic racism and white privilege would be banned within Arkansas state government and for any contractors paid with state funds under a bill filed April 1.

Senate Bill 627 “TO PROHIBIT THE PROPAGATION OF DIVISIVE CONCEPTS” is sponsored by white male Republican senators Trent Garner (El Dorado), Bob Ballinger (Ozark) and Blake Johnson (Corning). SB 627 is a nearly exact replica of a measure that died in a New Hampshire statehouse committee room last month. The Arkansas bill is also comparable to former President Trump’s now-defunct “critical race theory” order that effectively banned diversity and inclusion training in the federal government.

The bill lists a dozen to-be-banned “divisive concepts,” including the notion that racism or sexism is a fundamental component of the nation’s or of Arkansas’s identity.

Read more: https://arktimes.com/arkansas-blog/2021/04/02/the-party-of-we-cant-police-peoples-thoughts-offers-ban-on-divisive-concepts

[font size="2"]And The Winner Is: [/font]

Oh this wasn’t even a contest! Arkansas routed Mississippi by a score of 27 to take control of the Family Values Conference! Final score: 104 – 77! Wow, what an ass kicking! The Elite 8 is set and it’s going to be hot!

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

The Elite 8 is set! When we come back on 4/22, we will have the start of the Elite 8 featuring the Gun Nut Conference Championships! Texas. Idaho. Who has the big guns to shoot their way out of this one and punch a ticket to the Final Four? Stay tuned!

We’re going to take a short break next week. You might have noticed that we played an April Fool’s joke last week by running the entirety of last week’s edition completely backwards. So on our week off next week we will post the forwards edition as it was originally intended to air. Enjoy! See you in two weeks!


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