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Wed Dec 2, 2020, 11:10 PM

White House Says Pardons Will Be Given First to Essential Frontline Criminals

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With fewer than fifty days until the Inauguration, the White House is facing the daunting task of distributing thousands of pardons to those who are desperately in need.

In an effort to insure an orderly rollout of pardons, the Trump Administration announced that the first recipients would be essential frontline criminals.

According to the announcement, essential frontline criminals include all White House staffers and Cabinet members who have spent the past four years receiving improper emoluments, destroying evidence, and subverting democracy.

“These essential criminals have risked imprisonment day in, day out, for the good of President Trump,” the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said. “They need to be immunized, so that they can continue their important work.”

The announcement immediately raised concerns among frontline criminals, who fear that their swelling numbers, believed to be in the tens of thousands, could mean that there would not be enough pardons to go around.

McEnany, however, sought to allay those fears. “President Trump has invoked the Defense Production Act to ramp up the manufacturing of Sharpies,” she said.


Short article, no more at link: https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/white-house-says-pardons-will-be-given-first-to-essential-frontline-criminals



Photograph by Pete Marovich / Pool / Getty

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Always highlight: 10 newest replies | Replies posted after I mark a forum
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Reply White House Says Pardons Will Be Given First to Essential Frontline Criminals (Original post)
Rhiannon12866 Dec 2 OP
Arne Dec 2 #1
OAITW r.2.0 Dec 2 #3
unblock Dec 2 #2
Brother Buzz Dec 3 #5
UTUSN Dec 3 #4
Rhiannon12866 Dec 3 #7
brer cat Dec 3 #6
Rhiannon12866 Dec 3 #8
malaise Dec 3 #9
Rhiannon12866 Dec 3 #10

Response to Rhiannon12866 (Original post)

Wed Dec 2, 2020, 11:17 PM

1. If only we could find a new prison some where.

Call it Pardon Penitentiary and all those Frontline prisoners could be transferred without passing GO.

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Response to Arne (Reply #1)

Wed Dec 2, 2020, 11:59 PM

3. Soon as we get the Senate Majority....

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Response to Rhiannon12866 (Original post)

Wed Dec 2, 2020, 11:43 PM

2. He is always so spot on

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Response to unblock (Reply #2)

Thu Dec 3, 2020, 12:06 AM

5. To be a fly on the wall during one of Andy's brainstorming sessions is on...

my bucket list.

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Response to Rhiannon12866 (Original post)

Thu Dec 3, 2020, 12:01 AM

4. Can't fool me!1

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Response to UTUSN (Reply #4)

Thu Dec 3, 2020, 02:10 AM

7. I figured you'd spot it!

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Response to Rhiannon12866 (Original post)

Thu Dec 3, 2020, 12:16 AM

6. Hahaha.

He is always spot on.

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Response to brer cat (Reply #6)

Thu Dec 3, 2020, 08:00 AM

8. The thing is, with Trump, it's just barely satire

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Response to Rhiannon12866 (Original post)

Thu Dec 3, 2020, 08:02 AM

9. Ha

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Response to malaise (Reply #9)

Thu Dec 3, 2020, 08:05 AM

10. With Trump, he never runs out of material

All he has to do is check the news!

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