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Tue Jan 12, 2021, 11:16 PM

Hundreds Of GOP Legislators Crowd Into Sitting Room For Reading Of Sheldon Adelson's Will



MALIBU, CA—Rushing to his home after hearing news of the conservative mega-donor’s passing, hundreds of GOP legislators reportedly crowded into a sitting room Tuesday for the reading of Sheldon Adelson’s will.

“I was really distraught to hear about Mr. Adelson’s passing, but I also wonder what he’ll have left to me—after so many years of working for him, I think it’s the least he could do,” said Senator John Cornyn (R-TX), jostling for space with fellow Republican senators Mitch McConnell, Ted Cruz, Susan Collins, Rick Scott, Thom Tillis, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, President Donald Trump, and dozens of GOP representatives who had worked for the deceased business magnate over the years.

“Of course, I’m hoping for one of Mr. Adelson’s Super PACs, but I’d settle for a few million dollars. I just hope he remembered all the good I’ve done for him and how faithfully I’ve executed his vision over the years, and doesn’t get swayed by some of these johnny-come-lately Republicans who only started working for him in his final years. I think there’s enough to go around, but I hope they read it quickly before more people get here and it starts getting contentious—oh, great, [Israeli prime minister Benjamin] Netanyahu just showed up.”

At press time, Cornyn was trying to hide his frustration after the executor announced Adelson had willed him Mitt Romney’s 2012 presidential campaign.

https://politics.theonion.com/hundreds-of-gop-legislators-crowd-into-sitting-room-for-1846043344

11 replies, 1962 views

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Always highlight: 10 newest replies | Replies posted after I mark a forum
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Reply Hundreds Of GOP Legislators Crowd Into Sitting Room For Reading Of Sheldon Adelson's Will (Original post)
Zorro Jan 12 OP
Wounded Bear Jan 12 #1
SergeStorms Jan 12 #2
NoMoreRepugs Jan 12 #3
chowder66 Jan 12 #4
benld74 Jan 12 #5
Wawannabe Jan 13 #6
A_Woman_from_MI Jan 13 #7
RANDYWILDMAN Jan 13 #8
Midnight Writer Jan 13 #9
Dem2theMax Jan 13 #10
Brother Mythos Jan 13 #11

Response to Zorro (Original post)

Tue Jan 12, 2021, 11:17 PM

1. OK, that got a chuckle...

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Tue Jan 12, 2021, 11:19 PM

2. OK.....

I didn't see Borowitz on the byline, but the link proved informative.
That said, it certainly wouldn't surprise me in the least if it was true.

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Tue Jan 12, 2021, 11:21 PM

3. Simply the best.

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Tue Jan 12, 2021, 11:34 PM

4. Best laugh I've had in a month! Too damn funny. nt

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Tue Jan 12, 2021, 11:46 PM

5. Knew it was Onion, since they all wore masks,,,

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Wed Jan 13, 2021, 12:18 AM

6. Seems very plausible

Just sayin.

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Wed Jan 13, 2021, 12:24 AM

7. I worry about The Onion

The day one had to fact check Onion headlines was a sad day for satire indeed.

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Wed Jan 13, 2021, 12:41 AM

8. The Onion, awesome but coulda been real

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Wed Jan 13, 2021, 01:35 AM

9. I hate to say the world is better off without someone, so I won't.

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Response to Midnight Writer (Reply #9)

Wed Jan 13, 2021, 01:44 AM

10. I just did this. Didn't have to say a word.

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Wed Jan 13, 2021, 02:10 AM

11. The ONION nailed it! Given who those people are, this scenario is almost believable!

I thought it was Borowitz at first, because the writing is that good!

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